Midlife Dimensions

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Halloween 2015

10:36 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - With your son, there is a phase of desperation which we expect to level out but as long as he's still seeming to see some of his truths and moving forward in a more positive way, toward healing, that is huge. Patience is good and also affirming him and being available to listen which I know you do.

10:38 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Yes. I am trying (again) to look with faith. To be there when he needs me and to be a calm, strong and patient resource. I do speak with him at times of my "coach" advise to him, but always leave him to make his own decisions. I battle trying not to be discouraged and nagging when I see him making choices I don't love, but under it all he is learning things. Finding new friends is a process and a scary one at that. So I pray. But there are indeed huge praises!


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October 31, 2015 / Saturday 10-11 am PST/ CR#4

10:01 AM

Cricket

Welcome, wishing everyone a Happy Halloween filled with blessings.

10:01 AM

Cricket

Hi Little Magpie, how was your week?

10:04 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket- Hello, it was stressful. My husband took the day off to celebrate me as I had a birthday this past week. I was thankful for his thoughtfulness but I knew it would make for a disaster as we both are as different as people can be. I had to consult a mutual friend in order to pull the day out and make it a win/win so I could have a Happy Birthday.

10:05 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - How was your week?

10:06 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - I also found out this week that I need a root canal and they were going to start it this past week but I explained having lunches and dinners scheduled and they are going to do it next week.

10:07 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - A belated Happy Birthday! It's surprising that after so many years of marriage you feel such a disconnect with your husband. Especially difficult to feel that having so little in common would have ruined your birthday. Is it that you feel the two of you have grown apart. There must have been things that drew the two of you together.

10:08 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - My week was busy but still good.

10:09 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - Good that you delayed your root canal, this type procedures should be scheduled around your needs too.

10:11 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - I have to say that I have seldom heard of a spouse taking the day off for their spouse's birthday. It really was a thoughtful gesture. There are times when my husband and I planned a getaway or vacation around our birthdays but no one I know took the day off, that really was special.

10:11 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - In the early years he still talked to me and then with ghosts/flashbacks I ended up shutting him out even though I was trying to keep things connected. I have never known what he wants for his birthday or Christmas but he claims he doesn't know either. We went to Starbucks to talk while waiting for our Youngest D to finish her college class and he let me know that he wasn't in the mood to talk so we fb on our devises.

10:13 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - cont. we lived separate, parallel lives for many years. Together but not "One".

10:14 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - If I asked my husband what he wanted, he rarely could tell me. I felt it wasn't that special if I were to tell my husband what I wanted. I found that if I listened and paid attention to things my husband or my friends liked, it was more fun to surprise them and it was more special because they knew I listened. Sadly, I see couples who had been so good together drift apart and lose the ability to communicate until they lost everything that made them "One". Sadly, in time they end up divorced and realize they should have worked on things before it got to that point.

10:15 AM

HopinginHim

Hello everyone!! :)

10:16 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - It takes work to get through the difficult times. I wonder if when you went to Starbucks and your husband said he wasn't in the mood to talk, if he wanted to be asked what was bothering him. Sometimes when they sense we care and are willing to listen, it makes a huge difference.

10:16 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - Hello!

10:16 AM

Cricket

Hi HopinginHim - Happy Saturday/Halloween.

10:16 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - Nice to see you! Do you expect many children to your home for Halloween this evening?

10:17 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - So nice to see you! I finally found that if I completely deleted Firefox and then reloaded it, I was able to access the chat room as per our old procedure, by refreshing etc. Yay!!! :)

10:18 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - I have had to purchase my own birthday or Christmas gift if I was to get one at all. It isn't special that way at all. He tried to in non-commercial ways, he made breakfast, coffee and cuddled before we left to take our d to her college class.

10:18 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - Another thought is that when you both sat there looking at FB, possibly sharing something cute might have opened conversation. I will tell you that I have several friends who drifted apart and ended up divorced and with other people only to realize this wasn't the answer. They later appreciated the history they had with their spouse and regretted not trying harder. I have two men friends who have done that very thing and keep looking back at what they lost, if only.

