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March 25, 2018 / Sunday

Bluebird: Swan, I guess what parts of relationship things are 'safe' to talk about. Or what emotions such as how we feel? We mostly have just been sharing things going on in our lives and a little of our old 'us' feelings. I let him lead with what he wants to talk about.

Swan: Bluebird - men speak in very few words, women on the other hand can actually use three times as many words to say the same thing, and it is just part of the differences between men and women. Listen more than speak, look for those signals of what he might be comfortable talking about. If he brings up relationship, keep you words less and try to not use emotional or guilt motive comments. He might be able to deal with the deeper topics and issues at some point, but go slow at first. It is kind of like finding feral cat in your yard, at first even though they are starving, they will not eat food you put out until they are very sure you are not too close to them. After several slow actions, they might allow you to be in the area, but still not too close, it will take a long time of you being slow and they can begin to trust you and one, they might even allow you to pet them. They are mostly motivated by fear in the beginning, but once they start to trust you they open more to contact with you.

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March 25, 2018 / Sunday

Bluebird: Good Evening

Beth: Good evening Bluebird. Sorry I am late.

Bluebird: Hi! I was wondering if I had the wrong day or time LOL

Beth: Bluebird I was watching a nice movie on Daystar and while trying to get here there was a pop up saying I won something. I do not open such things so I went out and got back in again. How is everything?

Beth: Bluebird no right time and right day. Just sometimes it seems to be harder to get in then others.

Dani: Hi Beth and Bluebird, how are things going this week?

Bluebird: Everything is as fine as it can be I suppose. I am glad you decided not to open the pop up!

Beth: Bluebird where you talking to your husband after?

Swan: Hello all

Bluebird: Hello Swan

Bluebird: Beth, Yes, I have been talking to my husband.

Beth: Bluebird the part about it pops up and then you press ok and if you don’t press ok there is no x to close it. So to get rid of it I have to get out and come back in again.

Swan: Hi Bluebird, glad you were able to get in, I saw you were here last Sunday as well. Just a reminder Wednesday is the chat with Bill night; he might be able to offer you some guidance as well.

Beth: Swan hello. How are you? Nice to have you here tonight.

Beth: Bluebird how did it go with your husband?

Dani: Bluebird, how are things going?

Bluebird: Thanks Swan. I did want to ask Bill some things but this week has been sooo busy! On Wednesday by the time I got home and took care of my fur babies, I was ready for bed!

Swan: Hi Beth, just got home from work so I am a little late tonight.

Beth: swan that is ok. Although time I got in I was late and Bluebird was already here.

Swan: Bluebird - just remember that Wednesday evening chat is an hour earlier, come in when you can, we just want to be here for you and assist in any way we can.

Bluebird: Beth, well at first when we talked it seemed hopeful that he wanted to reconnect. But after the first couple times of talking it doesn’t seem that way.

Beth: Dani how are you? Glad to have you here.

Swan: Hi Dani

Bluebird: Hi Dani,

Bluebird: Swan, I have already marked the date and time when Bill is here on my calendar so I don't forget!

Beth: Bluebird they do seem to go back and forth. They can be like a yo yo. They also can feel guilty and afraid we have not changed enough. Or the changes are not permanent. They can feel maybe we will not forgive them. It is like a rollercoaster.

Beth: Bluebird have you heard of a website Rejoice Marriage Ministries or devotion Charlene Cares?

Bluebird: I guess there is only one way to put it. He seems he just wants sex. And to reconnect with kids, and our friends. But from me he almost seems true to his MLC self and says ' You're a good person'. I t leaves me wondering what does that mean exactly??!!

Bluebird: Beth I haven't heard of that website or that devotion.

Beth: Bluebird do say we are not good wives. At least he did not say that. There has to be some changes in our part and they have to see it and believe we really have changed.

Dani: Bluebird, oddly, I can understand why it would seem like that. I remember Jim Conway, the founder of site saying "a man gives love to get sex, a woman gives sex to get love". What is "most" important to each of us is different.

Beth: Bluebird you can Google it. They were divorced back in the 80s and reconciled. You can sign up for the devotion. They have good reading material. The husband has written books on the prodigal. It helped me keep going all those years.

Dani: Bluebird, also, he used to say that the children are often the connecting force that brings them back into the relationship. It took a long time for me to feel like I was actually "loved" again.

Bluebird: Dani, Hmmmm, I can definitely understand why one would take awhile to feel loved again. I guess it just so confusing! He has even said his emotions are up and down, but still seems like he doesn’t actually want Me.

Bluebird: Beth that sounds like an amazing testimony!

Swan: Bluebird - the website for Rejoice Marriage Ministries is www.rejoiceministries.com. There is a lot of good information and support on the site, Charlene and Bob were married, divorced and remarried. The ministry isn't related to Midlife Crisis, but they went through many issues and Charlene is an awesome lady.

Beth: Bluebird they sometimes make false starts toward time. It can become a long journey. We have to stay in God’s Word and move on. At same time keep our home open for the day they want to come back.

Dani: Bluebird, I think the "feeling loved again" was because I felt like I was only there for him. He was not really invested in the emotional part of the relationship. I think, like you mentioned, he was still in MLC and focused so much on figuring himself out, he didn't have much to give. But, like you say, was definitely wanting to get.

Bluebird: Swan, I will check out the website.

Beth: Dani a question for you. Is it possible that our spouses can live ow and their wife at the same time? Did your H ever indicate that?

Beth: Bluebird yes check it out. It is really a good website.

Beth: buttons2 how are you? Glad you could be here tonight.

Dani: Beth, I definitely think it is possible. We don't talk about that period of our life and I never asked many questions so I can't say what he would have said. I do know that people who were around him, (mainly when he had a couple drinks and he was baring his soul) said he would speak of me, not sure if it was regret or love. I think love gets to be a tricky word when they are in MLC and who is to say what they have with the ow feels like love to them? My h said it felt like a drug he could not break away from.

Bluebird: Beth, it seems to take forever! I guess I was a little excited since the last few weeks has been the first contact ever, but he must still have a long way to go.

Bluebird: Hello Buttons

Beth: Bluebird it can take a long time sometimes. Some take longer than others.

Dani: H Buttons!

buttons: Hi Beth I'm good thanks and you?

buttons: Hi bluebird nice to see you gain

Bluebird: To anyone with an answer! When they are finally talking and seemingly wanting to listen, how much should we 'talk' about?

Beth: Dani my H confused me in last year’s. As you already know he Face Timed, when he was so sick in the hospital he told ow to make sure I knew he was in the hospital. I used to text to see how he was and he responded. Then while talking to ow before his funeral she told me he loved me too. Is she crazy or what?

buttons: hi dani, just reading some of what you've shared and I'm glad it is not just me not feeling loved quite yet (as my H moves out of MLC?)

Bluebird: Thanks, Buttons, good to see you as well

Swan: Bluebird - I suspect he didn't just wake up one day after so long of zero contact and think that he just wanted sex with you, there is some heart attachment going on in my opinion. Men tend to "play it cool" whenever it comes to the heart, they don't commit right away, they test the waters and sadly for a long time. You are doing something right that has gotten his attention and stirred a desire in him for you.

Beth: Buttons2 I am doing good. Thanks.

buttons: dani I know for you it's been a while but during that time in things for you

Swan: Bluebird - when you say "talk" about what topics are you thinking about? When men start talking and appear to be listening, it is often wise to not get into too deep of topics, especially relationship things right away.

Bluebird: Swan, He did tell me he was still attached. He thought of me every day (and felt bad every day). He has given me some compliments on things as well, he liked a top I was wearing and liked my hair. These came at different times.

Dani: Beth, no, I don't think she was crazy. I think she knew there was part of him she would never have.

buttons: bluebird I have not really talked about things to do with the relationship rather just things that kind of move forward

Beth: Bluebird sounds good he is noticing these things.

Beth: Dani he said he would never marry her

Dani: Swan - well said! about men playing it cool when it comes to matters of the heart. I believe, with my husband, it is because they have so little self-confidence. I thought all those years it was arrogance, but I realize that it is lack of confidence. You figure he has messed this up once; it is pretty risky to try again!

Beth: Dani he even told our D that. And he never did marry her. But way down deep I felt as if he still cared a lot about me. I was not sure if he still loved me or what. Sometimes I felt like I was silly fir caring for him so much.

Bluebird: Swan, I guess what parts of relationship things are 'safe' to talk about. Or what emotions such as how we feel? We mostly have just been sharing things going on in our lives and a little of our old 'us' feelings. I let him lead with what he wants to talk about.

Dani: buttons, it is hard to keep being the "flirty one" the "fun one" and I also ended up supporting him when he lost his job. There was a lot of feeling used and wondering if I would ever get past that.

buttons: dani with H in the house nearly the whole time the "fun", "flirty" one was only able to hang on for a while every so often it comes out but.

Bluebird: Beth, is your H still gone?

Dani: Beth, don't ever feel silly. You cared because you are a strong woman who knew where her commitment was.

buttons: Beth exactly we do what is right for us, it is never silly

Dani: buttons. it can feel like a lot of work!

Beth: Bluebird no he passed away last June while still with ow. But he took sick about 7 1/2 months before that and hospitalized. He wanted me to know he was so sick and in the hospital he left his work insurance for me.

buttons: dani yes, it is

buttons: dani it's heading well into 7 years maybe even 8

Bluebird: Beth, I am so sorry to hear that. And I agree with the others that you were not silly for feeling like you did. You just lived him unconditionally.

Beth: Dani nevertheless I felt silly sometimes. I felt like he was using me to a point. I felt he was confused sometimes too. I grieve almost as much as if he lived here.

Dani: Bluebird, whatever you can do to help him feel comfortable talking. It may not always be deep, but if he can talk to you it helps to little by little work some things out in his head. You are right in letting him take the lead. You can be encouraging and appreciative and affirming and this is all helpful.

Dani: buttons, do you feel like things have gotten better?

Swan: Bluebird - men speak in very few words, women on the other hand can actually use three times as many words to say the same thing, and it is just part of the differences between men and women. Listen more than speak, look for those signals of what he might be comfortable talking about. If he brings up relationship, keep you words less and try to not use emotional or guilt motive comments. He might be able to deal with the deeper topics and issues at some point, but go slow at first. It is kind of like finding feral cat in your yard, at first even though they are starving, they will not eat food you put out until they are very sure you are not too close to them. After several slow actions, they might allow you to be in the area, but still not too close, it will take a long time of you being slow and they can begin to trust you and one, they might even allow you to pet them. They are mostly motivated by fear in the beginning, but once they start to trust you they open more to contact with you.

Bluebird: Dani, I was thinking of asking him over for Easter dinner (which will be the day before Easter) All the kids should be there. Would this be a good or bad idea?

Beth: Ladies I have to tell you this. My son text Saturday saying he woke up at 5:13 dreaming of his father. He said dad Face Timed him and it was his father’s Voice in the dream. His dad said “Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. It is bit late but better than never. How are the boys?” I asked if it upset him and he said no. He feels a closure now. He said dad was smiling and happy. Thank God he has a closure now and feels at peace.

buttons: dani yes, things have come a ways however I still feel like it's convenience or comfort rather then he loves me and wants to be here he does things to show me he cares at least a very little bit of things he seems more connected. I just feel unsure and still not trusting things as each time I have he's blown up and said he's leaving, selling house, etc... I still feel like I walk on shells more than I need to. I do let out the odd mention of how I'm feeling and why (like when he left for overseas this last time as I was grumpy and "bit his head off" a few times)

Swan: Beth - That is wonderful, I am glad he has closure now.

buttons: bluebird with the kids being there you could invite him by saying something like the children would love to see you, we're all having dinner on _____ at ___ if you'd like to join us and then it at that

Dani: Bluebird, I think this is something you should pray and pray about. I always asked. Lots of times he came, sometimes he did not. Sometimes he said he would come and he wouldn't show up. If you decide to ask, make sure you do so realizing you may need a lot of strength to deal with the disappointment. But this is not bad; it is just hard, but in my opinion, a path worth trying

Beth: Bluebird yes you can ask him over for Easter. But do not get too discouraged if he does not accept. I asked my H over for Christmas and he never came.

buttons: swan Well said!!!! For many people not just H's returning to relationship

Dani: Beth that is a precious experience your son had.

Beth: Swan to be truthful it feels like a relief to me too. He was hurting so much. He told me once he did not think he would ever get a closure to his dad’s death.

buttons: Beth that is wonderful

Bluebird: Dani and Buttons, He has been to gatherings at our kid's homes, Christmas before last he came. Last Christmas my DIL said they always invite him and sometimes he shows sometimes he doesn't. I know the kids would be surprised since I haven't let on that DH and I have been talking.

Beth: Dani I have dreamed about my H since he passed away. I have dreamed about my parents but never have I heard their voice. I feel it was a reason behind it. I am sure God send him a message or something.

Bluebird: Beth, It's wonderful that your son got some closure.

buttons: Beth I'm glad he got it

Dani: buttons, have YOU been able to get any counseling? You have been through something so painful and I think it is hard to get past that without help. I saw a Christian counselor for a year and I found it very helpful.

Bluebird: Buttons, I agree with Dani a couple years ago I went to counseling, probably close to a year. It helped so much.

buttons: dani as I carry most of the expenses still and my plan only covers THEIR choice for like 10 sessions I just haven't. I did go to someone for a little when things first happened.

Dani: Bluebird - that is awesome that your kids have reached out to their dad. It seems to me like God has opened a window, and presented an opportunity for you. He has planted an idea in your mind, and that in itself says a lot to me.

Swan: buttons - God speaks to us through dreams and since nothing is impossible with God, who is to say He does not allow others to speak to us as well, especially when it allows closure and healing of the heart.

Beth: Bluebird my son went through a really rough time. His father passed away suddenly in one province. Both my children live on east coast of Canada and I live in west coast. So they never got to see him alive or after his passing. Ow had him cremated.

buttons: bluebird yes, it is wonderful to see your kids are connecting with their dad still. I think it would not be unreasonable to ask him to dinner. Recognizing though that he may not come.... if you set the table ahead of time ensure there's a spot for him and if the kids ask just say you invited someone but aren't sure if they are coming or not

Bluebird: Dani, I guess I can do is ask but not expect! I think the kids will be surprised LOL.

buttons: swan you are right

Bluebird: Beth, How old are your children?

buttons: well ladies it's been nice chatting. Have a wonderful evening. H is chilling on couch and our fur baby will want another walk in a bit so I should get a bit done. Hugs and prayers for each of you. Thank you for the chat?

Swan: Bluebird - Ask, but be prepared for anything happening, the only 100% NO you will get is when you don't at least ask.

Swan: Night buttons

Beth: Bluebird one just turned 41 and the other almost 31. When I called my D she was so shocked she hung the phone up on me. She became withdrawn and very depressed.

buttons: Night swan

Bluebird: Good night Buttons

buttons: Night ladies

buttons: night bluebird

Dani: Buttons - good night and God bless. Praying you feel a special appreciation and love this week

Bluebird: Swan, you are right!

buttons: dani thank you

Beth: good night ladies, it is late here. God bless you all.

Swan: Night all

Bluebird: Good night all

Dani: Praying for you all! Good night Swan, good night Bluebird!

Bluebird: Thank you

Bluebird: Swan, I guess what parts of relationship things are 'safe' to talk about. Or what emotions such as how we feel? We mostly have just been sharing things going on in our lives and a little of our old 'us' feelings. I let him lead with what he wants to talk about.

Swan: Bluebird - men speak in very few words, women on the other hand can actually use three times as many words to say the same thing, and it is just part of the differences between men and women. Listen more than speak, look for those signals of what he might be comfortable talking about. If he brings up relationship, keep you words less and try to not use emotional or guilt motive comments. He might be able to deal with the deeper topics and issues at some point, but go slow at first. It is kind of like finding feral cat in your yard, at first even though they are starving, they will not eat food you put out until they are very sure you are not too close to them. After several slow actions, they might allow you to be in the area, but still not too close, it will take a long time of you being slow and they can begin to trust you and one, they might even allow you to pet them. They are mostly motivated by fear in the beginning, but once they start to trust you they open more to contact with you.

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