Kmkrn: Swan - I'm not sure I want (or could handle) the details, even after all this time, so it's probably better this way.
Swan: KmKrn - I agree, hearing details would only allow the enemy the ability to surface images to my mind that would bring back up the hurt. There was a time in my life when I needed to dissect every little thing, not this, I don't want to know what my husband and the other woman are doing, and I think that is part of why I don't ask any questions of the kids about their dad.
dumbfounded2: dani3, Brin - Thank you. I was pretty heartbroken too. I had posted a picture of H and me last Dec at a work event and for some reason she felt compelled to text me, blasting me for being selfish, and unbelievably stupid, it went on and on. She is immature in many ways and my son is the more level headed one, but he can’t make her mature. I have treated it much like the MLCer in that I ignore the spewing and march on. I am going to treat them as my children and she will have to learn to deal with that or it will eventually cause problems with their relationship. My oldest calls me almost every day like he use to (on his way to work) and we talk about all kinds of stuff. I am mama and plan to always be so we will see. We are planning another Thanksgiving trip to see them and our son seems excited to see us.
Cricket: dumbfounded - It's hard as far as your DIL but in her mind, she is protecting her H. You're doing the right thing by applying lessons learned from mlc. It will probably take time to trust but hopefully as she sees her H/your son trusting, she'll slowly come around. Sadly, I wonder if there are some dysfunctional things from your DIL's family that makes her more rigid in her thoughts.
Dogwood: Cricket: Thanks for telling me anger is normal. I do get over the negative feeling quickly. But going through it is not a pleasant experience. Also, don not know how should I feel about him and how to relate to him when I see him in the house. Should I withhold conversation with him because I am mad at his keeping going out? Should I withhold my feeling toward him? Or doing my own thing without inviting him? He normally does not accept my suggestions about doing anything together, but I have not stopped trying every time
Cricket: Dogwood - When you are home with your H, try to keep things light, upbeat and pleasant so he can see that he can have a nice evening at home and watch a game with you. Laughter is huge for them and for depression, so sharing something funny you saw or that happened is huge. As he sees that he can stay home and have a nice night, no talk about marriage and his behavior, it may help him stay home more.
tos: That's helps. At least it means she feels safe with me. Yikes! Thanks again. All the divorce Talk makes me anxious, but God is with me. Talk soon.
Swan: My husband's divorce made me sick, physically and mentally, I actually stayed in bed for several days, took time off from work, I just couldn't function for a period. I knew that I couldn't stay in that state, but allowed myself to fall apart for a few days, then had to buck up and get back into life. It wasn't easy and I was still in that daze for months, but eventually through my time with God functioned better a little more with each day.
Cricket: Swan - I can completely imagine how much that meant to her and I know there are many times that you have blessed them, not to mention that your grandson & you share a bond that gives him someone other than a parent he can confide in and respects advice from. That is huge!
Swan: Cricket - with both of his grandfather's having had midlife issues, I really don't want him to go through it and feel it is better for him to be able to talk to someone rather than bottle things up and he also knows that if I think his parents need to know they will be told, he gets the first opportunity but they will find out.
Swan: Cricket - Retirement is hard for police, fire and military, it is like they have such a hard time finding the off switch. Even while our military was in "at peace" status, they spend so much time training, organized and being on the ready that when it is all done, they cannot just relax, they continue to live in prep mode. This explains why so many go into second careers of equal stress, become substance abusers, chase happiness but never finding it or going completely off the grid. My husband and I also planned to travel; our target age was 55 years old, no work just going when and where we wanted. He is still working, he did buy a motor home, but it gets borrowed by others or just sits, my son was saying he cannot believe his dad hasn't sold it yet, it cost him a small fortune to replace a lot of the wiring because it has sat for so long that the critters had taken up home in the engine and chewed so much stuff up.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, I was going to say that it's also very hard for fire & military. These careers become so much of whom you are and such purpose. Transition to retirement is very hard. Many really struggle with it, even to point of suicide, reason it's so important to have a plan, purpose, etc.
tos: Thanks, Swan. Yes, it's tough to stay on the high road, but it honors God and He will honor us for it. Stalking-that's scary stuff.
Swan: tos - apparently my husband refused to talk about me with her even though she talked about her husband (both the 1st and 2nd) constantly, I guess she was curious. When she showed up down here, my husband put her up in the base hotel just a few blocks from my work office (he had no idea she knew where I worked) and from what I understand she was yakking at the hotel while he was at work and like to use his last name when talking about them, one of the housekeeping staff asked if they were related to me since our last names were the same and it isn't a common last name. Without understanding the information she was giving to the other woman, she told her I worked down the street and the other woman used that to get a look at me, she tried to get information, but my staff wasn't talking and immediately told me about the woman who had been asking about me, I called my husband and gave a description of the woman, he admitted it sounded like her and he would take care of it. They moved out of the base hotel that night, went someplace else, I never tried to find out where, I never wanted to come face to face with her, I have no interest in her at all.
Bluesky: Swan, whoa, you recognized it all. Do you feel like you are a magnet for this stuff? How hard to stay silent on that one.
Swan: Bluesky - I don't know that I am a magnet for it, but that because of my own experience I see it more. Being around Marine's so many years I can usually tell when I can say something and when it is better to keep my mouth shut, especially in situations that I would get in trouble for speaking out. I have heard from my kids, mutual friends and even my husband has said that he is miserable, when I see things like this it makes me wonder what kind of fights my husband and the other woman are having.
Swan: Finding Nemo - the first other woman my husband was with threatened to harm herself if he didn't file for divorce because his not doing it quickly meant that he didn't really love her and since she had already given up so much to be with him, she couldn't live if he didn't love her. It didn't get her a filed divorce quickly but it did get her a diamond ring and a sudden visit from my husband.
Finding Nemo: Swan - I chuckle reading that as it was I who has the new jewelry. He has bought me a chain with three green pendants. Not sure what you call them. One is our daughters' birth month, the other two are his and mine birth month as we share birthdays just days apart.
buttons: Ladies I am chatting with Kitty and she's asking me if anyone in the group has been divorced but still ended up with the husband living with them, as you might remember she and her H were in the house but not in a room together, she filed for divorce to help protect herself and daughter financially as she learned he'd gotten some settlement money and such and they were struggling
Cricket: Buttons - Yes, I believe we had a couple who divorced but stayed living together. In the case I'm thinking of, they remarried. There are people I know that did that here in my community for financial reasons and have a good relationship.
tos: Yes thanks. W has gone to the church leadership to tell them how "bad" I am. I'm trusting God to be my defender and am trying to stand strong when the verbal "fire hose" is turned on me. I realize I cannot follow the logic because there is none to follow. It's just emotions overwhelming her
Cricket: Tos - EXACTLY, there is no logic. A mlcr who returned home to restore his marriage explained that he felt like he was cornered in a cage being poked and prodded and wanting to jump out of his skin. He admitted that he lived in turmoil and in defense, he lashed out blaming others. As I shared, when I once asked my H if he still loved me (early on), he broke down sobbing and said that was the problem, he didn't know.