10:19 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - No, we are one of those families that leave the dog in the yard with the lights off. We live in the back of the property not close to the street and it is sort of secluded. We used to leave a bowl of candy in the driveway with a note.

10:20 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - That's why many of us talk about the book by Gary Chapman - The 5 Love Languages. To be very honest, I would treasure my husband doing those special things like making breakfast/coffee and cuddling more than a gift that can be bought.

10:21 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - GREAT! I've been doing the various updates hoping things would improve. At least now I don't get kicked out anymore. I noticed that some people prefer Internet Explorer for chat but I prefer Firefox overall so would rather work with it. I've missed you so glad you figured it out!

10:21 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - I see. We live on a corner and I have two doors that need managing. We have a ton of little cuties that come to the door and our big Newfoundland dog is in heaven! It's a lot of fun! I always play Christian music in the background and generally quite enjoy seeing the parents with their children. :)

10:22 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Believe me. I am so thrilled as well! To be honest. I have missed you terribly!!!

10:22 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - I do have it and have as a physical book and kindle that I upgraded with Audible and I listened to it on Audible. Mine is QT and Gifts, so I frequently take his Acts of Service for granted. I am thankful of them but I am trying to value them more.

10:23 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I absolutely miss having trick or treaters. I live up a hill and although I have 3 neighbors, once their kids grew up, no one comes this way. I'm heading to friends party which will be fun seeing their kids.

10:24 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - I would love to help you with one of your doors! :) That sounds like a lot of fun! Do you ever dress up as well?

10:24 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - I was even up until 1:20 the other night caring out new white pumpkins. I quite enjoy finding new creative ideas for carving pumpkins. My kids know that I refuse to do ghoulish faces, so this year I used a drill and made "celestial" pumpkins that have flowers and such on them! I am determined to make our Halloween happy! I even talked to my kids about how the lit pumpkin is like us, the mess all cleaned out and with Christ we reflect the light! :)

10:25 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - In this case, you probably should give hints or ask your husband to accompany you to find something you'd like for your birthday. For him, the gifts don't speak love like they do to you so when you know this, you will have to communicate and guide him.

10:26 AM

Little Magpie

All - My husband has a high school/Youth Group friend that is singing with a band tonight at an Irish Pub about an hour away and we might go there.

10:26 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I love your explanation. A friend showed me pumpkins they decorated with paint and such without carving that were really nice and creative. I am not gifted artistically so I admire those who are.

10:27 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - I could use your help!! :) Managing the dog and two doors can be a wee bit hectic at times, but it always works out! My middle son will be here to help me tonight as my husband and daughter are away on a trip and my eldest will be studying. I don't often dress up. I'm not very good at that sort of thing! :)

10:28 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - It sounds like fun thought and it is nice that you have some help in your Middle Son.

10:29 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I'm not terribly creative myself but for some reason I get a kick out of carving pumpkins! This year I am attempting to also do a monogrammed pumpkin. I have already picked a monogram from the computer for our last name and then expanded it with the photocopier. Then I think I will do little pin pricks to outline it on the pumpkin and fill it in with a Black sharpie :)

10:29 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - One of my favorite costumes in the past was a SWAT costume, a little sexy SWAT girl but it was lots of fun wearing a toy gun in a garter with knee-high boots etc. I do enjoy dressing up but not good at decorating.

10:30 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - That sounds very cool. I actually have never carved a pumpkin, I guess because we never had kids. I always enjoy seeing ideas they show on the Today Show and how creative some are.

10:30 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - It is fun. I always put on a fire and have hot apple cider (which helps me not to eat all the chocolate because the cider is sweet enough)! And then it’s usually a quiet night after the kids stop around 8:30 p.m. Then we will enjoy a movie night together if possible! And before that I will put all the chocolate bars in the FREEZER!!!

10:30 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - How are things going with your husband and your son?

10:31 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - Did you ever carve pumpkins as a kid?

10:31 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - That sounds like a nice evening. Little Magpie - No, I don't think we did which surprises me because my Mom was wonderful with family things like decorating eggs for Easter, etc.

10:33 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Hmmm, good question. My S is doing well. I think his anxiety has leveled out. As a result I see him not quite as strong in his determination to move as quickly towards spiritual things as I had, nonetheless I am confident there are positive changes through all of this. Patience need on my part. With husband things are generally good. I think. I am trying hard to remain constant. He currently seems a wee bit "down" but that shows itself in grumpiness.

10:34 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - that sounds AWESOME! :) Cricket- You might want to try it sometime. It can be very interesting when you start pulling the slimy guts out of the pumpkin! Have plenty of newspaper and paper towels! :) I used to carve pumpkins on my birthday every year because it is during the same week. I didn't get any this year, life was way too busy.

10:35 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I am waiting for his reflections to be "internal". He has always struggled with recognizing his own failings. Even my kids joked about it this morning. As my son said "My mistake" was uttered from husband, um "never". That sometimes discourages me, but I continue to seek to look at things with faith filled eyes and not worldly eyes. :)

10:35 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Because my hope is not in my husband it is solely in HIM!!

10:36 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - With your son, there is a phase of desperation which we expect to level out but as long as he's still seeming to see some of his truths and moving forward in a more positive way, toward healing, that is huge. Patience is good and also affirming him and being available to listen which I know you do.

10:38 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Yes. I am trying (again) to look with faith. To be there when he needs me and to be a calm, strong and patient resource. I do speak with him at times of my "coach" advise to him, but always leave him to make his own decisions. I battle trying not to be discouraged and nagging when I see him making choices I don't love, but under it all he is learning things. Finding new friends is a process and a scary one at that. So I pray. But there are indeed huge praises!

10:39 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I think you mean that your son commented that your husband never acknowledges his mistakes. I know that personality type, it is very hard for them to do with their Type A personality but we know they do see their own mistakes, they just don't verbalize them as they don't want to appear weak. Still your son can see that as not healthy and it can help him be able to verbalize his mistakes and know he is human.

10:39 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Also he has had blood work and an ultrasound and we haven't heard anything yet from the doctor, so I am breathing a little easier. I honestly believe that if there was something significantly wrong we would have heard by now. :) And that is a HUGE praise! I would still like confirmation as to what the ultrasound and bloodworm showed but I am feeling some relief.

10:41 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Absolutely. You are bang on. And thank you for the reminder that just because he can't verbalize his mistakes does not mean he doesn't see them himself. :) That helps. And yes, thankfully all my children are good at being able to apologize and seek restoration when they have wronged someone. It was something we taught them from a very early age. How and when they do that they all differ in, but they are do have teachable spirits. For that I am grateful!

10:43 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket and Little Magpie - I may have to sign out a bit early. I have a client whose friend needs me to notarize a document. They are on their way now. My guess is they will be 15 minutes or so...but I will sign out when they arrive.

10:43 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I do think kids at this age need to find their own way. My husband once said that I needed to understand that when I made a suggestion or shared something difficult, he needed time to "go into his cave" and process the info. If I kept trying to push my thoughts (which I did because I didn't feel he understood my point), it just made him more defensive. I really worked on saying it once and then having faith that he would ponder my words and would accept them better if I let him work it through. I believe this is a man thing, we women want to talk it through, but they need time to process it on their own. So I believe your approach with your son is the right one.

10:44 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Yes I agree, when there is bad news, I always get a call very early in the morning. When my phone rings at 7 a.m. from my doctor, I know it's not good news. They may still be trying to find answers which like you, I'd want too but it sounds like the more serious things didn't show up

10:44 AM

Little Magpie

All - My husband never seeks repair or apologizes when he has an anger blows up. HopinginHim - Well, have a Blessed week and evening!

10:45 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Thank you. That really helps too! I am learning over time with my eldest that when I push and create strong boundaries, he will rebel just because of that. He needs to learn things himself. So as much as he may scrape his nose in the meantime, he has a great heart and character that I know will bring him through. I just need to let go and let the Lord look after him.

10:45 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Okay, we'll understand. HEY I was here last night the full hour and no one at all arrived. Not even the two facilitators who were scheduled so I'm happy to have you two ladies here.

10:47 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I am so sorry you were all alone in chat last night. I was dying to get here but a good friend asked me to dinner and a theatre show with her so I went. It was hysterical!!! Thanks for always being so consistent and strong in helping out with chat! I know that I can speak for all of us, we are very very very grateful for you!! :)

10:47 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Yes, I know that personality, both my husband and I were born in April and both Taurus so we always joked about being stubborn. My brother was the same way, if someone pushed, he'd dig in. If we offered some gentle guidance or advice and let him process it, he was more likely to accept it.

10:47 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - If chat were mobile accessible, I would have been here.

10:48 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - NO, I'm very glad you did. I had something I was watching on Netflix with chat open so no problem. Those opportunities to get out with a friend are wonderful. So glad you had a good night.

10:49 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Aww thank you. Little Magpie - I've been frustrated with that too, there were times that if I could have gotten in with my phone, I'd have been here too. I know Lisa has tried to do that too without success.

10:49 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I has been interesting to watch and learn with his personality type. I find that with my husband I have often found him defensive so my response was to just not say anything as I didn't think he would listen. I have to find the balance as to how to say things gently and find my voice and also learning to "zip my lips" when I am fairly certain he knows the concerns I have anyway.

10:50 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I was actually very tired last night. I played golf with friends and walked the course which isn't a long one but it was warm, in the 80's and I hadn't slept well the night before so I enjoyed crashing on the couch and keeping an eye on chat.

10:52 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Well I am glad you were able to be there and also rest at the same time. I would love to learn how to play golf. My sister is an amazing golfer, but the golfing talent was apparently all used up on her. There were no "golfing genes" left over for me!! I love the idea of walking all those beautiful courses. I really should take lessons and learn and persevere. In time I will. My sister learned through years of lessons so I guess I shouldn't expect to pick it up overnight!

10:52 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - that sounds like a nice evening. We attempted to have a "family movie night" it was successful as it was but we started it too late so only watched a portion of the movie before we shut things down and called it a night.

10:53 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - NO, I do think we need to share things that are helpful or important but finding a way to share it as a point of information at times and just letting it go is often more effective. Even with a good friend, I often thought he didn't pick up on my subtle comment but in time I've realized he did pick up on these things. I have to be careful not to repeat it and trust that I planted the seed. (This was a co-worker/supervisor who was a very good friend but I had to find subtle ways to share)

10:54 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - Yes, I was watching an old TV series a friend directed me to and the problem is that it will go to the next episode a few seconds after the first ends and I can easily get so involved that I watch way too late into the evening.

10:56 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I learned by just trial and error and eventually took lessons through the years. I really think it's better to start off learning with a coach so that you don't pick up bad habits. It takes time and I didn't think I'd enjoy it, I used to think golf was boring, now I love it and have been playing for over 30 years.

10:56 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - That is very helpful. Zipping the lips and trusting things to the Lord is hard work. It is always easier to see the faults in others than in ourselves. That whole plank and speck thing!!! So I guess when I am hurt/frustrated I need to take time, process it and pray about it and then raise what I think may be helpful. More about how I feel that about how someone else hurt me. Less finger pointing and more "gently expressing". Does that make sense?

10:57 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - Thank you for sharing about shows going into the next quickly, my d's use my eldest d's boyfriend's Netflix and watch TV and movies (we don't have it), they say they are in an episode that is about to end and then they are into the next.

10:58 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I do think I would really enjoy it over time. A great form of gentle exercise and in beautiful surroundings! What could be better!!! :)

10:58 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - I have a hard time with my mouth too but sometimes I don't say anything but my husband can read my face and know that he said or did something that I found distasteful.

10:59 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Yes and you are right. I have had to learn and continue working on praying first, cooling off and then finding a less emotional way to share something that bothered me. I do think it's how it's said, especially with personality types like our husband's. If we can share it in a more casual way and that we may have taken it wrong, but it bothered us.

10:59 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - How very wise of you to pick up on that. You are absolutely right. "Zipping our lips" is not just about our mouth, but graciously removing our observable "judgment", both verbally and otherwise.

11:00 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Absolutely. I believe I am slowly learning this. But it is a long process!! :)

11:01 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Exactly. I met good friends when I went to the course my husband and I used to play at. I was playing alone and joined this couple and another man. We hit it off and they began inviting me to join them, now a couple years later we are very good friends and play golf together a couple times a week. The one man's wife doesn't play golf and she's thanked me for being his "golf wife". We joke about it and it's been so nice to have these friends to golf with.

11:01 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - there are times that I am not thinking negative, I am just concentrating and thinking about what he is saying but his "perception" is that it was negative. And as we know, people's "perception" is their reality.

11:02 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - That sounds quite lovely! What a blessing to have great friends to share the game with!! That's also what I like about golf, it's social!! :)

11:03 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - it is really nice that you have such a good group of friends to golf with. Sounds like you have a lot of fun together.

11:03 AM

HopinginHim

Little Magpie - Well you are right. You cant's change what your husband thinks about what you are thinking. And over time, as you work to open the lines of communication with each other he will learn to make less errors in "assuming incorrectly" what you are thinking.

11:04 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket and Little Magpie - Must go! Have a blessed Halloween!! Hopefully we will see you both tomorrow night!! And hopefully I won't have eaten way more than my share of chocolate!!! :)

11:04 AM

Little Magpie

HopinginHim - I hope so! :)

11:04 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - You are so right in that they see our body language. BUT, from what you've shared, you both have fallen into a pattern of not talking about things at all and as you said, you two now are living separate lives. How sad that your husband took you to Starbucks for your birthday but then didn't feel like talking so you both sat there looking at face book. Finding a balance, learning to share things that hurt but when you are not emotional so you can calmly share your feelings is important too. I'd start by making a list of the things that you appreciate in your husband, posting it somewhere as a reminder. Remember that he's stood with you through very difficult times and now is your opportunity to help him repair your marriage.

11:09 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - My husband and I went to Starbucks to hang out while we waited for our d. But yes, it is a shame. My husband shuts down because he says I react and I know that sometimes I do try to defend myself and I know I need to stop being a defender of myself and learn how to change. I have been trying to become "one" and it is hard after over 20 years of being parallel.

11:12 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - It true, just like HopinginHim said about being afraid to share things with her son, that when we get defensive, people don't want to share. Often it's not meant to be critical but something they feel so when we get defensive, they shut down. Learning to listen and thank them for sharing can be huge in opening doors. As you've shared, in the earlier years, your pain from the past made it difficult for you to be open for your husband. Now is the time to learn to listen more and know that by hearing their views, you can start to become "one". There has to be communication and trust or we all die.

11:14 AM

Cricket

Little Magpie - Of course I mean the relationship dies when there is no communication or trust.

11:15 AM

Cricket

It's late and chat will close soon. Have a good weekend and again, a belated Happy Birthday.

11:15 AM

Little Magpie

Cricket - I understood. Well, I need to go. According to my clock we have gone over. Have a blessed week and I may see you tomorrow. Thank you!

 

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10:36 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - With your son, there is a phase of desperation which we expect to level out but as long as he's still seeming to see some of his truths and moving forward in a more positive way, toward healing, that is huge. Patience is good and also affirming him and being available to listen which I know you do.

10:38 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Yes. I am trying (again) to look with faith. To be there when he needs me and to be a calm, strong and patient resource. I do speak with him at times of my "coach" advise to him, but always leave him to make his own decisions. I battle trying not to be discouraged and nagging when I see him making choices I don't love, but under it all he is learning things. Finding new friends is a process and a scary one at that. So I pray. But there are indeed huge praises!

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I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
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