Brin: Beth, I agree with you. Grieving over someone who is still alive is more difficult than when they die.
Swan: Beth - The rejection that comes with a broken marriage is far worse than if they had died, that is for sure. I think with death, there can be closure but when a marriage ends often the closure is just not offered. My husband began his adultery and all he would say was he changed his mind and didn't want to be married anymore. We communicated a little when we were getting the house ready to sell, but he would shut down if the conversation become personal, we could talk sports, etc. all day and he was good, but if it involved us, our children, grandson, family he would either change the topic or leave. I agree that is it harder when the reason they are not in our lives was abandonment, it hurts being thrown away and with some there is zero contact, I sometimes still find myself asking me and God what I did so bad to deserve being completely cut off and treated like I was an evil person. I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, did things wrong, but I was no way as bad as others we all see in the news, gossip rags, etc. so why…
Pualani: Swan, ah I can see that now. S30 did tell me when he and his GF first moved back to the area, his GF made arrangements for them to meet up with my H. They went to see him during the day and he was drunk. In all my 30 plus years with my H he was NEVER drunk during the day, I was quite shocked when he told me that!
Swan: Pualani - My husband drank occasionally over the years, would go many years without drinking at all, in fact was in a non drinking period when he hooked up with the first other woman (old elementary school mate), then she sent him a bottle of wine so they could share a glass of wine together during their next phone communication. I did see the bottle in the recycle didn't say anything but also saw that it was from a little winery in Branson Missouri. Then I noticed he was buying his own wine, at first a bottle every few days, by the time I knew about the adultery and the second other woman was in the picture, the was going through one to two bottles a day, and yes if he didn't have to be at work, he was drunk by mid day. It allows them to close the blinds of their thoughts. Sadly one day they are going to sober up and not have a clue of all the things they have done and will be left wondering what the heck, how do they undo their actions and can they ever be forgiven. First they have to forgive themselves, and then maybe they will be able to accept forgiveness from others.
Hannah: Swan I know when my h was home, for periods of time, I lived on edge all the time in case I was saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.
Swan: Hannah - Oh the watching every word that comes out of your mouth period, horrible. And even with trying so hard not to say the wrong thing, he would still go off, even when I said the right things, it was wrong. He would needle to find a reason to pick a fight and then it was just one more reason he needed to leave. There were fights when I said nothing, I didn't let him goat me into fighting back and he still came up with a long list of excuses or should I say justifications to support his actions.
Brin: All - Yesterday, he was affectionate, and told me a few times that he misses me, kissed me and even wept about failing in everything. We talked a bit about him making his choices. He said he's working with a pastor from his church, but of course I have no way of validating that.
Cricket: Bin - I'm sorry for everything but try to guard yourself as you know he has been very dishonest and manipulative. I'd also be cautious about him leaving things "to use" that gives him an opening to stay connected. He really has deep emotional issues and you can't trust anything he tells you. He has to be able to be honest about the things he did and really want help and he hasn't done that.
Pualani: Swan, I never heard anything from my S30 or DIL. I have also wondered about my legal rights as a grandparent, but again that may kill any chance of reconciling my relationship with S30 if I go down that route. Mum says he has me over a barrel, knowing he can control whether I have contact with 3 of my grandchildren, or not as well as owing me £ which he knows I need for my car.
Swan: Pualani - Prayer and then if you have a peace about contacting the courts, move forward with much caution. Be up front with the court on all including your current lack of transportation, but that you desire to have communication with the kids.
Little Magpie: Swan- Thanks! I just wish my H would listen to me and read/listen to books or broadcasts that speak to some of his unresolved issues that might help him. He "doesn't do self help", even if it speaks to what is happening. I tried to get him to read Jim Conway's book about Adult children of legal or emotional divorce as his parents d when he was an adolescent
Swan: Little Magpie - Well as many here have discovered the getting them to read/listen to books for this unresolved issues doesn't typically work, they see it more as people trying to control them than help them. Well, if he doesn't do self help, then maybe the counselor could recommend some reading materials for both of you that might help. Jim's book are awesome and so full of helpful information in terms that we regular people can understand, it would be great if he would read it, however, unless he is ready he will resist and the more it comes from you, he will resist more. It is just human nature.
Swan: HopinginHim - I am sorry about the things you are facing with your son, but it is good that your husband is drawing closer for now. Sounds like you are adjusting to the back and forth that they do with a smart outlook, boundaries are a value.
HopinginHim1: Swan - Thank you. I am trying. H has never been "distant" in terms of non communication but there is yet still a very clear "back and forth". Sometimes being in so much communication is hard because I know so much and that makes it hard for me to keep my eyes off of what I determine is "progress" or not. And then I wonder if I am making it all "too easy" for him. However, I often come back to the fact that ultimately the Lord is in control and He will manage this, not me. He is the one that can change hearts, certainly not me. It was nice as my H and S attended church with me as my other two children were baptized. That was something I definitely would not have thought would happen 1 year ago. I attend the same church my H and I have attended for 30 years and our pastor responded poorly when H left and there are many hurt feelings there. So for H to attend was a huge step. I was so blessed by how many people came and greeted my H. I think he was prepared to just duck out, but we were one of the last to leave. God is good.
Brin: I read up a lot about sociopaths yesterday but I don't think he's a full sociopath. So maybe there is hope for him. Either way, he has a lot of work to do and the enemy is controlling him so I just need to keep praying for him and for my own healing. I have a lot to learn as far as being content with being alone with Jesus.
Cricket: Brin- Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing to cause this to happen. He betrayed your trust; he stole from you and was unfaithful. Even if he was unhappy that you didn't help him (MORE) financially, that does not justify his action. A healthy loving man doesn't react by stealing, forging, lying and becoming unfaithful.
Swan: Pualani - I would have to say it is not worth it. My husband told me himself a few years back that he is miserable every moment of every day, he tells friends the same even now. My kids say he is getting old way too fast, he has stomach and heart issues, he and the other woman live in a battle zone and both have said they hate the other. Meanwhile, I have God's peace. My husband and the other woman have more in the way of physical things and I live in a bedroom at my son's house. They drive brand new vehicles every couple years; I am still driving a 14 year old Saturn. But I can honestly say, they may have more and a "better" life, but I have the better situation. I may not have "things" but I have contentment which I am finding to be far more valuable.
Pualani: Swan - AMEN - absolutely! My situation is financially worse than previously, but God provides and you know how I was blessed with a wonderful little bungalow in a stunning area. I guess the OW is ageing due to trying to keep a tight hold on my H's purse strings!
Brin: Swan, cricket - I am trying to remind myself that him abandoning me and our marriage has to do with him and his selfishness and addiction, and nothing to do my worth.
Swan: Brin - Yes, please continue to remind yourself of that, often others will attempt to make their issues the problem/responsibility of others, but the truth is only they can own them. Again, love is a choice and if you husband is choosing not to love you, it is about HIM and not you. You have a lot to offer, you are a kind and caring person, you are worthy of love and it is on him, the choice he is making.
Bluesky: Being cheated on is horrible, I just don't understand why so many won't or can't try to forgive. Now there are serial cheaters of course, that may be hard to forgive, I suppose.
Swan: Bluesky - because it is easier to accuse and write someone off when they fail us than to look at ourselves and what we might do to improve a situation, we want the other person to be at fault and to point our fingers at them, if we can blame them then we can kick the dust off of our heels and move on without guilt. Unfortunately, for those who do that, there will still be guilt and even though they try to walk away, they don't do so cleanly and often take the issues with them, typically because they are part of the issue. I saw an example once, the instructor took a piece of red and a piece of yellow construction paper, glued them together and then went on with the lesson, near the end of the day, she asked one of the students to separate the two sheets of paper. There was yellow paper sticking to the red and red to the yellow. The lesson is that when we intertwine our lives with others, we will always be a part of the other person and they of us. Think about, how many times has someone you knew decades ago and haven't seen in as many years, yet something will happen or you see something and this person who has not been a part of your life for so long will come to thought.