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October 01, 2017 / Sunday

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October 01, 2017 / Sunday

Bluesky: Hi Swan, how are you? Is your h working thru his heart issues?

Bluesky: Swan, I popped in yesterday but no one was in chat.

Swan: Hi Bluesky. I am doing good. I am not sure what my husband is doing about his heart issue, but since he is remaining stable I am going to guess that he is taking the doctors serious and doing whatever they are telling him to do.

Swan: Bluesky - I was at work and Cricket had an event.

Bluesky: Swan, ahh, maybe I should have stayed the whole time.

Swan: Bluesky - no one else came in, so it was fine.

Bluesky: Swan, oh okay.

Swan: Bluesky - I asked my son a few weeks ago how his dad was doing, he says anytime he asks his dad, he just says "I am still alive". Knowing my husband that is his way of dealing with the issue, he always avoided facing anything unpleasant, my son thinks the same thing, if his dad doesn't acknowledge it then it isn't real.

Swan: Hi brin

Brin: Hi everyone. Welcome to chat!

Bluesky: Swan, yikes, as the child I would want to know more details of the father's health.

Brin: hi swan and bluesky! How are you both?

Bluesky: Hi Brin, how are you?

Brin: hi bluesky, I just got back from an adventure. A somewhat scary one...

Bluesky: Brin, oh?

Swan: Bluesky - My children both know that if they push their dad he will get aggressive and then avoid them, so they are cautious on what they push him for.

Bluesky: Swan, oh my, how sad.

Bluesky: Swan, sad, that he thinks them asking about his health would make him aggressive and not hear the compassion and care they have for him.

Swan: Bluesky - Looking back on the years I was with my husband, I saw him do it so many times (saw his mother do the same things) whenever he would be in a spot, his response to divert the focus would be to pick at whomever was questioning, if a small diversion didn't work he would step into an attacking method and if that didn't work, the angry silence treatment would happen. I cannot tell you how many times I saw my mother in law "disown" her children and other family over the years, it was her way or she would cut you out of her life (expecting you to crawl and beg after a time).

Bluesky: Swan, what a way to live. Control of all.

Brin: Swan, too bad that your H is usig same tactics his mom used.

Bluesky: All, I knew from when I was a young adult that I didn't want to be like my parents. So I made the decision to not to do certain things, like drink or smoke. You can be different and don't have to take after your family.

Brin: Bluesky, I agree with you. Although in some things, it's easy to avoid doing the same thing. In another areas, it's difficult.

Swan: Bluesky - Asking him how he is and showing concern makes his illness real and he doesn't want it to be real, besides that is something else that was a control tool his mother used throughout his life. She would carry her "illnesses" to the extent of actually going to the doctor and sadly it was usually affective in it would draw attention away from whatever the issue was and would bring sympathy onto her. She didn't care for my older sister in law's husband, so at the wedding just as the priest was to bless their union, my mother in law stood up grabbed her chest, cried out and fell to the floor. My sister in law looked at the priest and said, she's fine continue. It was just how she was, it was one of her ways of getting attention, controlling others, etc.

Swan: Bluesky - unfortunately my mother in law and father in law lived the last part of their lives out of contact with five of their seven children, including my husband.

Bluesky: Swan, omg, that is something right out of a TV show. holy moly.

Swan: Bluesky - are we the same person - LOL! I did the same, I refused to be like my mother and step father, worked very hard not to be anything like them.

Bluesky: Swan, very sad.

Bluesky: Swan, oh really? That's amazing.

Brin: Swan, It's sad that they had no more contact with your H before they passed away.

Bluesky: all, I did something the other day I haven't done the entire time I have been in this scenario. I texted my h and asked him a question. Haven't heard back from him. lol But did find out he may be away.

Brin: bluesky, wow, good for you!

Bluesky: Brin, Idk, if it's a good thing or not. lol We shall see. I really don't expect him to answer me.

Bluesky: Brin, I didn't see my dad for years and he passed away earlier this year. And I am okay with it.

Bluesky: Brin, I couldn't allow him to be around my kids when they were young.

Swan: Bluesky - Yeah right out of a TV show alright! I remember one year at Christmas she refused to answer the door when her children started showing up for the annual Christmas family gathering, why because my husband was in the Marine Corps and because of an alert which caused all military leave to be suspended we were not able to travel to Missouri that year. Yes, according to my mother in law "I" ruined Christmas, not the Marine Corps, but me! I got phone calls from all brothers and sisters wanting to know what was really going on, I explained that the American embassy had been overthrown therefore all military members had to remain at their units and be ready to go if that was to become the next action, my husband wasn't even at home with us, he was staying at the barracks, heck the kids and I couldn't even spend time with him.

Brin: bluesky, i hear you about not allowing toxic people around your kids

Bluesky: Swan, wow, what a piece of work she was.

Swan: Brin - That was one of the things that send my husband over the edge of MLC, his dad passed away and when we went back for the funeral, he learned that his mother had Alzheimers, she passed a couple months later.

Brin: swan, wow, what a show!

Brin: swan, I was wondering about that - whether his dad passing away without saying goodbye or reconciliation caused him to go into MLC.

Swan: Bluesky - I understand, my step father was a very toxic person and I really limited his exposure to my children, even when we visited Missouri, the time he was around them was short and never without me right there.

Bluesky: All, it was good to see you both. Off to have some dinner. Praying in agreement with you Swan.

Brin: Good to see you Bluesky. enjoy your dinner

Swan: Brin - my husband was in the Pentagon on 9/11, his department partner was on one of the flights (the flight my husband was supposed to be on and the two men traded presentation slots so the other man could get home early), then his parents passed within a few months.

Swan: Bluesky - thanks

Brin: Swan - wow, the 9/11 could-have must have impacted him as well!

Swan: Brin - For years he always said that it should have been him on that flight not the other man, which made him feel guilty for still being alive, all the other stuff just piled more guilt on top of that

Brin: Swan, that's rough. It's so normal to feel the guilt even though it doesn't help nor is it healthy! Did he ever get any counseling for it?

Swan: Brin - I don't think so, he was required to see a counselor right after, but he joked about that session and how the shrink didn't understand and shouldn't be talking to anyone unless they have lived through terrorism. My husband put on his "Marine" cloak and walled up everything.

Brin: swan, that's too bad.

Swan: Today is my grandson's 16th birthday.

Brin: Swan, Wow, he is of age now! Are you guys doing anything special to celebrate? Feel free to drop out of chat. I can stay until 9pm on my own.

Swan: brin - It is too bad, he puts on that mask and avoids, not only the pain and fear, but any responsibilities as well. I never realized at the time, but there are so many things I can look back on and make so much sense out of, now that we have gone through what we have.

Brin: Swan, we have to keep praying that God gives him the courage to look at his issues and courage to do what it takes be healed.

Swan: Brin - He, his parents and his girlfriend are at a mystery event, they should be home around 8pm and then we will have cake

Brin: Swan, that sounds fun. Wow, he already has a girlfriend? How nice for him.

Swan: Brin - It is amazing when I look back, my husband was an awesome and very brave, devoted Marine, wouldn't hesitate to charge forward and take care of whatever needed to be done. But when it came to the internal, the emotional, that he avoided at all costs.

Brin: Swan, yes, it's sad but isn't this true for a lot of men. They don't like to deal with issues.

Swan: Brin - I think this is girlfriend number three, this one is the longest one through and I believe the best one yet, the other two were very self centered and all about "give me", this young lady seems more down to earth and equally invested in their relationship.

Brin: Swan, that's cool that he's found someone more compatible!

Swan: Brin - This girl is fine with my grandson's obligations and isn't constantly nagging at him. He plays water polo and it takes up a lot of his free time. The second girlfriend actually told him it was sports or her. The first one was always asking him to skip practice. This girl, doesn't comment at all.

Brin: Swan, This girl is smart and considerate! She sees that it's important to him and gives him his space.

Swan: brin - she seems a little smarter than the others, but this girl comes from a military family (her dad is a Marine), but I could be bias.

Brin: Swan, Talking about dealing with one's issues - I think it's common for people in general to not want to deal with their issues. It's easier (though unwise) to deny the issues, even though it prolongs the pain. People don't want to do the hard work until they are forced to deal with it (e.g. when they hit rock-bottom though their circumstances).

Swan: Brin - That is common, too often rock bottom has to happen to get some to deal with issues, that is going to be my husband, he is going to have to slam hard and not bounce, because if there is even the tiniest bit of bounce, he will think he still has another option

Brin: Swan, I sure hope he hits bottom sooner than later. You'd think the heart issue might have caused him to re-evaluate his life. But maybe he is, just not enough to do the hard work.

Swan: I am going to head out, I want to get a shower before the family gets home. No need to stay, I doubt anyone else is coming in, see you next week

Brin: OK swan. Enjoy the birthday cake. I'll leave too. Have a great week as well.

Swan: Brin - It is amazing when I look back, my husband was an awesome and very brave, devoted Marine, wouldn't hesitate to charge forward and take care of whatever needed to be done. But when it came to the internal, the emotional, that he avoided at all costs.

Brin: Swan, Talking about dealing with one's issues - I think it's common for people in general to not want to deal with their issues. It's easier (though unwise) to deny the issues, even though it prolongs the pain. People don't want to do the hard work until they are forced to deal with it (e.g. when they hit rock-bottom though their circumstances).

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