Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

March 18, 2018 / Sunday

Cricket: Bluebird - It may be that they never argue because there is no real connection, no emotions involved. Five years is a common timeline for mlc men to work through the tunnel. There are many here who restored at about 5-6 years so this time frame is very natural. I know it's frightening, but I'd take it one day at a time, begin on rebuilding your friendship first.

Bluebird: It seems like he has been 'watching' social media. My daughter posts our activities. He says he is bored and OW doesn't like to do anything. I have changed a lot, and I know it. I think he sees it as well. Yes, I will try complimenting, etc. I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation! It seems so odd after so long a time.

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

March 18, 2018 / Sunday

Beth: Good evening

Bluebird: Good evening!

Bluebird: How are you doing?

Beth: How are you doing? Are you new to this website?

Bluebird: I am doing well, but having confusion lately

Beth: Bluebird I am on my iPad and if you leave it for few seconds it goes off or asleep whatever you call it. When I came back I had to get in again.

Bluebird: I used to chat on this site when my husband went to live with OW and wanted a divorce after almost 29 years of marriage.

Beth: Bluebird how or why are you confused?

Beth: Bluebird is there anything I can help you with?

Bluebird: Well, I always knew he is in MLC. He has had no social contact in 6 years.

Beth: Bluebird so is your husband still gone?

Bluebird: Yes, he is still with OW.

Beth: Bluebird I am sorry he has no contact with you. They sometimes withdraw for periods of times. Is he living near you?

Bluebird: It's taken me a long time, but I am finally fine! Only in the past year I have detached totally.

Bluebird: It didn't matter to me if he came back. He lives an hour away , still with OW.

Beth: Bluebird no doubt it is a long hard journey. Were you hoping to find some way to contact him?

Beth: Bluebird I assume if you have children they are adults by now.

Bluebird: No, I thought after all this time he simply wasn't interested, since at the beginning I heard the typical MLC responses.

Beth: Bluebird how long has he been gone?

Bluebird: Yes, they are adults and he has been gone for 6 years.

Beth: Bluebird it probably depends on how deep in MLC they are in. Also the ow sometimes is very controlling and they are not allowed to contact us.

Bluebird: I finally decided I need to get on with my life and called him since we still have some legal problems that were never worked out.

Beth: Bluebird you are saying he has had no contact with you at all?

Bluebird: Well all of a sudden he wants to see me.

Beth: Bluebird regardless if we hope to reconcile or not we do have to move on.

Bluebird: For the last 6 years it has been very little contact. I have actually seen him about 4 times in 6 years and talked to him only a couple times a year about legal stuff.

Beth: Bluebird he may be thinking he has made a mistake. It may be too painful to contact you before.

Beth: Bluebird are you interested in reconciling or not?

Beth: buttons welcome . How are you?

buttons: hey Beth doing pretty good

buttons: Hi bluebird welcome

Beth: buttons that is good.

Bluebird: I have finally seen him. He has finally told me that he messed up, he thinks about me every day and feels bad, and he was sorry. He never stopped loving me and if anything happens with OW and him would I take him back. WOW! after 6 years!

Beth: Bluebird do you want a divorce or willing to try to work on your marriage if that is what H wants? That could be way of the wall what he wants.

Bluebird: Beth, but by this time I am not sure if I want to reconcile.

Bluebird: He seems to be on the fence too, even if he leaves OW. He says they don't argue and she gives him his freedom and privacy.

Beth: Bluebird only you can make that decision. There are people here who would do anything to take their H back.

Bluebird: So I am not sure the 'normal' stages or steps for the ending of the crisis.

Beth: bluebird first when my H left ow did not want him near me. Most do not.

Bluebird: I always did, too and even asked him if we could just start over. So I don't know if that was too much pressure for him

Beth: Bluebird they are all different. Some are back and forth contacting their spouse. Some take longer to get through the crisis. Why not talk to him and see what he has to say?

Bluebird: Beth, he claims that him and OW never argue. Only a couple of small arguments. So I am not sure about any of this!

Cricket: Good evening everyone.

Dani: Hi Beth, Bluebird and Buttons

buttons: hey cricket

Bluebird: I have told him I never stopped loving him either, and if we could start over. But as I mentioned, he is not sure and doesn't want to be pressured. I told him I wouldn't pressure at all.

Beth: Bluebird one thing is they look for changes in us. We can’t change them but with God's Help we ca. Change. They sometimes like for us to do different things. Things we never did when they lived home.

Dani: Bluebird, wow I am sure you have really been on an emotional roller coaster since this contact!

Bluebird: Hi cricket, and buttons

buttons: bluebird, as Beth said it seems to be different for each person, him contacting you and meeting with you after all this time is something. He was open with you and that's a start. As for the arguments it is possible however doesn't sound like they approach challenging things either since most people tend to tousle at least a bit

Beth: Bluebird do not pressure Him. Compliment him. Say nice things to him. Show him you appreciate him. She Him you are changing.

