Midlife Dimensions

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July 04, 2014

6:27 PM

finding nemo

all - I need all the prayer I can get, my daughter is angry with her dad tonight because he was supposed to take her to see fireworks; we have not heard a word from him.

6:30 PM

Beth

finding nemo I know it is hard on your D. I had a teen when my H left. There were times when my heart nearly broke for her. Encourage your D to text him, call him sometime. Encourage her to keep in contact with him. I told my children no matter what happened between their father and myself he still needed them and they needed him.

 


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July 04, 2014

6:02 PM

finding nemo

Hi Beth. I am so glad to see someone else in the room tonight

6:02 PM

Beth

Hi finding nemo how are you?

6:02 PM

finding nemo

I am not so good.

6:02 PM

finding nemo

I have had a week I would not wish on my worst enemy

6:02 PM

finding nemo

hope you are doing well

6:03 PM

Beth

finding nemo What is going on?

6:03 PM

finding nemo

Beth - are you familiar with my story at all?

6:04 PM

Beth

I am not so sure now if I remember or not. I have been talking to you so refresh my memory.

6:05 PM

finding nemo

Beth - my husband and I are 19 months separated due to getting into a fight and him hitting me. there was another woman involved in our fight. it took him 9 months to decide to work on the marriage. so up until Easter of this year we worked on the marriage. he even came home for the first time over Easter weekend.

6:05 PM

Beth

finding nemo So is he home now or left again.

6:06 PM

finding nemo

Beth - he is living in his own apartment. right after Easter he stopped talking to me, he started ignoring me. he stopped spending time without daughter, our daughter had a break down and for four days I was up and down with her. I then had a break down and I was sent to speak with a gentleman to help get me through what was going on

6:07 PM

Beth

finding nemo Sorry for all you are going through. So do you still want your marriage to work?

6:07 PM

finding nemo

Beth - the guy tells me that he is pretty sure my husband is getting sex from someone and that is why he doesn't come around anymore. I asked my husband point blank if he has a girlfriend and if he is getting sex from her or anyone else

6:08 PM

HopinginHim

Good Evening Everyone!

6:08 PM

Beth

Hi HopinginHim How are you? Glad you could make it tonight,

6:09 PM

finding nemo

Beth - I want my marriage, but I am not sure where I am right now. he told me last week he would work on the marriage. even accepted a book to read and we would talk about it. he went to a family picnic with me and daughter. the next day took us to ice cream. while eating ice cream a message came in from his girl friend and both daughter and I saw it.

6:09 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - Hi! I am doing ok. Thank you. It's good to be here. Often the weekends are crazy busy so it is hard to make it into chat. Hope things are going well with you?

6:10 PM

finding nemo

Beth - I made him bring me home. daughter went in the house and we pretty much had a come to Jesus kind of meeting. in one breath he told me he wasn't going to work on the marriage. in the next breath told me that I mean the world to him and that he loves me.

6:11 PM

finding nemo

Beth - in one breath he told me that he wishes he never met me and/or married me. then back tracked and again told me that he is scared, loves, me script

6:11 PM

finding nemo

HopinginHim - hey

6:11 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am unsure of a lot of the details of your situation but I do know that many of us have gone through or are going through a time with our spouses where they cycle. Warm and affectionate at times to cold and distant. Often living with "a foot in two different worlds". It's like a groundhog that sticks his head out and creeps out of his hole some and then gets scared and ducks back in for a while until he can get the courage to creep out again

6:12 PM

Beth

finding nemo Sometimes it is a sexual affair and sometimes it is only emotional. Either way it is not good. If you want to work on your marriages you need to make some changes in your life like do something for yourself like you always wanted to do. Change your hair style, lose weight, and go out with friends. Let your H see you are not moping around home for him. You move on yet you are waiting for him.

6:13 PM

finding nemo

Beth - he told me that he is freaking out because I have made so many changes. but, at the same time with those changes he still throws in my face how I should have been doing it all along

6:14 PM

Beth

finding nemo I always say they are too blinded to see any further then their nose. Right now they are unstable emotionally so do not know what they want.

6:14 PM

Beth

finding nemo Changes are good for you anyway. He is probably afraid of the changes he sees in you.

6:15 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - They are utterly confused and in pain and full of shame and guilt. They will often say things that help them to justify, in their own mind, that we are responsible for their current situation. "We made them do it". Don't buy into it. It is the result of the fact that they have bought into a life of sin and are currently completely blinded and are doing whatever it takes to alleviate some of the guilt.

6:16 PM

Beth

HopinginHim That is so true. They are blinded.

6:17 PM

finding nemo

all - I picked apart his theory of just how miserable he was being married to me and it's interesting because he agreed with every positive I sent his way.

6:18 PM

Beth

finding nemo They have to blame it on someone so they blame us for what they are going through.

6:19 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - I think we have been in this "process" for about the same time, so I am no expert. However, I firmly believe that our role in this is to take our eyes off of our spouses. If we try to analyze where they are at, how they are feeling or anything else, we will drive ourselves crazy. Ultimately, our goal is to look firmly at the Lord, trust that He is the one that will bring our spouses home to Him and to us, look to Him for what He is trying to teach us in this and then rest.

6:20 PM

Beth

HopinginHim Amen for that sister!

6:21 PM

finding nemo

Beth - yes. I believe this was test for me because the prior week I was spent. completely done. and I prayed for enough anger to end my marriage. I went to sleep and work up crying and only finding compassion in my heart. I stood still waiting for the voice to tell me which way I need to go and I was met with -- you take one step I will carry you two. soooo, confusing.

6:22 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - I really believe it is easier to just accept that our spouses are having some kind of mental break down, that they cannot be trusted or relied upon until they are through this. So while we wait, we wait upon the Lord, trust Him and have Him renew our strength in the process. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. Let Him give you comfort and strength and hope. I liken it to Peter walking on water, when he looked at the waves he sunk, only when he focused on Christ

6:22 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - was Peter able to actually walk on water. He held on to Christ and survived.

6:24 PM

Beth

finding nemo Thank God you do have compassion in your heart for your H. I used to pray for compassion for my H. God will carry you through this. Like the footprints He is there for us when things seem so hard we can't go on. I believe God is telling you not to give up but He will carry you through this.

6:24 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - this is a very difficult process for us. We are often caught on the emotional roller coaster. I get that. I am so guilty of that myself. I just know that I need to get off, stop looking for security from my H and simply trust that the Lord will work through this, in His perfect time. I will be praying that you hear Him whisper His sweet words of comfort, love and presence to you.

6:27 PM

Beth

finding nemo It is not always easy to do but we have to keep our focus on God not what out H is doing or where he is. We need to spend more time with God getting to know Him. God wants to be first and foremost in our lives.

6:27 PM

finding nemo

all - I need all the prayer I can get, my daughter is angry with her dad tonight because he was supposed to take her to see fireworks; we have not heard a word from him.

6:29 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - We will definitely be praying. How old is your D? I know how hard this is on them. If, when you are ready, you can explain that your H is having a hard time. He is working through some things that means he needs some time on his own. It has nothing to do with her and maybe you can invite her to pray with you for your H. If you demonstrate compassion (which you clearly have) it will help her. I am so so sorry this has been such a tough week!

6:29 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Hey my friend! How are you?

6:30 PM

Beth

finding nemo I know it is hard on your D. I had a teen when my H left. There were times when my heart nearly broke for her. Encourage your D to text him, call him sometime. Encourage her to keep in contact with him. I told my children no matter what happened between their father and myself he still needed them and they needed him.

6:30 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - hey and hi to Beth & finding nemo

6:30 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - Beautiful!

6:30 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - I'm ok, how are you?

6:31 PM

Beth

Hi Tiger how are you? I was wondering where you were as you are in most Fridays chat.

6:31 PM

finding nemo

all - Daughter is 14 and she has some anger toward him now since seeing that message on his phone. she didn't want to see him on Wednesday, but I convinced her to go. she feels betrayed by him as this is second OW that he has been involved with that has taken her time with him away.

6:31 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - I am ok. Hanging in there.

6:32 PM

Tiger

Beth - I went over to my BF for a bit. I didn't mean to stay this long and be late.

6:32 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - No problem! Just glad you are here! :)

6:33 PM

Beth

Tiger That is ok. I was a couple mins late. I was feeling a bit lonely and had to close my car windows so decided to see if a friend was home so dropped in to see her.

6:34 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - I started thinking, OMGosh, what is my H going to say if he sees it, so I deleted it. I didn't realize it was where everyone could see

6:34 PM

Beth

Tiger I was wondering if anybody can see if we post a comment.

6:34 PM

Tiger

Beth - yes they can

6:34 PM

finding nemo

all - on a good note for tonight, my daughter and her girl scout troop are trying to make their way to Peru to work at an orphanage. they worked at a booth today selling things either they made or us parent's made. they made nearly enough for one girl to go. I am soooo proud of them.

6:35 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Yes. I am not a FB friend because most of my friends have no clue that my H and I are separated so I can't comment or like, but I just read her posts, they encourage me! I guess that is true, I didn't realize who can see or how. You could start another Face book account just for that purpose.

6:35 PM

Beth

Tiger I thought it was private. Are you talking about MLD profile or face book in general

6:35 PM

Tiger

Beth - The person we are talking about has her own page and it’s not private

6:36 PM

Beth

finding nemo WOW! that is so good. I hope they can go there. it will be an experience for them.

6:36 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - speaking of FB, OW has not tagged H on anything since 6/15

6:37 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Hmm, that sounds promising! :)

6:37 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - Hi! :) How are you doing tonight?

6:37 PM

Beth

Tiger I believe there is a way to make it private though.

6:38 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Hey. Doing good, have you enjoyed a good holiday?

6:38 PM

Tiger

Beth - If she wanted too, she could. But she wants it public so everyone can see and share

6:38 PM

surety

hi all, I apologize for being late

6:38 PM

finding nemo

Beth - They are all 13 and 14 year olds. I worked with them for a bit and there was a belly dancing group near us. I also belly dance so the girls were having me show them how to dance and then the girl got invited over to dance with the ladies. it was such a great day for them.

6:38 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - hey

6:38 PM

Beth

Hi dumbfounded and surety. How are you? Glad you are here.

6:38 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - yep

6:38 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Absolutely! I just about cried! I even mentioned briefly to my H today that I had heard a story of someone who had reconciled after many years. It think that encouraged him.

6:39 PM

surety

Beth thank you for holding down the fort

6:39 PM

Beth

finding nemo Sounds like they had fun.

6:39 PM

dumbfounded2

Beth - Hey. How are you?

6:39 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - You know you are very blessed that you can talk to him about that stuff

6:39 PM

Beth

surety You are welcome.

6:40 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Yes. Thank you. I know that. Often we can lose perspective on the many blessings when we focus too much on the hurt.

6:40 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - There are so many times I would like to say something like that to my H, but I am afraid.

6:40 PM

Beth

dumbfounded2 I am almost cooked here. We are having a heat wave and the humidity is bad here,

6:41 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - I firmly believe when the time is right and the Spirit prompts you, you will know and feel peace about speaking to H about some of these things.

6:41 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - Then I stop and think, shoot, what do I have to be afraid of, that he's not coming back, he's not here now, so really what difference would it make?

6:41 PM

surety

I love this verse I got this morning "Blessed is the nation whose God is LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance" Psalm 33:12

6:41 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - I think we are close by! You are right. It is a cooker! Today was much better here though! I can actually open my window to sleep tonight! I love that!

6:42 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Glad you got to see your H. I had an interesting day with my H yesterday. We met his parents who had called me and wanted to take me and our son to a late lunch. I kind of fussed at him about running from his parents and his issues. He responded by meeting us for lunch and we visited for 3 hours. I took them for coffee and H left, but he called me later and wanted me to meet him while he was doing his laundry at a local washateria. I did and he started talking about when we reconcile, he wants to build a house on some land we looked at last year. I am still shaking my head because today I haven't heard from him

6:42 PM

Beth

Tiger HopinginHim and all please say a little prayer for my D. She needs to see her family Dr by Tuesday to get another prescription and so far she has no way to the clinic and can't drive where her foot is broken. She finds is frustrating sometimes having to depend on someone to get her to appts etc.

6:42 PM

dumbfounded2

Beth - What area are you in?

6:42 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - I agree. There is nothing to be afraid of, however, I always try to cover most of what I do in prayer first and then let the Spirit guide me and give me wisdom. I rarely say things like I did. Just when I feel that he would be receptive.

6:43 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - I will certainly be praying. Can her Dr. call in the prescription and then have the drug store deliver it to her?

6:43 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - I know, I am just so afraid

6:44 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - I get it. But no need to be afraid. He is already the victor. That battle has already been won!

6:44 PM

Beth

dumbfounded2 I am from Canada.

6:46 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - I am so glad you had a nice time with your H and his parents. So glad that he seems to be listening some to you. It is ironic. It seems that you, Finding Nemo and I are all going through this horrible "cycling" stage. It's like a very painful dance. You never know what you are going to be met with. I am trying very hard to take my eyes off of him, know that he can't be trusted, he is scared and running but yet he always eventually reaches out. I am holding on to Him.

6:46 PM

Beth

HopinginHim No I asked her that too. She said her Dr won't call it in. If the Dr would she probably could get someone to pick it up. I told her to tell her Dr she has her foot broken and she can't get around that good now

6:47 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - It's like they are testing the waters. I guess that is good!

6:48 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - Does she have anyone in her social circles that can help church? I know you said her girlfriends/roommates don't drive and her dad isn't helping. I will be praying that she finds some reliable transportation for the short term! Poor thing!

6:48 PM

Beth

HopinginHim and all one good thing my H is gone camping with our son and family. H has been spending quality time with son and family this time.

6:48 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Yes. My H even talked about getting back together and calling a truce. I told him that we would definitely have to work through whatever issues we have but that I also wanted to bury the past 4 years of hurt and take the good lessons from it and move ahead. H seemed happy to hear that

6:49 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - that's great!

6:50 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - That is great news! I know from everything that I have read that the path home isn't always straight and smooth. He is afraid and hiding at times, but the last while seems to be showing a lot of progress. Hang on my friend! Know you are prayed for!

6:50 PM

finding nemo

dumbfounded2 - praying for you guys, too

6:50 PM

Beth

HopinginHim She doesn't go to church. She does have a few friends at work but not sure who is working, busy on holidays or not. She is very independent. My H has helped after. He did pay for a wheelchair for her to get around in, got her prescription for pain filled and took her to her work place to see management. he is getting his niece to take her to see specialist and he was with her yesterday afternoon. he even did some work for her then. I really can't complain.

6:52 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Thank you so much. I do need reminding that it is normal MLC to hear these things and then have a cycle of withdrawal. I don't think he would say some of the things he did unless he had been thinking about us a lot. I was really surprised he brought up the land we looked at last year, I have thought of that a lot too and he said so had he. He called me after the lunch to tell me that he enjoyed having lunch with ME

6:53 PM

finding nemo

all - Not sure if anyone else is in the USA, but if you are happy 4th. it looks like a huge storm is heading my way so there will be no fireworks here tonight; the city just cancelled their festivities.

6:54 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - That is all very wonderful! So happy! I know that some show it more than others but all of these guys think ALL THE TIME about us!

6:55 PM

HopinginHim

Beth - So thankful to hear that your H is helping out some. Also glad that he seems to be reconnecting with your son. That is great!

6:55 PM

finding nemo

hopinginhim - You are right, my husband told his dad recently that he is tortured with thoughts of me because he loves me so much and I just said, yea, okay, with his behavior of late I believe nothing

6:55 PM

surety

I am going to sign off; you all have a great week. Blessings

6:56 PM

Beth

HopinginHim I am thanking God several times a day he is spending so much time with our son and family and ow is not with him.

6:57 PM

finding nemo

Beth - Does he spend time with you or just son?

6:57 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - When you talk to your H, does he refer to the future much? I still notice that my H is very self focused, not like a selfish way, just seems to be surviving in his own world mostly.

6:58 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - I know that you are terribly hurt right now and feel very "manipulated". I get that. I really do. If I can encourage you to recognize that his behavior is very typical, he is scared. Returning home requires work and dealing with the "damage". That is hard for them to face. They want it; just don't know how to get there. Be patient, pray like mad and hang on tight to your faith. And know that you are surrounded by prayer from all of us here. We all understand.

7:00 PM

finding nemo

Hopinginhim - I am so thankful you guys are here.

7:00 PM

Beth

finding nemo No I have not seen him in years, he moved half way between where I live and our children live. We have 3 grandsons and he saw oldest one 3 times and youngest 2 times including now. He does not visit them very often. He never comes back this way to see his siblings either.

7:00 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - Yes. My H often refers to the future. We talk about buying cottages or refurnishing the house, etc. I know he believes that we will be together, just doesn't know what this "middle mess" looks like exactly.

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - I understand where you are in your thoughts. They can put us in a box and close the lid and focus solely on things that keep them distracted, but their hearts will not allow them to keep the lid on and when they get still, up comes the memories, along with the pain and confusion and it takes them what seems like forever to finally get it

7:01 PM

HopinginHim

Finding Nemo - That is too cute!

7:02 PM

HopinginHim

Beth@56 -That is indeed something to be thankful for!

7:02 PM

Beth

dumbfounded2 HopinginHim or anyone have your H ever mentioned he thinks about things you did as a couple or family together?

7:02 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - You are quiet. Everything ok?

7:03 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - Yeah, just thinking

7:04 PM

dumbfounded2

Beth - Yes, my H and I have connected many times over things someone says or some type of conversation with our son prompts a memory and things come back to us. I like to think God is allowing this to bring us closer. These are things that only he and I understand.

7:05 PM

Beth

Tiger It is hard when your spouse does not connect to you. I know I find it hard

7:05 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - I know that is harder with some silence. I understand that. I know the process home is very different for them all. As I said, some just are more able to reach out and then retreat, where some are more silent as they process things. It seems some need the reassurance of us being here, so they stay more in contact. However, as we have seen over and over again, most return, some suddenly, others more gradually. Hang tough my friend! He has this!

7:06 PM

finding nemo

all - (( HUGS )) all around for you all

7:06 PM

Beth

dumbfounded2 I never hear my H say anything but I know there are days and days I get a flashback of us or our family, things we did or places we went so I am sure he must too.

7:07 PM

dumbfounded2

Beth - Sure he does! Most of us remember things from our earlier lives because these are the things that have brought us to where we are today.

7:08 PM

Tiger

Beth HopinginHim - I emailed H Tuesday night and he emailed me back Wednesday morning, he does connect with me, just by text or email

7:08 PM

Tiger

HopinginHim - I haven't seen h since March 15 at the funeral, it’s the longest we have ever been apart since 1997

7:08 PM

Beth

It is time to close chat for another night. I know I need to get closer to a fan it is so warm here. Good night all and God bless.

7:08 PM

dumbfounded2

Beth - Good night.

7:09 PM

Tiger

Beth - Good night

7:09 PM

Beth

Tiger That is more the my H connect

7:09 PM

HopinginHim

Tiger - Does he live close by? I know my H finds it hard to be close at times. He absolutely refuses to go in our bedroom. It could be that it is easier to text and not have to face you. Afraid of the emotion he would feel.

7:10 PM

finding nemo

Good night everyone, thank you for being here. I will think of you and pray for you all.

7:10 PM

HopinginHim

All - Goodnight everyone. Have a great week!

7:10 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - That is strange how they all are fear going into certain areas of our home

7:10 PM

HopinginHim

Dumbfounded2 - I know. I actually take some comfort in that. It speaks to me of his guilt.

7:11 PM

dumbfounded2

HopinginHim - Amen. Have a nice night.

 

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6:27 PM

finding nemo

all - I need all the prayer I can get, my daughter is angry with her dad tonight because he was supposed to take her to see fireworks; we have not heard a word from him.

6:30 PM

Beth

finding nemo I know it is hard on your D. I had a teen when my H left. There were times when my heart nearly broke for her. Encourage your D to text him, call him sometime. Encourage her to keep in contact with him. I told my children no matter what happened between their father and myself he still needed them and they needed him.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud