Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

July 23, 2017 / Sunday

Dogwood: Cricket: Thanks for telling me anger is normal. I do get over the negative feeling quickly. But going through it is not a pleasant experience. Also, don not know how should I feel about him and how to relate to him when I see him in the house. Should I withhold conversation with him because I am mad at his keeping going out? Should I withhold my feeling toward him? Or doing my own thing without inviting him? He normally does not accept my suggestions about doing anything together, but I have not stopped trying every time

Cricket: Dogwood - When you are home with your H, try to keep things light, upbeat and pleasant so he can see that he can have a nice evening at home and watch a game with you. Laughter is huge for them and for depression, so sharing something funny you saw or that happened is huge. As he sees that he can stay home and have a nice night, no talk about marriage and his behavior, it may help him stay home more.

 

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

July 23, 2017 / Sunday

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Sunday evening chat

Cricket: Happy Sunday all!

Swan: Hi Cricket

Swan: Welcome Dogwood - how have you been doing?

Dogwood: Hi Cricket and Swan. It has been a long time since I come to the Chat, taking me a while to remember how to get in

Cricket: Hi Swan, thanks for covering me yesterday.

Cricket: Hey Dogwood, yes it has been a long time. Glad to see you.

Dogwood: Do I just type in this box? Or, should I click on your or someone's icon first?

Swan: Cricket - it was only I and tos, he was asking if the anger and rage is normal, so we had a little chat about how the mlcer throws blame rather than accept responsibility.

Swan: Dogwood - that was the old chat room, this is simply typing into the box, if you want someone specific you have to type their name at the beginning.

Swan: Dogwood - this chat program doesn't do as much as the old one did, however, this one doesn't require Java and doesn't have the problems the other one had, so in the long run we are better with this one.

Swan: Hey dani - hope all is good with you

Cricket: Hey Dani, good to see you.

Cricket: Swan - Wow, glad that tos joined you. I know Pualani thought she would be there too but thankful you were there to encourage tos.

Cricket: Dogwood - Just type in the box and start by writing the name of who you're chatting with.

dani3: Hi All, glad to be here

Dogwood: Swan & Cricket: Okay, thanks. H has been staying in the same bed with me since February this year, and a few months in the fall last year as well. But he still continues to go to the OW's house to watch the games every night. I have been stuck in this situation for more than 10 years now. H had a mini stroke 2 years ago and another one early this year. He refuses to take antidepressant medicine and says going to watch games with a group of friends is the only way he can reduce his stress (his business is not doing well). He said that he did not do anything wrong while at friend's house. But he goes 7 days a week. I told him that I can't tolerate this anymore. He asks: am I not allowed to go out to get a break? I am working everyday during the day and not seeing him in eves. I don't know how to handle my anger that is boiling inside of me, just suffering a lot. But I always treat him well. Any thoughts? I need the email to contact Jim Conway, please let me know how to contact him for counseling

Swan: Cricket - I haven't lived with that anger and rage in so many years, I honestly have almost forgotten how unpredictable they can be, but chatting with tos about it quickly reminded me of the egg shell walk. As much as I love and miss my husband, I have to also admit that I don't want that back in my life. I cannot imagine being the person actually living that inside of them, I witnessed it from the outside, but thinking about it last night caused me a sense of sorrow for my husband that he chooses to live that internal hell.

Swan: Dogwood - Jim doesn't really do counseling anymore, but go ahead and send an email request through This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. it will be forwarded to Lisa and she should be able to forward it to Jim, if he can't offer counseling, maybe he can refer someone.

Dogwood: Cricket or Swan: I am really thinking about asking him to move out if he chooses to continue this way and feels he is entitled to do so for "reducing his stress" or prevent another mini "stroke" actually thank God, the fine vessel in his brain is now completely blocked, whereas it was narrowed to 97% 2 years ago. So, there is less chance of blocking again, the blood automatically flow by passing. His heart vessels are all healthy.

Dogwood: Swan, do you have Lisa's email? Last time I talked with Jim he said that I can contact his email directly but I don't remember his email address. Will try This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Cricket: Dogwood - I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't changed the past 10 years. I remember you were trying to set some boundaries a few years ago but never heard how that went. What do you feel your options are? Jim Conway left this site a few years ago and handed off things to Bill Farrell so Jim is not available for counseling any longer.

Cricket: Dogwood - Do you think your h would simply move out if you asked? Would he move in with the OW or one of his friends and possibly file for divorce?

Swan: Dogwood - Asking him to move out would be a type of establishing your boundary to his lack of respect towards you, however, be cautious that he may go and then blame you for whatever goes wrong for him. Is it possible to let him know you are concerned for his health and as much as you realize he needs to relieve stress could he also understand your concerns and take that into consideration as well? You are not blaming or accusing him of doing anything wrong, just desire that he take care of his health.

Dogwood: cricket: I don't know how to set boundaries, and what does that really meant? I was doing things on my own disregarding of H for quite a while, until he began to come back to our bedroom; but he has never made a total change verbally or in action at all. He wanted to keep 2 outlets for himself. He told me last week that he has found himself changed, but not quite completely.

Cricket: Dogwood - It does sound like a big change that your H has been sharing your bed again after years of not doing so. Seems like that is progress, have there been other changes in how he treats you, does he talk with you more than he had been?

Cricket: Dogwood - Do you think he'd be open to counseling with you?

Swan: Dogwood - you simply email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and it will get to Lisa. I used to have an email for Jim, but since they are not involved with Midlife Dimension or LateLifeHope anymore and with he and Jan in the process of moving, I don't have one right now, but we will try to get you hooked up with him if it is possible.

Cricket: Dogwood - Through the years, we've talked about setting boundaries and I know we've mentioned the book Boundaries, have you ever had a chance to read Boundaries as Jim suggested?

Dogwood: Swan He thought he needs to taking care of his health, so, he must go to friends watching ball game so, his mind is totally off the troubles he is in, where that is the only therapy works for his health. Without that, he feels the depression hitting him physically

Swan: Dogwood - how much drinking is going on while they watch games?

Cricket: Dogwood - You mentioned he refused to take anti depressants, did he see his doctor about his depression and that's how he got the prescription?

Dogwood: cricket: I do not have that book nor read it. I feel my biggest fear is whether I will be happier without him here. Jim did tell me some woman would rather have 1/2 of the husband than none of the man. I have to ask myself that question. And be ready for the consequence if I choose to let him go.

Swan: Dogwood - I have bad news for him, the depression is very obvious in his choice of reducing stress, just because he isn't feeling the deep sinking doesn't mean it is gone, just that he is stuffing it more.

Dogwood: Swan: there is NO drinking. Since he has distanced all his old friends, he told me this is the only small social circle he has now. But it has both men and women in the group, at the OW's house

Swan: Dogwood - the book Cricket is talking about and Jim often recommended is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, it comes in paper book and CD book forms.

Dogwood: Cricket: Yes, the doctors gave him prescriptions, but he read that they conflict with his blood thinner med, so, he is afraid to take it. He also is worried about bad long term bad effects. He is very stubborn.

dani3: Dogwood, it sounds like the social interaction is important to him. Do the two of you have friends or do you make social plans together?

Cricket: Dogwood - Yes, Jim Conway mentioned suggested the book Boundaries and I know both Swan & I have recommended it in the past. My counselor had also recommended it for me even before Jim Conway did.

Swan: Dogwood - At least there is no drinking, often when a person dealing with depression stops taking their antidepressants, they do what counselors call self medication with drinking and or illegal type drugs and with marijuana now being legal in California I know there has been an increase in use for almost everything.

Dogwood: dani3: He has distanced with all his (our) friends because the business is not doing well, and those friends all have invested into this business, so, he does not want to social with them, because he does not want to think about the business

Swan: Dogwood - did the doctor that prescribed the blood thinner medication also the same for the antidepressant? If so, I don't imagine they would have prescribed meds that conflicted and if it isn't the same doctor, all he need do is talk to either doctor about the side effects and a medication that won't conflict with each other.

Dogwood: Swan, He knows that alcohol is bad for his health, and no drugs He told me that he is learning to pray to reduce his stress, but he does not read Bible. He does not want to make effort.

Swan: Dogwood - prayer is a great place to start, talking with God is always good. The Bible may come later, sadly in our society today most people don't want to get into anything that actually requires effort on their part, by the way the Bible also comes in CD book form, he wouldn't have to take separate time to read, just have it playing in the background, something will sink in at some point.

Dogwood: Swan, Yes, even our son who is a family doctor prescribed antidepressant for him, he picked up, but read a lot and gave much thought, and decided that he does not want to risk the conflicting with blood thinner medicine. He is actually very scared of this recent mini stroke. The neurologist said the blood thinner is the only treatment they can do to prevent it happen again.

Cricket: Dogwood - Wow, that's a big step that he has begun to pray. As Swan said, sometimes offering the option of a CD seems easier for people.

Swan: Dogwood - fear of death is a powerful emotion and I can see that he wants to keep the medication that is helping in that area, a stroke even a mini one is scary and a real wake up call to our mortality.

Cricket: Dogwood - I do know that there can be real dangers in mixing some medications with blood thinners but I would think his doctor considered everything he's taking but with his son also recommending this, which should help reassure him. It may take some time for him to consider trying the medication. I do know that some antidepressants make it hard to sleep and some interfere with sexual function which tends to make some afraid to take them.

Dogwood: Swan, he is not going to take that. He is actually shy away from anything "too religious". I guess I have to talk to a counselor to figure out how should I handle my emotions and how should I feel about all these. I appreciate the Chat that is available for me to talk about my problems and feelings. I actually have some work that is due tonight, it is a bit difficult to concentrate when he left to his gathering at 4:30 today, telling me that he is going out, when asked, he simply said: Can't I not go out for a while? He does this everyday leaving a note for me when I come home from work, so I am eating dinner all by myself every day, a few occasions, I found him home when I got back from work, that makes me keep hoping this would be more often sad to me.

Cricket: Dogwood - Remember you can come to chat on Wednesday when Bill is here and ask his thoughts. Bill Farrel is a licensed experience counselor that Jim Conway selected because he had faith in his ability.

Swan: Dogwood - well he might not be ready to read or listen to the Bible, but we can all pray for him.

Cricket: Swan /Dogwood - AMEN.

Dogwood: cricket: Yes, I have been so busy at work and have not done Wednesdays' will get back to it soon

Dogwood: Swan: thanks,

Swan: Dogwood - just please remember that Wednesday chat with Bill is from 5:00 to 6:00 pm, an hour earlier.

Dogwood: Swan, Yes, I remember. Thanks, Will try this Wednesday.

Cricket: Dogwood - My guess is that it feels like your H made progress, he returned to your bed but then in going out at night, it's like you get your hopes up that things will improve but his going out keeps you feeling like you can't quite reach the brass ring

Cricket: Dogwood - Anger and frustration is normal but the Lord and time in your Bible can really help you too.

Cricket: Dogwood - Another thing to think about is when you’re H is home, not using that time to talk to him about changes, his behavior, etc. Sometimes they say they leave to avoid the difficult conversations that we as wives want to have to work out our issues.

Dogwood: Cricket: Thanks for telling me anger is normal. I do get over the negative feeling quickly. But going through it is not a pleasant experience. Also, don not know how should I feel about him and how to relate to him when I see him in the house. Should I withhold conversation with him because I am mad at his keeping going out? Should I withhold my feeling toward him? Or doing my own thing without inviting him? He normally does not accept my suggestions about doing anything together, but I have not stopped trying every time

Cricket: Dogwood - When you are home with your H, try to keep things light, upbeat and pleasant so he can see that he can have a nice evening at home and watch a game with you. Laughter is huge for them and for depression, so sharing something funny you saw or that happened is huge. As he sees that he can stay home and have a nice night, no talk about marriage and his behavior, it may help him stay home more.

Swan: Dogwood - Are you open to showing an interest in the sports and watching them with him?

Dogwood: Cricket: Okay, I shall remember, I do not bring up his behavior issue, but a few times only when he is telling me and walking out of the house in front of me. I would point out how that hurts me. Usually he does not respond, but sometimes he will say that he knows that displeases me.

Cricket: Dogwood - That's a point too, they know they are hurting us but they also fear confrontation so often they leave to avoid the hard conversations.

Dogwood: Swan: I am not at his level. I would sit with him when he watches at home, but I usually do something else at the same time.

Cricket: All - I need to go to meet a friend. Have a good week. You are all in my prayers. BTW - Dani - This week is your prayer week.

Dogwood: Cricket Thanks for taking time to listen to me. Have a good evening

Swan: Dogwood - sports are not hard to learn and you don't have to be at his level, just enough to be able to interact some. What sports is he watching? Personally I am not a big soccer fan, but I enjoy football, basketball and baseball. Not a fan of boxing or wrestling either, but maybe if you could learn enough to not just be there doing something else.

Swan: All - I need to head out too, please join us Tuesday evening and remember Bill is in on Wednesday

Dogwood: Swan, He is watching everything all the sports. Sometimes, he just have the TV on, but not really watching anything. He probably just wants to be with the group that is all. Thanks have a good week!

Dogwood: dani3 sorry that I overtook the entire conversations today. Hope you have a good week ahead

Swan: Night ladies

Dogwood: Cricket: Thanks for telling me anger is normal. I do get over the negative feeling quickly. But going through it is not a pleasant experience. Also, don not know how should I feel about him and how to relate to him when I see him in the house. Should I withhold conversation with him because I am mad at his keeping going out? Should I withhold my feeling toward him? Or doing my own thing without inviting him? He normally does not accept my suggestions about doing anything together, but I have not stopped trying every time

Cricket: Dogwood - When you are home with your H, try to keep things light, upbeat and pleasant so he can see that he can have a nice evening at home and watch a game with you. Laughter is huge for them and for depression, so sharing something funny you saw or that happened is huge. As he sees that he can stay home and have a nice night, no talk about marriage and his behavior, it may help him stay home more.

Register to read more...