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May 27, 2018 / Sunday

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly hope that to be the case. I know, at times, the fact that 5 years has passed (6 since he started some "flirting" with the OW), I get discouraged. I never thought it would take this long. But then, I try to focus on the blessings in my life - time with friends, new interests, etc and find the good in the current. I do believe one day he will make his way home.

Cricket: HopinginHim - Jim always warned us not to lock into the 5 yr period. I also feel that is true with personalities like your H and mine. They have to find their own way and their stubbornness adds to their journey. You are so right in focusing on the blessings. Also, it would probably be more difficult for you to have this time with your Mom if your H were home now and you were trying to work on restoration

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May 27, 2018 / Sunday

Swan: Hi Cricket

Cricket: Hi Swan, Remembering you and all our military this weekend

Swan: Cricket - Thanks, our military are so well respected in this area and when I lived in Branson, they honor the military year round. It always breaks my heart to see areas where they are protesting and dishonoring our military members. I may not always agree with the conflicts our leadership gets us into, but the military service member is simply doing their job and fighting for the rights of all citizens.

Cricket: Swan - My Community is very strong in respect for our military too, year round. The beach town near me is very liberal, particularly since the University opened but the majority still respects our military. Still, I appreciate my particular small community with the close-knit with strong values.

Cricket: Swan - FYI, I will be driving home next Sunday and do not believe I'll make it home by chat time. It's possible but I'll be driving from an area not far from Palm Springs and with weekend traffic, not sure how it will go.

Cricket: Good evening Bluesky - Happy Memorial Weekend.

Swan: Cricket - Ironically so much of our military experience midlife crisis and it is just a combination of misfortunate factors. Typically many of the people who join the military do so to escape troubled childhoods, then you add the stress of the military itself, plus the conflicts around the world they have to go into, and for those who make a career of it retirement comes at that midlife age. I see so many military that find themselves dealing with midlife crisis and most have no clue what it is they are experiencing, although I have noticed the military doctors are learned in crisis and acknowledge that midlife crisis is a real factor.

Swan: Hi Bluesky

Bluesky: Hi Ladies, nice to see you both.

Swan: Cricket - I will here, so please don't rush, better to be safe.

Bluesky: all, still status quo on our marriages? Yes, for me. You?

Bluesky: all. Time just marches on. And we aren't getting any younger. Well, I'm not.

Swan: Cricket - my son once his dad told him that a military doctor asked my husband if he had considered midlife crisis as a factor of some of what he is experiencing. My husband then told him that he told that doctor he wasn't going through midlife crisis because he didn't dump his family to chase a younger woman and then got angry calling the doctor a quake because apparently the doctor commented to him that it didn't have to be chasing a younger woman. My husband said he will never see that doctor again. It is so strange that he used that fact that the other woman is about a year older than him as a defense for not being in midlife crisis.

Cricket: Swan - Yes, true for both military and law enforcement, prone to MLC and enter the career due to troubled childhood. Recently law enforcement is working to address psychological issues but it's not easy to change a culture. A friend of mine (retired from his position working with a position supporting the Catholic Church) recently wrote a book entitled Cops, Cons and Grace. He wrote the book after his police son (a former co-worker of mine) took his own life due to the stress of his wife leaving him for an OM who had also been a friend/co-worker. The officer sunk into depression when the wife filed for divorce and it became drawn out and nasty. His father dealt with his own guilt and grief and began studying suicide and the mindset of first responders that makes them more vulnerable to suicide. He also began working in the prisons in a program associated with ministry & rehabilitation in prisons. This man has been doing a lot of work with San Francisco PD, San Jose PD and other agencies talking about his son's journey, his as a father and things he's learned. He's an incredible Godly man doing something similar to what Jim did with MLC.

Bluesky: after a while you just have to laugh at the excuses.

Swan: Bluesky - status quo for me as well, but I don't really expect anything more at this point. I believe that it is God's will for our marriage to be restored; however, I also know He gives us free will and my husband is a very stubborn man. Plus you add guilt and he would have to be able to forgive himself before will ever be able to accept that anyone else has forgiven him.

Cricket: Bluesky - status quo as far as my H is still with an OW (his 2nd marriage to an OW). I've heard from friends that my H realizes that the OW was looking for a man to provide for her & her 4 kids so she could stop working. He settled and although doesn't seem to be enjoying life and his retirement and is dealing with various health issues. Not much different from when we've chatted.

Swan: Cricket - The other day I was watching a segment on television about adult bullies and it made me think of midlife crisis as well, so often a bully is a bully because they have insecurities and they for some reason feel they have to build themselves up by tearing others down.

Bluesky: Cricket, amazing he knows that he is being used and stays.

Swan: Bluesky - You laugh so you don't cry!!

Cricket: Swan - As far as excuses, my H once responded in a similar way. We were in a meeting and he started teasing an officer who had married and divorced multiple times and wasn't faithful. I was in the meeting and commented that it was like the "Pot calling the Kettle black". My H pretty much exploded and said that no, he had done it right! A friend asked me what the heck my H meant and I told him that I believe he meant that he didn't have a physical affair with his OW until we separated. The friend looked at me incredulously and replied, how was that right. I said I know, but that's how my H looks at it.

Cricket: Swan - Yes, so true of bullies, most are dealing with their own issues and insecurities and overcompensating.

Bluesky: all, we know they will justify any way possible for themselves.

Cricket: Bluesky - But so true of so many. Swan's H has said that he is miserable every second of every day but he stays. So true of most mlc. As we know, many feel they dug themselves into this pit and they deserve what they got.

Swan: Cricket - Sadly my husband tells so many people that he is miserable every moment of every day, he has even told some that he hates his life and knows he has made some bad choices, but then will say he deserves what he is getting because of things he has done and people he has hurt. Even when he is told that if he is referring to me, I have forgiven him, he really should accept it. To which he typically comments that he has done too much to be forgiven.

Bluesky: Cricket, are you still major?

Bluesky: all, the problem is they can't get out of their own heads and think of anyone else but themselves.

Bluesky: it's not about those they hurt at all as you said.

HopinginHim1: Good Evening Ladies!

Cricket: Bluesky - Even Pelagius is dealing with this with her H. He left the OW recently, filed for divorce and moved out of State to be near his family and friends and to be away from the OW. He's been reconnecting with Pelagius, asking advice and gave her access to his attorney's files, etc. Still recently the OW has been able to contact him and he's texted with her and struggling. Friends are counseling him about all the terrible things his OW has done to him and as they've noted, it's like an addiction for many of them. Hopefully he'll work through this and continue working out of the pit he'd been in but it isn't easy even when it seems so clear.

Cricket: Hi HopinginHim - So good to see you. How are you?

Swan: Bluesky - sadly that is true, they become very self absorbed and think of themselves too much, it is all about them. Families get ripped apart, relationships with children and other family become nonexistent and they tend to focus on themselves, while hating themselves.

Swan: Hi HopinginHim

Bluesky: Cricket, well, that is news.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - It is so nice to see you too!! I am doing ok. It’s been a tough week (issues with my eldest son and also my daughter) but I feel like I am beginning to see some improvement. I have been praying to see more of God's glory and I finally feel like I am. How are you doing?

HopinginHim1: Swan - Hi! Nice to see you again! I apologize for being late but I only just got in. I had to pick up my daughter from church. How are you doing? How are things at work?

Bluesky: HopinginHim, hi, nice to see you.

HopinginHim1: Bluesky - So nice to see you too! How are things with you lately?

Cricket: HopinginHim - I'm doing well. I've had a lot of stress for several weeks and finally decided to take advantage of a special offer to stay in a resort in a villa outside of Palm Springs. I realized I needed some mental health time. I'm driving down and back, 7 hr drive depending on traffic and have some audio books. Sorry to hear about your son AND daughter. Sad that our H's issues take a toll on the kids too and of course these years aren't easy but glad you are seeing some encouragement.

Bluesky: HopinginHim, same ole, same ole. lol. Not much.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - Just read an update regarding Pelagius! That is certainly some progress with her H. It certainly does seem like a lot of these men are "addicted" in some ways to the OW. We can only pray that they have the strength and courage to take steps towards healing.

Swan: HopinginHim - I am doing good, work is fine, some days seem longer than others, but people are people and sometimes no matter how friendly and happy you try to be, they act like spoiled brats because what they want to do is in violation of the rules, rules we don't make, but have to abide by.

Bluesky: Cricket, sorry to hear. The rest will be awesome for you. I hope there is a pool there. Are you still mayor?

Cricket: Bluesky - Some very positive things have been happening with Pelagius although they are not out of the woods. Her situation is made more difficult as her H is bipolar and has other health issues that he needs to deal with but he's taken some major steps.

Bluesky: Cricket, interesting, is she only sharing with you?

Cricket: Bluesky - There is a pool and golf courses and the resort looks really nice. I am not currently mayor although the current mayor isn't handling things he should and too much has been dumped on me. I'm pushing back and working on setting boundaries.

Bluesky: Cricket, ahhh, I see, well good for you. Who knew boundaries would come up in other areas of our lives. lol

Swan: Cricket - I have been finding myself watching for signs with my children, they are both at crisis age and have strained relationships with their dad. My daughter seems to be more at risk, there have been a few times that I have talked with her about some of her behaviors towards my son in law and remind her that marriage is a team effort, not all about her.

Bluesky: tos, hi, and welcome in.

Swan: Hi tos

Cricket: Bluesky - She shares with a few of us and has for a few years.

tos: hi, all

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I am sorry that you have also been under quite a bit of stress lately! I am delighted that you can take the time to get away. I will be praying that you have safe travels and find the rest and time away a real blessing!! My eldest S is still struggling but making very good decisions. It's just not always without a slip here and there. So it’s just recognizing that the process for him will not be overnight. As for my daughter, she is just fine. It's been a stressful few weeks with her but an incident that happened shocked and hurt me but it has allowed us to talk quite a bit and resolve some issues so I am glad of that!

Bluesky: Cricket, that's a long drive, I wouldn't be able to do it, and I get so sleepy after 30 minutes. lol

HopinginHim1: Swan - Well I am glad you are well and that work (despite some frustrating individuals you have to deal with) is going well! It certainly seems that the younger generation isn't comfortable with strict boundaries anymore!!!

Cricket: Bluesky - Oh boundaries come up in so many areas. I've shared the book with friends who end up taking on too much in school fundraising, service clubs, etc. For many of us, it's our nature to get things done and there are always many who are quick to offer ideas/suggestions but not step up to do the work.

HopinginHim1: Tos - Hi! Nice to see you here! I have not been in chat for awhile. I believe this is my first time seeing you. How are you doing?

Cricket: Bluesky - The harder drive for me is when I go visit my sister that can be 10-12 hrs.

Cricket: Tos - Welcome

Swan: HopinginHim - one would think that dealing with a population that is all about rules and regulations, they would understand that other organizations also have those.

Bluesky: all got to go make some dinner. Bye.

tos: I'm doing well, overall. Still riding the storm of my W's MLC.

Swan: Bluesky - Night

HopinginHim1: Swan - You would certainly think that to be the case! But surprisingly it seems that many balk at any rule that disadvantages them despite the overall good!

HopinginHim1: Tos - I'm thrilled to hear that you are doing well overall. Is your W's MLC fairly recent? Are you fairly new here (or am I just really out of touch?). If so, I am terribly sorry.

tos: No, we've been dealing with it for about 5 years now. It goes up and down, but we're at a low point right now, still in the same house, but it's on the market. The hatefulness is difficult, but God is teaching me a lot in this process. Count it all joy.

Cricket: HopinginHim - That really is a praise that your eldest is making good decisions. Struggling is part of the process and slips along the way are part of growing but the fact that he's recognizing the slips and working on good decisions is a praise. I believe that the slips will be less and less and the good decisions will become even stronger. With your daughter, the good communication you have with her will be so important to help her negotiate the challenges that come with her age. The fact that she and you have talked quite a bit and resolved some of the issues is a big start to even more progress. I think we forget the things we went through growing up and we hope to spare our kids but they have to find their way too.

HopinginHim1: Tos - I am sorry that you are still dealing with this and with the roller coaster of emotions. But what a wonderful attitude you have to "count it all joy" and to realize that God is using this very painful time to teach you and refine you. My H has been gone for 5.5 years now. He is still very much a part of our lives but I too see a tremendous roller coaster of emotions. It seems that even after 5 years I am still learning how to "lovingly detach". :

Cricket: Swan - As far as your kids, the good thing is that you are able to talk with your d and share some insight. It's so wonderful that your grandson and you have such a good relationship and I keep praying that your grandson will one day help lead your son to salvation. I also think you being able to be a part of the family and help as you have also helps your son learn from you.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - Thank you. Yes. My eldest has made his own decision to enter a 20 day "residential" program to help him make his determinations "stick". He is doing well but he also has to deal with the negative self talk he has. Thankfully, he and H are working on their relationship as well. Just trying to keep my eyes on the long road. D is actually good. I am learning that she is a lot like my H. She has had a few at church who watch her behavior and felt she was making some poor choices. When she feels "judged" she will re-act. That has happened a bit and she did make a choice that was not right. However, things are improving and I am giving her some freedom but also talking about firm boundaries that need to be in place as well. We have a good relationship and she is also learning to "open up" and I am learning to prayerfully give her some "space" and she will be fine. She is actually thinking of taking a missions trip to South America next year for 8 months so we are praying about that as well. Lots going on!!

HopinginHim1: Swan - A huge "Amen" to Cricket's comments about the blessing you are to your D and your grandson and the rest of your family!!!

Cricket: All - The message at church today really spoke to me. The series the church has been doing has been about hope/faith. The pastor talked about having a good defense, when faced with pain, "Shake it Off and Step Up". He talked about the man who's donkey fell into a hole and the farmer deciding he couldn't get him out so would bury him. As the farmer threw each shovel of dirt on the donkey, he shook it off and stepped up...the donkey kept doing this until he stepped out of the hole. Pastor shared "Genesis 50:20" You intended to harm me, but God intended it for Good." He finished with Ephesians 6:14-17 ESV

HopinginHim1: Cricket - Love the story about the donkey. Sounds like a great sermon and some very good advice. It is a battle at times to not let the "storms of life" take us down but instead to continue to step back, look up and wait in hope on the promises of the Lord.

Cricket: Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Swan: Cricket - my grandson has heard things about his grandpa and I don't think anyone understood that he was listening when they talked. I have always been careful not to say anything disappointing about my husband around my grandson because I never wanted to influence him. A couple months back my daughter made a comment about her dad and a few days later my grandson asked me something about when his dad was younger, my answer include a positive comment about my husband, he looked at me confused and asked me how I could say such good things about grandpa considering what he had done to me. I simply told him that grandpa is who he is now, but wasn't always that person and I like to remember the good things about him while being aware of things he does now. I believe the person I knew once is still living inside grandpa and that is who he truly is. My grandson just smiled and said grandpa is lucky I don't hate him and he won't hate him for hurting me either.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - That is one of my favorite passages. I recently completed a study by Priscilla Shirer on the Armor of God. It was excellent! A real encouragement about the importance of taking up our armor and battling in the storms of life.

Cricket: Swan - It's good that your grandson sees your grace. It's another way that you are and have been ministering to your family that I also believe will help them avoid mlc.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Indeed what a blessing you are to your family. Your beautiful way of graciously speaking of your H will definitely have a huge impact on your children and their children as well. It takes a lot of faith and forgiveness to see beyond their "actions" and our "feelings" and to maturely look at the situation as you have. Your family is very very fortunate to have you.

Cricket: HopinginHim - Yes I also know it's one of Swan's favorites. This young pastor is doing such a wonderful job at our church. He talked about his dad's battle with cancer and how hard he prayed but the Lord didn't heal him. He said that when his Dad died, he could have gone a different direction, a bad direction but thankfully he didn't. He then said that his wife would have killed him if he had... and she shook her head yes. But he used the times of struggle and the importance of finding a way to respond positively.

Cricket: HopinginHim - How are things with your H?

Cricket: AMEN & AMEN to HopinginHim's comments about you being a blessing

Swan: Thank you ladies; I just want God to use me at this point to help others

HopinginHim1: Cricket - It is so true that the Lord can use those times of huge struggle in our life to refine us and make us better reflect Him. It's clear your pastor has chosen the difficult path but what a gift he now has to bless others! H is doing ok. He is around still quite a bit. I am certain he is still in contact with the OW but yet hopes to be home soon. In fact, he even told our eldest that he wants to come home and that is his plan. I felt that was a very positive step. I still see evidence of replay pop up now and then, so I know that he still has processing to do. He talked of being home for the summer, but I have heard those comments before and am learning to just smile when he says them and move on.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Clearly the Lord is using you in many ways. I am sure not just with your family but in other relationships as well. And definitely you are a blessing to us here too!

HopinginHim1: Cricket - One thing I find interesting. H quite regularly uses a driver to take him the long distance to the airport. Every time he uses his driver he will come here to park his car so the driver picks him up at our home and drops him off here. He clearly does not want the driver to know that we are separated. In fact, he even slept overnight here the other night as his departure was quite early. He is also spending time now staying and watching movies or such with me. That is also new. Nothing "major" but just little signs of steps forward (along with bits of replay...as I mentioned).

Cricket: HopinginHim - Good to hear about your H. It's not easy to smile and try not to focus too much on his actions but it's important to try to avoid the rollercoaster. I do know that several of those who are home and restored had some back and forth along the way before they were able to completely close the door. The fact that your H is telling your kids his plans is good as he wouldn't say this if that wasn't his intention. He, like mine, hates to be wrong. Not that they don't slip, but it's a good sign.

Swan: All - I need to head out. tos remember that Bill is in on Wednesday evenings most weeks for a guy’s point of view for you.

Cricket: HopinginHim - Yes, these are all very good signs.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I laughed at the "hates to be wrong" comment. Boy howdy is that truth!!! It's funny my D is an awful lot like my H. Defensiveness. Hates to be criticized but yet has a tender heart in some ways as well. Hates to talk about their feelings. When you did deep you realize there is a lot of emotion that they just don't know how to deal with.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I am so sorry I can't be in on Wednesdays as that is the afternoon and evening I always spend with my mother.

Cricket: HopinginHim -These are all signs that your H is working to get control of his life. I think they often try to set boundaries for themselves. By saying things out loud, they try to hold themselves accountable.

Cricket: HopinginHim - I can't usually make it Wednesday but we still have Sunday & Tuesday evening chats in addition. I can't usually make it Tuesdays either but nice to have options.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly hope that to be the case. I know, at times, the fact that 5 years has passed (6 since he started some "flirting" with the OW), I get discouraged. I never thought it would take this long. But then, I try to focus on the blessings in my life - time with friends, new interests, etc and find the good in the current. I do believe one day he will make his way home.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I totally agree. Tuesdays are often a challenge but Sundays can often work. So I will try more regularly to come in on Sunday if I can!! It's always such a blessing to see you all!!

HopinginHim1: All - I should likely sign out. I still have some office work to get done before my day starts tomorrow and it is already 10:20 pm where I am from! So, I should get going. So, so, very nice to see you. I will be praying for safety and blessing on your upcoming trip (and a few great games of golf!!). I have no doubt you could really use some rest and peace!!

Cricket: HopinginHim - Jim always warned us not to lock into the 5 yr period. I also feel that is true with personalities like your H and mine. They have to find their own way and their stubbornness adds to their journey. You are so right in focusing on the blessings. Also, it would probably be more difficult for you to have this time with your Mom if your H were home now and you were trying to work on restoration

HopinginHim1: Cricket - Absolutely! I love the freedom I have to spend with my mom. We giggle so much together. Just the other day I was lying with her on her bed just chatting and looking at pictures. Her memory is really failing. I was wearing big hoop earrings at the time. She looked at me and said "I am so glad you weren't wearing those when I have to give birth to you"! We both laughed for 10 minutes. I wouldn't trade our times together for anything.

Cricket: HopinginHim - Yes, I totally understand. I was able to have that time with my Mom when she was terminally ill. That time was priceless. The Lord has this...

HopinginHim1: Cricket - Amen. He most certainly does!! Night my friend! So nice to see you! Hope to connect again soon!

Cricket: I need to head out too. Have a good week Tos.

HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly hope that to be the case. I know, at times, the fact that 5 years has passed (6 since he started some "flirting" with the OW), I get discouraged. I never thought it would take this long. But then, I try to focus on the blessings in my life - time with friends, new interests, etc and find the good in the current. I do believe one day he will make his way home.

Cricket: HopinginHim - Jim always warned us not to lock into the 5 yr period. I also feel that is true with personalities like your H and mine. They have to find their own way and their stubbornness adds to their journey. You are so right in focusing on the blessings. Also, it would probably be more difficult for you to have this time with your Mom if your H were home now and you were trying to work on restoration

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