Midlife Dimensions

6:10 PM

donna.123

Beth-My H came in the house today for this first time since leaving to get something. He was calm and reasonable for the first time in 12 wks. Since he left and filed for D. He was helpful yet very distant, like I was a friend. He left and thanked me. I didn't approach him at all with any agenda of us. This was good for him. Thoughts?

6:11 PM

Beth

donna.123 You did good. Yes for some reason we have to be their friend even though we are almost dying on the inside.

6:53 PM

surety

buttons2 he's holding on to me is good, and I know God is in the middle of it. Have had some prayers answered lately, but the last year has been weird, I've grown a lot, had some really bad ups and downs, but am working hard to let go and let God. That was hard for me I have been driven by a lot of fear I have had to overcome.

6:56 PM

buttons2

surety yes, it can take quite a bit of work to learn to let go and LET GOD, it takes time and practice because we are used to being in control

6:48 PM

donna.123

cricket-my H says we just don't work anymore. I'm too negative. extreme amount if stress in our lives the last 3 yrs including death of his mother. Work load increased for him and said I didn't understand. married 24 yrs. he is a different person the last 2. I don't even know him and his anger.

6:49 PM

cricket

donna.123 - I found that in the earlier stages, I needed to focus on my own growth and healing. There were some things that my H complained about that I could see he was right. I was too nurturing, thinking I was helping but I could see he felt I was mothering him. I could also see that I tended to explain things too much. If he didn't agree or was upset, I'd keep talking trying to say the same thing differently to get him to see my point of view. Instead I needed to say it once and let him have time to process it. I also tended to be defensive so did work too hard to justify things. He felt I was smothering him so I worked on my independence.

1:51 PM

Tiger

cricket - so do you think the majority tell you he’s coming back because they believe? or because they know that’s what you want and don’t want to hurt your feelings any more than you already hurt?

1:52 PM

cricket

Tiger - At first in my case, most people felt my H would be back. We'd been together 28 yrs and were best friends. We were always the marriage everyone felt was strongest. Even when my H married the 1st OW, most said that knowing her, there is no way that would work, that he'd be back.

6:49 PM

donna.123

My H left 10 wks ago. Thought it is was temp separation and we were working on ourselves. He stayed away from home with little contact. Picked up 17S and 13D and showed them rented house and divorcing their mom but couldn’t tell me. Told me via phone 2 days later with angry words and hung up on me. Texted my college S and told him he was divorcing me. Family struggling. H distorted reality. Very angry at me, married 24 yrs, good marriage 20 plus yrs. Lots of stress last 3.

6:52 PM

Beth

donna.123 Sorry to hear all this but a lot of us has heard the divorce word. Some never get a divorce yet. They do be very angry and put it out on us. We are the ones they blame. Most of it from themselves but they just have to take it out on someone else and that is usually us.

6:40 PM

koko

surety@37 you sound exactly like me I can think of words to say, at the moment. But when time to say it I don’t or it comes out totally wrong

6:46 PM

surety

koko @40 I think it’s my timid gentle personality that causes that in me. my words usually always come out goofy, especially when I want it to be understood. or I just plain say too much. My h is a very strong, always right personality, so it’s hard for me to respond. He miss understands me a lot, and thinks he knows things about me or my wants and needs and I have always really thought he never did get me. I guess that’s How the "love language" would help us tremendously

7:16 PM

broken74

cricket wow thank you hope it’s not too late to do this, I’ve been doing this for 5 months now

7:16 PM

Cricket

broken74 - blondie - GREAT - They do notice but usually don't admit it to us. They don't want to admit our changes as it takes away their justification for leaving or giving up. They also worry we'll fall back into old habits so it takes time for them to trust our changes. broken74 - IT IS NOT too late. In time they forget things we did wrong and see the good things we are doing

1:33 PM

buttons

cricket H has been reaching out a little for intimacy, talks like it's our place and things again, talks in future; it is SO frustrating and confusing these ups and downs, causes me to wonder still because of those outbreaks of anger and such.

1:36 PM

Cricket

buttons - Try to remember that a mlcr goes through huge emotional waves. David Alan and Bob Steinkamp both said that there were times they felt like a cornered animal, backed into a corner and wanting to jump out of their skin. They said they really didn't know why they felt like that and it was frightening because they couldn't control those emotions.

6:36 PM

lalachrissie

Bluesky I found an attorney and he suggested I call h's attorney and ask for an extension to respond. I did and was granted an extra month, so I don't need to respond until the end of May

6:38 PM

Cricket

lalachrissie - Anything like that is great to stall without creating more tension.

6:22 PM

koko

Hannah so my W give me summons to sign for Divorce last week, then last few days not in great mood, today she calls me at work to see if I have time to order concert tickets for her and D19

6:24 PM

hannah

koko, I truly believe she is depressed and needs help because she doesn't know what she wants.