Beth: Hi Cricket how are you? Welcome. Maybe you can give Bluebird some idea how long this MLC last? I think different people take different length of time.

Dani: Bluebird, so that I understand correctly, your husband asked to reconcile?

Cricket: Bluebird - It may be that they never argue because there is no real connection, no emotions involved. Five years is a common timeline for mlc men to work through the tunnel. There are many here who restored at about 5-6 years so this time frame is very natural. I know it's frightening, but I'd take it one day at a time, begin on rebuilding your friendship first.

Bluebird: It seems like he has been 'watching' social media. My daughter posts our activities. He says he is bored and OW doesn't like to do anything. I have changed a lot, and I know it. I think he sees it as well. Yes, I will try complimenting, etc. I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation! It seems so odd after so long a time.

Beth: Bluebird Cricket is right there. You would have to start at friendship again. Work on yourself too.

Cricket: Bluebird - At first the OW is new and there is excitement but in time when the newness wears off, reality begins setting in and they begin remembering the connections they had.

Bluebird: That's great advice! It seems he want s to do that. I started different things like kayaking and talked about how much I loved it. He asked when I go with my kids that they ask him too.

Beth: Bluebird you may feel but uncomfortable after so many years and not much connections. Just be yourself and relax. Of course pray God helps you say and do right things.

buttons: Hey dani

Bluebird: I think a big fear is that after we start a friendship he will decide he doesn't want our marriage anyway.

Beth: Bluebird it sounds like you have started doing things you never did when H come. Yes he sees that. But zip the lip if you are tempted to say something. There were times I almost bite my tongue rather than say something I should not say.

Beth: Ho Dani how are you ? Welcome.

Cricket: Bluebird - I know what you mean, my H started reconnecting after leaving for an OW 5 years earlier. It's like walking on eggs as it has been a while. All of us grow during this journey and generally the standing spouse tends to grow more, we must to work through the pain and it's good for our H's to see this but it also makes us both nervous. The important thing is that mlcrs feel that we could never forgive them and they could never come home as we'd hold it over their head. There are actually many here who have restored their marriages and say things are better than now then they had been. Dani is one who has been restored for many years and still comes in to share and encourage others.

Beth: Bluebird Dani is one that had her marriage reconciled. Maybe she can help you. Ask her what you would like to know.

Bluebird: Hello Dani

Dani: Bluebird, hi, I think these ladies have given awesome advise!

Cricket: Bluebird - Beth is right in that it helps to compliment them, but do so in specific ways. It doesn't work to tell them they are a good person, a good father, etc. They know they have messed up. Compliments are really helpful when they are specific, that they look nice (new haircut, shirt, been working out, something they do for us, etc).

Beth: Dani Bluebird is going to connect with her H and she is nervous that he may draw away again. Any advice for her?

buttons: bluebird my H has been in the house pretty much this whole MLC journey and I understand where you are coming from with the what if we become friends and he decided he doesn't want the marriage after that. I have experienced the I'm going to relax and trust this is moving forward and then it goes backward, there will be backs and forth’s, you just need to remain balanced and keep going forward yourself

Bluebird: Another thing I am afraid of is that we have grown in separate ways. He mentioned he drinks every night to numb the pain. I know this is not unusual

Cricket: Bluebird - As you mentioned, you don't know you feel either but that's why taking it step by step, meeting and talking is good and it helps them get past that nervousness.

Dani: Bluebird, I think it is a tricky balance to leave room in your life for him if he wants to come back "tomorrow", but plan your life as if he is not. If we suddenly change what our "single" life has been like, I think it can pressure them. They need some baby steps

Beth: Bluebird to be honest neither of you will be the person that married years ago. You have already changed and doing new things.

Beth: Bluebird I have heard about marriages restoring and they dated again.

Dani: Bluebird, it's not unusual for them to start drinking. My husband did too. We've been back together about 13 years and it took a long time for him to get that under control. It is another thing to trust God for

Bluebird: Thank you buttons, I am thinking I am kind of glad he has been away so I could deal with myself and not him during this time.! Yes I know we will both be different and plan to continue on! I lost my house and have been living with my parents for 4 1/2 years. I am now looking for a house of my own. Started looking just before he contacted me. So I am wondering if that might seem to 'single ' for him.

Beth: Bluebird maybe it would be a good idea if you came in chat sometimes and you can talk or vent here. That is what we are here for. On Wednesday Bill is here.

Cricket: Bluebird - As I mentioned, we have many in our group (at least 30) who have restored their marriages but it was a process that Dani can talk about too.

Dani: Bluebird – however, like they said, they are all different! I would just advise to follow his lead and continue to be positive, patient and brave. My husband really relied on my courage and faith because he felt so depleted of any of those things

buttons: bluebird You need a place and I'm sure it would have room for him should he return, it shows him you are settled and not pushing him to return

Bluebird: 30, WOW! that's great!

Bluebird: I was thinking he might view it as somewhere to come back to. Thank you everyone for the encouragement. 6 years of almost no contact is so long! So this is scary to me indeed. I keep hearing God's voice saying keep doing what you are doing.

Beth: Blackbird some say flirt with your H. That is something I was never able to do.

buttons: bluebird yes, God does speak and give us courage and direction as long as we are open and listen, it is scary however with God and His plan you will reach His goals for you

Dani: Bluebird, keep listening for His voice. He will help lead you and will help you listen to your husband and what he is saying even when he has a difficult time saying and expressing it.

buttons: bluebird yes, you having your own home would provide a spot to return to where he may feel less judged

Bluebird: I could try flirting when we get a little more comfortable

Beth: Bluebird I am glad you hear God’s voice. You do as God said. Tonight our Pastor preached on not giving up. We want it now but it has to be God’s time. God may not answer yes so we can grow stronger, test our faith, and see if we really believe. It was a real good sermon.

Bluebird: Another thing I wondered, it seems he's more afraid of the kids than me! Is this

Bluebird: 'Norma'?

Beth: Bluebird yes flirt if you can. I never flirted in my life I am sure.

buttons: bluebird I think they are overall nervous, concerned they can't be forgiven or won't be, by the "kids", by you, by other family members

Cricket: Bluebird - If you can joke, that really helps, laughter is huge!

Dani: Bluebird, I found it helpful to think back on what I was like when we first started dating. What did he appreciate? I found it easier to go wayyyyy back to recreate our connection, rather than back to being the wife who he had crushed.

buttons: ALL I just finished reading a book called "The Color of Rain" by Gina and Michael Spehn... although it's about starting over after death some of how they approached things works in the case of MLC

Beth: Bluebird most times they reconnect to the children before us. Maybe he is nervous they will, not forgive him. Does he have contact with any of the children?

Cricket: Bluebird - Yes, flirting comes later but when you see something that you can compliment him on, that's a nice start.

Bluebird: Normal? Beth, our church just finished a series about starting over and 'loving and releasing your regrets. I mentioned it to him and he said he missed going to church. I just remembered he said that yesterday was the most he's talked in a long time!

Dani: Bluebird Yes! Normal! My husband was so nervous that they would not accept him. He was afraid it would never be comfortable and that he would always feel guilty and never comfortable around the family.

Cricket: Bluebird - You really are seeing great signs. PTL

Beth: Bluebird sounds like he is missing some things and he is thinking about it.

Bluebird: Beth, he has contact with the kids but not much.

Beth: Bluebird that is good he has connection with the children. Any grandchildren yet?

buttons: dani that's an idea, wish I could figure out what my H liked wayyy back then

Dani: Bluebird, how are your children toward him? Do you sense that they will be open to him?

buttons: bluebird that sounds like a very good sermon

Beth: Dani funny because my H was comfortable around the children or from what I understood.

Bluebird: I have tears now. I really really had given up and was going to think about dating again. Really! So WOW is all I can say. I know is still a journey and it won't be easy. He did say he would have to date me again.

buttons: bluebird hugs and praises

Beth: Bluebird like Cricket said it is all good signs.

Dani: buttons, when we dated I used to make him care packages and give him little gifts. I started doing that again. Just a little bag of candy or funny socks or something like that.

Beth: Bluebird when will you meet with him?

Bluebird: Dani, my children are OK with him although they saw the pain he had caused. I think that they would not know how to react.

buttons: dani I used to write me H letters about what I'd done in the day and sometimes they'd be backwards. He was in the Navy while we dated

Beth: Bluebird if we knew when you were meeting we all could pray for you.

Bluebird: Beth I saw him yesterday and he said he would meet again next week.

Beth: Bluebird I will pray for you. I am sure all the ladies here will too.

Dani: Bluebird, this is truly a praise. We will certainly be praying!!

Bluebird: I used to make him packages when we were married but I am wondering what OW would say and do.

Beth: Anyway good night to all of you. I am glad you came in Bluebird and keep coming back. As I said you can vent here or talk. It is a safe place.

Bluebird: Thank you everyone for the encouragement and prayers. As I said I really was ready to move on and out of any further relationship with him.

Bluebird: Good night all and thank you !!

Beth: Bluebird it seems to me you were meant to come here tonight and not move on.

Bluebird: I think so!

buttons: bluebird praises and prayers

buttons: Night ladies. Hugs, praises and prayers

buttons: Night all, take care

Cricket: Night

Cricket: Bluebird - It may be that they never argue because there is no real connection, no emotions involved. Five years is a common timeline for mlc men to work through the tunnel. There are many here who restored at about 5-6 years so this time frame is very natural. I know it's frightening, but I'd take it one day at a time, begin on rebuilding your friendship first.

Bluebird: It seems like he has been 'watching' social media. My daughter posts our activities. He says he is bored and OW doesn't like to do anything. I have changed a lot, and I know it. I think he sees it as well. Yes, I will try complimenting, etc. I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation! It seems so odd after so long a time.

Register to read more...