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September 03, 2017 / Sunday

Dogwood: Swan, I am thinking that while I am still here at home, I need to break away from the mentality of always hope that H will be home for dinner, or hope to catch every moment to spend with him when he is around (daytime during weekend). I should plan trips or doing things without him. I have been asking him to do things with me too many times, but he always says he does not feel like to. I probably should stop expecting that anymore, although I really prefer going places with him, but I should plan things as if he is not here, right? getting used to be by myself.

Swan: Dogwood - It does help to become comfortable in our own skin. I am fortunate that being married to a career Marine who was often gone on deployments, I got used to being by myself frequently after our kids were grown. But keeping busy is key to through it. Wanting your husband to do things with you is normal, but yeah, for your own mental health keep expectations low. But don't keep his unwillingness to do things with you from doing things you want.

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September 03, 2017 / Sunday

Swan: Hello everyone

Swan: Hi Dogwood, how have you been?

Dogwood:

Hello Swan! glad the room is open, as I am left behind at home and had a hard time this afternoon when H told me that he was going out to his friends. I am very upset because he continued going to the gathering which is held at OW's house. He told me that he is coming back home, but he still needs to carry on his only social circle. He is really emotionally stuck there.

Swan: Dogwood - He appears to have one foot in each world. I am sorry that he isn't able to walk away from his social circle and commit to his family.

Dogwood: I knew that he is not yet committed back to our relationship, he said that he has been trying and may take a long time, so, he basically wants to keep both the family and his relationship with OW. He is not going to leave the marriage, but he is not giving up his relationship either.

Dogwood: Yes, I am very mad and I cried hard before the Lord, I am now calming down and doing my work and busy in the evening now. will be okay. In my mind, I am thinking of retiring next December and move to be with my son and his family and will stay home here half of the year to work half year for 5 years. It is not an easy decision, I will see how things go.

Swan: Dogwood - I just do not understand some of these other women, I personally would not tolerate a man who stays in his marriage and keeps me on the side. They must not have any self respect, who would get into a relationship like that.

Swan: Dogwood - Living away isn't ideal, but you need to do what is best for you emotionally and if taking time to be with your son and his family part of the year then give it much prayer and thought and do what you feel is right.

Dogwood: older aged career women probably divorced

Swan: Dogwood - the other woman my husband is with started demanding he file for divorce within three months of their relationship and as soon as her divorce was final, she was pushing for them to get married. In fact she wouldn't file for divorce from her husband until she had proof my husband had filed.

Dogwood: Yea, there would be adjustment, but with 4 grandkids and their busy life probably will keep me occupied. they are building a living quarter for me on top of their newly built garage if I choose to move there. I can work half year for 5 years after retiring at my current place.

Swan: Dogwood - a granny suite would be really nice, I have a room at my son's house, but it is all good I get time to myself as well.

Dogwood: My H has been with these friends over 15 years.

Swan: Dogwood - My husband had long time friends, fellow Marine's he had been in combat with and within six months the other woman dissolved all of those friendships. She was not happy that most of them knew me and some had even kept in contact with me. She insisted on a zero contact with me rule and anyone who talks with me cannot be a part of my husband's life anymore. She has even attempted to cause division between my husband and kids and grandson, but at least for that my husband put his foot down and told her that would he would not cut ties with his kids for her. Their relationships are limited, but at least still in tack.

Dogwood: Swan, I am thinking that while I am still here at home, I need to break away from the mentality of always hope that H will be home for dinner, or hope to catch every moment to spend with him when he is around (daytime during weekend). I should plan trips or doing things without him. I have been asking him to do things with me too many times, but he always says he does not feel like to. I probably should stop expecting that anymore, although I really prefer going places with him, but I should plan things as if he is not here, right? getting used to be by myself

Dogwood: Swan: I am glad that your husband knows where to stop OW. I wonder if it would help him to wake up if I ask him to leave the house. But I thought that I would wait until next year if I decide to retire and move half-year away, that he may wake up or he may not. I daughter remnded me couple times that I have been alone for a long time eventhough H has not really left home.

Swan: Dogwood - It does help to become comfortable in our own skin. I am fortunate that being married to a career Marine who was often gone on deployments, I got used to being by myself frequently after our kids were grown. But keeping busy is key to through it. Wanting your husband to do things with you is normal, but yeah, for your own mental health keep expectations low. But don't keep his unwillingness to do things with you from doing things you want.

Swan: Dogwood - only when it came to his relationship with our kids, but the kids don't bring me up, so there really isn't any conversation that includes me. Although my husband does ask about me, but I think that is either to annoy the other woman or to be polite to the kids.

Dogwood: Thank you for your last sentence. My problem is that I have not quite developed "things I want to do". Yes, I love to travel, which might be things I can plan on, the hardest time is the lonely evening, and the moment that I come back to an empty home from work, being alone for the evening,. That is why I always stay at work late. so, evenings are shorter. However, recently there are times he did not go out in the late afternoon, and I came home found him there. But these occasions are fewer and difficult to plan for.

Swan: Dogwood - There have been others who left the home in an attempt to wake their spouse up, I cannot think of one instance that was the result, in fact in most cases it became more of an out of sight out of mind instance. Again that is something you should give much prayer and thought to, take both cases into consideration and be prepared to accept either response. Unfortunately in MLC they often to not react as others would.

Dogwood: Swan, I think that is true. I have to ask myself if it will be worse not to have him home at all, and whether I am ready to live the rest of my life that way.

Dogwood: Recently I heard about a book from Focus on the Family broadcast on topic of how to get unstucked. It seems to talk about what to do next when setting the boundary does not work. I have yet to get hold of a copy to read.

Swan: Dogwood - I left our home because my husband came home angry one night, she started destroying things and threatened me, for the first time in 28 years I actually feared he might hurt me. I just left, got in my car and was driving around thinking he would calm down and call me to ask where I was. Instead he called my son's house looking for me and said some horrible things, calling me names to our son. My son called me and asked me to come to their home, not to go back home because he didn't trust his dad. To this day I have no clue what happened that triggered him, but I wasn't going to stay in that violence. After a couple weeks he invited me to go on a trip with him to our favorite spot, it didn't go well, the other woman called him numerous times daily and if he didn't answer his phone she did the call, hang up and call again routine. He told her he was on a business trip, I guess she didn't believe him because she packed up her car and drove to our home and putting times together, when he got the message from her that she was sitting in front of our home waiting for him that was when he got nasty with me and the trip was ruined. We were in a different state, so he told her to go home and when she wouldn't he paid for a hotel for her to stay in until we did get home, but he was on edge the rest of the trip. I didn't know then why, but later found out.

Swan: Dogwood - I haven't heard of that book, let us know your thoughts on it once you have read it, maybe it will be helpful to others here

Dogwood: Swan, I hope you have a nice labor day long weekend. Did you have to work this weekend? It seems that we are the only two in Chat room. I would leave the room earlier that you may enjoy the rest of Sunday night. Thank you for chatting with me.

Swan: Dogwood - I am working. Tonight is light, there are usually more on Sunday, but it is a holiday weekend

Swan: Dogwood - my grandson is at his cousins birthday party (a sleep over) and my son and daughter in law are out to dinner, so I am on my own for a few hours.

Dogwood: Swan, Thank you for sharing your story. H is regularly go out to the garage to talk on phone every night at 10:15 pm if he did not go to OW. Every weekend afternoon he would check his phone message which I know whenever OW asks him to go over for watching ball games, then he would head out for the evening. He told me that he is depressed, and I actually told him that if he is not living right before God, holding two split lives, he would not get well with his depression. a mental unhealthyness.

Dogwood: Swan, that is wonderful. Are they visiting you? or are you at their place.

Swan: Dogwood - sadly most people feel self medication (use of booze or illegal drugs) is the answer to their depression because they get that dulling feeling for a period of time.

Dogwood: Swan, that is so true. H is afraid to be prescribed with medication, so, he wants to insist on his way to use "positive thinking" and stay away from "negative thoughts". but he does not know how to ask God for help.

Swan: Dogwood - I live with my son, daughter in law and grandson. I lived on my own for a few years, but my husband stopped paying the mortgage that he had agreed to pay. He took a job in England and cut off all support, there was nothing I could do about it and I lost my condo. He didn't tell me that he stopped paying and the bank waited until it was foreclosure time and wouldn't work with me. I even got a second job to try to be able to make up the payments, but it was too late. My children were not happy that I was working two full time jobs and so far away, so they talked to me about just coming back to California and living with my son's family, so I did.

Dogwood: Swan, Glad to know that you are surrounded by family, that is great decision and move!! I should let you go and have a good Labor Day tomorrow!

Swan: Dogwood - in my opinion positive thinking only works when it is followed by positive choices and actions.

Dogwood: Swan, That is so true, a good statement exactly!!! Bye!

Swan: Dogwood - you have a great week and please come in and chat with us anytime, we are here for support.

Dogwood: Swan, I am thinking that while I am still here at home, I need to break away from the mentality of always hope that H will be home for dinner, or hope to catch every moment to spend with him when he is around (daytime during weekend). I should plan trips or doing things without him. I have been asking him to do things with me too many times, but he always says he does not feel like to. I probably should stop expecting that anymore, although I really prefer going places with him, but I should plan things as if he is not here, right? getting used to be by myself.

Swan: Dogwood - It does help to become comfortable in our own skin. I am fortunate that being married to a career Marine who was often gone on deployments, I got used to being by myself frequently after our kids were grown. But keeping busy is key to through it. Wanting your husband to do things with you is normal, but yeah, for your own mental health keep expectations low. But don't keep his unwillingness to do things with you from doing things you want.

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