Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

New Year's Eve - 2012

6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have stopped extending invitations, preparing him food, doing his laundry...not because I don't love him, but because I felt like I was prolonging his journey by continuously reassuring him and maybe sometimes making him feel even guiltier. Your insight on this is appreciated. I just don't feel I need to keep reminding him of my commitment as he knows it is there. Also, by helping my sons understand that this is a transition of a man's life, it's the best way to help them with emotions and dealing with things. I certainly want them to avoid a drastic midlife journey if at all possible.

6:47 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Before I answer the question you posed, let me say that the best thing you can do for your sons to help them avoid a MLC is encourage them to grow. Most men neglect to set personal growth goals and trust that they will instinctively become who they need to be. Men who set goals and make plans to be better with each passing year tend to go through the midlife transition much better. This is one of the reasons we set up a character goal each year with our sons. You can read about how we did it in The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make. Now for your question, I think there is wisdom in not doing laundry, cooking and other regular behaviors. The reason is that MLC is about a critical decision in life. Men need to decide if they will "finish the course" of the life they have been building for twenty years. People tend to put off decisions until they feel they must make a choice. By imposing a little discomfort, you are doing what you can to encourage the decision.

 

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20

 

Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

 

December 31, 2012 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:06 PM

bill

Hello Challenger3

6:08 PM

challenger3

Hi Bill, Happy New Years Eve to you.

6:08 PM

bill

Thank you. This is always a special day as we usher in a new year and celebrate our oldest son's birthday.

6:09 PM

challenger3

Yes it is. What a blessing to have a child born on or around New Years.

6:09 PM

bill

I agree. It feels like the whole world celebrates with us!

6:09 PM

challenger3

Hi Hannah

6:13 PM

challenger3

Well the weather here is not as nice as I am sure yours is. We have had a mix of snow and sleet all day. I was going to drive to visit some friends but after talking with H and another friend I decided to stay home and keep us safe. I texted H to let him know and told him to be careful tonight with whatever he does. I have to say I am struggling right now and slowly I am realizing that I must love him more than he loves me.

6:14 PM

bill

Challenger3: We are certainly having better weather than snow and sleet. It is a little cold (35 at night) but we were able to take the grandkids to the beach for a couple of hours today (sorry to share that). I think being safe is a good thing but I am sorry you are having to reach a sad conclusion. It says a lot about you that you have the capacity to love him as much as you do. Let's keep praying his heart turns back your way.

6:14 PM

challenger3

Bill, I am surprised that there are not more on tonight.

6:14 PM

bill

challenger3: I wasn't sure what to expect tonight. I thought people would either be busy with their plans or looking to connect here. I figured it would either be very busy or light on attendance.

6:15 PM

bill

challenger3: Hopefully people are busy with people they care about.

6:16 PM

challenger3

Hey dumbfounded2...I was beginning to worry that I was the only one home on New Year’s Eve. Ha

6:17 PM

challenger3

Hey Tiger.

6:17 PM

Tiger

Hi Bill challenger dumbfounded

6:18 PM

dumbfounded2

Challenger3 - No. I am here. I just enjoyed a wonderful New Year's Eve dinner prepared by my 12 year old son. He has been learning to grill and he did a fabulous job! Proud of him.

6:19 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Congrats on the dinner from your 12 year old. That is awesome he is learning to grill. Go man!

6:18 PM

challenger3

bill, Yeah I think I go between does he not love me as much or is he just so self involved and does not love himself so he has a hard time facing me. He is just strange about things. When he is sick he really reaches out to me and talks to me a lot but he dropped the kids off to me somewhat unexpectedly on the 27th and has really been distant ever since.

6:18 PM

bill

challenger3: It is a hard road because our beloved MLCers go through so many ups and downs. They are hard to read and even harder to figure out. About the time we think we know what to expect, they change the rules and move a new direction. Learning to stay focused on the bigger picture rather than getting wrapped up with the details of their actions is one of the toughest lessons to learn.

6:20 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, Sounds wonderful!! I made cheeseburgers and french fries. I am home due to weather and not feeling too great tonight! Happy New years!

6:20 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - Hi. Seems you are having a wonderful day too!

6:20 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: I have been thrilled all week because my whole family is here with us. All three sons, two daughters-in-law and three grandkids. It is a rare treat.

