Midlife Dimensions

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Thanksgiving - 11/22/12

6:44 PM

misdiz

swan - yes I'm not going to go. Now if I could only stop checking his phone records......

6:46 PM

swan

misdiz - YOU CAN, you don't want to, but again you are the only one you are hurting by looking. Knowing what is on his phone records isn't going to change anything, just create hurt for you and extreme anger and mistrust by him when he finds out and eventually he will, they always do somehow.

 

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November 22, 2012 / Thursday 6-7 pm PST / Thanksgiving Day Special

6:01 PM

swan

Hello everyone, welcome to Midlife Dimensions Thanksgiving Day Special chat.

6:01 PM

Tiger

hey swan

6:02 PM

Tiger

Did you enjoy Thanksgiving with your family?

6:03 PM

swan

Tiger - Yes, I am at my daughter's today, I'll head back home in a couple hours

6:03 PM

Tiger

swan - that’s nice. how is the weather?

6:04 PM

swan

Tiger - warm, it is was in 70's today

6:04 PM

Tiger

swan - same here. It was beautiful. my grandsons played outside all day. I felt really weird.... it’s the first thanksgiving that haven’t spent with my H in 14 yrs. what was weird was, it was only my kids, grandsons, and Ex H... the kids' dad. I m like ok here I am at a holiday with my EX and why the heck isn’t my H here.

6:07 PM

swan

Tiger - unfortunately "the firsts" are hard and I never realized how many of them there were until I had to live them.   With my husband haven't been a Marine, we spent many holidays apart, but we always talked, even when he was in Saudi Arabia, but after he went into MLC, it gave an all new meaning to being alone on the holidays.

6:09 PM

Tiger

swan - I know about being alone... I hate this house right now..... It just didn’t seem like Thanksgiving...I know I got my kids to be thankful for but I sure the heck miss my H....my EX and I get along fine. Neither of us wanted to be married but we had kids so we stayed together for the kids...ONLY. My H and EX have sat at many a dinner table together.... it was just weird today.

6:10 PM

Tiger

swan - all the kids texted H and wished him Happy Thanksgiving... and I didn’t tell them to do it.

6:11 PM

swan

Hello kimmygirl, Welcome to MLD. We're here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or names. Now, here's how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person(s) you want to speak to before your entry. 2) If you post an entry before you're done, then start your next entry with the name followed by "continued". 3) Use the words "To All" for a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you'd like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We'll have them contact you to exchange information. Feel free to just watch, or join right in. Some of us have known each other for many years and may be talking about fun stuff, but we're here to help and encourage you, so don't feel like you're interrupting. If you don't get to see some of the replies to your questions, then check the archives at www.midlife.com later.

6:12 PM

Tiger

swan - I know everyone says there will come a time that you just say... oh well, it’s his loss if he doesn’t come back, but how long before you get there?

6:12 PM

Tiger

hi kimmygirl

6:13 PM

kimmygirl123

Hi Tiger

6:13 PM

swan

kimmygirl123 - tonight is a special chat because of Thanksgiving, glad you joined us. We may have others joining us soon.

6:13 PM

kimmygirl123

Swan, thank you. I stumbled on this by accident but thought I would join in. A while ago I read over some archives which really helped.

6:14 PM

swan

Tiger - can't say I still haven't gotten to that point. My husband is missing so much and he will not be able to get any of it back, for now he is making his choice and all I can do is continue to live in obedience to God's call for me, pray for my husband, the other woman and continue to live my life forward.

6:15 PM

kimmygirl123

Tiger how long has your H been gone?

6:16 PM

swan

kimmygirl123 - please continue to join us, especially on Monday evenings when Bill is in the room.

6:16 PM

Tiger

swan - I know, I don’t know if I will ever get there either. some days I make myself say... this is his choice not mine... I am a good person I didn’t do anything wrong and if he doesn’t come back that’s his loss.... then I start crying...

6:16 PM

Tiger

kimmygirl123 - almost 7 months now.

6:17 PM

kimmygirl123

Swan - Bill is here then? This is wonderful! Wow wish I had stumbled across this over a year ago.

6:17 PM

Tiger

kimmygirl123 - is you H gone? how long?

6:20 PM

kimmygirl123

Tiger E would you mind telling me a bit about your sitch? Curious if yours bolted and ran like mine. within the last 18 months my husband of 18 years (together of 21 years total) left, filed for divorce, moved in with Ow, and continues to make my life pretty miserable with the worst behavior I have no just had to accept. What I can't figure out is if this is MLC or if he really was like this all along. It's like his quirks, idiosyncrasies, or not so hot part of him just went KA BOOM

6:20 PM

swan

Tiger - I agree this is my husband's choice and not one I made or would have, but I also have to accept some of the responsibilities, we both did things that aided in the path, we just made different choices and actions. That is one of the things we need to look at for ourselves, how can we grow so that when our spouse's come back we can reconnect for a lasting restoration.

6:21 PM

swan

kimmygirl123 - Yes, Bill is here most Monday's and he has a wealth of wisdom for us during these struggles.

6:22 PM

Tiger

swan - Yeah I didn’t mean it to sound like our marriage was ALL his fault. we both had a part in it. I have calmed down tremendously since he left. I have had numerous people tell me how good the calm looks on me... I just wish he would see how much I have grown. but how can he when he hardly ever comes around?

6:23 PM

Tiger

kimmygirl123 - we’ve been together for 14 yrs, married for 12. last May all of a sudden he jumped up from watching TV and said I can’t do this anymore... within 2 weeks he was out on his own.

6:24 PM

swan

kimmygirl123 - no one can hide being like they are now for that many years, the underlying issues were most likely there and he had been stuffing them all this time and try as he might he is unable to stuff it anymore, the issues are insisting on coming out and being dealt with and until he comes face to face with them and comes to terms with them, he and sadly everyone around him is in for a bumpy ride.

6:25 PM

Tiger

kimmygirl123 - swan is so right... I hope you like roller coasters.... if you did, you won’t after this ride.

6:26 PM

kimmygirl123

Swan- Thank you for that. I know this but I guess I still just can't believe the anger and projection this man is capable of. All I can say is like it's he's gone full blown narcissistic. Then he calms down and starts to peek out of that tunnel and acts like the man I married, and then I guess the wind turns direction and here we go again. He's now being mean to our daughters. LOL.... I never liked roller coasters but after this ride I think I could handle the craziest one at 6 flags!! LOl.

6:27 PM

swan

Tiger - I'm not really sure how it happens, but they somehow know what is happening with us. My husband hasn't seen or spoken to me in years, yet he seems to know things about my life. My children say he will make comments about me and they know they didn't say anything to him. I don't know who he is talking to, but he is learning about my changes from someplace.

6:29 PM

Tiger

swan - I guess they have spies.... lol

6:31 PM

Tiger

kimmygirl123 - I use to LOVE roller coasters, I could hang with the kids all day long and ride them all over and over again.... But I will never get on another one as long as I live; I've had my fair share in the last 7 months.

6:32 PM

Tiger

swan - I’m glad today is over with... now if I can just make it through my birthday and Christmas

6:34 PM

swan

Tiger - if you ask my husband he cares nothing about me, doesn't want to know anything about me, etc. but when he and the kids talk, he seems to have information all the same, which, yes means he was talking to someone about me, not spies exactly, more likely well meaning friends and/or family who are not in agreement with his life choice and will somehow toss my name out and see where it goes from there. And then there are the out right questions he will ask others, but then says he really wasn't expecting a detail response, he was just being polite.

6:35 PM

swan

Tiger - you will make it through, we often feel like we won't, in fact just breathing seems impossible sometimes, but with God's grace and mighty hand we make it one day at a time, sometimes on minute at a time.

6:35 PM

Tiger

swan - I know mine still cares about me... why would he want me to keep emailing him or sending him cards, why would he still have contact with my BF or My kids.

6:35 PM

Tiger

misdiz hi

6:36 PM

misdiz

Tiger hi. Boy today was harder than I thought!

6:36 PM

Tiger

swan - was determined not to call him today and wish him Happy Thanksgiving... but I couldn’t do it... I called and he wished me one too.

6:36 PM

Tiger

misdiz - oh yeah?

6:37 PM

misdiz

Tiger - yes I didn’t think I was going to miss him this much

6:38 PM

Tiger

misdiz - yeah, I never realized how much I could miss someone either. I missed my D when she went off 600 miles to college at the age of 18... but heck I got over that.... this still hurts just as much if not more than the day he left.

6:39 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I feel so empty and incomplete without him

6:39 PM

misdiz

He called me to wish me Happy Thanksgiving and same not much to be happy about and he says "why, what's wrong"? I was like nothing. How does he not get it? Then I texted him tonight and said it feels wrong not having him with his family and he replied “weird I know". I said its wrong, you belong with your family and he didn’t reply

6:40 PM

misdiz

Tiger - I feel the exact same way and its killing me to not drive around the block to see if he's at the "friends" house

6:40 PM

Tiger

misdiz - you probably shouldn’t tell him he’s wrong... just act happy and chipper... believe me I know how hard that is.

6:41 PM

Tiger

misdiz - don’t do that... just let it go...

6:41 PM

misdiz

Tiger - I know I shouldn’t say that but I just think I wanted him to know that

6:41 PM

Tiger

misdiz - get some books and start reading... do you know I know why my H lives, but I have yet to go over there.

6:42 PM

Tiger

misdiz - he knows it... you don’t have to tell him

6:42 PM

misdiz

Tiger - No I'm not leaving my house. I tried to get books but they didn’t have any of the good ones.   Couldn’t even order them

6:42 PM

Tiger

misdiz - do you have an ipad or kindle?

6:43 PM

misdiz

Tiger - How does he know it when he says the total opposite?   yes I have an Ipad and A nook

6:43 PM

swan

misdiz - ask yourself why you would want to do that to yourself, if he is at the friend’s house it will cause you pain, if he isn't there then you will wonder if she is with him, either way your mind will start running and most of it could not be true, but the pain it will cause will be very real. These are the types of things you just have to let go.

6:44 PM

misdiz

swan - yes I'm not going to go. Now if I could only stop checking his phone records......

6:44 PM

Tiger

misdiz - he doesn’t know what he’s saying or doing right now. You can go to Amazon.com and download some very good books there. I have an I pad and I have a whole lot on there...

6:45 PM

misdiz

Tiger - I think that’s impressive that you don’t go by his place

6:45 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I checked phone records twice, then I decided... this is stupid... stop doing this to yourself... so I did

6:45 PM

misdiz

Tiger - do you need an app?

6:46 PM

swan

misdiz - YOU CAN, you don't want to, but again you are the only one you are hurting by looking. Knowing what is on his phone records isn't going to change anything, just create hurt for you and extreme anger and mistrust by him when he finds out and eventually he will, they always do somehow.

6:46 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I’m not saying that I haven’t wanted too. But I know that is the wrong thing to do and one of us has to keep doing the right thing now. I’ve never even come close by his house...

6:47 PM

misdiz

sawn - He thinks he changed the username and password but he actually created a second one and I still have mine. But I agree with you. I know it’s only hurting me. I’m stupid

6:47 PM

Tiger

misdiz - yes, download the kindle app. for free and you will be set. My husband’s midlife crisis is downloadable, holding on to heaven while my marriage goes through hell; they are both really good books.

6:48 PM

Tiger

misdiz - you are not stupid.... what you were DOING is stupid.... you are in love and totally confused right now.

6:49 PM

misdiz

Tiger - ok thanks. Is My husband’s midlife crisis by Sally Conway?

6:49 PM

Tiger

misdiz – yes

6:50 PM

misdiz

Tiger yes I am so confused, angry, hurt and 5 million other things right now

6:51 PM

Tiger

misdiz - hope for the separated by Gary Chapman, I love you but I’m not in love with you, the 5 love languages, I have them all.

6:51 PM

misdiz

Tiger - wow you've read a lot

6:52 PM

Tiger

misdiz right now I’m reading holding onto heaven... very good book... I was never a reader but since this... God gave me wisdom to search out and learn all I can about MLC and relationship... I have lots of others that I have ordered from Amazon.com

6:53 PM

misdiz

Tiger - yes that’s what I'm doing. Trying to understand this illness as I do believe it is one

6:54 PM

Tiger

misdiz - this may sound crazy... but I have downloaded 26 on my Ipad and I probably have another 15 in paperback... that’s all I do know is read these books and the bible...

6:54 PM

Tiger

misdiz - do you like country and western music? Alan Jackson?

6:55 PM

misdiz

Tiger - no I don’t think it’s crazy. I think it’s trying to fine peace in a horrible emotional battle within yourself. No I don’t like country

6:55 PM

swan

Tiger - well if that is crazy, I am the queen of insanity, I have read the Bible several times over, and between the books I have read, listened to on cd and on my Kindle, I have a library. I am talking five large CD's cases, four book shelves and many downloads kind of insanity. But I choose to think of it as "crazy like a fox" because I have learned so much from reading and listening.

6:56 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I downloaded his wife’s book she wrote... It’s all about him by Denise Jackson... it’s a good story of how they met, married, he left had affairs, she joined a bible study group...greww, he came back, they are happy..

6:57 PM

Tiger

swan - cool. I never realized how you can enjoy reading before.

6:57 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I think I read the Jackson book in 2 days.

6:58 PM

misdiz

Tiger - I'm going to have to get these all. Anyway you can email the title and authors to me?

6:58 PM

swan

welcome dumbfounded

6:58 PM

misdiz

hi dumbfounded2

6:58 PM

Tiger

misdiz - sure... swan can she give me her email in here?

6:58 PM

dumbfounded2

misdiz- Hey everyone!

6:58 PM

Tiger

hey dumbfounded... how’s it going

6:59 PM

swan

Tiger - no, I will get it and give it to you

6:59 PM

Tiger

swan - ok... you see that misdiz

6:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Going well. Just got home from Wal-Mart black Friday sale! Wow! I am good for another 10 years until I do that again.

6:59 PM

misdiz

Tiger Yes I gave it to her

6:59 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - lol... I am not looking forwarded to working tonight... crazy people cutting in line.

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - I am late, but have y'all been discussing good books to read?

7:00 PM

misdiz

dumbfounded wow already shopping? I haven’t started that yet

7:00 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 -yep we are

7:01 PM

Tiger

misdiz - I got your email, it’ll probably be tomorrow before I send them I have to go to work in a few minutes.

7:01 PM

misdiz

Tiger - no rush. thanks

7:01 PM

dumbfounded2

misdiz- Well, part of my staying busy stuff. Holidays have always been a big thing for me and our family and it has not been the same the past 2 years, but I am trying to rebuild my joy again.

7:02 PM

misdiz

dumbfounded2 - Yes this was hard today. I feel your pain. I wish I could do something. Just going to go to sleep.

7:02 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - My D got her tree up yesterday and when I was over there today, I noticed all the ornament my H and I have given to the kids from all the vacations we have been on... that was hard to see.

7:03 PM

misdiz

dumbfounded2 - I'm sorry. I was thinking of all our ornaments too. 1st Christmas together, all the kids births

7:04 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - Yeah, those things are hard, but I try to remember my H before he lost his mind. Right now he is not the man that I am proud to call my husband and father to our children. Lately, I realize more and more that this MLC has very little to do with me and kids.

7:05 PM

misdiz

dumbfounded2 - I think it’s just all about him, him, him. No one and nothing else matters

7:05 PM

Tiger

well everyone I hate to leave such good company but I have to go to work and try to keep these crazy people in line.... but them being crazy is what we call... Job Security.   lol

7:05 PM

misdiz

Tiger good night

7:06 PM

dumbfounded2

misdiz - It is all about him because he is in such a fog emotionally and physically that he can't give anymore than that. My H is a walking "mess". He will tell you he is not living, but just surviving.

7:07 PM

misdiz

dumbfounded2 - doesn’t it make you wonder why they do it than

7:07 PM

swan

All - please begin to wrap up tonight and join us again tomorrow night. Blessings and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend.

7:09 PM

misdiz

swan thank you. same to you

7:11 PM

misdiz

good night dumbfounded

7:11 PM

dumbfounded2

misdiz - No. Because I really believe in MLC and have read all the Conway books and my husband is a walking MLC script. I honestly believe he doesn’t do anything to intentionally hurt our family, but he just doesn’t have anything else to give now,

7:11 PM

swan

goodnight ladies, see you next chat; I am going to get back to my family now.

7:11 PM

dumbfounded2

To all - Goodnight!

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6:44 PM

misdiz

swan - yes I'm not going to go. Now if I could only stop checking his phone records......

6:46 PM

swan

misdiz - YOU CAN, you don't want to, but again you are the only one you are hurting by looking. Knowing what is on his phone records isn't going to change anything, just create hurt for you and extreme anger and mistrust by him when he finds out and eventually he will, they always do somehow.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud