Midlife Dimensions

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July 04, 2015

11:17 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I know there is a reason all of that happened and even where the enemy was involved, the Lord can use all of that for His good. When my husband was reconnecting, I felt the spiritual battle happening. My water heater broke and flooded my garage but a friend offered to help and the water heater was under warranty. I was having guests and my kitchen faucet broke but another friend helped repair it before guests arrived. My car had a flat tire but it was a nail and they repaired it. All of this happened in one week and I began looking up and thanking the Lord. Even when something caused my back to develop a rash and become bruised from my scratching, I went to the doctor and my husband was there and came up and hugged me. It was so obvious that the enemy was trying to discourage me and the Lord was lifting me up.

11:19 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - That is a beautiful example of exactly the warfare that is going on and how the Lord can carry us through it. Often He doesn't lift us out of it, but is there every step of the way through it. And sometimes when I feel my grip slipping, I remember that the Lord has a much stronger hold on me and He won't let go.

 


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July 04, 2015

10:01 AM

Cricket

Happy 4th of July all.

10:17 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Good Morning! Happy July 4th. :)

10:17 AM

Cricket

Good morning. I was just replying to your email.

10:18 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Oh thanks :) husband is definitely off. He has texted a bit the last hour. Doesn't respond to some questions at all, but oh well. Keeping my eyes up and not around. :)

10:20 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - As I shared in the email, this was definitely not your fault and typical midlife crisis behavior. He could have told you right away when you were texting and sending pix. Especially with him gone and working, how could you know? These mlcrs who go absent and then suddenly pop up and are surprised have to face reality. It really sounded like an excuse to be upset.

10:20 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - It was interesting. He sent me a video of a patient he saw yesterday. The results of polio. It was heartbreaking. I'm not sure they can help but scary when there are several I know that do not immunize their children.

10:22 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I agree. I think searching for a way to slightly relieve some guilt. It's ok. I just kept it light enough but acknowledged his feelings and then moved on! I guess this is the "zipping the lips" part. Right? :)

10:22 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - That is sad. It may also have contributed to some of his emotions. YES, zipping the lips and as we used to say, avoid getting pulled onto your husband's rollercoaster (emotionally).

10:25 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Thanks. I am sure that he saw lots of horrific cases yesterday but I think the reason for a lot of what is going on is midlife cri related. So as you have suggested, I won't focus on the current, just let it go and hold on to the general progress and pray when I feel anxious. I told a friend this am who is struggling with anxiousness that it is very helpful to write down praises in the past where we see God's hand and then thank Him for those when anxious. It keeps Satan at bay.

10:26 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Just a moment - be right back - Phone call

10:27 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - No problem at all! I'm getting some coffee! :)

10:35 AM

Cricket

I'm back. My Chief called about some coordination for today's events.

10:37 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - It's good that you responded in a sympathetic way but good to keep in mind that mlcrs particularly do not handle stress such as what he's dealing with well. Most run from stress and responsibility so when they have to deal with it, it also increases their frustration and emotions that get vented at those closest to them, usually us.

10:38 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Oh terrific! I've always loved parades! I have never been in one but always wanted to be. I even joined a German folk dancing group that often performed in our local parade. Except the two years I was with the group they didn't perform! Haha! Served me right! I enjoyed the dancing anyway! The beer slurping all over me at Oktoberfest I could have done without though!! :)

10:39 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - You are so right about the benefits of journaling and reflecting on the positives/praises. This is something that can really wear us down; we can get so focused on the bumps in the road along the way and miss the beauty.

10:40 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - That would have been fun doing with a German folk dance group and doesn't it figure that the year you joined, they didn't do the parade. LOL

10:41 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - I agree. I can't in any way prevent what happened and totally see this as projection from a place of guilt. So I accept it as such and move on. He will get over it and this is just all part of the process. But ugh, some days to take a 2x4 and go "seriously". But instead, I choose to look at the pain and the confusion and accept it as such but not let it affect me, because this really isn't about anything relating to actions on my part.

10:41 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Through my career, I often worked the parade in uniform which isn't that much fun. Since retiring, I've been invited to be in it in different ways. The past few years, riding in an antique patrol car with our Chief.

10:42 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Yep. I actually laughed. God has a great sense of humor! Clearly, I was meant to be in a parade! :) I had a lot of fun though and met some great people (and walked away with a beautiful German dirndl that I pull out every once in a while for Halloween!)

10:42 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Actually they tend to get over it and even forget it very quickly after dumping all their stuff on us. They dump and feel all better while we carry the pain for days.

10:43 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Now that sounds like a blast. I think you get along quite well with the Chief (as I recall) which is nice too. I noticed that Brian posted his change of locations in terms of his career. I really feel for him. So why the change in uniform. It is similar to the City Police here verses the outer area police?

10:44 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - There is actually a little neighborhood parade on the morning of the 4th. I didn't get any notice about the time but as I was getting ready this morning, I worried the little parade started at 10 a.m. - same time as chat. Of course it did. I had said I'd be in chat every Saturday unless I let swan know so I knew I couldn't be there. I sent a text to our Chief and he called to let me know I'd missed it but it was much smaller and less interest than in past years.

10:44 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - How are you? So nice to see you! Happy 4th of July! Any plans for today? Cricket is going to be in a parade and sadly I am still in my pajamas!! :) Relaxing is on my agenda for today!

10:45 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I have never missed it in the past years since it started so I sent my apologies but the Chief said I really didn't miss much. They even asked that they keep the sirens down (from the police & fire vehicles) as they are too loud! Anyway...

10:45 AM

Cricket

dumbounded2 - Good morning.

10:45 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Oh dear! That's too bad! I'm sorry you missed the parade. If that happens again, don’t hesitate to let me know. I would have been glad to cover for you. Although I don't know how to open chat.

10:46 AM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Good morning. Happy 4th of July, so glad to be an American.

10:46 AM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Just catching up on your thread, all typical expected midlife crisis behavior.

10:46 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Seriously? Oh that's unfortunate! The sirens and all of the music and everything is what makes a parade SO MUCH FUN. Personally I love bagpipes as well!!

10:47 AM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I was thinking and reading over the emails last night and I have a question. Do the stories of reconciliation all have a similar thread of true remorse in involved and if so, what specific stories can you share, just wondering if it will look anything like what one would expect from someone who hurts those they love

10:47 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I couldn't get to sleep last night and didn't really get to sleep until after 4 a.m. so I tried to sleep in some. I was ready but if I had to miss one, sounds like this one was okay. I will be in the big parade this afternoon and then at the park for our fireworks celebration which includes a band and lots of food booths and things for kids. It will be a long day/night.

10:48 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - Thanks. I appreciate that. I am learning not to let these bumps concern me. As we experience more and more of them, we realize that it doesn't likely mean that a huge change in direction is taking place. We are just on a road that is progressing but has bumps and cracks in it along the way. Sigh.

10:48 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Well, as you said, if you had to miss one then I'm glad it was one that wasn't a huge impact. Sounds like you have a very busy day!! You won't have trouble sleeping tonight.

10:49 AM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim, Cricket - We are experiencing frequent thunderstorms today, so it is a wait and see if we make the local fireworks event on the river tonight.

10:50 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - Not sure what you are asking. If you are asking if the mlcr shows real remorse, I think we can see their pain and guilt as they are reconnecting but most all of those restored have shared that their husband didn't express remorse or apologize when they first returned. Through time being home, their actions showed their remorse but it's not that they come home and say I'm so sorry for all I did or hurt.

10:50 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - Really? I love fireworks. I hope it clears up for you? Does your S quite enjoy them too? I always take the kids to at least one set of fireworks in the summer. It's always a ton of fun!! :)

10:52 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - I was with kmkrn and her husband in New Orleans at the Jazz Fest. Even she shared that her husband does things now that are very considerate and she sees things that or he shows his appreciation to her that she didn't give up in his actions. But most I talk to have shared that they do not come home and open up or express an apology.

10:53 AM

dumbfounded2

Cricket- Your answer is what I am looking for. I didn’t imagine their heart would turn and they would come begging for forgiveness and show deep emotion. I thought it would be more like a trickle effect in bit by bit, sure takes a strong woman to wait for that type of lukewarm return, but hopefully well worth the commitment

10:53 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Yes our Chief said it was sad that there was much less involvement than in past years and said the same thing. Two other Council Members were there but even the one who lives in that neighborhood hadn't shown and his wife said to start without him.

10:53 AM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - We do enjoy the fireworks, but the heat and humidity here sometimes rule the decision to go to see them.

10:54 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Indeed that is sad. Maybe it is just an off year for some reason.

10:55 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - Yes exactly, it is a trickle affect that as they get more and more comfortable and secure, they open up more and more. It's more that you feel their appreciation and sadness for the past but it's a gradual thing. I also think they block a lot of what has happened, as you can see, their memory is terrible and probably self preservation kicks in to push some things out.

10:55 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - Ah yes. Heat and humidity can be problematic for sure! I wish I could help with your questions about reconciliation; however, I have NO experience there!! But I am reading Cricket's responses with interest :)

10:56 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I hope so, it's something I've participated in for the past 15 yrs. A small neighborhood parade with some opening their homes afterward for the officers and officials/neighbors to enjoy a little brunch.

10:57 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Wow! That is so lovely! Sounds like a wonderful community! I laughed the other day. I often take the kids to Starbucks on a Thursday after school. Twice within one week as we pulled up we parked beside a Tactical Response Unit. I have always endeavored to buy them a coffee when I see a police officer, as a way of saying thanks. They chuckled when they arrived the second time (same two officers) and teased they were following me for their coffee!! :)

10:59 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - In fact once asked what I was drinking as it looked great. I told him a Skinny Iced Macchiato. He said "I can't order that, people would laugh at me". I responded and said "Sir, dressed like that you could order whatever you want, no one is going to laugh. Believe me!" He just giggled. I doubt when you are covered in tactical equipment that anyone would dare laugh! Nice guys!!

11:00 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - When my husband was connecting with me for the year he did, the other woman was still finding ways to interfere. Initially she confronted my husband & I and two friends at the golf course club house where we were enjoying a drink after playing golf. They'd separated and he'd filed for divorce from her. She actually tried to call me outside asking what was going on, I told her she was not my issue. She pointed at my husband first with a "What are you doing!" I want to talk and he refused then she pointed to me and then my husband's best friend who also refused to talk to her. My husband did go outside finally and ended up leaving to meet her at his home to talk. He pulled away after that blow up for a couple weeks and saw her again then broke up again & reconnected with me after several days. A few more times she did things to pull him back until he did step away from me. She couldn't stand the idea that he went back to me and said she never broke up our marriage and his returning made her look like a home wrecker.

11:03 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - When my husband was reconnecting, he did share things like, if he could have counseled with Jim Conway, he'd never have left. He called the other woman his midlife crisis mistake or his $100,000 mistake. He also said that our counselor led him to file for divorce, that absolutely was not true but that's how he remembered it. She suggested several things like to separate and take some time but do not make any permanent decisions. Still my sort of blamed our counselor and said if he could have counseled with Dr. Phil or Jim Conway (who's book he read), we'd never have split. Memories are really slanted

11:05 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Thanks for sharing that story. It does give a glimpse into the tactics that some will pull to keep a hold of our spouses and the emotional mess the other woman are as well. Good for you for riding that out so calmly. Really there is nothing we can change about all of this. They will work this through in the Lord's time.

11:08 AM

Cricket

My counselor was a strong Christian and former pastor. We were friends through work and she'd helped my husband with PTSD. The last thing she wanted was for my husband to file for divorce so for him to now think she led him that way was unbelievable but they hear/remember what they want. When he was reconnecting, at times he talked about being a mess and when he backed away, he said he needed time to find out who he is. However, he did reconnect with the other woman for a couple weeks before ending it for good. The other woman was able to briefly access chat archives during a change in our website system. I had shared how my husband came to my home and had a talk about backing away. The other woman used some facts that I shared her and then twisted them to say I was badmouthing my husband to former co-workers and in the community. That of course was not true and infuriated him to where he shut me out completely. She & he broke up for good but she made sure to do all she could to be sure he wouldn't return. Changes have been made to help prevent another woman from doing this now.

11:09 AM

Cricket

NOT facts I shared HERE

11:12 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - Thank you for sharing that. It is always a good lesson to learn and I'm sorry that we have learned from what has come as an expense to you.

11:13 AM

Cricket

In my case, the other woman had a long history of pursuing married men. She'd even had a child from an affair with a married man. My husband had become Chief of Police so in the lime light which was typical of those she pursued. My husband hadn't really dated before we got together so he wasn't wise to how manipulative a woman can be and she was very good at that. She found ways to make him feel like her white knight so he'd run to protect her and although later he described her as like Jekyll & Hyde and told me stories of some wild things she did, I was always surprised that he didn't see through her lies and how she was using him more quickly.

11:16 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - As you mentioned, while our spouses are in this mess they are clearly not thinking and processing clearly. There is nothing we can do about it but we see the traumatic results of it all. As Jim has said, most come through it. Some take longer than the average 2-7 years and some shorter. However, usually at some point they come to realize their mistakes. In the meantime, as you have so well exemplified, we take care of ourselves, focus on the long term and fortify our faith.

11:17 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I know there is a reason all of that happened and even where the enemy was involved, the Lord can use all of that for His good. When my husband was reconnecting, I felt the spiritual battle happening. My water heater broke and flooded my garage but a friend offered to help and the water heater was under warranty. I was having guests and my kitchen faucet broke but another friend helped repair it before guests arrived. My car had a flat tire but it was a nail and they repaired it. All of this happened in one week and I began looking up and thanking the Lord. Even when something caused my back to develop a rash and become bruised from my scratching, I went to the doctor and my husband was there and came up and hugged me. It was so obvious that the enemy was trying to discourage me and the Lord was lifting me up.

11:17 AM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Thank you so much for the insight

11:19 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - That is a beautiful example of exactly the warfare that is going on and how the Lord can carry us through it. Often He doesn't lift us out of it, but is there every step of the way through it. And sometimes when I feel my grip slipping, I remember that the Lord has a much stronger hold on me and He won't let go.

11:19 AM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Your back rash reminded me of one time, I had a busted blood vessel in my eye and husband dropped by to bring me something (can't remember what ) and he said what is wrong with your eye and I said, stress you and he looked so sad and I said I am just kidding, not sure why it did that but I am fine, but I could see how he felt the impact immediately and I was joking in a half hearted way and stress was a culprit, so there you go

11:19 AM

Cricket

As I shared, I attended a monthly retiree breakfast Wednesday morning, my husband usually doesn't attend. This time he did and he and the 2nd other woman was there when I walked into the small room where our reserved table was. I sat down, one chair over from the other woman and it was just the 3 of us Wednesday. I was able to make conversation and things went well, thankfully I was dressed well and felt confident with how things went.

11:19 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2, Cricket - Thanks. I think your message @19 was for Cricket :)

11:20 AM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - HopinginHim - Funny, I read it and didn't realize it was addressed to HopinginHim - But yes, funny how the Lord uses these things to kindle our husband's concern

11:21 AM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Yes Sorry

11:21 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Exactly as far as the warfare. I have witnessed/felt it several times in these battles.

11:22 AM

Cricket

ALL - Chat will close shortly so in case it does, have a wonderful weekend.

11:22 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - Happy belated Canada Day to you.

11:22 AM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - My FIL said my husband sounded so low yesterday, all typical as that is how he sounds when he is tired and nearing exhaustion. I tried to explain to FIL that he is OK, but just having to heal and we should continue to pray.

11:23 AM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - I will be praying for you as you work your way through some of your thoughts. May the Lord bring you peace and comfort and insight as to the battle going on. He is victorious though!! xo

 

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11:17 AM

Cricket

HopinginHim - I know there is a reason all of that happened and even where the enemy was involved, the Lord can use all of that for His good. When my husband was reconnecting, I felt the spiritual battle happening. My water heater broke and flooded my garage but a friend offered to help and the water heater was under warranty. I was having guests and my kitchen faucet broke but another friend helped repair it before guests arrived. My car had a flat tire but it was a nail and they repaired it. All of this happened in one week and I began looking up and thanking the Lord. Even when something caused my back to develop a rash and become bruised from my scratching, I went to the doctor and my husband was there and came up and hugged me. It was so obvious that the enemy was trying to discourage me and the Lord was lifting me up.

11:19 AM

HopinginHim

Cricket - That is a beautiful example of exactly the warfare that is going on and how the Lord can carry us through it. Often He doesn't lift us out of it, but is there every step of the way through it. And sometimes when I feel my grip slipping, I remember that the Lord has a much stronger hold on me and He won't let go.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud