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New Year's Day - 2014

 

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January 01, 2014 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:01 PM

swan

Hello everyone, welcome to Wednesday evening chat and the first day of a new year.

5:03 PM

Tiger

hey swan and dumbfounded

5:03 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger, Swan - Hi. How are you?

5:04 PM

swan

dumbfounded2 - I am doing good, looking forward to a new year and what God has in store for me.

5:04 PM

Tiger

hey button2

5:04 PM

buttons2

Hello ladies how is everyone?

5:04 PM

buttons2

hey tiger

5:04 PM

Tiger

buttons2 - I'm ok and you?

5:05 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Are you doing OK now that the holidays are over? It is a hard time.

5:05 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I am SO glad they are over with

5:06 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Me Too! Did anyone see Challengers' email today?

5:07 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - yes I did, I'm happy for her, how are things with you?

5:07 PM

buttons2

Tiger doing good. H had a friend call and ask him for dinner and he said sure without even batting an eye, that was earlier this morning and now he's off for dinner, sigh.

5:08 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - yes I did and did a short response as I had just responded to an earlier one too so some of what I said was similar.

5:08 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger- Good. I think I told you H came by on Christmas Day with gifts for me and son and stayed 3 hours and left in his sleigh (LOL) saying I love ya'll, not a word since.

5:10 PM

buttons2

swan I too am looking forward to the new year with the hope that at least my H can say my first name with some emotion. God is good and I am definitely looking forward to the growth HE will have me do.

5:10 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - If you saw Challenger's email, what do you make of her H's admission that he thinks of coming home, but his anxiety ratchets up and then he talks himself out of it. What kind of anxiety do MLCers deal with?

5:12 PM

swan

dumbfounded2 - MLCer's often go through these feelings, they deal with the anxiety of what will be different if they come home, will they really be forgiven, etc. Then there is the self forgiveness that become difficult for them as they witness firsthand the affects of their choices up close.

5:12 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded- that’s good

5:12 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - I am ready for a new year with more positive things in my life.

5:13 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - yeah me too.

5:15 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - I believe challenger also said that her H admitted to being concerned about how others would accept him back and whether she could. I know that wtg4gd has posted some from her H and that was a big one for him. I think my H keeps waiting for things to be different at home, things with the kids, etc. He still doesn't see that some of it is how he views things, YES, as swan and cricket have both told me I need to learn boundaries with the "kids" and that is coming but I'm slow at picking that up as it means a change that right now I feel TOO tired to even attempt, default mode

5:15 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - In the beginning, I thought I didn't give H this or that and maybe I did keep too many activities going, but in the end, little has changed as far as home life. I still take care of our home, cook and keep things clean. I have changed in a spiritual sense and am stronger than I realized. What kind of things do the MLCer look for as far as things being different than before at home? I have basically just held it all together and not changed much at home

5:15 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Anything new going on with you and H

5:16 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 your H has likely scared himself some and has pulled back, remember he's done this before, keep giving him the space and time he needs

5:17 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - not a thing

5:17 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - another post I read said PEACE, things may not have changed much but if you are stronger spiritually and more at peace then that is what they seek.

5:20 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons2 - Yes. I know. I just wish I could understand what scares him, the familiarity of home? Smells? He usually notes my cooking or something. When he came over, we were watching movies and we just paused the movie and invited him to eat. I tried to act like he was any friend that came by and just sat back, he even sat on couch and at dinner table for an hour or so.

5:20 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger- Hang on as one time my H went 6 weeks before contacting me, they will resurface.

5:22 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - we can't, none of it really make sense, basically they are afraid of being comfortable. Swan said something good too about worrying things won't change, they are afraid they aren't ready. We can't understand and it's tiring if we try.

5:23 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - they also don't feel worthy yet, they just aren't ready, one moment they feel they are and the next they aren't. I saw/see that often with my H. I see he is still in the throes of things or is on the edge somewhere.

5:25 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons2 - I made a promise to myself last night that I was going to pursue some things that interest me (woodworking, exercise and gardening in 2014) and let God handle H. I told my attorney to hold up on processing any further paperwork. It takes courage, patience and prayer to leave the MLCer alone while they work thru their issues

5:27 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - AMEN to your last sentence

5:28 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 - it definitely does!!!! It is very hard to do but important for us so we can live life and be healthy and happy, a GF of mine doesn't understand that I try to not focus on my H and what he is doing and going through, despite still being in the house and sharing a bed.

5:31 PM

dumbfounded2

To All - I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off for 2 weeks and Oh how I have enjoyed sleeping in and just puttering, but I have to say this December has been so much better than the past two years.

5:32 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - and for me, it was the worst December ever

5:32 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 hehehe, me too but I have also not done the planned I had wanted sigh. I do have a few more days thankfully, sleep is such a glorious thing!

5:33 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - I know things look dark for you right now, but I just have a feeling that your H is just not through this thing and I don't think he is through with you either.

5:34 PM

swan

Hi Bluesky - welcome, how are you tonight?

5:34 PM

dumbfounded2

Hey Bluesky!

5:34 PM

buttons2

hey bluesky

5:37 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - thanks, I appreciate it. I ran into a friend the other day. She told me she was so sorry about what OW had done, she knows her too, friend said no one can stand her especially since she has done this to me. I told her that I still have faith and hope for my marriage. She said I'm a bigger person than she is, she said there is no way she could take him back, how many times have we heard that huh?

5:37 PM

Tiger

hey bluesky

5:38 PM

buttons2

Tiger - exactly, did you see my message from a little earlier? Same idea.

5:38 PM

Bluesky

Good evening all, Happy New Year. Just as I get on, my cat always yells. I don't know how he knows when I am on chat but he does.

5:38 PM

Tiger

buttons2 - yes I did, just now, I was going to respond

5:40 PM

swan

Bluesky - My little girl kitty passed away Christmas Eve morning. She was 17 years old and had been fine, just laid next to me and stopped breathing. I miss her, but am thankful she didn't suffer and went peacefully.

5:40 PM

Bluesky

swan omg, I am so so sorry. Yes, I am glad too but you must have been shocked.

5:41 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 I can't find the message you meant for challenger, it should be in my done folder but it's gone, sorry I can't forward it to her for you :(

5:43 PM

swan

Bluesky - It was a shock because there was no advance warning, but she was up in years. Sad thing is she was my husband's cat that he had to leave because the other woman didn't allow him to bring her with him when they moved in together. He doesn't know, I can't tell him and didn't want to ask the kids to pass it on to him at Christmas. I will ask my son to mention it to his dad now that the holidays are over. Don't know for sure if he really cares, but he did love her so much, I was shocked when he allowed the other woman to dictate that he couldn't have her anymore.

5:43 PM

buttons2

swan hugs what a time to lose something we love, it is good that it was a peaceful passing for her

5:43 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons2 - That is OK. I can take care of it.

5:44 PM

swan

buttons2 - thanks

5:44 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger- So many women will tell you that they wouldn’t take them back, but only you know your H and only you can understand what is happening in him, no one else walks in your shoes

5:45 PM

Bluesky

swan gosh such a sad circumstance too. It will be interesting to hear if he cares. Do you still have one more kitty? I know the other one passed right before you moved too. I am glad you are with family at this time.

5:46 PM

swan

dumbfounded2 and Tiger - Life is funny when we perceive something and when we live it firsthand! 20 years ago I would and probably did say that if my husband ever did this to me, I would make him pay and he would suffer as he did. But when it happened, God had gotten a hold of my heart and my reaction was the complete opposite.

5:46 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - yep. you are so right

5:46 PM

buttons2

All people say things but until they are in the same situation they really can't know how they would handle things, just as my e-mail said, as I just said to tiger the guy was glowing and full of love still, yet the hostess of the show had said she would never be able to get past the anger, we really don't know until we are there AND GOD takes control!!!

5:46 PM

dumbfounded2

To all - I want to ask anyone's opinion of something the OW said to me, she said, he told me that this is the best he had ever felt being with me and that you (me) were so boring! This is something H had NEVER said to me about being bored, what do you make of that?

5:47 PM

Tiger

swan - So sorry about your cat. I would be devastated if something happened to one of my girls now.

5:47 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 when did you talk to her? And why?

5:49 PM

swan

dumbfounded2 - Wow, I have to say the other woman with my husband has never had the courage to speak to me face to face, she did other things and said things to people who knew me, but she did it all behind my back and lied when she got caught. Your husband might have said something like that to her, but who knows if it was in response to a question from her prompting it or the MLC talking. Remember MLC hazes their views and things that were true yesterday are false today and visa versa. Remember the MLCer has a need to justify what they are doing and it often includes attacks against our character and behavior.

5:50 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - This was the night I caught him with her after I followed him for 4 hours. It has just been on my mind because anyone that describes me would never use the word boring and remember he told me I kept too much going

5:50 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - I know. I even asked him about it later and he shook his head and said you were never boring, can't you see how deep I was in this mess?

5:52 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 remember also that they will say anything to the OW to 'get and keep her".

5:53 PM

swan

dumbfounded2 - Although I am wondering, WHY are you talking to the other woman? Even if my husband's other woman tried to speak to me, I believe I would shut her down, use boundaries and walk away. You have more patience than I, because she would get the hand snap shut signal for shut your mouth.

5:54 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - my Hs OW is afraid of me, thinks I would shoot her. I would never do that, but I’m glad she thinks it.

5:54 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - Well Obviously since he had proposed to her so she wouldn’t break up with him (GEEZ)

5:55 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 how long had he been with her when he proposed? and YUCK while still married.

5:57 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 I would also say that my marriage got boring and stale; I had asked h before he left if that was what he felt, but still no reason to go do what he did.

5:58 PM

swan

Tiger - Funny you say that, the other woman with my husband once told our daughter in law and other friends that she gets knots in her stomach when anyone mentions my name because she is afraid of me. Anyone she has ever made that comment to laughs and say she tells them they don't know me like she does. It is amazing how the other woman thinks, she doesn't know anything about me at all, and I know my husband doesn't talk about me to her. He told me he never had or would and even friends say that she tries to use them to get info and my husband will shut her down. But the other woman does know I was a Marine and what I did in the Corps, it could intimidate.

5:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky- 2 years and she was pushing him for more, see she knew he was married; I was just out of the loop. He told me later that he felt like she was a friend and that he was just being him without being nagged, but he could see that she was young and just wanted the life that he already had.

5:58 PM

buttons2

Alright all, I am going to head off, need to eat, H went to a friends for dinner and I don't feel like cooking or getting out of my PJs so I'm not sure what to do here :)

5:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - I would agree that things were humdrum with work and kids and I did need to GAL, but that is not a reason for what my H has done either and he finally knows it, but overall I am happy with how I feel about me and my home life now. I have been strong, understanding and family oriented and that will not change for me.

5:59 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons2 - Peanut butter and jelly

5:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - Well, that is true, but remember I had no idea who she was until I asked her what the relationship was. I still thought she was the wife of the other man at the trailer, but that was her mother's boyfriend. She is also young (28) and uneducated, and very immature. I actually got more info from her than my H who was (no pun intended) dumbfounded2 -LOL!1

6:00 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 I think we all get to that stage of marriage, kids, work, life.

6:00 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 nah although tempting :) there is a drive through nearby but ugh, that means warming my diesel and the tire needs air so... yeah, maybe PB and J with cheesecake chaser :)

6:00 PM

buttons2

dumbfounded2 some sweet potato fries too, hmmm, alright that all might work thanks :)

6:01 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 do you know where he met her?

6:01 PM

Bluesky

buttons2 night, enjoy. And I would stay in the pjs too.

6:02 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - Sure we do, so I have cut myself some slack and come to understand that this has a lot more to do with self inner work on H's part.

6:02 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 so true.

6:03 PM

Tiger

got to get ready for work, night all

6:03 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - Yes. He travels for work and met her in a diner. She overheard him talking to owner about his work and asking questions about the town and off she went and he didn’t run, he had been denied a promotion the day before he met her and didn’t want to tell me because he thought I would think he was a loser, perfect storm

6:03 PM

Tiger

swan - and you want to keep it that way, right? at least I know she will never go to something she knows I'm at, for now, anyways

6:04 PM

swan

Tiger - I never want to meet the other woman, but I don't like that she tells others she is afraid of me, that I would harm her. But those she has made those comments to, also know me and that even though I have the ability, I never would.

6:04 PM

Bluesky

I am heading out; goodnight all see you Friday night.

6:05 PM

Bluesky

swan Again; I am so sorry about your little miss. I hope you are doing okay.

6:05 PM

swan

Goodnight all! Happy New Year and may the Lord bless each of us with His Glory this coming year.

6:05 PM

swan

Bluesky - Thanks, I miss her

6:05 PM

buttons2

Bluesky :) PJs, sweet pot fries, cheesecake and either PB&J or grilled cheese, night and hugs

 

 

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6:03 PM

Tiger

swan - and you want to keep it that way, right? at least I know she will never go to something she knows I'm at, for now, anyways

6:04 PM

swan

Tiger - I never want to meet the other woman, but I don't like that she tells others she is afraid of me, that I would harm her. But those she has made those comments to, also know me and that even though I have the ability, I never would.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud