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October 29, 2017 / Sunday

dani2: Swan, truly sad, you are correct. Just like you, I had no idea the inner struggle that my husband was dealing with. I am sure he figures he deserves the situation that he finds himself in.

Swan: dani - I recall one night actually telling my husband that if he wanted to play, I was game and that he needed to take into consideration that I could give a heck of a lot worse than I got. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, but there it was out and hanging in the air. I didn't see the hurting little boy inside him, only that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to just lay down and take it. I regretted those feelings and words; I did apologize once when God gave me the opportunity. My husband said he forgave me and said he knew he had hurt me and my words were from that.

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October 29, 2017 / Sunday

Brin: Hi Swan, how are you doing?

Swan: Hi Brin - I am doing good. How are you?

Brin: Swan, Doing good. Healing from Monday. Work's been understanding so far. It was a beautiful sunny day here today.

Swan: Brin - Great that work has been understanding, sometimes the bottom line take priority over the health of employees and they just don't seem to understand that the bottom line will grow more with healthy employees, so give them the time they need to become healthy. Sounds like your employer has that understanding.

Swan: I have seen on the news there are areas that already have snow, we have been having temps in the high 90's with a few days last week in the 100's. It is supposed to start cooling down here, and I am looking forward to that.

Brin: Swan - yes, they do mostly. In hind sight, I should have taken time off in June to recover but did not due to my project. I might not be in this predicament if I had taken time off then to heal.

Brin: We had some snow yesterday afternoon. Very strange. Temps yesterday were win the mid-30s.

Swan: Brin - If you are anything like me, I too often put everything before myself, I for some reason seem to think that I am an "E" woman, even when others tell me to take it easy, I just feel that I need to pull my weight and take care of my tasks without burdening anyone else.

Brin: Swan, LOL. What's an "E" woman?

Brin: Hi HopinginHim. How are you doing?

HopinginHim1: Swan and Brin - Good Evening. Hope you have had a nice day?

Swan: Brin - Everything to Everyone. There was a book in the "I think" early 80's about being the E woman

Swan: Hi HopinginHim

HopinginHim1: Brin - I am ok. I am so thankful your surgery has gone well. How are you feeling?

HopinginHim1: Swan - Hi!

Brin: HopinginHim, Yes, it's been a really beautiful day outside even though I spent it indoors. I am feeling ok, even though still trying working on accepting this emotionally.

Brin: Swan - OK, "E" woman sounds like 1 of the traits of codependency.

HopinginHim1: Brin - I am glad you are ok. How long do you expect it to take to recover physically? I am sorry this is hard on you emotionally.

HopinginHim1: Swan - We haven't had any snow here yet (thankfully) but not far from us there has been. I hope we can hold off on that for awhile yet!

Brin: HopinginHim - Thank you. I am hoping I'll be healed physically in 2 months, then go into stage no. 2.

HopinginHim1: Brin - So, if I can ask, what does Stage 2 look like? More surgery I presume?

Swan: HopinginHim - we won't get snow here in my area, but it sounds like we might have an El Nino year, which could mean a lot of rain and since we are so dry here that will mean run off quickly and that typically brings flooding.

Swan: Hi dani

dani2: Hi Girls! Sorry I am late.

HopinginHim1: Swan and Brin - I have a quick question. I recall at one point that Cricket mentioned that often it takes MLC men about 5 - 7 years to come through this. My H has been gone for 4.5 years. We are quickly approaching 5 years from BD. I have to say I seem to be struggling more as time marches on and I feel that I am being "used" in that H is desperately trying to stay in "cake eating" mode.

HopinginHim1: Dani - So nice to see you!

Brin: Hi dani. How are you doing?

Brin: HopinginHim, The time varies. Hard to say when they are done. It would depend on whether they want to deal with their issues or not. I understand. Not an easy journey!

dani2: Hi Brin, doing well. Glad to hear you are recuperating and getting the time you need at work to take care of yourself!

HopinginHim1: Brin - Yes indeed. I am frustrated with myself because I seemed stronger in the beginning. I seem to be more easily discouraged lately and that makes me frustrated with myself!

dani2: HopinginHim what is BD? I think when we get slivers of hope; it is easy to lapse into discouragement. I found it easier to be stronger when I thought there was no hope.

Brin: HopinginHim - Love yourself. Lately, I have been praying the Serenity Prayer often - a few times daily!

Brin: Dani - Thanks - yes, it feels good not rushing around for a change. I even took a nap yesterday and today. Felt so good!

Swan: HopinginHim - MLC has its stages, unfortunately as Jim would often tell us, they can bounce back and forth, even skipping stages. The average person going through MLC has been noted to take between 5 to 7 years, however, some do come through it earlier and others take much longer. My husband is taking longer; he is a stuffer and keeps stuffing the issues deeper inside using alcohol to help him not have to face them. He drank some as a young man, then stopped when our children were born and didn't drink again until MLC hit and now from what I understand it is to excess. I understand the being used feeling, I felt that way after my husband started showing signs of MLC and then as he began his adultery and going deeper into the MLC tunnel, I really felt used. Yes, he was definitely dong the cake eating thing, he would have been very happy to stay married and continue his "wild child" life, it wasn't until the other woman pushed the issue of their relationship and demanding he divorce and marry her, heck even then, she did most of the paper work for our divorce, all he had to do was sign the forms.

HopinginHim1: Dani2 - Oh sorry! BD is bomb drop - when H confessed the affair. It was actually only about 1 month after the emotional (of about 6 months) became physical. See the hard part is that H has been saying from the beginning that he wanted us to be together again. He has progressed from "I believe we are on a detour" to speaking continually of the future together - even to the point of moving into the US in the near future. However, he draws closer (although never intimate in any way - just more time spent at our home) and then draws away. He continually says that he is "close to the end" but yet back we go again. It is clear he is having trouble making the "break".

Swan: HopinginHim - dani is a great one to ask questions, she has a restored marriage.

HopinginHim1: Brin - Thanks I am trying to be kind to myself and indulge in a few moments each day just for me!

HopinginHim1: Swan - I am so sorry it is taking your H longer to work through these issues. I think a lot of our MLC men seem to want to run rather than face their issues. And it also seems a lot of them turn to alcohol to "medicate". That is true of my H as well. I do believe he is drinking less than he used to, but still I believe there isn't a day that goes by without at least one or two.

Brin: HopinginHim - I have read that men get scared when they get close, and so often would withdraw after intimacy (emotional or physical). So it's to be expected. Keep praying for him to get through this confusion and his issues. Pray for the hedge of protection around him.

dani2: HopinginHim1 - My h said it was like a drug. He knew it wasn't good for him, he wanted out, but he kept being drawn back to it and then hated himself for it.

HopinginHim1: Brin - I pray for my H every day. He is not really emotionally or physically intimate. He will hug me but that's about it.

HopinginHim1: Dani2 - Interesting. I would say my H would likely feel the same. I wax and wane between telling him I need "space" for my own welfare and then feeling like I am only doing that to "hurt back" and try to snap him out of this. Ultimately, I am trying to stay the course, trust that the Lord has this fully within His capable hands and I just need to wait upon Him. He will clearly show me if I need to change things. It's just the hurt that gets hard to deal with at times.

dani2: HopinginHim - how often do you have contact? My h also said he was afraid that "it would not work", that we could never really, truly forgive him. It seemed like it was easier to stay in a relationship that he "deserved" rather than to come back to his family, which he had nearly destroyed, and risk ruining it again.

Brin: HopinginHim - He's blessed that you are praying for him so faithfully! Hugging you is being intimate too - a different level of intimacy. Even coming over to the house is a way of connecting with you.

HopinginHim1: Dani2 - So what was it that eventually gave your H the strength to break the relationship?

dani2: HopinginHim - totally understandable. I am sure we have all been where you are, questioning our motives along the journey. I know I have been.

HopinginHim1: Brin - Thanks. He communicates with me several times each day and calls me every morning. He is often over although that comes and goes in frequency. But my children would say it likes everything is the same, he just doesn't sleep here. He has, this last year, also taken to being away with us as a family. He even spent one night at our chalet with me alone. We slept separately of course, but that was a big step.

Swan: HopinginHim - My mother in law was a very controlling person with the entire family. My husband went from having his mother control his life to joining the Marine Corps which took over the role of telling him what to do, what to think, how to act, etc. Even in our marriage, he often left the major choices to me, which I mistakenly took it as his including me in decisions, it wasn't until later that I realized he was letting himself off the hook and leaving it all to me. After he retired from the military was when MLC really hit him hard, he went from being a big fish in a little pond to just another fish in a large pond with his civilian job. Shortly after his father passed away and we learned his mother had Alzheimer’s, then she passed away a few months later. From there it went downhill for him and to be honest I knew nothing of MLC, I honestly took his withdrawal personally and just focused on my job so I didn't feel so rejected. Then the adultery started and from there it snowballed down that hill and here we are, divorced and he is married to someone else, rarely has interaction with our children and grandson, has no communication with any of his siblings and there is a zero contact law issued by the other woman which is adheres to.

Brin: HopinginHim - That sounds like a lot of contact. He must be feeling comfortable enough to be seeing you and the family this often and calling you so often.

HopinginHim1: Dani - Sorry I missed your earlier question. As I said to Brin - H calls me every morning and texts me generally every 2 or 3 hours. He often comes over for a few hours each weekend. Maybe just one or two. And when he is around more often, he will drop over during the week for a couple of hours and maybe even spend a couple of hours on the weekend as well. As I said to her, he will now go away with us as a family to our chalet/cottage. This past summer he spent a night there the two of us (as the kids left). We slept separately of course, but that was a first.

HopinginHim1: Brin - Indeed it is a lot of contact. However, he has had a ton of contact from the beginning. In various amounts

dani2:

HopinginHim - I don't know, really. I think the more we were together, just like your family is "together", the more he questioned the other relationship. Sometimes we were intimate and I realized he was hiding me. Very strange, but I think deep down, he was confused most of the time he was away. She started pressuring him to make a decision and so he filed. Without fighting him I asked him to consider if this was going to bring him the peace he was looking for. I reminded him that she would not put up with him coming and spending time with us as a family as he had been doing. This would be the end of our family as he had known it. I remember him reacting in a way that made me think, “has he really not considered this already?" Bottom line, it was God working. His timing.

Brin: HopinginHim - it's a good sign that he hasn't dwindled the amount of contact from the beginning. Keep being the beautiful, kind, gentle you that he's drawn back to even if the frequency varies from time to time.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I am so sorry. It is hard to see him so controlled by someone. I know you have mentioned that he is honest about how miserable he currently is. I guess we trust in the fact that God is in the business of changing hearts and freeing those in bondage. It sounds as if your H is in bondage and yet doesn't know the way out. However, the Lord does. So, we keep waiting and praying. I just know it is hard at times.

HopinginHim1: Brin - Thank you. I try. My weakness is that I have always had someone in my life and this period of "singleness" is hard for me. I am trying to work on that with the Lord. He should be the meeter of all my needs!

dani2: Swan - I was in the same boat. I took my h's unhappiness personally. I also started to react to him with the same attitude he treated me. I thought "ok, I need to rise to the occasion", but that was wrong. He was hurting on the inside and what I saw as arrogance was so much inner turmoil, but I didn't know that.

dani2: HopinginHim - Amen to what Brin said! So hard to stay consistent, but I think that is really what they need to see. He KNOWS he is not strong. I believe he will need to draw on your strength to heal the relationship.

Swan: HopinginHim - I guess I chose to see the strong Marine Corps leader, where he was the one in control, but he is truly two people. In uniform he has all the confidence and strong nature that is needed to be a great Marine. But in his personal life there is a battle filled with insecurities and I would even say a fear raging inside him. Sadly there comes times when the two go to battle and sadly that is a nasty battle and anyone around him gets the aftermath of it. I can honestly say that I have empathy for the other woman because she is the one who now deals with that aftermath. Granted some of it she contributed to, however, I understand he has gotten much worse and from stories I have heard, no one, not even her deserves to be at the other end of that.

HopinginHim1: Dani - Thank you so so much. That is very helpful! My H does present as very confident and yes, even arrogant. He wasn't really before all this happened. He is very successful but I do know that he is torn on the inside. I have seen him tear up more times in the last few years than ever before! I do know that the OW knows NOTHING about how much time he spends with me. I am sure she thinks he is just with the kids. I get frightened that my youngest is almost off to college/university in two years and whether that will end the need for him to be at home. However, I guess that just comes down to trust. The Lord has this and me perfectly in His capable and loving hands. I am really trying to trust that.

dani2: Swan, truly sad, you are correct. Just like you, I had no idea the inner struggle that my husband was dealing with. I am sure he figures he deserves the situation that he finds himself in.

Swan: dani - I recall one night actually telling my husband that if he wanted to play, I was game and that he needed to take into consideration that I could give a heck of a lot worse than I got. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, but there it was out and hanging in the air. I didn't see the hurting little boy inside him, only that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to just lay down and take it. I regretted those feelings and words; I did apologize once when God gave me the opportunity. My husband said he forgave me and said he knew he had hurt me and my words were from that.

HopinginHim1: Swan - As hard as it is, that is a very positive way of looking at this. You are blessed to not have to bear the brunt of his turmoil and anger. I try as well to see this as a blessing. I am not subjected to his "perfectionistic" nature that is sometimes hard on me and I enjoy things he made not have. So I try to focus on that.

Brin: HopinginHim - I have been finding this devotional very helpful to get me in the right frame of mind with the Lord - "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young

HopinginHim1: Brin - Oh thank you! I know it well! I actually gave it to a friend of mine who is struggling with Parkinson’s. She reads it every day. And I read it with my mom every time I visit her. It's part of my bed time routine with her once I have her tucked into bed!!

dani2: Swan - We have all been there, and the fact that you were able to apologize and he knows those words were not from your heart, is a blessing. I believe they are truly out of control when they get like this and just spew hurt for the sake of hurt, just because they are lost.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Amen to what Dani so beautifully said!!

Swan: dani - Yeah, he does feel he deserves it. A guy he was in the Marine Corps with and I would say was his best friend, told me the last time I saw him that my husband had commented to him that he is miserable in his life but deserves what he is getting because of what he had done. When this friend told him, if he was talking about what he had done to me, he was already forgiven for that. He said my husband looked at the ground and said he doesn't know how I could do that, he really did some bad things to me. I guess until he is able to forgive himself, he will not be able to accept that others have forgiven him.

Brin: Swan, I sure hope he can forgive himself. Must be pretty miserable to be drinking excessively every day.

HopinginHim1: Swan - That will definitely be a work of the Lord, but certainly nothing that He isn't in the business of doing.

HopinginHim1: All - Thank you so much for your help tonight. It has been such a blessing to me. You have made a difficult day much brighter. Thank you all!!

Brin: HopinginHim, So glad that you came to join us!

Brin: All, It's been a nice chat. I should try to get on here more often. I'm going to head out. Have a great week.

Swan: Brin - Me too! Sadly he had a falling out with his mother that flowed over to his relationship with his father and he didn't speak to them for years. His father passed away and his mother didn't know who he was the next time there was any contact, I know he regretted that choice and the void left by their loss with no reconciliation, yet he is repeating it and I do worry about the outcome if he doesn't wake up.

HopinginHim1: Brin - Thanks again. Praying for continued healing. Have a great week! Thanks for being here!

Swan: I am going to head out ladies, see you next time.

dani2: Good night Brin - keep healing! We'll keep praying!

HopinginHim1: Swan - Have a great week Swan. Thanks again for being here. Good night!

HopinginHim1: Dani - Again. Such a blessing chatting with you. Have a wonderful week. Hopefully I can swing in again next week. Goodnight

dani2: Good night Swan and HopinginHim1 - I am going to be praying tonight for you and your husbands. They both are heavy on my heart after our chat.

HopinginHim1: Dani - Thank you. I very much appreciate that

dani2: Swan, truly sad, you are correct. Just like you, I had no idea the inner struggle that my husband was dealing with. I am sure he figures he deserves the situation that he finds himself in.

Swan: dani - I recall one night actually telling my husband that if he wanted to play, I was game and that he needed to take into consideration that I could give a heck of a lot worse than I got. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, but there it was out and hanging in the air. I didn't see the hurting little boy inside him, only that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to just lay down and take it. I regretted those feelings and words; I did apologize once when God gave me the opportunity. My husband said he forgave me and said he knew he had hurt me and my words were from that.

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