6:21 PM

Tiger

bill- Christmas Eve went great. H called me about 2 and asked if he could come over about 4 and bring gifts for the grandsons. He did, we rode ATV's, he played with the kids, I asked him to stay for dinner, he said he wasn’t planning on it, but he did after dinner we open presents, he gave me a bottle of my favorite perfume, put one of the boys' toys together, when he left he hugged everyone good bye, including me.. Christmas day we texted on 3 separate times...... since then NOTHING

6:22 PM

bill

Tiger: Congrats on Christmas Eve. I am sorry H has "disappeared" since but it sounds like Christmas was a very good memory and ought to be hung onto for a while.

6:22 PM

challenger3

bill, Thanks. It is the hardest lesson to learn and continue on.

6:22 PM

bill

challenger3 I agree. It is so easy to read into each and everything but it usually doesn't mean as much as we think it does.

6:22 PM

Beth

Hi everyone. I thought I would drop in to see how is everyone is.

6:22 PM

Tiger

hi Beth

6:23 PM

challenger3

Tiger, how are you doing today?

6:23 PM

Beth

challenger3 Hi . how is your New year's Eve going?

6:23 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I re read some things on the ML website and it reminded me how the MLCer will become self involved if they allow the midlife transition to become a crisis. It reinforced my H's journey all the more. Today, I went to my H's job and left some financial papers on his truck seat (I text him a couple of weeks ago that I needed his signature, but he never came by). His truck is a testament to his troubles (dirty, uncared for, but he has his carton of cigarettes and 6 pack of beer all iced down and it is 40 degrees here. To prepare an ice chest with beer to be ready for after work says a lot about how lost he is.

6:23 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Wow, what a remarkable picture of the state people allow themselves to get into during ML.

6:23 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Hi. Hope you have enjoyed your holidays a bit.

6:24 PM

Beth

Tiger Hi have anything to do for New Year's Eve or are you working?

6:24 PM

Tiger

challenger3 - good, I got home at 8 this morning, read a little, got my 3 hrs of sleep, went for a ride in the woods on my ATV, went to mass, now I’m waiting on time to go to work.. how are you?

6:25 PM

Tiger

Beth - Oh I am working!!! it should be a FUN night.. ;)

6:25 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I enjoyed my Christmas so very much b/c H came over.. how was yours?

6:26 PM

Beth

Tiger I would say you will be this evening.

6:26 PM

Tiger

bill - so what do I do now? just sit back and give him his space?

6:26 PM

bill

Tiger: Great question. It is the one everyone asks because we want so badly to get back to where we loved life. The simple answer is, "Do what you have control over and trust God with the rest." It is, of course, not that simple in operation. It takes a lot of focus and maturity to keep growing personally, cultivate a positive attitude despite the constant disappointment, reach out to H whenever he gives you the opportunity without forcing it, stay connected with a supportive group of ladies and do all you can to help others in your family who are affected by H's actions.

6:26 PM

Beth

Tiger Be busy I meant.

6:29 PM

Tiger

Beth - mostly will be firework complaints.

6:29 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Good, but H has not appeared even after 12yr old son text him Merry Christmas, he still did not acknowledge him. Although, a couple of days ago, he showed up at his parents’ home 120 miles from here with his laundry. His parents were thrilled, but I can tell they kept the conversation very light and did not ask him any questions.

6:29 PM

challenger3

bill, having I meant to say. It sounded like he was defending why he was worried about us. I decided not to put us all out so I stayed home but he has not responded to me telling him that. He was very clear though that he did not know what he was doing but whatever it was someone else was driving because he had enough of scare when he hit a deer a few weeks ago. I don't know all of it is just so strange

6:29 PM

challenger3

bill, Yeah I figure as much. Each time I have had a conversation with him, he does not sound good. For example, Saturday night he said we had caught him right before bed and that was an unusually early time for him. Last night he said I have a headache and today he was at work and needed to go because he had to get back to work. I said well it sounds like you are worried about us being on the road. He said of course I am, it is pretty natural that I am based on the weather that we are having

6:29 PM

bill

Challenger3: The clearest thing you just shared is "all of it is just so strange." Your H sounds like someone who is unaccustomed to dealing with his emotional needs and those needs are now dominating his life. As a result, he is awkward, periodically self-destructive and gives explanations that defy normal logic.

6:29 PM

challenger3

Beth, Hey I have actually felt sick most of the day. I was taking the kids to visit some friends but due to not feeling great, the weather and basically H asking me not to go since it is so far away I stayed home. He said I am not trying to take your fun away and so I said well you know you can get hurt on nights like this as well. He said well if I do anything then they have to pick me up. If I go anywhere I will be there and stay there and I will be there by 7 p.m. I texted him that we

6:30 PM

Beth

Tiger I noticed cops around today giving tickets. Here they will be watching for driving and driving.

6:31 PM

challenger3

Beth, we are staying home and I hear nothing back. I have told a few and just sent the post to Bill that things were going well and then all of a sudden he always sounds down and says that he is tired or sick and barely reaching out to any of us.

6:32 PM

Beth

challenger3 Have you got the flu? I am familiar with that re my H. Not so much now but in earlier years.

6:32 PM

Tiger

Beth - we will have drinking and driving too, but our DUI team will be out...

6:33 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - My H surfaced last year during the holidays with gifts for the boys, but this year after much better communication during the last few months and he even brought me a birthday gift to my office in sept, he has disappeared. Could this be what they call "returning to the tunnel". The last thing he told me was he felt like a failure in so many areas of his life....I continue on to be the best person I can be and to make God proud, but I worry....Can you give me any insight into what H could be going through?

6:33 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Men in general feel lost when they don't know how to succeed (whether it is real or imagined). They often "disappear" at critical moments because they don't know what to do that will have a positive impact. In this sense, women tend to be better at talking things through until some kind of direction is found. Men naively hope that as time passes the problem will solve itself. I share this for the sake of any of us raising sons. Training them to work through awkward relational situations is a critical skill for them. In MLC, this trait becomes more pronounced. They get overwhelmed by a sense of failure. Rather than push through the barrier and seek a mutual solution, they run away hoping that when they return the problem will have been forgotten, healed or evaporated. Don't focus too long on this because it isn't a good strategy and the chances for success are slim so it doesn't make a lot of sense for men to do this but they do it nonetheless.

6:33 PM

Beth

Tiger maybe you have more cops there so you have different duties. I don't think it works that way here. But I could be wrong.

6:35 PM

Tiger

Beth - we are a pretty big agency... over 400 sworn

6:36 PM

challenger3

Beth, I don't know if I have the flu. I just know that I feel bad.

6:36 PM

Beth

bill oh if only they could/ would stop running and deal with things. If they would realize it is going to be there when they come back.

6:37 PM

Tiger

Thanks Bill. I know not to be pushy, I did send him a new year’s card... it just smile, this is a new year.. that’s all.. I continue to send him emails, like he said too, even though he never responds.. Why does he want me to send him emails when he never responds? And in some of them, not all, I put down at the end.. I love you unconditionally and I will forever. You are my soul mate, the love of my life.. He has never told me to stop.

6:37 PM

bill

Tiger: He still loves you even though he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life at this point. The fact that you email him without the expectation that he will email back makes you a safe person in his life as he goes through this journey. As long as you don't change the expectations, he probably will not ask you to stop emailing.

6:37 PM

Beth

Tiger I don't know how many sworn in but our police staff is not that big here.

6:38 PM

Beth

challenger3 Flu is common here this Christmas. I thought it may be your way too.

6:38 PM

bill

Beth@36: I so agree. In the end, the solution is not complicated. You all are here because you deeply love your MLCer and are willing to extend grace. If they would simply accept that the healing could start quickly.

6:40 PM

challenger3

Beth, Yeah the flu comes around here a lot as well. Just surprised if I have it because I rarely get sick. Kids and H always do and I am always fine.

6:40 PM

lalachrissie

hi all. happy new year

6:41 PM

Tiger

lalachrissie hi. happy new year to you too.

6:41 PM

challenger3

Hi Lala, How was New York or are you still there?

6:41 PM

challenger3

bill, I have an 8 and a half year old son. He loves his dad but is not happy with what he is doing and really is not happy with spending a lot of time with him. H plays games with him, watches his sports and takes him to play with friends kids. Otherwise, I don't see him showing him how to be a man. However, my son is quite the Mammas boy and he wants to stay with me and hates being away from me. Is there any advice for books etc that you have for me so that I can help him become a better

6:41 PM

bill

challenger3: On behalf of your son, thanks for being invested in his life and his growth. At 81/2 it is normal for him to be attached to you as his mom. It is good to hear that dad is still involved in his life even though it is awkward. Books I would recommend are: The 10 Best Decisions a Parent Can Make (Bill and Pam Farrel), Bringing up Boys (Dr. James Dobson), Wild at Heart (John Eldredge), The 10 Best Decisions a Man Can Make (Bill Farrel)

6:42 PM

lalachrissie

challenger3 it was fun. we've been home since Saturday. I’m exhausted!

6:42 PM

challenger3

lalachrissie, Good for you!!! It is always funny that you need rest from your vacation.

6:43 PM

challenger3

bill, I guess I am asking for some help in what to do to fill in the "gap" so to speak for a missing father and role model for being a husband and father. I want him to want more for himself and his family.

6:43 PM

bill

challenger3: The other step I would take is to pray for role models and mentors to come into his life naturally. This can be in the form of coaches, tutors, music teachers, youth group leaders (when he gets a little older), uncles, grandpas, etc.

6:44 PM

lalachrissie

challenger3 the girls had so much fun. it snowed the day after Christmas so they were super excited!

6:44 PM

challenger3

Bill, Thanks!

6:44 PM

Tiger

bill - I’m trying to do everything right. I have really turned it all over to God. I had someone tell me about 1 1/2 weeks ago.. I said God will only give me what he knows I can handle... the person said that’s not true... he will give you too much to handle so you will give it to him to handle. I thought about it and it makes sense. So I went to my quiet place by the river and said.. God I’m full, it’s all yours now, and whatever your will is, I will accept it.

6:44 PM

bill

Tiger: Wow that is very profound. If you stay on that track, I am confident God will bless you in expected and unexpected ways.

6:47 PM

lalachrissie

all- I’m feeling very discouraged. h went away for the third Christmas with ow to visit her family

6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have stopped extending invitations, preparing him food, doing his laundry...not because I don't love him, but because I felt like I was prolonging his journey by continuously reassuring him and maybe sometimes making him feel even guiltier. Your insight on this is appreciated. I just don't feel I need to keep reminding him of my commitment as he knows it is there. Also, by helping my sons understand that this is a transition of a man's life, it's the best way to help them with emotions and dealing with things. I certainly want them to avoid a drastic midlife journey if at all possible.

6:47 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Before I answer the question you posed, let me say that the best thing you can do for your sons to help them avoid a MLC is encourage them to grow. Most men neglect to set personal growth goals and trust that they will instinctively become who they need to be. Men who set goals and make plans to be better with each passing year tend to go through the midlife transition much better. This is one of the reasons we set up a character goal each year with our sons. You can read about how we did it in The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make. Now for your question, I think there is wisdom in not doing laundry, cooking and other regular behaviors. The reason is that MLC is about a critical decision in life. Men need to decide if they will "finish the course" of the life they have been building for twenty years. People tend to put off decisions until they feel they must make a choice. By imposing a little discomfort, you are doing what you can to encourage the decision.

6:48 PM

Tiger

lalachrissie -:(

6:49 PM

challenger3

lalachrissie, Sorry..((((HUGS))))

6:50 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, I am like you. Very worried that my son will do this as well. I do not want to see that happen although I have to realize that daughters can do it as well.

6:51 PM

Tiger

bill - I do have all the faith in the world that God will lead H back to me.. I have had people tell me do not get your hopes up.. well, that’s kind of hard not to do. Right now all I have is hope and faith.. Is it wrong for me to put so much in my faith?

6:51 PM

bill

Tiger: I have a hard time saying it is wrong to hold onto to hope and faith. The challenge is that these two "risks" make you vulnerable. Your rejoicing will be bigger with every victory and your heartache will be deeper with every setback. As long as you are willing to experience both, hang on to them.

6:52 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - One of the most difficult things as a woman to do it to "Do nothing" and allow God to work on our H's. I have found that all the running around, fixing, nurturing and mothering is too exhausting to continue. I know that I am wired to do these things, but the MLC journey does not require my help.

6:52 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Well said. It is not a happy conclusion but it is a true one!

6:52 PM

lalachrissie

btw, d11 just made the most amazing chocolate chocolate chip cookies. best I’ve ever had. I’ll share her recipe. WOW!

6:53 PM

Tiger

lalachrissie - cool , I’d love to have the recipe

6:53 PM

bill

lalachrissie: That is awesome. There is nothing quite like "amazing chocolate chip cookies!"

6:54 PM

lalachrissie

Bill - I just don't know anymore. he shows no interest in ever returning, he won’t even tell me he's picking up the girls, he makes all arrangements with them. it's like I don't exist

6:54 PM

bill

lalachrissie: Your comment is a good reminder that our decisions will be easier to live with if we base them on what we know about God rather than on what our spouses are currently doing.

6:56 PM

challenger3

all, I am jealous of your kids cooking and baking for you!!! HA

6:56 PM

bill

lalachrissie and everyone: AS we enter a new year, I want to remind all of us that God loves us more than we realize. He died on the cross for you because you are so valuable it took an infinite, eternal sacrifice to buy your salvation. Your own efforts are valuable enough to cover the priceless nature of who you are. Jesus figured out how to make a payment big enough to afford you. I know you often feel rejected, invisible and discarded by current circumstances. Just don't ever forget how valuable you are to God in the midst of the hurt and disappointment.

6:57 PM

lalachrissie

challenger3 to be fair, my oldest daughter wants to be a pastry chef and has an internship at a bakery as well as a blog about baking...her little sister is just following

6:58 PM

challenger3

bill, I show him my commitment to him by being available when he wants to talk and making sure that the kids pick out gifts for special occasions-father’s day, his birthday and Christmas. I try to listen and respect his requests especially when it has to do with kids. Other than that I do not help him. I have signed my part of the divorce agreement but he is scared of being garnished for some back medical. I have been working with him so it is figured out but really I feel like I have let

6:58 PM

challenger3

Bill let him go and trying to make sure he feels his consequences. Although money wise he is suffering and sounds like he is suffering emotionally as well. He seems to be in the same place that I met him. Hanging with friends and figuring that he will pay for everything later. Well later is slowly coming up.

6:58 PM

bill

challenger3: thanks for sharing. You are a good example of how to "do the right thing" because it is good for you without endorsing bad behavior. Blessings!

6:58 PM

lalachrissie

bill thank you. it's so hard to keep faith when it seems like it would just be easier to give up

6:58 PM

bill

lalachrissie Amen!

6:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - Thank you. I just want to continue with grace, but I felt by continuing to make life comfortable for H while he is out of our home was not the best thing for him at this time. He is actually in such a fog that I don't think he really misses all the little things I did for him now. I think when he began to come around and have dinner with me and S12 and experience those things again, he felt pressure and ran, but he must continue his journey

6:59 PM

bill

dumbfounded2 Again, well said.

7:01 PM

Swan

All - Bill will need to leave us at the regular time tonight, but remember chat will remain for an additional hour for New Year's Eve/

7:01 PM

Tiger

bill - just one more question tonight for me.... sometimes I have a hard time not calling, because I’m afraid H will think I don’t care anymore. I don’t know if that a common issue with us or not? I dang sure don’t want him to say, well she quit calling and texting so I guess she doesn’t care so I will move on without her... does that make any sense?

7:01 PM

bill

Tiger: What you are saying makes sense but you are projecting your feelings onto him. If roles were reversed you would conclude he doesn't care because he quit calling. It is unlikely he is thinking that. I am confident he knows you love him, want the relationship back, would do almost anything to reconcile and would love to talk every day. Stay in contact with him at the same rate you would any good friend and be reassured he knows you are still interested.

7:01 PM

Tiger

hey hannah

7:02 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - Where can I get the books about Ten steps for building character for my son?

7:02 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Our website: www.love-wise.com. ON the top menu, click on resources: parenting.

7:03 PM

Tiger

all- as usual Bill thank you, you are a very big help to us, and I hope I can speak for everyone... anyway.. good night all.. happy New Year... I’m going to hit the streets..

7:04 PM

challenger3

Tiger Be careful! Happy new year!

7:04 PM

bill

Everyone: Since my grandkids are here, I am going to sign off and get back to loving on them. I wish you all a new year of wisdom, divine guidance and remarkable grace. You are very courageous collection of individuals and I will consistently pray that God provides, sustains and demonstrates His love for you in ways that keep you encouraged.

7:05 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, I will be with you for the next hour tonight, so Bill can be with his family. Thanks Bill for being here with us tonight.

7:05 PM

hannah

Hi everybody

7:06 PM

hannah

Popped in earlier but Bill had it under control

7:07 PM

Swan

hannah - Hey lady, how have you been? Glad you are here to help with the second hour.

7:08 PM

Bluesky

hello

7:08 PM

hannah

Swan I am well thanks. How was your Christmas?

7:08 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Hi nice to see you tonight too.

7:08 PM

hannah

Bluesky, how was your Christmas?

7:09 PM

Bluesky

hannah Swan you too. Good, thanks, had my kids with me.

7:09 PM

Bluesky

hannah and you?

7:09 PM

Swan

hannah - It was very nice, we went down to my daughter's.

7:10 PM

Bluesky

challenger, dumbfounded and lala, how are you? I haven't talked with you guys for a bit

7:14 PM

hannah

Bluesky spent Christmas with family and tonight I am alone, well me and the four kitties!!

7:14 PM

Swan

hannah - four kittens, that is fun!

7:15 PM

hannah

Swan well four cats! Not exactly kittens.

7:15 PM

Swan

hannah - still cut, just more sleeping and less playing

7:16 PM

Bluesky

hannah ahh love on those baby cats. My d is playing with our cat right now.

7:16 PM

hannah

Just love those cats.

7:17 PM

Bluesky

Swan it must have been wonderful to be with you kids this year?

7:18 PM

Swan

Bluesky - it was, I usually spend Christmas with my brother, sister and her family, missed them but did really love being with my children and grandson.

7:19 PM

Bluesky

challenger, lala, dumbfounded, hello

7:23 PM

Bluesky

well, it’s quiet, I will say goodnight and Happy New Year all.

7:24 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Night Blue

7:26 PM

hannah

Swan did you speak to your brother and sister over the Christmas?

7:26 PM

Swan

hannah - Yes, we talked I just didn't get to see them this year

7:30 PM

hannah

dumbfounded what did you do over the Christmas? and are you alone this evening?

7:35 PM

Swan

So does anyone have special plans to ring in the New Year?

7:37 PM

hannah

Swan, no, this is the first year I have been alone, and I don't mind it. I guess other people thought I had plans which is fine. From looking at facebook I think my single friends are at home too! Do you have plans?

7:38 PM

Swan

hannah - I personally like to stay in on New Year’s Eve, don't like to risk being out around the super party people, who refuse to accept that they have no business trying to drive.

7:39 PM

hannah

Swan agree.

7:40 PM

Swan

hannah - My daughter and son in law came up to my son's, so we are celebrating together, we'll watch a movie and play some games later, then ring in the New Year together.

7:40 PM

hannah

Swan the last year my h was here I wanted to have a dinner party with a murder mystery and invite just close friends. I bought the game but we never got to play it because he left in November!

7:40 PM

hannah

Swan that will be nice.

7:41 PM

hannah

Dumbfounded do you have any plans tonight?

7:41 PM

Swan

hannah - that would be fun, there is a murder mystery dinner theater here, I had gone to it a couple times the last time I lived here, so much fun

 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.
  Be A Chat Room Sponsor



6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have stopped extending invitations, preparing him food, doing his laundry...not because I don't love him, but because I felt like I was prolonging his journey by continuously reassuring him and maybe sometimes making him feel even guiltier. Your insight on this is appreciated. I just don't feel I need to keep reminding him of my commitment as he knows it is there. Also, by helping my sons understand that this is a transition of a man's life, it's the best way to help them with emotions and dealing with things. I certainly want them to avoid a drastic midlife journey if at all possible.

6:47 PM

bill

dumbfounded2: Before I answer the question you posed, let me say that the best thing you can do for your sons to help them avoid a MLC is encourage them to grow. Most men neglect to set personal growth goals and trust that they will instinctively become who they need to be. Men who set goals and make plans to be better with each passing year tend to go through the midlife transition much better. This is one of the reasons we set up a character goal each year with our sons. You can read about how we did it in The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make. Now for your question, I think there is wisdom in not doing laundry, cooking and other regular behaviors. The reason is that MLC is about a critical decision in life. Men need to decide if they will "finish the course" of the life they have been building for twenty years. People tend to put off decisions until they feel they must make a choice. By imposing a little discomfort, you are doing what you can to encourage the decision.

Register to read more...

Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud