Swan: Beth - I never understood it either, my mother in law was a completely controlling woman, to the point that most of her kids got out of the house as soon as they were old enough to do so without her calling the police on them (she did the first one, but the police told her they were old enough and could move out if they wanted). My husband complained about how his mother treated him and talked about how she did his older brothers and sisters, always saying she forced her kids to abandon them. Heck he joined the Marine Corps to make his escape. And yet, when he got involved with women outside of our marriage, they were controlling women, much like his mother. He always blamed his mother that his dad wasn't really around when the kids were growing up, for many years my father in law worked two jobs and slept when he was home. Even later in life, he worked the midnight to morning shift, did errands as soon as he got home and then went to sleep to be ready for the next night at work. He stayed married to my mother in law until he passed away, but used work to be away from her insanity.
Beth: Swan maybe it is like a young girl growing up in abusive home ends up dating and marrying a man just like her father.
HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly think that S has been trying to deal with his anger at H for a long time. I believe that the argument the other night tipped him over the edge. Now he wants "everything out in the open" and for the charade that H is a "perfect father" and "loving husband" to be recognized as not exactly accurate. He just wants the "pretense" or "hypocrisy" over with.
Dani: HopinginHim1 - Hopefully, if your son and h talk, your son will tell your h that he told his sister. Don't you think your h probably thinks the kids have figured it out? I agree with Cricket. Your son may have done it to take the focus off of himself and although it was painful for you to see, do you really think he did anything wrong? I guess I see it as frustrating and painful, but not wrong. It's reality in the family. I kept as much from the kids and family for as long as possible too, but reality comes out.
Dani: Beth that sounds like a great "girl friend" group. How fun!
Beth: Dani it is a bunch of women who either have their husband left or passed away who celebrate the birthdays. Most of us have kids living away too. The other group is a group formed from our church.
Hannah: Swan/kmkrn he would say when I was young I had to do what my parents told me, my grandparents told me (he lived with them with his mom while his dad was in Air Force in Greenland), he had to do what he was told at school, then two years of college he had to do what his professors told him to do, then he joined the Air Force and they told him what to do so now he was going to do what he wanted to do and didn't want anything to do with marriage or family!
Swan: Hannah - My husband once said that his mother controlled him, the Marine Corps controlled him and he wasn't going to let me control him. I asked him when I had tried to control him, to which his response was, he knew that was coming. Interestingly, the other woman was extremely controlling and when that was pointed out to him by the friend, he got angry at this man.
Dani: Oh, I was going to ask you about that! I know you were anxious to have him take a job. Are you feeling ok about this plan?
Brin: Things are a little better at home after I explained why I have been avoiding him - about his expectations of me to pay his bills. He clarified that he understands my position even though he doesn't like it. I did this over text to avoid a heated discussion about it.
Brin: I guess I am wary about doing anything that gives him the impression that all is well now. And then he goes back to his old ways or expectations. I am lacking trust as you can see.
Dani: Me too!! Maybe he has other book suggestions. There must be new books out there I don't know about. I heard something on Focus on the Family the other day I thought would be really interesting to read. I'll look it up quick. It just seems like you are battling this on your own and SOMEWHERE there needs to be some support for you as you figure out how to maneuver this. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs Book by Emerson Eggerichs
Swan: Hannah - He has been telling people for years that I will never forgive him for everything he did, even when he is told I already have; he just lowers his head and says he doesn't blame me. It is like he just doesn't hear what others say, he is convinced he cannot be forgiven. I believe that until he is able to forgive himself, he will never accept that I or anyone he hurt will be able to forgive him. Even his relationship with the kids is strained and has become more of a birthday/Christmas card relationship, he calls occasionally, but the calls are limited and impersonal. He is a runner and I don't know what it is going to take for him to face his actions and choices and rebuild relationships rather than run from what he has done.
Hannah: Swan it is the forgiveness that is hard for them.
Swan: Dani - No actually I ran into an old friend of my husband's at the base a few weeks back. The kids got a Christmas card from my husband and it was post marked Texas, so I guess it is true. I try not to put the kids in the middle by asking questions about their dad. They usually tell me what I might need to know when it is important. As for their dad being alone again, I don't know they would be quick to tell me, they wouldn't want to get my hopes up. I have no hopes in regards to my husband; after all he isn't calling or coming to see me.
Dani: Swan, I understand and would agree. It is best to keep the kids out of it and I also understand about keeping your expectations in check.
buttons: swan I totally understand the spouse living in the house and it being challenging to be in chat. That was always my challenge in early years. Now I've kind of explained to H a bit about the site and such and come on when he's not in the room or not being present in the same room so that he doesn't feel like I'm ignoring him or what we're doing
Swan: buttons - I agree our spouses don't want to feel we are ignoring them when we are chatting on line, if we try to hide it from them that will only make them think something is going on. And then as in this man's situation, she got really upset with him because she felt he was talking bad about her. He tried to show her, but unfortunately there was a member at that time frame that was doing a little husband bashing and this man's wife didn't like that and assumed he was doing the same in regards to her, so he stopped coming into chat, but he does go to the site, read the chats and any updated information on the site.
Swan: Hannah - No, I used to send him birthday cards every year and for years he would ask the kids to tell me thanks, he appreciated that I remembered. A few years back I sent him an e-card as usual and got the nastiest mean spirited email from him, then he called both of the kids and told them his wife had seen my birthday wish and to tell me to never contact him again, spewing all kinds of nasty things, so out of respect to him, I honor his request and no longer send him a card or attempt to contact him.
Hannah: Swan wow. I use to send my h e cards up to 2 years ago and he did open them but then when I saw him he wouldn't even stay in the same room as me (at my sons) so I just stopped sending them.
Little Magpie: Bill: I know but our nest is nearly empty and we can't talk to each other. Even when we are in the same room or vehicle
Bill: Little Magpie: This tends to be a tough transition for couples. The strain of life and the departure of loved ones who were the focus of life for so many years creates a need for a "re-creation" of the relationship. You and H are more connected than you realize. My guess is the kids were the subject of your lives for so long there is a void now that no one knows how to fill. Pray for wisdom and watch with curiosity. New areas of interest and connection will rise but they are hard to see at first.