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May 22, 2018 / Tuesday

HopinginHim1: All - Can anyone speak to the incredible back and forth that goes on with our spouses? It has been 5 years since H left. He is making progress but at times I see bits of replay and other behavior that makes me want to scream. And yet, he is reaching out more to our children and also spending more time with me. We even took a family holiday all together for a week in Florida in February. It can be crazy making!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - The road home is loaded with detours and potholes. There is lots of backtracking and back and forth. Fasten your seat belt as Sally Conway would say--it's a heck of a ride!

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May 22, 2018 / Tuesday

Hannah: The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed Psalm 9:9 Welcome

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Tuesday evening chat

Kmkrn: Howdy! Welcome to chat!

Swan: Hi KmKrn

Kmkrn: Hi Swan & Hannah!

Hannah: Hi kmkrn and Swan. I was just checking Grace's Facebook page to see if there was an update but not from her. A message from one of her son's friends at an early age, so sad to read.

Kmkrn: Hannah - Yes, that was very sad.

Swan: Hannah - I cannot imagine how painful the loss of a child is, not anything I want to have to deal with either. It is so very sad.

Hannah: Swan I know, I can't even begin to imagine but I do have several friends who have lost children and have been through it with them, including my goddaughter, aged 19 years. That is why I got a group together to bring the Christmas Box Angel of Hope to my town so each 6 Dec we can join others around the country remembering all little angels who died too soon. Richard Paul Evans is the founder.

Kmkrn: Hannah - I do like his books.

Swan: Hannah - When I was a young my best friend's brother was hit by a car and killed, he was only 6 years old. I remember that hit his mother so hard that within a year they moved from the city to a small country town. She couldn't sleep, wouldn't let the other kids outside to play, walked all kids to school, etc. She was worrying herself to illness, just the sound of a car horn, brakes squealing, etc. would send her into a panic attack.

Hannah: Kmkrn so do I. He came out to dedicate our angel and I have been to a few other dedications including Newtown, after the school shooting they started to raise money for an angel and our little town had a vigil for them and donated to it so a friend, my daughter and I went down to the dedication in Newtown.

Hannah: Swan, a lot of families have moved out of Newtown since the shooting. My friend in Newtown said many have moved. My friend in North Dakota at the AFB lost her 13 year old daughter to an asthma attack and she was in the hospital at the time. The Air Force investigated and realized she should have been on steroids but the AF system didn't allow people to see the same doctor each time so there was a big change in the hospital system.

Swan: Ladies - the school shooting thing is getting so scary, just last week my grandson came home from school early, why? Because a student had a gun at school, another student saw the weapon and told a teacher, when they searched the boys backpack, yes he had a loaded hand gun.

Kmkrn: Swan - Oh good grief! And I thought the Santa Fe school was in Santa Fe--I found out it was Texas later that day!

Hannah: Swan yes it is scary. I personally think many things contribute to the problem not just guns but I do think automatics should be for military and professionals.

Swan: Hannah - I rarely see the same doctor, but not because I am not allowed, just because the doctor I saw last time may be off or got transferred. But I also typically go to general practice, some of the family departments have the option of having one doctor they are assigned to. Even if the doctor isn't the same shouldn't the medical condition have been noted in her record? Sounds like someone dropped the ball, how sad.

Hannah: Swan yes it was sad but it was back in 1989. Sometimes doctors do not have the time to read through all the records, sad.

Swan: Right now there is a huge battle going on here over the big gun show that happens every summer here, it is massive.

Kmkrn: ALL - I truly believe that these video games are horrible and kids think that shooting things is "normal." Just start the game over if you die. Life is just not valued, and today's family life doesn't help.

Hannah: Kmkrn yes video games, bullying, mental illness needs more coverage; parents need to be a parent and not a friend.

Kmkrn: ALL - Guns don't kill--people do! Cars don't kill--people do! Drugs don't kill--people do! All of these things can be good or bad.

Swan: KmKrn - I agree the violence in video games has gotten too real, except for as you say, when you die just start over, real life doesn't happen that way. No real guidance from parents, schools turning a blind eye to bullying, etc.

Kmkrn: ALL - And spoons definitely make people fat!

Kmkrn: ALL - I'm blaming MY spoon!

Swan: KmKrn - What I always found interesting is how many people will jump in front of a news camera and talk about how odd the shooter acted, yet no one was alarmed or concerned, they will mention definite warning signs then say something about "but I never thought they would..."

Swan: KmKrn - Me too, that spoon fills itself and then flies up and forces itself into my mouth, it even holds my mouth shut and forces me to chew and swallow!!

Kmkrn: Swan - You are right. More thought is that crazy people talk about what their intentions are, so pay attention!!!

Kmkrn: Swan - My spoon is a bully too!

Kmkrn: Swan - And so is my scale!

Hannah: All well the FBI surely messed up with the Florida shooting.

Swan: KmKrn - My husband once told a friend that he was overweight because of me. The entire time he was married to me, he maintained a Marine weight, worked out, looked trim and in shape. After he divorced me, the stopped working out (didn't have time anymore) and put on about 100 pounds, when anyone mentioned his weight to him (and fellow Marine's will call you out on that, even after you retire) he would say, "yeah that xxxxx I was married to messed me up so bad I gained all this weight". Really, he was the one who engaged in adultery, he filed for divorce (which I didn't fight on), he decided to take a job overseas and then stop paying spousal support (again, I didn't fight him on that), and oh yeah there is zero contact between us, yet he blames me, even to this day.

Hannah: Swan ours are lost in lala land as Alaneous would say.

Kmkrn: Swan - Yikes! You sure have some skills if you have that much control over a man you have no contact with!

Swan: Hannah - You can appreciate this, I had to get my military ID renewed yesterday. I have all the documentation that I need, yet the airhead receptionist wouldn't even look at it because she was too hung up on where my sponsor was. I had told her twice that I am considered my sponsor, I have a letter from the Commandant of the Marine Corps stating I qualify under the 20/20 rule because my husband divorced me. She actually told me that I couldn't get my ID renewed without my sponsor. I asked her to get a supervisor and she just looked at me like I was stupid. Thankfully there was a very nice Marine officer behind me in uniform, she stepped up and told her to go get her supervisor NOW! When the supervisor came over, I was apologized to and even put at the front of the line.

Swan: KmKrn - I never had that much control over him when we were married, so am amazed that I have so much control over him now, especially since I haven't seen him in almost 10 years and haven't spoken to him in almost 8 years.

Hannah: Swan that is awesome. I have to get my husband to fill out the form and return it to the office before I go to get my renewal

Kmkrn: Swan - Wow!

Kmkrn: Hannah - You are not divorced, right?

Hannah: Kmkrn right. At first he wanted a divorce so bad but in my state there wasn't the no fault d so as he had no grounds to d me he couldn't get one. A few years later when he was moving out of state my lawyer told me we needed to get a financial agreement which meant we had to get a legal separation which we did and after one year he could file for d. He never did and so we are still legally married.

Swan: Hannah - If I had to do that I would never get a new ID, contact has been forbidden between us. I contacted Headquarters Marine Corps years back when I was still in Missouri, the Captain assigned to my issue told me that he was getting everything I would need and was requesting that it be signed by the Commandant so there should never be an issue of me using the same package regardless of how many years. The only thing that would change my qualification is if I remarry, then I am required to notify the Marine Corps and turn in my ID within 30 days.

Kmkrn: ALL - What a mess to keep up with! MLC sure can be complicated on many levels!

Swan: Hannah - to be honest the value of using the exchange and commissary really isn't that great anymore, but the medical benefit is worth it.

Hannah: Swan the first time I did it I didn't contact him. The office at the Reserves contacted him and sent him the paper and he returned it to them. Then the second and third time I contacted him. Now since last fall he isn't speaking to me when I see him at grandchildren's birthdays not sure what I will do next time, but it was just renewed last year.

Hannah: Kmkrn yes MLC complicates many lives

Kmkrn: Hannah - It's the domino effect for sure!

Hannah: Swan I don't use the exchange or commissary as they are 3 hours away, where I get my id is a reserve base with no exchange or commissary

Hannah: Swan and that is only an hour away

Swan: KmKrn - Well, the other woman is the one who has the issue with me having the military benefits, she has them too, but she doesn't like that I still do. This woman actually attempted to force me to change my name back to my maiden name in the divorce papers. That was the only thing I refused to accept and when my husband saw what was in the divorce papers he seemed shocked (I suspected she did all the leg work and that confirmed it) and told the lawyer that wasn't required. When the lawyer said, well it was insisted in the documentation, my husband said he didn't fill the papers out and I could keep his last name, after all I have been that for more than three fourths of my life and our children have that last name as well. I am told that the other woman had a fit, but I guess that was one thing my husband grew a spine about because I do not use my maiden name.

Kmkrn: ALL - I was born in Quantico while my dad was in the Marines and I loved to shop at the PX when he did his reserve training every summer (that was our vacation)!

Swan: Hannah - In Missouri I had to drive a few hours to the Army base, I just planned my shopping trips for once a month and would stock up, usually I would also go visit my family in St. Louis, so it was a combo trip.

Hannah: All I sometimes do go on line and look at the AFFES catalogue. Have ordered from them a few years ago.

Kmkrn: ALL - My sister was born in Camp Lejune, NC.

Swan: KmKrn - There was a time when savings on the base were awesome and a real value, not so much anymore. It still is if you are looking at big items or high cost designer stuff, but a lot of stuff you can get at Wal-Mart for equal or less. This year the commissary started a new product line which is similar to value store brands and gives you a choice from only paying name brand prices.

Swan: KmKrn - My daughter was born at Scott Air Force Base and my son at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Kmkrn: Swan - Yes, it's hard to compete with Wal-Mart or Costco.

Swan: Hi HopinginHim - How have you been

HopinginHim1: Good Evening ladies! I just arrived home and thought I would stop in to say Hi!

Hannah: Hi HopinginHim1, good to see your name

Kmkrn: Swan - Having babies born in the military is a bargain!

Kmkrn: Hi HopinginHim!

HopinginHim1: Swan - I am doing well for the most part. Wishing H would finally make his way home...but trying to just wait things out! How are you doing?

HopinginHim1: Hannah - Nice to see you too! How are you doing?

Swan: KmKrn - Yes it was, with my daughter I paid nothing because I was active duty, my son cost us $21.00 and that was just for meals.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Hi!! It's great to be able to stop in and see everyone! I apologize for the length of time I have been away!

Swan: HopinginHim - We just love your visits, it is nice to have you stop in and catch up with us.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - No problem! We are all busy going in a lot of different directions. This is a place of sanctuary and peace I hope for everyone.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Thank you! I do apologize for my infrequency. I can never make Wednesday chat as I visit my mom every Wednesday and stay until I can tuck her in bed. Then I have a 1.5 hour drive home! So I miss us. Sunday evenings are often spent with my kids but I will keep trying!

Swan: HopinginHim - I am good. Sadly waiting things out is about all we can do, that and pray. Is he staying stagnant or is he at least facing home, just not making and steps forward?

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Absolutely a place of peace and sanctuary. I like how you put that!!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Well, Jesus said, "Peace be with you."

HopinginHim1: All - Can anyone speak to the incredible back and forth that goes on with our spouses? It has been 5 years since H left. He is making progress but at times I see bits of replay and other behavior that makes me want to scream. And yet, he is reaching out more to our children and also spending more time with me. We even took a family holiday all together for a week in Florida in February. It can be crazy making!!

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Amen to that!!

Hannah: HopinginHim, Jim use to tell us they may make 3 steps forward then 2 steps back. Patience

HopinginHim1: All - H even told our eldest son (who knows about the affair) that he is determined to come home. That was two weeks ago. I think the path home is a lot more difficult than he expected!

Swan: HopinginHim - spending time with mom is far more important. When my mother was at the end, I was fortunate that it was during the off season and my job hotel I worked at was closed for the winter. I was able to go up and stay with her, in fact I didn't leave the hospital other than to go to my sister's to shower and do laundry (my sister was there all the time as well). One night my sister needed to attend an event for her daughter and that left my mother and I alone, she told me that night how important it was to her that I was there with her.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - The road home is loaded with detours and potholes. There is lots of backtracking and back and forth. Fasten your seat belt as Sally Conway would say--it's a heck of a ride!

Swan: HopinginHim - You are in luck tonight, KmKrn has a restored marriage and can speak better to the back and forth of MLC

Hannah: HopinginHim Jim would say he is testing the waters and wondering if the changes in you are for real.

HopinginHim1: Hannah - That's a great reminder! I feel at times that I can't do it any longer. H is so involved in our lives and yet not. It’s hard to lovingly "detach". And then the Lord reminds me that I am to wait on Him! So, I am trying to be patient, enjoy the good in what is and continue to wait.

Hannah: Good to see you HopinginHim. I will say goodnight to you all. East coast time catching up to me. Need to get ready for bed for work tomorrow. Goodnight all.

HopinginHim1: Hannah - Goodnight!!

Swan: Ladies - I need to head out, please stay and chat for as long as you want or need

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - And you must be the "consistent, positive contact" now, (no negatives). I used to have LOTS of negative conversations in my head, just didn't say them out loud!

HopinginHim1: Swan - So nice to see you! I will try to get in earlier and catch up on what has been happening in your life!

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Yes. That is such a good reminder. H is in constant contact with me, so when I have periods of discouragement (because I can see his behavior up close) then I find it hard to paste on the "happy" smile and pretend everything is hunky dory. I used to ask him about things, but I am learning to just not mention anything. I can't really trust his answers anyway!! So, better not to ask and just keep trusting the Lord. Boy I wish that was easier to do than it is to say!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - That all sounds positive to me actually. Even after my H was home, it got harder before it got better (does that make sense)?

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Yes, "zip the lips" is good advice too! I still don't have all the answers and my H has been home for 12 years!

HopinginHim1: KmKrn - Oh I can absolutely see how that could happen. My H asked me the other day, “so is it a condition that I return to my faith before I come home, because that is important for me to know". Of course I would wish that for me, but I answered "Of course I pray for that because I want you to share the joy that I have in the Lord, but no that is not a condition. But I won't promise that I won't pray for that".

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn- Really? There is so much my inquisitive mind wants to know, but then there were questions that I asked early on, before he left that I now wish I didn't know. So sometimes it is good to have things we just give over to the Lord.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Good answer! My H is strong in his faith now. It's a process.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Exactly! God knows and will let me know if I need to know...

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - You have no idea how much that blesses me. My H was the one who led me to the Lord before we started dating. But I think as his work life took over and success caught him and his time was spent with lots of successful travelling people, little things became big things and then the guilt took over. I do have hope that one day he will turn back to the Lord, but it may be after he comes home. God knows.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Yes, hang in there! You are doing great!

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Ultimately with many things my husband, my son who struggles with depression and is working through addiction, etc. I am realizing that ultimately I need to trust the Lord with my heart.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Thank you. Some days it’s hard, but always the Lord blesses me when I seek Him in prayer and seek out the truth of His character and His promises by reading scripture. He is so faithful.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Yes, lots of addictions need Jesus more than anything to get through it. I used to "leave my H at the foot of the cross" and say, "Lord, you deal with him, I can't."

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - That lifts the weight off of your shoulders, then sit back and watch what a mighty God can do! It's impressive!

HopinginHim1: KmKrn - Amen. I am learning that many things in our lives are gifts that we are not to hold on to too tightly. Thanks for your encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me. I sometimes get discouraged that this has been 5 years and from the beginning H has promised he was coming home. But then I step back, realize I can't control this, and the Lord in His perfect timing will bring me through this.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Yes, he is still baking in the oven and isn't quite "done" yet.

HopinginHim1: KmKrn - and whatever is His plan is good! He is much better at managing things than I am. I have seen that many times in my life.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Love that. Well my dear I should let you go. I don't mean to hold you up. Honestly, you have no idea how much just chatting with you tonight has blessed me. Thank you so much.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Amen! You're welcome! Have a good evening...

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Thank you! You too! And a very blessed week! Hope to see you again soon!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - I'm here May and June every Tuesday.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Wonderful to know that! Then I will definitely look forward to seeing you again soon!! Tuesdays often do work for me! Goodnight! Many blessings to you and your family!

HopinginHim1: All - Can anyone speak to the incredible back and forth that goes on with our spouses? It has been 5 years since H left. He is making progress but at times I see bits of replay and other behavior that makes me want to scream. And yet, he is reaching out more to our children and also spending more time with me. We even took a family holiday all together for a week in Florida in February. It can be crazy making!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - The road home is loaded with detours and potholes. There is lots of backtracking and back and forth. Fasten your seat belt as Sally Conway would say--it's a heck of a ride!

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