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August 27, 2017 / Sunday

Swan: Beth - Contact would be a nice thing, my husband hasn't been allowed to have contact with me since he married the other woman, she put her foot down on that day and that was that. Even when he was living with her, he would call me or email me from his work address in the middle of the night, he wasn't into the text thing back then. But she found out he was emailing me and from what I heard they fought for days and in the end, he stopped emailing and calling.

Beth: Swan ow tried everything in her power to keep my H from contacting me in first years. She even got him to leave his job early and move away with her. He lost so much of his pension because of that. But past three years he has been lot different towards me. I do believe ow was not around when he text or Face Time. If she was I would have heard her in background .

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August 27, 2017 / Sunday

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Sunday evening chat

Swan: Hi Beth how are you tonight?

Beth: Sorry I am late. Just as I was ready to join chat my phone rang.

Swan: Beth - No problem, it has just been me.

Beth: Doing fairly good. But still have my days and moments when I can't really believe my H is really gone.

Beth: It seems it might be a quiet night.

Swan: Beth - I know what you mean, there are days when I wake up and have to ask myself where I am. It seems like in those few moment when I first wake I still expect my husband to be here.

Swan: Sunday is typically the busiest night, sometimes it takes a little while for others to realize it is chat time.

Beth: Swan I know he has not lived with me in years but we had contact and especially last 3 years. I miss our texting, face time. I knew he was there if I needed him for anything. Now it is different. I know not everybody had contact with their spouse like I did. I miss him.

Beth: Swan there are things that go through your mind like should you have said this or that. Should I told him in plain English to come home. There are things going through your mind like when anybody else passes away . You wonder if you should have done something differently.

Swan: Beth - Contact would be a nice thing, my husband hasn't been allowed to have contact with me since he married the other woman, she put her foot down on that day and that was that. Even when he was living with her, he would call me or email me from his work address in the middle of the night, he wasn't into the text thing back then. But she found out he was emailing me and from what I heard they fought for days and in the end, he stopped emailing and calling.

Beth: Swan the part I do not understand is you spend over half your life together , have a family, up with your children sick, saw your children take their first step, cut first tooth etc but once they leave you and die we are not allowed to have anything to say especially re funeral.

Swan: Beth - I have had those thoughts, what could I have done better, different, what could I have said, etc. Unfortunately when I could or did, he already had his mind set to be with the other woman, he didn't really put any effort into reconciling with me, and in fact he created events that actually didn't happen in an attempt to justify his leaving and putting the blame onto me.

Beth: Swan ow tried everything in her power to keep my H from contacting me in first years. She even got him to leave his job early and move away with her. He lost so much of his pension because of that. But past three years he has been lot different towards me. I do believe ow was not around when he text or Face Time. If she was I would have heard her in background .

Swan: Beth - I agree and since this happened to you I have given this so much thought, my husband has a bad heart, in fact is on a transplant list for a heart. If anything happens and he passes, I will not be allowed to attend the funeral. If I am allowed to know where he will be buried I will have to say my good bye at his grave site, but since he lives many hours away, I wouldn't be able to do that right away.

Beth: swan I know all those thoughts go through your mind anyway but I am worst now. I guess just knowing I will never speak or see him again makes me think I should have tried harder. I know way down deep probably would not have made any difference.

Beth: Swan I pray that do not happen that way. You will not have a closure to it. It is hard enough mine being cremated but at least I can visit his grave and do lots of times. This is so hard.

Beth: Swan definitely not fair. There should be a law saying we are entitled to some say if we want too.

Beth: Swan it sure isn't what we expected when we married until death.

Swan: Beth - I have thought about not adhering to the no contact rule, just say what I need to say and leave it at that, maybe it would open the door for contact, but to be honest it would most likely come with angry backlash. I had been sending my husband birthday cards through Day Spring for years and he would tell the kids he got a card from me and it was a nice card. But about five years back when I sent him one, I got a nasty email from him telling me that he hated me, calling me vulgar names and telling me to consider him dead and never to send him anything ever again, so I have respected that and don't push anything. It is my guess that she saw the card somehow, but either way what hadn't upset him for over ten years suddenly did, so no more ecards.

Swan: Beth - Well for me till death do you part meant just that, but for my husband it apparently meant until I hit midlife and throw you away for another woman!

Beth: Swan I wonder did she send you the email through his email address.

Beth: swan after my H passed away ow called both myself and son in my H's phone. So she knew the password and probably knew password to his email or bank account if she knew one for cell.

Beth: Swan yes that is the way I felt too.

Swan: Beth - I have thought that as well, but in case he is the one who sent it, I figure just leave it be. The kids know why I stopped sending him cards, he hasn't asked them. I just don't know what would be best to do at this point, but with his heart as it is, I don't want to cause him stress and trigger an attack, which he maybe wouldn't survive.

Beth: Swan maybe you can take chances on sending another birthday card or Christmas one. He may have been angry at something else and put it out on you. My H was angrier when he left then in last years.

Beth: Swan pray about it and ask God for a sure sign. Not sure what sign to ask for. Or maybe one of the children may be able to tell you if he would still be mad.

Swan: Beth - I might test the waters, but not have any expectations. He got so angry when he started the adultery, even when we were still married, his guilt was expressed through angry bouts towards so many, myself first. After I moved to Missouri and wasn't available for him to spew at, he started taking it out on friends, then our children. He later reconciled with the kids and a couple of his friends, but he also lost friends who didn't want to deal with him. He has just been angry at the world for so many years, it is sad really.

Beth: Swan how is the hurricane ? Any damage done to the houses yet?

Swan: Beth - That going on in Texas, what they are showing on the news is horrible, so much damage and lost lives.

Beth: Swan funny how you said he was angry at the world. That is what I always said about my H too. But like I said he had gotten much better in last few years.

Beth: Swan too bad and so sad having damage done. If it is not fire it is floods. Always something.

Beth: Swan I have reached or to my H on times not expecting anything in return. Lots of times I never got a response . I never knew if he got the message/ text or not. But after a while it paid off.

Swan: Beth - My husband did call me one day when I was in Missouri, it was a sneak phone call and I think she walked in on him because I suddenly heard a woman's voice and even with him trying to cover the speaker, I could hear she was getting loud. When he came back to the phone he apologized for sticking the phone under the cushion, but he needed to take care of some personal business. He didn't say it was her and I didn't ask. He had had a dream and I was in danger so he said he just needed to talk to me and know I was fine, the kids told him I was but he needed to hear it for himself. He told me that day that he is miserable every second of every day, but he just doesn't know how to change that. I offered to pray for him, but didn't say what I was thinking. What I wanted to say was leave the adulteress and come back to your family, I know that even in the state he was in that day, my saying that would not have been received well, so I just said nothing and let him talk.

Beth: Swan yes they had to sneak behind ow's back or there would have been an arguments. May have been lot of arguing . We know what they do. And we could not say what was on our mind either.

Beth: Swan when my H left first he did drop by a lot and ow had phoned to see if he was there.

Swan: Beth - He told his a friend that he misses his best friend and this friend told him that was his own fault, he shouldn't have taken up with other women and divorced his best friend, but it isn't like she is lost, he knows where she is and she her door is always open to him. The friend told me that my husband just hung his head, got a sad look and said Swan doesn't deserve the hell that comes with him. The friend said he told my husband, no she doesn't deserve it but that wouldn't stop her from welcoming him with open arms. This is a friend we both knew and I was in contact with until he passed last year. And yes, his wife let me know and I attended the funeral, my husband was informed, but didn't make the trip down.

Beth: Swan nice to have a friend to say that and be in your side.

Swan: Beth - This man was actually my husband's friend, they were in the Marine Corps together, but he always said that I balanced my husband and kept him focused. He wasn't a fan of the other woman and up to the day he passed, he could not believe that my husband divorced me. He always said that when other officers were having affairs, my husband condemned them and spoke highly of me, the friend said that of all the marriages he believed that ours would be one that lasted forever. Guess that joke was on both of us!

Beth: Swan I guess we both had friends that were surprised our marriage failed. I have friends that do not like ow. When she was here for funeral I don't think she went to any of his family's house. She saw them at funeral home. If she was so chummy with them I am sure she would have been there or stayed there .

Swan: Beth - Oh and the friends wife really didn't like the other woman! She said, during a BBQ, she believed the other woman was flirting with her husband right in front of her and my husband. The friend says it was his wives imagination, but from what she described, I think she was seeing correctly.

Swan: Beth - I know for myself I would have wanted to stay with family and/or friends during a time like that, I wouldn't want to be alone.

Beth: Swan I guess somebody is coming in tonight so I am going. Good night and God bless. Also pray and think about contacting your H . But do not expect a reply. He may not at all or it may be after several attempts at contacting him. Lots of times my H never responded.

Swan: Beth - see you next time, thanks for being here

Swan: I will pray about it

Swan: Beth - Contact would be a nice thing, my husband hasn't been allowed to have contact with me since he married the other woman, she put her foot down on that day and that was that. Even when he was living with her, he would call me or email me from his work address in the middle of the night, he wasn't into the text thing back then. But she found out he was emailing me and from what I heard they fought for days and in the end, he stopped emailing and calling.

Beth: Swan ow tried everything in her power to keep my H from contacting me in first years. She even got him to leave his job early and move away with her. He lost so much of his pension because of that. But past three years he has been lot different towards me. I do believe ow was not around when he text or Face Time. If she was I would have heard her in background .

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