Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

New Year's Day 2015

6:39 PM

Hopeful1

david alan - touché, I guess what I mean is, is it likely (not just possible) that I might have sort of turned a corner into a better stage of my grief in my own journey and that I might be able to not worry so much about those horrible first days repeating (emotions wise). I guess I'm just afraid that the feeling of hope and new beginnings that I have today will be replaced by terrible sadness again tomorrow.

6:42 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: You have grown. You know what to expect (to a point) and as a result, it will probably be easier for you to adjust for the continuing highs and lows that are bound to come your way.

 


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January 01, 2015 / Thursday 6-7 pm PST / Special Chat - New Year's Day

6:03 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - Happy New Year

6:03 PM

Hopeful1

Happy New Year finding nemo. Did you have a nice holiday?

6:03 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - It was up and down. But overall, the good moments made it all worthwhile.

6:04 PM

swan

Hello everyone, welcome to our special New Year's Day chat

6:04 PM

Hopeful1

I know the feeling. I will say that I am so glad to get 2014 behind me for sure!

6:05 PM

david alan

Hi folks.

6:05 PM

swan

Hey David Alan - You have got the cutest grandbabies, well other than mine!

6:05 PM

Hopeful1

Hi David and swan! Happy New Year!

6:05 PM

david alan

LOL. Thanks!

6:06 PM

david alan

Happy New Year to you too!

6:06 PM

david alan

Was the room busy yesterday?

6:06 PM

david alan

Sorry I wasn't able to make it.

6:07 PM

Hopeful1

ALL: I spent the day building IKEA organizers and organizing all the kids’ toys. Man, what a bunch of stuff they have! Have 5 bags of stuff to donate! So glad to be sitting down for a few minutes and chatting with all of you who has been such amazing support to me.

6:07 PM

swan

david alan - not too much, there were half a dozen people in

6:07 PM

david alan

Well, perhaps they were out celebrating the new year.

6:08 PM

david alan

We have been taking down Christmas decorations all day.

6:08 PM

david alan

Amazing how much we put up each year.

6:08 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - my son and grandson are down in SD at the auto show, so my DIL is enjoying the day curled up on the sofa finally getting to finish a book she started awhile back.

6:09 PM

finding nemo

Swan - Reading is how I spent my day, too. In between naps. LOL.

6:10 PM

Hopeful1

david alan I've got to tackle that soon. Maybe next weekend. Going to Disneyland (adults only trip) on Sunday so no time. Thankful for a fake tree that I *could* leave up until July if I wanted, LOL! swan I'm, hoping to have a few minutes to read myself tonight. It feeds me so well.

6:10 PM

david alan

Nice thing about this time of year - off work until Monday. Been just relaxing and enjoying the down time.

6:11 PM

swan

finding nemo - my poor daughter in law stays so busy and is family time is also important, so she doesn't get much time to herself, but today the coffee shop is closed and the boys are gone and I entertain myself, so she has finally gotten a day of pampering herself and reading

6:11 PM

david alan

Disney Land, huh? Sounds fun.

6:11 PM

david alan

Hi Bluesky

6:12 PM

Bluesky3

david alan hi, it’s been a very long time. Happy New Year to you and all.

6:12 PM

david alan

At some point I am going to have to work off these holiday meals - LOL.

6:12 PM

Hopeful1

david alan yes! it's entirely different without my 8, 5 and 3 year olds. People watching, eating yummy snacks, riding adult rides (no dumbo!) Happy New Year Bluesky

6:12 PM

david alan

You too Blue. :-)

6:12 PM

Bluesky3

Hopeful1 didn't you just go to Disneyland?

6:12 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - I have done Disneyland with kids, with adults, and both are fun.

6:13 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - This year was the first time ever in my life having a fake tree. It is kind of odd feeling for me to not have to worry about hurrying to get it to the recycle center. Hopefully next year we will have our SUV back on the road so we can get back to having real trees again.

6:13 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - funny you mention Dumbo, that was my husband's favorite ride, we would go on it even without the kids

6:13 PM

david alan

We took all our grown children and their spouses to Disney World a couple of years back. It was a blast.

6:13 PM

Bluesky3

all, I guess I am odd man out, I don't Disney.

6:14 PM

Bluesky3

I don't like Disney, sorry.

6:14 PM

david alan

So, how has everyone been? It has been too long since I've been able to drop in.

6:15 PM

Hopeful1

Bluesky3 yes, I did with MIL and the kids. This is with BIL and SIL and no kids! Time away! finding nemo husband fought me on getting a fake tree for years but I finally bought a really nice one 1/2 the day after Christmas since our real ones were costing us $100 a year and now we are finally ahead of the game, financially. It looks really nice and no bald spots, LOL! swan Too funny about dumbo, I like it ok, with the kids.

6:15 PM

swan

I was looking at old chats she was in and she mentioned her break down in 2011, her last visit, but didn't say it was anything from the site, it was her husband, she found out about the other woman in 2009.

6:15 PM

Bluesky3

david alan I am good, but sad. Had to send my daughter off today. Back to work for her.

6:16 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - It is one of those, I am tired and need a rest, but don't really want to just sit on a bench type things, there is rarely a line and it last long enough for me to get my second wind

6:16 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - I am hoping this New Year brings us some sort of better financial stability.

6:17 PM

finding nemo

Swan - I love the Carousel. Any Carousel for that matter.

6:17 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: Things have been rough in this economy for some time now. I also hope it turns around for you.

6:17 PM

Bluesky3

Swan, I read in the archives that you aren't working in the coffee shop anymore. Sorry to hear.

6:17 PM

Hopeful1

swan aah, I get that. I actually love finding a place to sit, eat a caramel apple or ice cream and people watch at Disneyland. I've never done it "single" (separated I guess is the better word) so I'm hoping to still enjoy it even though it's filled with happy families and couples.

6:18 PM

swan

david alan - I am good, looking for another job these days, my DIL's coffee shop numbers were down, they needed to let someone go and since the other employees are college kids, I volunteered. But I need something else to do, plus the income so I can contribute more around the house.

6:18 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - I love to people watch, too. People are such complex creatures.

6:18 PM

Hopeful1

finding nemo Yes! I'm praying for that too. I rely solely on husband's income (I'm a homemaker) and so far he's been great but I contacted him about support for this month and he is radio silent. Scary.

6:18 PM

swan

Bluesky3 - Business just isn't there right now.

6:19 PM

david alan

Swan - do you share a home with your son?

6:19 PM

swan

david alan - Not sure how long it has been since you were in, but I live in California again, actually with my son, DIL and teenage grandson.

6:19 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - I work and make enough to support daughter and me for the most part. My husband has always taken care of everything else. But now he has been laid off for the past two months and what savings we had is nearly gone. He lives in an apartment on his own. I don't know what's going to happen if things stay this way.

6:20 PM

david alan

Hopeful1 : Radio silent. That's a phrase I haven't heard before.

6:20 PM

david alan

swan Too long. I guess I didn't know that.

6:22 PM

david alan

finding nemo: Perhaps the situation will work in your favor. Sometimes difficult circumstances can do that.

6:22 PM

Bluesky3

david alan how if life for you?

6:22 PM

Hopeful1

david alan LOL! I just doubted myself and looked it up and I can only find a definition on "urban dictionary" so apparently I am still young and hip. We were laughing about that at a New Year’s party I went to last night because I knew all the gossip about the boy bands. I kept saying "why does my husband need a 21 year old? Apparently I already act like one!" LOL!

6:23 PM

Bluesky3

swan that was a very kind thing for you to do.

6:23 PM

swan

david alan - I moved back here a while back, I am enjoying being around my grandson again. My mother passed and she was part of why I was in Missouri, plus I am able to help out with things like transportation, supervision, etc. of my grandson since both parents work a good distance from the house. Hey we had snow down here, it is still on the ground about an hour north.

6:24 PM

david alan

Bluesky3: I have been entirely too busy. 3rd grandchild will be here in August. And the company is forcing me to relocate to AL by May. I will be there for at least 2 years while the wife manages the home front here.

6:24 PM

swan

Bluesky3 - Well, it would affect me the least and my DIL was struggling so much with the choice of whom and I just hated to see her in so much turmoil.

6:24 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: LOL

6:25 PM

finding nemo

Swan - We have had snow on the ground since Christmas eve. It's nearly a foot deep. You are welcome to as much of it as you would like. I was wondering why I was so tired yesterday. I woke up with a cold this morning. BLEH!

6:25 PM

Bluesky3

david alan oh that is going to be rough with leaving family and grandbabies behind. I am sorry you have to do that.

6:25 PM

david alan

swan: That's funny. I live way north of you and we haven't had any snow yet this year.

6:26 PM

swan

finding nemo - I live in So California, snow isn't something we see, in fact I think it has been well over 10 or 12 years, last time it melted by afternoon. This time we are staying cold enough.

6:26 PM

david alan

Bluesky3: Well, I had an option. Take a mandatory layoff, retire or change jobs. None of them were good options.

6:27 PM

finding nemo

Swan - they said 35 degrees in Pasadena this morning. I thought WOW! That's a number my family hasn't seen in years.

6:27 PM

Bluesky3

david alan ahhhh, I see. That's hard.

6:27 PM

Hopeful1

david alan I'm sorry to hear that. I understand where you're coming from though.

6:27 PM

david alan

swan: I'm sure you are loving being with your grandson. Sorry to hear about your mom.

6:28 PM

swan

david alan - Hey I am familiar with deployments and they are hard but workable. Plan trips to see each other, get the unlimited minutes for the phones, email and Skype are good to stay connected too.

6:28 PM

swan

finding nemo - I am just about an hour and a half south of there.

6:28 PM

david alan

I have been breaking my back - and my budget - to get all the maintenance caught up on the house before I leave so my wife doesn't have to deal with it.

6:29 PM

swan

david alan - You been to the south before? If not, it is going to be a culture adjustment!

6:29 PM

david alan

swan: My children are already pestering me about how many vacation days I get each year and when I will be able to come home to see the grandkids. LOL. I will miss them a bunch.

6:30 PM

Hopeful1

david alan been walking between computer and stove, did I miss when you leave?

6:30 PM

david alan

swan: I spent a little time in AL for work before, nothing this long though. I also spent a summer in NC and TN.

6:30 PM

swan

david alan - North west, North east, South west, South east or central AL?

6:31 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: I have to find a place to live back there between now and May. My report date is May 1.

6:31 PM

david alan

swan: Huntsville, just outside of Redstone Arsenal

6:32 PM

Hopeful1

david alan NC (Charlotte area) is somewhere I'd love to visit. It is a place husband and I considered moving to have him in east but still not so urban.

6:32 PM

david alan

Hi buttons. Welcome!

6:32 PM

Bluesky3

david alan my late uncle used to travel there for work.

6:32 PM

finding nemo

buttons2 - Hey!

6:32 PM

Hopeful1

Happy New Year Buttons2!

6:32 PM

buttons2

david alan hey there stranger, nice to see you. Happy New Year

6:32 PM

buttons2

hi finding nemo and hopeful1 Happy New year

6:32 PM

buttons2

happy new year swan

6:33 PM

swan

david alan - At least you are familiar with what is there

6:33 PM

Bluesky3

buttons2 hiya, how are you?

6:33 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: I will be making trips to Charleston NC while I am back there. We have a lot of new production facilities there now.

6:33 PM

buttons2

hey bluesky3 happy new year

6:33 PM

swan

buttons2 - Hey Happy New Year

6:33 PM

Bluesky3

buttons2 and back at you.

6:33 PM

buttons2

bluesky3 feeling somewhat better however am feeling very DONE with things and just wanting a long break!

6:33 PM

david alan

buttons2: Nice to see you too!

6:34 PM

Bluesky3

buttons2 I bet. I had my daughter home for just over a week and put her on a plane a while ago. Miss her already.

6:34 PM

david alan

buttons2: A long break can help a lot.

6:34 PM

buttons2

bluesky3 the neighbor asked how I was enjoying the holiday and I said, what holiday, really even though I've been lazy, sort of, it bothers me all the things I NEEDED to do and didn't and that some things I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd wanted.

6:35 PM

buttons2

david alan Oh yeah, definitely and with the strike that started before summer break and didn't end until 2 weeks into the new year I just did not feel like even the summer was a break

6:35 PM

david alan

I spent way too much effort putting up lights around the house. Maybe I will take a pic and post on the Facebook page so everyone can see what I mean. LOL!

6:36 PM

Bluesky3

buttons2 you know, I have a ton to do, and I do it when I can. Try not to stress. It will get done when needed.

6:36 PM

finding nemo

buttons2 - Sometimes you just need to be lazy. I took two weeks off from work recently and spent so much time cleaning and doing the things I needed to catch up on. I was so tired I was happy to be back at work. My second week of vacation I slept a lot.

6:36 PM

Bluesky3

buttons2 remember, you can't do it all.

6:36 PM

Hopeful1

ALL: I feel such a sense of relief now that the holidays are behind me. This is my first holiday season post MLCer breakup. Is this just normal or do you think I was dreading them so much (being without husband for the first time in 23 years) that I have a false sense of "things are going to be better" now just because of that? Just wondering what's normal for those that have BTDT, I just feel like a weight is off of me.

6:36 PM

buttons2

ALL be right back

6:37 PM

david alan

Is there a "normal"?

6:37 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - Oh yeah, the holidays can add to the stress of midlife crisis and that to the stress of holidays, so it is very common to be relieved when they are over.

6:38 PM

Bluesky3

Hopeful1 I so relate, and I am in my 8th year of holidays.

6:38 PM

finding nemo

hopeful1 - I think every year brings its own set of stresses.

6:39 PM

david alan

I imagine it is different for everyone, each unique circumstance driving different feelings and reactions.

6:39 PM

david alan

Heck, wife and I are together and it was STILL very stressful!

6:39 PM

Hopeful1

david alan - touché, I guess what I mean is, is it likely (not just possible) that I might have sort of turned a corner into a better stage of my grief in my own journey and that I might be able to not worry so much about those horrible first days repeating (emotions wise). I guess I'm just afraid that the feeling of hope and new beginnings that I have today will be replaced by terrible sadness again tomorrow.

6:40 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: I think that's a reasonable assumption. Time changes us.

6:40 PM

swan

david alan - actually the holidays were more stressful for me when my husband was home, now not so much anymore.

6:40 PM

david alan

swan: LOL

6:42 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: You have grown. You know what to expect (to a point) and as a result, it will probably be easier for you to adjust for the continuing highs and lows that are bound to come your way.

6:43 PM

david alan

It seems that with time, the rollercoaster ride smoothes out a bit - not such drastic shifts in direction.

6:43 PM

Hopeful1

david alan yes! and now I am just trying to stick to the promise that I made myself not to look for anything about husband and other woman (no new FB profile pics, travel plans, etc). Every time I "snoop" I only hurt ME but it's just so tempting. It's so strange to have the man I've loved for 23 years be a stranger to me.

6:44 PM

swan

david alan - My husband always had an image of the holidays and to be honest no matter how we tried, no one ever lived up to them, something would always happen, especially when we did the family visits. Now, there are not really any expectations and less stress. From what I am told, he is still having unmet expectations and his holidays are stressful

6:45 PM

Bluesky3

good night all.

6:45 PM

david alan

swan: not uncommon. But at least you are now able to enjoy a peaceful holiday season with your loved ones. That's a GOOD thing! :-)

6:45 PM

david alan

Bye Blue.

6:45 PM

finding nemo

Swan - My husband used to love the holidays. As his family has stopped talking to one another and issues has come up during the years he started to despise them. He told me that this year I helped to give him the best Christmas he could ever have imagined. I thought - how odd as we have had 15 Christmases together and some I thought were pretty awesome.

6:46 PM

Hopeful1

ALL: speaking of the holidays, funny moment when opening gifts at my FIL's house, we normally go around and take turns from youngest to oldest and there were some strange looks between the adults when we realized that if husband marries the other woman and brings her she will be opening her gift before the grandkids are done! LOL!

6:47 PM

david alan

finding nemo: Perhaps he didn't communicate his displeasure before now. Guys tend to internalize it.

6:47 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: pfffftttttt.

6:47 PM

Hopeful1

david alan so, as women, how do we get them to tell us about their displeasure without nagging them to tell us?

6:48 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: That made me chuckle into my coffee.

6:48 PM

Hopeful1

I am learning that husband did that all the time apparently

6:48 PM

Hopeful1

I thought we were just really agreeable!

6:48 PM

finding nemo

david alan - That is possible. He was abused as a kid and is just now recognizing and learning how to deal with all of that. I wonder if because he is finding peace with those issues it makes it easier for him to enjoy the holiday again.

6:49 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: It's pretty normal for guys to do that rather than risk making themselves appear "disagreeable".

6:49 PM

buttons2

Bluesky3 I'm sure you do miss her. I know not to stress however when there seems to be so much more to do and that it feels like it's piled up, it's hard to relax, my body and energy level just force me to though

6:51 PM

Hopeful1

david alan ok, I get that. But, in husband's case he took all those years and years of keeping quiet pushed down into him into he could hold the resentment no longer. I had NO idea and would have been perfectly fine changing things IF I had known. What are we women to do?

6:52 PM

buttons2

finding nemo usually during summer holidays I take about two weeks where I allow myself to "crash" and do very little, however this year, due to pay cutting before the strike and then two weeks of strike I needed to ensure there was money so I started working in the store right away and did longer hours than normal and kept working until the end of summer, no real break at all

6:52 PM

finding nemo

buttons2 - What kind of store are you working in? I may have missed that in chat before.

6:52 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: How? Guess it depends on where he is at and what the root causes were for him shutting down. Could be many things.

6:54 PM

david alan

How's that for a non-answer. Sheesh.

6:54 PM

Hopeful1

david alan My guess is that the root cause of him doing that is that it is also the way his mother does things. Why he shut down (meaning, no return, no warning, and no working on this) I think is just typical midlife crisis combined with the loss of his business, starting a new business where he was across the country and loving his newfound "freedom".

6:55 PM

david alan

As a man, I found some really good information on why we do what we do when I read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You may want to give it a look-see.

6:55 PM

swan

Hopeful1 - men put all their little issues in boxes, because they are able to do this, they easily stuff things away and it is kind of out of sight out of mind. They don't really know they are stuffing these things and when we "nag" them that is exactly what they feel we are doing because to them it is in its little box and no big deal, we are trying to make a big deal about it in their minds.

6:55 PM

Hopeful1

david alan I think I might have bought that years ago. Need to see if it's still in my bathroom "library" LOL!

6:56 PM

Hopeful1

swan great insight! I want to kick all the little boxes over and fix and organize them all. That's who I am, apparently! LOL!

6:56 PM

finding nemo

Hopeful1 - It's been 5 years since my husband started his midlife crisis and it wasn't until recently when he could put his finger on the exact moment it started, how and why. It was not the reason I was thinking it was for sure. I have learned that he was giving me the clues, I was just too tuned into working on SO many of the other problems that I missed a lot of important clues.

6:56 PM

david alan

swan: we also tend to quit trying to communicate how we feel if we have been shut down or made to feel as if our feelings aren't "as important" as our wives. At least - that's what I did.

6:57 PM

david alan

Well - well... HI Hannah!

6:57 PM

Hannah

Hi David, I lost track of time but made the last few minutes

6:57 PM

david alan

Happy New Year

6:58 PM

Hannah

Happy new year to all

6:58 PM

Hopeful1

finding nemo that's interesting. Both that he knows how and why it started AND that it wasn't what you expected. I'm sure I missed many clues too.

6:58 PM

buttons2

hopeful1 I had to learn not to pay attention to my husband and what was happening if I felt like he was chatting with other woman or anything I would just redirect myself and find something to do, there wasn't much getting away from it as just learning to redirect my focus, @46, that's kind of scary however funny at the same time :)

6:59 PM

buttons2

finding nemo I work at a corner store one afternoon/evening a week so the lady can have family dinners, during the summer she gives me extra hours however I usually try to stick to a couple of days a week and a few hours however this past summer I did 3 days a week 6 hour shifts, along with doing papers 5 days a week on my own

7:00 PM

david alan

Guys are not the greatest of communicators anyway. midlife crisis makes it immeasurably worse.

7:00 PM

Hopeful1

buttons2 I bet. I agree with that too. I'm learning to redirect my thoughts in general so I just need to do it when I find the need to snoop too.

7:00 PM

david alan

Hey all, was really nice to chat with you again. I need to run. Take care and have a wonderful New Year.

7:00 PM

swan

david alan - You too, come visit us again soon

7:01 PM

buttons2

All I think we all miss clues, no matter which gender it is that breaks, only the person it happens to can put the finger on the actual reason, we can only guess really

7:01 PM

buttons2

bye david alan nice to see you

7:02 PM

buttons2

Happy New Year Hannah I was thinking about you the other night and praying for you to find a decent job.

7:02 PM

swan

All - I need to say goodnight, have to finish getting dinner ready for the family

7:02 PM

buttons2

swan night, have a great evening.

7:02 PM

Hopeful1

Going to head out. My daughter wants me to play Mario cart with her. Duty calls! Goodnight all!

7:03 PM

finding nemo

All - I am going to say good night, too. I work early tomorrow so I need to get my things together. Have a good night.

7:03 PM

buttons2

All it is past time so I am going to head off too. Hugs and prayers all around

7:03 PM

buttons2

Night Hannah

 

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6:39 PM

Hopeful1

david alan - touché, I guess what I mean is, is it likely (not just possible) that I might have sort of turned a corner into a better stage of my grief in my own journey and that I might be able to not worry so much about those horrible first days repeating (emotions wise). I guess I'm just afraid that the feeling of hope and new beginnings that I have today will be replaced by terrible sadness again tomorrow.

6:42 PM

david alan

Hopeful1: You have grown. You know what to expect (to a point) and as a result, it will probably be easier for you to adjust for the continuing highs and lows that are bound to come your way.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud