Midlife Dimensions

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New Year’s Day Special Session - 1/1/13

7:02 PM

digforhelp

Swan her sister told me she fears her sister locking her out of her life. So she says nothing.

7:03 PM

Swan

digforhelp - that is common, Cricket's husband's family stopped all communication with her when he married the other woman, later they reconnected with her and told her how much they missed her and wanted to stay in contact with her but were afraid they would be locked out of her husband's life.

 

 

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January 01, 2013 / Tuesday 6-7 pm PST / New Year’s Day Special

6:01 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, welcome to our special New Year's Day chat.

6:02 PM

Tiger

hey Swan

6:03 PM

Swan

Hello Tiger - hope you are feeling better tonight

6:03 PM

Swan

Hi Brin

6:04 PM

brin

Hi everyone. Happy New Year!

6:04 PM

Tiger

Swan - I’m ok, I had a very busy night last night working, got home took a short nap... took s28 and D32 to the movies.

6:04 PM

Tiger

brin - hi, Happy New Year to you too

6:04 PM

brin

Hi Swan.

6:05 PM

Swan

So how many times have you written 2012 today while dating something!!!!

6:05 PM

brin

Swan, Tiger - How was your New Year's Eve/Day? Swan- I know you were in chat for NYE.

6:05 PM

brin

Swan :05, None so far!

6:05 PM

Tiger

brin - I worked all night

6:05 PM

brin

Tiger :05, Yikes! Was it busy?

6:05 PM

Tiger

Swan - I don’t EVER want to write 2012 again, as it was the worst year of my life.

6:05 PM

Tiger

brin - very busy

6:06 PM

Swan

brin - Yes, I was here in chat. My daughter and son in law came up, we played games, rung in the New Year, had fun.

6:06 PM

brin

Swan :06, Nice! I went to a low-key party and played games until midnight. It was fun!

6:07 PM

brin

Swan - Was it busy in chat last night?

6:07 PM

Tiger

all- we normally go to our BF's for New Years Eve... :(

6:07 PM

Swan

brin - not too busy, had about five or six people in, plus four facilitators.

6:08 PM

brin

Swan :07, That was quite a few!

6:08 PM

brin

Tiger :07, The holidays are always tough under the circumstances...

6:08 PM

Swan

brin - there were more the first hour while Bill was here, some left when he did, others stayed for the second hour.

6:09 PM

brin

Swan :08, It was nice that Bill was here.

6:09 PM

brin

All - I slept in till about 11am, I think. Been so tired today and my head has been aching on/off for a few weeks.

6:10 PM

Tiger

brin - yeah I can see that.. I did text H this morning and tell him Happy New Year.. he responded...And to you.. at least he responded and didn’t ignore me.

6:10 PM

Swan

brin - he had family at the house, but slipped away for chat, he really cares so much about us and it is nice he is able to come in whenever he can.

6:10 PM

brin

Tiger :10, That was sweet of your H to respond.

6:11 PM

Tiger

all- I’ll be glad to get a good night sleep tonight. When I’m working I only get to sleep 3 hours a day

6:11 PM

brin

Swan :10, Wow - that is nice!

6:11 PM

Tiger

brin - I hope it was...sometimes I wonder?

6:11 PM

brin

Tiger :11, That's not good. Sleep is so important for one to function properly.

6:13 PM

brin

Tiger :11, It's really better for one's sanity to not analyze what/how our spouse (especially the MLCer) does... It'll drive one crazy! I know it's hard to not analyze.

6:14 PM

Tiger

brin - I know, but I can’t help it.. I have two dogs that sleep all night while I’m working, so when I get home they want to play. They now let me sleep for 3 hours straight, it use to be 2. My D and counselor I had gone too, told me to get rid of them.... Let me tell you, if it hadn’t been for my two dogs, I would be crazy already. They know when I’m upset and come comfort me. I HATE being by myself at night.

6:15 PM

brin

Tiger :14, I know what you mean about the dogs being there for you in these difficult circumstances. My dog has been a pillar of strength for me.

6:16 PM

Tiger

brin - There has been times that I go to bed so upset and when I wake up both of them are in bed with me.. they do not sleep with me.. one weighs 88lbs, and the other is 115... but they sense how upset I am.. right now they are both lying in here at my feet.

6:16 PM

brin

Tiger :14, Today, I asked her "Where is the ball?" Her response - she kissed me!

6:19 PM

Tiger

brin - I had asked H if he would help me with them while I was working, He absolutely loves these two.. we adopted them from the GREAT DANE rescue. about 3 years ago.. but of course he never did answer me on helping out.

6:20 PM

brin

Tiger :19, Not surprising. I know in my H's case, he really wanted to avoid me and didn't want to give me false hopes, plus he was spending his time and energy finding someone to replace me. So no - he would not stop by unless he wanted something from me.

6:22 PM

Tiger

all- when they first leave do most still have some contact? come around for holidays? still give you gifts?

6:23 PM

Swan

Tiger - they have a hard enough time being responsible for themselves, much less anyone or thing else. I know my husband asked me to take his cat, said he couldn't have her and didn't think he could care for her as well as I did. She was strictly his cat, her only purpose for me was to feed her and clean the litter box. Now she has warmed up to me after six years, but having moved in with my son, she has quickly taken to him and is beginning to ignore me again.

6:23 PM

brin

Tiger :22, Yes, quite a few still have contact - especially when there are kids involved. I think the gifts part might be 50-50. I hardly got a gift from my H. Again - no false hopes.

6:24 PM

Tiger

Swan - @23- :( shell come back around..

6:24 PM

brin

Swan :23, That's funny. I wonder if the cat likes men. I know my dog likes men.

6:26 PM

Tiger

brin - I continue to give mine gifts. I always have. I’ve gotten him a couple books, a tag cover for his Harley, a couple CD's, some other things since he's been gone....he always takes them and thanks me...

6:27 PM

Tiger

I also send him cards...

6:27 PM

Swan

Tiger - It varies, some keep a small connection, they come by and give gifts for holidays because they need the outside to see that they are not the bad guy and there is a sense of guilt and desire to be close to us, even though they are fighting it because that feeling doesn't match what their head is wanting. The thing is not to put much weight in what he does or doesn't do, to accept the moment at the time, but not to try and define it beyond when it is happening. Men typically do not pre plan moments or actions, they really are not as complex as women and don't have much more meaning to what they are doing other than what it is. My husband would invite me to dinner, even asked me to go on a vacation to our favorite place with him for ten days (of course she called the entire time and kept him sneaking off to be on the phone with her so it felt like I was alone more those of the time), he bought me little gifts, gave me a few cards, accepted gifts and cards from me, even told me how much he liked them, (although I found out later she put them all in the trash), etc. That is right up until the day I signed the divorce papers, then zero. I was somewhat conflicted at the time and not only got very hurt but somewhat angry too. Did he play me until I did what he wanted, or did she issue the "swan no longer exists and not even her name is to be mentioned" order at that time. I don't know, but a man who was never manipulative seemed to be during that time.   In fact I had come across a little Marine Corps do dad that he had been looking for, the day we met at his lawyers office I gave it to him, he accepted it, but when I got home it was on the porch with a note on a napkin that said to never give him anything again, he didn't have to put up with me doing that anymore. I cried, retreated to my bed for a few days actually.

6:28 PM

brin

Tiger :26, I gave mine gifts too for quite a few years. Then it seemed that he didn't appreciate them anymore because he would give them to his kids to wear or use. Maybe OW had something to do with it.. Regardless, he made it clear to me he didn't want the gifts. I was hurt by what he did with the gifts and decided that the giving was pushing him away more. That's when I stopped giving him gifts or cards.

6:30 PM

Swan

brin - they could, my cat has been around other men, and she hasn't really liked them either. My husband and now my son. We adopted her from the pound, they told us she had belonged to an elderly woman and when she passed, the family didn't want the cat so they brought her to the pound. This cat has never been the affectionate, lap cat they told us she had been. But she did adore my husband, she didn't sit in his lap, but would sit on the arm of his chair and he could pet her all night.

6:32 PM

brin

Swan :30, Oh that's why she loved your H - she got patted all night. I wonder if your son reminds her of your H, and that could be why she is going to your son now.

6:33 PM

Tiger

brin - I guess as long as mine still appears to like them, I'll continue doing it..

6:35 PM

Swan

brin - He could, they look a lot alike, but my son actually doesn't really care for cats, he will let her sit on his leg, but he really doesn't pet her. She does let me pet her and she sleeps with me, but she is more and more getting attached to my son.

6:35 PM

brin

Hi koko - how are you?

6:35 PM

Swan

Hi koko

6:35 PM

Tiger

HI koko

6:35 PM

koko

brin rough day today

6:35 PM

koko

hi all

6:35 PM

brin

koko :35, Sorry to hear you had a rough day today.

6:36 PM

Tiger

koko - sorry about the bad day..

6:37 PM

Swan

brin - now I have a grandson who would love for her to get attached to him, but she just isn't having much to do with him at all. She has started letting him pet her a little, but she still pretty much steers clear.

6:38 PM

Swan

koko - hopefully while you are here with us, we can help bring a little ray of light to your day.

6:39 PM

brin

Swan :37, That is strange. My guess is she's missing your H and that your son reminds her of him. Hopefully she'll like your grandson more and more over time.

6:39 PM

Swan

brin - He is 11 and makes sudden moves too much for her - LOL

6:40 PM

brin

Swan :39, I see LOL

6:40 PM

koko

swan thanks. had to tell D19 she couldn’t go back to the university she was attending it went ok but stirred up a lot of emotions I have been building up in side

6:41 PM

Swan

brin - I have wondered if she would even remember my husband, she hasn't seen him in five six years, guess maybe she would.

6:42 PM

Tiger

Swan - I think she would... animals have a keen sense about them.. Every time H comes over he gets down on the floor and plays with our 2 dogs and they just love him

6:42 PM

Tiger

hi digforhelp

6:42 PM

digforhelp

hello Tiger

6:42 PM

koko

digforhelp hi how have u been

6:42 PM

brin

Swan :41, I know my dog remembers my H. He doesn't seem to care about her anymore. One time when he was upset (before he moved out), he kicked my dog to get back at me. Another time he yanked her collar and leash very hard! It was hurtful.

6:43 PM

brin

hi digforhelp - how are you?

6:43 PM

Tiger

koko - I’m sure in time your D will understand the decision about school.

6:43 PM

digforhelp

Hi koko brin feeling a little down tonight.

6:44 PM

brin

digforhelp :43, Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Hopefully you can find some comfort and encouragement here.

6:45 PM

koko

Tiger I think she is but her comment about “why don’t u just get the divorce over with so it won’t cost so much for school" just like putting a knife in my back

6:46 PM

Swan

koko - was your daughter going to university because that is something she wanted or you and your wife wanted. Sadly some at the young age of under 20, just don't understand the importance of higher education and they just want to be done with school. My son was like that, he is highly intelligent and was barely getting by in classes. This is a boy who could never crack open a book and still get 100's on the exams in high school. We told him that he didn't have to go to college for a year, but he would have to work, he wasn't just going to lay around or run. He actually took one term off, then signed up for a night class at the community college himself, took a couple of those and then went back to school on his own. My daughter never even pretended that she wanted to go, we didn't force it, but she also had to get a job. After 18 months, she came home and told us she had enrolled in a tech school. Maybe talk with her and find out what it is that she is really wanting and maybe the three of you can come up with an agreeable solution.

6:46 PM

Tiger

koko - I know, when my D29 told me the week before Christmas that I just better face it H is NOT coming back and I need to get over it.... talk about hurt

6:46 PM

brin

koko :45, I can see why that would hurt. She's thinking about herself at this point, it seems.

6:47 PM

digforhelp

brin swan koko Tiger My wife today forbade me from attending her family’s functions. my in-laws invites me to family dinners when they have them. and I usually go. we have a very good relationship. well today my wife told me she does not want me at these events. and that she does not consider me her husband anymore.

6:47 PM

Swan

Hi digforhelp - how are you tonight?

6:49 PM

digforhelp

Swan kind of upset about today's events.

6:49 PM

brin

digforhelp :47, That is hurtful! Sounds like she's trying to convince herself you're not her H anymore. My H did the same - in his mind we were divorced the day he moved out.

6:49 PM

Tiger

digforhelp - @:48.. I’m so sorry. My H has forbidden me to have any contact with his family also,,, but from the start when he first left. I wanted so bad to tell him, well if that’s the case you do not have any contact with MY family including MY kids... but I didn’t...

6:50 PM

digforhelp

Tiger :) that would have been interesting

6:51 PM

koko

swan her priority was not there., she wanted to go my W was against it, we let her and told her she had to keep her grades up which she did not do. She wanted to go back but also mentioned attending a hairdressing school so we knew where her heart really is .she is thinking about it

6:51 PM

brin

Tiger :49, Good for you for zipping your lips!

6:51 PM

Tiger

digforhelp - I know, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My kids love him as a dad, not a step dad.

6:51 PM

Swan

digforhelp - it is hard for the mlcer to see us connecting with their family, after all their family is supposed to support them and their choices. Not to mention that their family will sometimes try to play mediator and the mlcer doesn't want anyone pointing out to them that we are wonderful people. There could also be some feeling of betrayal towards her family when they remain connected with you after she has announced her choice.

6:51 PM

digforhelp

brin I feel it's the only way my wife can justify being with the OP.

6:52 PM

brin

digforhelp :51, Bingo!

6:52 PM

digforhelp

Swan she asked me if her grandmother ever asks me NOT to come. she doesn't but I didn't answer the question.

6:53 PM

Tiger

brin - @:51-- thanks... it took a lot for me not to do it, But you know, it’s getting easier to be nicer than anybody else right now..

6:54 PM

Swan

koko - she may have wanted to go because it means freedom to her, being adult and not having to answer to someone else daily, but that is also a lot of responsibility for any teenager, they just haven't realized it yet. Encourage her to do what she would be happy doing and let her know that college can always be something she goes back to, in fact one can never stop learning.

6:54 PM

koko

swan my W has also been talking more about divorce but yet invited me to eat dinner there tonight

6:55 PM

koko

swan@54 exactly what we did and what she wanted

6:56 PM

Swan

digforhelp - Well if the family should begin to stop inviting you and or ask you not to attend something, know in your heart they still love you, but you want to please your wife at this time, and there could also be an element of fear for them that if they don't do as she desires, they might lose her too.

6:57 PM

Swan

koko - it might have been what she wanted, but it appears maybe she needs a little more direct guidance and attending a school close while living at home, might be what is better for her at this time in her life.

7:00 PM

koko

swan we didn’t give her an option to go back we gave her smart choices closer to home

7:02 PM

digforhelp

Swan her sister told me she fears her sister locking her out of her life. So she says nothing.

7:02 PM

Swan

koko - sounds like you are giving her the best options for her at this time, if going to university is REALLY something she wants, she will use this time to earn it and prove that she will be serious about it, or she might just stay close to home and make the best of that option. Keep giving her loving guidance and eventually she will grow.

7:03 PM

brin

Swan all, I am going to go. Have a great week.

7:03 PM

Swan

digforhelp - that is common, Cricket's husband's family stopped all communication with her when he married the other woman, later they reconnected with her and told her how much they missed her and wanted to stay in contact with her but were afraid they would be locked out of her husband's life.

7:04 PM

Swan

brin - thanks for coming in, you have a great week too

7:06 PM

koko

Swan I think I made the mistake of moving out, I did it for what was best for my Ds and in laws, I could not afford house, I tried to make it work but couldn’t, I would have had to sell and move my Ds and did not want to disrupt their lives anymore

7:07 PM

Swan

koko - actually it sounds like you have many valid reasons for your choice and are behaving as a loving, caring man who is thinking of others.

7:11 PM

koko

swan it was my choice, but oh how I hate it here, don't sleep, a lot of lonely nights, not a lot to do in a small apartment, used to a big house with plenty to do

7:12 PM

digforhelp

good night everyone. happy new year.

7:15 PM

koko

swan I guess its goodnight I hope the new year starts off better for everyone

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7:02 PM

digforhelp

Swan her sister told me she fears her sister locking her out of her life. So she says nothing.

7:03 PM

Swan

digforhelp - that is common, Cricket's husband's family stopped all communication with her when he married the other woman, later they reconnected with her and told her how much they missed her and wanted to stay in contact with her but were afraid they would be locked out of her husband's life.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud