Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

August 13, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

August 13, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Happy Sunday, welcome.

tos: Hi

Cricket: tos - Good to see you, are things going with you.

tos: It had been good. Last 2 days rough. 3 steps forward, 2 back.

Swan: Hi Cricket and tos

tos: Do either of you do anything with the website?

Cricket: Tos - Sadly that's typical with mlc. We often call it a roller coaster ride, and not a fun one!

Cricket: Hey Swan

tos: Yes, roller coaster.

Swan: tos - not really, that is mostly Lisa; I can pass your inquiry on to her.

tos: I have tried to register twice for an account and it is supposed to send me a link or something to confirm. It never comes.

Swan: tos - that shouldn't be the case anymore, there was an issue with the registration, the webmaster has eliminated some of the requirements what were causing issues for people. However, you are here, so you have this account.

Cricket: Tos - The important thing is to remember that this is common with mlc and keep your focus on the Lord and not the circumstances. Keep working on growing where you can not because this is all your fault but because in every long term marriage, there is growth. Too often, couples don't share the little things that begin to bother them and those things build. This journey gives us the opportunity to step back and look at areas that we can improve. To listen to our spouse and let them feel we are listening. Some things they bring up are simply excuses for their actions but usually there are things that we can look at and realize that we could improve.

tos: this account is only for the chat room, I think. I've tried to see the archives and no go. I'll try now.

tos: Got this message: Login denied! Your account has either been blocked or you have not activated it yet.

Swan: tos - Oh, I will have to look into that, going to the archives shouldn't be an issue, let me know and I will look into it and see if IT can fix it.

Swan: tos - I will look into that after chat and see what I can figure out and submit a work request with IT, I will let you know via email what I find out.

tos: Thanks, Cricket. But what if the improvements are all discounted and the mlc only points to the mistakes of the past--no matter how many times they are acknowledged and repented. And the verbal lashing is so hurtful (as I am sure were the things I did/didn't do in the past)

Cricket: Tos - Typically men complain that women smother them/nag and treat them like children. They complain that we have let ourselves go, don't care to look nice for them, that we have focused so much on kids that we lost touch with the world, etc. Women say, 1. He is too controlling, dominating and “it’s all about him.” 2. He doesn't understand that I'm growing (spiritually/mentally) as a person and he is not encouraging me in my career, education, or other activities. 3. He doesn't take care of his physical body, hygiene, and general appearance (sometimes I can't stand to touch his flabby body)

tos: 1&2 are definitely going on. 3 not so much, but it has been before.

tos: it's like you've been listening in, amazing all the similarities and sad.

Cricket: Tos - I really listened to my H's complaints and I did make some big changes. My h admitted to his best friend that I'd done great and he wished I'd have done this sooner but now it was too late. We'd lost our connection. When he told me this, I said we could rebuild our connection but he said no it was too late. I realized that he was set on chasing his fantasy and didn't want to see there was hope.

tos: Thanks Cricket. I listened and made changes as well. They've been largely discounted with "you never" and "you always" in the pain. But, I have learned to surrender it all to God. If we keep trying to fix things, He will not step in. If we give it to him and trust, He will.

Cricket: Tos - With all of us, we find that it's like someone wrote a script and played it in our spouses head while they slept. We're always amazed at how often we have heard the exact words. Jim told me that it was still good to look at the areas that I could improve, not because my H would see this and return and mlc would be over, but in time as reality hit, he would remember these changes. AND most of all do this because I want to be the best I can be!

tos: I think it's easy to lose sight of who God made you to be by letting someone else, even a spouse, define you. But you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Not perfect, perhaps. But also not responsible for another person deviating from God's standard, nor for unforgiveness.

tos: However, we are responsible for our behavior (which is in fact not perfect), our own actions and feelings, and our relationship with God.

Swan: tos - when my husband was spewing these words at me, I thought it was only him, and then I found and read Men in Midlife Crisis and realized my husband was actually parroting. Which was helpful for me because I had been taking every word he said personally and trying hard to figure out how he saw things as he did. Some of what he was saying had truth, but most didn't, once I understood it was the MLC speaking, I was able to take it less personal and also stopped arguing with him about it, the less time I spent trying to prove he was wrong, the less stress there was for me.

tos: what is parroting?

Swan: tos - speaking as a parrot would, repeating something.

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Repeating something they had heard? they said before? they read? all of them?

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

Swan: tos - all of them, saying things that they think will justify their choices, but isn't necessarily the truth. Just repeating and unfortunately with television, the news, people we come into contact with, etc. there is so much out there for them to see and hear to make them feel they are not doing anything wrong.

Cricket: Tos - Often these mlc women or men talk to others who are unhappy or they see something in social media or on TV and they latch on to others complaints to justify their feelings. My H was a very capable police officer who had a terrible childhood. He was always one to solve problems for others and he didn't understand why he couldn't shake the depression. He tried all kinds of things, working out, talking to friends, going to counseling but just talk therapy & taking anti depressants. Finally he decided it must be me, it must be the marriage or else why would he be unable to shake the depression & thoughts of suicide. SO they parrot latch on to things they hear others complain about as that lets them justify their actions.

tos: interesting. So they are parroting as a convenient way of justifying their choices

tos: got it

Cricket: Tos - YES, it has been liberating for me as well. I built my life around my H, turned down promotion opportunities, and didn’t join girlfriends with healthy activities because I was trying to be super wife. When my H talked about being smothered, felt responsible for my happiness, etc. etc., I found friends to golf with, I learned to ride my own motorcycle, traveled, etc. HE thought that it was not possible for me to do these things. In time I even ran for and was elected to public office! In working on me, I found talents, skills/abilities I didn't know I had and I stopped feeling responsible to be "super-wife"!

tos: cool!

Cricket: Tos - As you know, this journey severely damages our self esteem. In working in some of these areas, we repair our self esteem and realize that we were not the cause of our spouse's depression. We can grow but we could have grown if our spouse would have shared their feelings and given us the opportunity. Many in restored marriages have been told by their spouse that they were amazed at the growth they made. As reality hit with the OP they were with, they kept noticing the good things their spouse was doing, the saw them growing and finding contentment & self awareness and even enjoying life and they wanted that.

Swan: Sorry, kicked myself out.

Cricket: Swan - We've all been there, welcome back!

Swan: tos - there was one night when my husband actually woke me up so he could tell me a story about what was happening to the other woman; I guess he thought I was going to feel sorry for her. What he was saying had been on one of those night time soap opera type shows just a couple nights earlier and when I pointed out that the other woman must be a fan of the television show, he defended her saying she wasn't that type person, she was into serious television. I pointed out that her story was pretty much identical to the television show and he got angry at me. A couple days later he overheard a couple ladies at his work talking about the show and says he confronted the other woman about it, she admitted she was telling him about the television show, not telling him it had happened to her, although he swears she told it as if it was her life. People sometimes blur the fine line when they are trying to justify their actions and if they hear or see something that looks like a good excuse, they jump on it.

tos: Good grief. Repeating TV shows and books and friends experiences. But if you tell someone that, you would be accused of defensiveness or denial.

tos: or gas lighting

Swan: tos - it happens, I had a young lady that worked for me many years ago that loved I think it was General Hospital, she talked about the people on that show like they lived next door and I had no clue until one day I was commenting to a friend how horrible a time my employees friends were having it and when I said the names she had called them by, my friend informed me they were soap opera characters not real people. I felt foolish, but this girl was so into that show, she believed these people were real, like I said something there is a fine line.

tos: I remember someone asked for prayer for Luke and Laura at church one time back then.

Cricket: tos - Often it's not a obvious is that but you get the idea. They are unhappy and rather than look inside at unresolved issues they latch onto any excuse they hear. Co-workers talk about their h's not listening, being too bossy/controlling, doesn't care, etc and they think, YEAH RIGHT, it's not me, it's them. AS Swan said, they parrot things they hear in their desperation to justify their feelings. There are common things that trigger mlc, a death or life threatening illness of a loved one, a career stress/loss, etc, They can't shake the depression and need to find a reason

Swan: tos - those are the friends this girl talked about

tos: I haven't seen depression yet. Just anger.

tos: but I sense desperation and my heart breaks for her

Cricket: tos - They turn their unhappiness into anger. She probably kept the depression hidden or like in my case, there were things my H was dealing with and I thought his stress was that. Suddenly he admitted that he'd been unhappy in our marriage and had been for years!

Swan: tos - my husband always said during his time in the Marine Corps that I had been a true partner, we were a team and I had serviced as much as he had. After MLC he told some of these same people that he had succeeded in spite of me, not because of me, that I had hindered his career. When his good friend called him on what he was saying and reminded him that I had been one of the better military wives, my husband stopped talking to him. At some point, the fog takes over and they change history from reality to whatever they need so they don't feel guilt over what they are doing

Swan: tos - sometimes anger is part of the depression, they don't understand what is going on within and they don't get the sadness, but get angry at the feelings they are going through. My husband started with anger, then moved into the more outward signs of depression, but was able to hide it pretty well at work for a long time.

Cricket: Tos - YES like Swan, my H actually admitted in counseling that he hated it all the years we worked different shifts. That he protected the time we had together because we enjoyed the same things and had such a good time together. It had only been a couple years that we'd have normal business hours and weekend together. He'd also previously told friends that our marriage succeeded as we were truly best friends. Yet when mlc hit, he said he felt smothered, that I wasn't able to do anything on my own, etc. This was directly opposite of what he said when mlc hit and he truly seemed to believe what he was saying.

Cricket: Swan/tos - I need to run to meet someone who needs my help. Have a good night. tos - hang in there, we have many who are restored and yet they faced the same challenges you describe.

Swan: tos - my husband went from "I love you but I am not in love with you" to "I never loved you". He even told one person that I trapped him into marriage, so he deserved to be free of me and finally live his life. Interestingly, we dated in high school, we both joined the Marine Corps and I actually broke up with him for a time because my family had been constantly saying that we were too young and I really shouldn't commit to my high school sweetheart. For six months he pursued me, one would think that if he hadn't loved me he would have just let it go.

Swan: Night Cricket

Swan: Hi buttons

buttons: Hello everyone, how are you all tonight?

buttons: Hello tos I do not believe we have met. Welcome

Swan: buttons - I am doing good, how about yourself.

buttons: All just going to go back a bit for a minute

buttons: swan fighting with myself-- emotions are messed up right now

Swan: buttons - I have been there, I am my own worst critic at time, hope you get the emotions back on track. Praying for resolve for you.

buttons: swan thank you... it's been a week or more and it's so frustrating... my 50th is coming and my body has been changing for a while and I think the whole combo is messing me around... also H has gone away for work for a week and he lost one of my car keys at a store and said the OLD "I'm moving out when I get back" because I was upset

Swan: buttons - oh no, he was doing so much better and to go right to that, I am so sorry

buttons: swan yeah, it was so frustrating because I have worked so hard on NOT getting upset and angry when he's angry and then he gets angry and says that. sigh

buttons: swan I am severely beating myself up for NOT being very productive at all, I spoke to someone about being on-call for a corner store and was supposed to call to meet her WAYYY back at end of June and I haven't called, also I am just plain feeling not successful at anything right at the moment messy emotions!!

buttons: swan I have been there! It's amazing how unkind they can be and as I was you ladies shared they seem to have the same script

buttons: swan I will let you go hope your new job is working out well for you!

Swan: buttons - work is good, fun! Their words can cut so deeply and they know exactly what words to use to do just that. Have a great evening, sorry about the emotions, I hate when I get that way, praying for you.

buttons: swan thank you and yes, they sure can hurt night. Hugs and prayers have a great week

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

August 13, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Happy Sunday, welcome.

tos: Hi

Cricket: tos - Good to see you, are things going with you.

tos: It had been good. Last 2 days rough. 3 steps forward, 2 back.

Swan: Hi Cricket and tos

tos: Do either of you do anything with the website?

Cricket: Tos - Sadly that's typical with mlc. We often call it a roller coaster ride, and not a fun one!

Cricket: Hey Swan

tos: Yes, roller coaster.

Swan: tos - not really, that is mostly Lisa; I can pass your inquiry on to her.

tos: I have tried to register twice for an account and it is supposed to send me a link or something to confirm. It never comes.

Swan: tos - that shouldn't be the case anymore, there was an issue with the registration, the webmaster has eliminated some of the requirements what were causing issues for people. However, you are here, so you have this account.

Cricket: Tos - The important thing is to remember that this is common with mlc and keep your focus on the Lord and not the circumstances. Keep working on growing where you can not because this is all your fault but because in every long term marriage, there is growth. Too often, couples don't share the little things that begin to bother them and those things build. This journey gives us the opportunity to step back and look at areas that we can improve. To listen to our spouse and let them feel we are listening. Some things they bring up are simply excuses for their actions but usually there are things that we can look at and realize that we could improve.

tos: this account is only for the chat room, I think. I've tried to see the archives and no go. I'll try now.

tos: Got this message: Login denied! Your account has either been blocked or you have not activated it yet.

Swan: tos - Oh, I will have to look into that, going to the archives shouldn't be an issue, let me know and I will look into it and see if IT can fix it.

Swan: tos - I will look into that after chat and see what I can figure out and submit a work request with IT, I will let you know via email what I find out.

tos: Thanks, Cricket. But what if the improvements are all discounted and the mlc only points to the mistakes of the past--no matter how many times they are acknowledged and repented. And the verbal lashing is so hurtful (as I am sure were the things I did/didn't do in the past)

Cricket: Tos - Typically men complain that women smother them/nag and treat them like children. They complain that we have let ourselves go, don't care to look nice for them, that we have focused so much on kids that we lost touch with the world, etc. Women say, 1. He is too controlling, dominating and “it’s all about him.” 2. He doesn't understand that I'm growing (spiritually/mentally) as a person and he is not encouraging me in my career, education, or other activities. 3. He doesn't take care of his physical body, hygiene, and general appearance (sometimes I can't stand to touch his flabby body)

tos: 1&2 are definitely going on. 3 not so much, but it has been before.

tos: it's like you've been listening in, amazing all the similarities and sad.

Cricket: Tos - I really listened to my H's complaints and I did make some big changes. My h admitted to his best friend that I'd done great and he wished I'd have done this sooner but now it was too late. We'd lost our connection. When he told me this, I said we could rebuild our connection but he said no it was too late. I realized that he was set on chasing his fantasy and didn't want to see there was hope.

tos: Thanks Cricket. I listened and made changes as well. They've been largely discounted with "you never" and "you always" in the pain. But, I have learned to surrender it all to God. If we keep trying to fix things, He will not step in. If we give it to him and trust, He will.

Cricket: Tos - With all of us, we find that it's like someone wrote a script and played it in our spouses head while they slept. We're always amazed at how often we have heard the exact words. Jim told me that it was still good to look at the areas that I could improve, not because my H would see this and return and mlc would be over, but in time as reality hit, he would remember these changes. AND most of all do this because I want to be the best I can be!

tos: I think it's easy to lose sight of who God made you to be by letting someone else, even a spouse, define you. But you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Not perfect, perhaps. But also not responsible for another person deviating from God's standard, nor for unforgiveness.

tos: However, we are responsible for our behavior (which is in fact not perfect), our own actions and feelings, and our relationship with God.

Swan: tos - when my husband was spewing these words at me, I thought it was only him, and then I found and read Men in Midlife Crisis and realized my husband was actually parroting. Which was helpful for me because I had been taking every word he said personally and trying hard to figure out how he saw things as he did. Some of what he was saying had truth, but most didn't, once I understood it was the MLC speaking, I was able to take it less personal and also stopped arguing with him about it, the less time I spent trying to prove he was wrong, the less stress there was for me.

tos: what is parroting?

Swan: tos - speaking as a parrot would, repeating something.

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Repeating something they had heard? they said before? they read? all of them?

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

Swan: tos - all of them, saying things that they think will justify their choices, but isn't necessarily the truth. Just repeating and unfortunately with television, the news, people we come into contact with, etc. there is so much out there for them to see and hear to make them feel they are not doing anything wrong.

Cricket: Tos - Often these mlc women or men talk to others who are unhappy or they see something in social media or on TV and they latch on to others complaints to justify their feelings. My H was a very capable police officer who had a terrible childhood. He was always one to solve problems for others and he didn't understand why he couldn't shake the depression. He tried all kinds of things, working out, talking to friends, going to counseling but just talk therapy & taking anti depressants. Finally he decided it must be me, it must be the marriage or else why would he be unable to shake the depression & thoughts of suicide. SO they parrot latch on to things they hear others complain about as that lets them justify their actions.

tos: interesting. So they are parroting as a convenient way of justifying their choices

tos: got it

Cricket: Tos - YES, it has been liberating for me as well. I built my life around my H, turned down promotion opportunities, and didn’t join girlfriends with healthy activities because I was trying to be super wife. When my H talked about being smothered, felt responsible for my happiness, etc. etc., I found friends to golf with, I learned to ride my own motorcycle, traveled, etc. HE thought that it was not possible for me to do these things. In time I even ran for and was elected to public office! In working on me, I found talents, skills/abilities I didn't know I had and I stopped feeling responsible to be "super-wife"!

tos: cool!

Cricket: Tos - As you know, this journey severely damages our self esteem. In working in some of these areas, we repair our self esteem and realize that we were not the cause of our spouse's depression. We can grow but we could have grown if our spouse would have shared their feelings and given us the opportunity. Many in restored marriages have been told by their spouse that they were amazed at the growth they made. As reality hit with the OP they were with, they kept noticing the good things their spouse was doing, the saw them growing and finding contentment & self awareness and even enjoying life and they wanted that.

Swan: Sorry, kicked myself out.

Cricket: Swan - We've all been there, welcome back!

Swan: tos - there was one night when my husband actually woke me up so he could tell me a story about what was happening to the other woman; I guess he thought I was going to feel sorry for her. What he was saying had been on one of those night time soap opera type shows just a couple nights earlier and when I pointed out that the other woman must be a fan of the television show, he defended her saying she wasn't that type person, she was into serious television. I pointed out that her story was pretty much identical to the television show and he got angry at me. A couple days later he overheard a couple ladies at his work talking about the show and says he confronted the other woman about it, she admitted she was telling him about the television show, not telling him it had happened to her, although he swears she told it as if it was her life. People sometimes blur the fine line when they are trying to justify their actions and if they hear or see something that looks like a good excuse, they jump on it.

tos: Good grief. Repeating TV shows and books and friends experiences. But if you tell someone that, you would be accused of defensiveness or denial.

tos: or gas lighting

Swan: tos - it happens, I had a young lady that worked for me many years ago that loved I think it was General Hospital, she talked about the people on that show like they lived next door and I had no clue until one day I was commenting to a friend how horrible a time my employees friends were having it and when I said the names she had called them by, my friend informed me they were soap opera characters not real people. I felt foolish, but this girl was so into that show, she believed these people were real, like I said something there is a fine line.

tos: I remember someone asked for prayer for Luke and Laura at church one time back then.

Cricket: tos - Often it's not a obvious is that but you get the idea. They are unhappy and rather than look inside at unresolved issues they latch onto any excuse they hear. Co-workers talk about their h's not listening, being too bossy/controlling, doesn't care, etc and they think, YEAH RIGHT, it's not me, it's them. AS Swan said, they parrot things they hear in their desperation to justify their feelings. There are common things that trigger mlc, a death or life threatening illness of a loved one, a career stress/loss, etc, They can't shake the depression and need to find a reason

Swan: tos - those are the friends this girl talked about

tos: I haven't seen depression yet. Just anger.

tos: but I sense desperation and my heart breaks for her

Cricket: tos - They turn their unhappiness into anger. She probably kept the depression hidden or like in my case, there were things my H was dealing with and I thought his stress was that. Suddenly he admitted that he'd been unhappy in our marriage and had been for years!

Swan: tos - my husband always said during his time in the Marine Corps that I had been a true partner, we were a team and I had serviced as much as he had. After MLC he told some of these same people that he had succeeded in spite of me, not because of me, that I had hindered his career. When his good friend called him on what he was saying and reminded him that I had been one of the better military wives, my husband stopped talking to him. At some point, the fog takes over and they change history from reality to whatever they need so they don't feel guilt over what they are doing

Swan: tos - sometimes anger is part of the depression, they don't understand what is going on within and they don't get the sadness, but get angry at the feelings they are going through. My husband started with anger, then moved into the more outward signs of depression, but was able to hide it pretty well at work for a long time.

Cricket: Tos - YES like Swan, my H actually admitted in counseling that he hated it all the years we worked different shifts. That he protected the time we had together because we enjoyed the same things and had such a good time together. It had only been a couple years that we'd have normal business hours and weekend together. He'd also previously told friends that our marriage succeeded as we were truly best friends. Yet when mlc hit, he said he felt smothered, that I wasn't able to do anything on my own, etc. This was directly opposite of what he said when mlc hit and he truly seemed to believe what he was saying.

Cricket: Swan/tos - I need to run to meet someone who needs my help. Have a good night. tos - hang in there, we have many who are restored and yet they faced the same challenges you describe.

Swan: tos - my husband went from "I love you but I am not in love with you" to "I never loved you". He even told one person that I trapped him into marriage, so he deserved to be free of me and finally live his life. Interestingly, we dated in high school, we both joined the Marine Corps and I actually broke up with him for a time because my family had been constantly saying that we were too young and I really shouldn't commit to my high school sweetheart. For six months he pursued me, one would think that if he hadn't loved me he would have just let it go.

Swan: Night Cricket

Swan: Hi buttons

buttons: Hello everyone, how are you all tonight?

buttons: Hello tos I do not believe we have met. Welcome

Swan: buttons - I am doing good, how about yourself.

buttons: All just going to go back a bit for a minute

buttons: swan fighting with myself-- emotions are messed up right now

Swan: buttons - I have been there, I am my own worst critic at time, hope you get the emotions back on track. Praying for resolve for you.

buttons: swan thank you... it's been a week or more and it's so frustrating... my 50th is coming and my body has been changing for a while and I think the whole combo is messing me around... also H has gone away for work for a week and he lost one of my car keys at a store and said the OLD "I'm moving out when I get back" because I was upset

Swan: buttons - oh no, he was doing so much better and to go right to that, I am so sorry

buttons: swan yeah, it was so frustrating because I have worked so hard on NOT getting upset and angry when he's angry and then he gets angry and says that. sigh

buttons: swan I am severely beating myself up for NOT being very productive at all, I spoke to someone about being on-call for a corner store and was supposed to call to meet her WAYYY back at end of June and I haven't called, also I am just plain feeling not successful at anything right at the moment messy emotions!!

buttons: swan I have been there! It's amazing how unkind they can be and as I was you ladies shared they seem to have the same script

buttons: swan I will let you go hope your new job is working out well for you!

Swan: buttons - work is good, fun! Their words can cut so deeply and they know exactly what words to use to do just that. Have a great evening, sorry about the emotions, I hate when I get that way, praying for you.

buttons: swan thank you and yes, they sure can hurt night. Hugs and prayers have a great week