Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

Mother's Day - 5/8/11

7:27PM

MAS

Cricket I tried to explain to him that there needs to be a balance, but of course he doesn't want to hear it. I do think that is what caused one of the big problems in our marriage..the lack of time together.

7:28PM

Cricket

MAS - YES but we can't explain things to them. If your H admitted that this was at least as much his fault, he'd have no excuse for his behavior and he isn't ready to change yet.

 


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May 08, 2011 / Sunday 6-7 pm PST / CR#1

6:01PM

Joey

Welcome everyone! Happy Mother's Day! Holy Spirit we invite you into this time of fellowship and ask that You lead and guide our time together!

6:01PM

Joey

Hi Swan and Nutterbutter!

6:01PM

plumcrazy

hello

6:01PM

nutterbutter

Hi Joey and Plum

6:01PM

nutterbutter

Happy Mother's Day!

6:01PM

Joey

Hi plumcrazy!

6:02PM

Swan

Hello everyone, how are you tonight?

6:02PM

plumcrazy

Happy Mother’s Day ladies

6:02PM

nutterbutter

Hi Swan, almost didn't see you there :)

6:02PM

plumcrazy

Swan Good; How about you?

6:03PM

Joey

hi Lalachrissie and Mas!

6:03PM

Joey

Hi Cricket!!!!

6:03PM

lalachrissie

hi all Happy Mother's Day!

6:03PM

nutterbutter

Swan : I'm good, just icing my knee.

6:03PM

MAS

Joey Hi Joey.

6:03PM

MAS

Hello everyone.

6:03PM

Swan

plumcrazy - doing good, I was off today so got to relax some, talked with both of my children and grandson today, so that is always a plus.

6:03PM

plumcrazy Cricket

Happy Mother's Day all.... hope you are all doing well.

6:03PM

 

nutterbutter What did you do?

6:04PM

nutterbutter

Hi Cricket, Lalachrissie and Mas

6:04PM

MAS

Joey Was there prayer group tonight? I don't remember receiving anything from Alaneous.

6:05PM

MAS

nutterbutter Hi, how are you this evening?

6:05PM

nutterbutter

plumcrazy : I wore heels today. A few years back the doctor said I had arthritis in both knees. For some reason they have been bothering me.

6:05PM

Swan

MAS - Did you see your daughter today, hope it went well.

6:05PM

Joey

Guys, keep Alaneous in your prayers, she has one of her cats missing and is afraid a coyote may have gotten it. She's really upset about it.

6:05PM

Cricket

Swan - I got a kindle for my birthday....my gift to myself.... haven't used it yet, but you convinced me. Amazon offered a discounted price but it displays advertisements.... for the difference I thought I could handle the Ads.

6:05PM

nutterbutter

MAS : Other than my knees I'm good, how about you?

6:05PM

MAS

lalachrissie Hi, happy Mother's Day. How are things?

6:06PM

Cricket

Joey - Oh I am so sorry. I completely understand her worry. In past years I lost cats to wildlife so started keeping them inside only.   Still once in a great while one gets out & it scares me to death.

6:06PM

Joey

MAS yes, I had to cover for her. look at my 9:05 post. She's been swamped for the past week and wasn't able to send out request but it’s always the same time every Sun. night.

6:06PM

Swan

Cricket - My sister in law has one of those and she loves it, I keep threatening to get one for myself, maybe I'll put it on my birthday list.

6:06PM

plumcrazy

Cricket Got a nice potted arrangement for Mothers Day from my H. I thanked H for it HE said that they were from the kids. I said Yeah but you went and got them. H said "Well your kids wouldn’t go." I said maybe you should have told them what you had in mind and they would have went with you to the store. He had asked the kids if they wanted to go with him

6:06PM

MAS

nutterbutter I am really missing my H today. Our anniversary is tomorrow and I know I won't be hearing from him.

6:06PM

lalachrissie

MAS I'm doing well. Keeping busy this week. Got an email from H today saying happy mother's day, thank you for being an amazing mom thought that was very sweet of him

6:06PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : I'd be interested in knowing how that Kindle works for you. I'm considering getting one for myself, I read quite a bit.

6:06PM

Swan

Cricket - Sounds fun and you will have to share a little something about all the books you will be getting read.

6:07PM

Cricket

Swan - SO she isn't bothered by the Ads?

6:07PM

plumcrazy

nutterbutter I know my knees have been bothering me lately too; Arthritis too Maybe it is the weather Where do you live?

6:07PM

Joey

lalachrissie that’s great! PTL!

6:07PM

MAS

Joey Oh my, I am so sorry about Alaneous' cat!

6:07PM

nutterbutter

Mas : aww...((((((mas))))))

6:07PM

lalachrissie

MAS Anniversaries are hard. Imagine they are hard for our h's too

6:07PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - One reason I decided to get one is that I ran out of room to store my books....

6:08PM

nutterbutter

plumcrazy :Midwest, it's been damp and very cool a lot.

6:08PM

plumcrazy

Cricket LOL Were you getting buried under your books?

6:08PM

Joey

MAS let us be the first to say Happy Anniversary bc that’s the way God will see in tomorrow. Our hugs and prayers for you are your blanket of comfort tomorrow!

6:08PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : I know what you mean, I have quite a few books myself and always finding more.

6:08PM

Swan

Cricket - No, the ads don't seem to bother her, I was reading with it the last time I was up visiting, I don't remember there being any ads, maybe because yours is new. Next time I talk to her I will ask about the ads.

6:09PM

plumcrazy

nutterbutter Must be the weather then. We have had that same kind of weather and I have been having lots of issues

6:10PM

MAS

Swan Yes, I did see my D, thank you for asking. You will be pleased to know that I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I think she was quite surprised. I don't expect any major changes in our relationship, but I'm happy I did it, and I am feeling good about it.

6:10PM

Joey

Cricket and Swan, Molly just got a kindle from the boys for her bday I can ask her about ads too.

6:10PM

nutterbutter

plumcrazy : I figure the same thing. It's the weather...I might go in for a few physical therapy sessions for awhile. They do seem to help.

6:10PM

Joey

Hi Dogwood!

6:10PM

Cricket

plumcrazy - VERY GOOD that you thanked him... but don't critique him with telling him he should have told them what he had in mind...   let him take the credit... this is not the time to protect the kids but just affirm him. The better response would be just to tell him that you are so thankful that he did this for you AND on behalf of the kids.

6:10PM

dogwood

all good evening. happy Mother's Day to all mothers. hope you had a good day

6:10PM

lalachrissie

dogwood hello

6:10PM

MAS

Joey I thought perhaps it was canceled because of Mother's Day...wasn't sure.

6:11PM

dogwood

lalachrissie I have been thinking about you and hope you had a super day today

6:11PM

nutterbutter

dogwood : Hi dogwood and thank you.

6:11PM

plumcrazy

nutterbutter I have been getting the Synvisic shots for a couple of yrs But last yr right before retreat I got one and my knee swelled up some and hurt. I was in pain at retreat. then when I got back I got the 2nd and it swelled so much I couldn’t walk Had a bad reaction Can’t take it anymore

6:11PM

Joey

Mas, it was a small group but still good. :)

6:11PM

Cricket

Joey - They offered a big discount on a version of the Kindle because it displays AD, I figured for the price break I could handle the Ads.   Someone asked me what if the ad comes up in a good part of a book. Hadn't thought about that so we'll see.

6:11PM

lalachrissie

dogwood the girls and I have had a very nice weekend. Mostly shopping and eating. Can't complain!

6:11PM

Swan

MAS - there might not be anything major at first, but in time and with God's hand it will change. You better than anyone knows that people can change and for the better too. You have become so strong and your outlook on so much is becoming very positive, it can happen for your daughter too.

6:12PM

dogwood

MAS I am so glad what you did to your daughter. God bless you

6:12PM

MAS

lalachrissie @06 What a praise! That must have made you feel really good.

6:12PM

nutterbutter

plumcrazy : Oh wow Plum. I've never tried the shots. They do prescribe me some pain meds. I don't like to take them though, they make me feel kind of loopy...

6:12PM

plumcrazy

Cricket I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t think it was criticism but now I can see that he might take it that way

6:13PM

Cricket

MAS - lalachrissie is right, anniversaries are hard and yes although most of us never hear from our h's at that time, we know and I've heard even from my H that they think of us. The funny thing is that they probably think of us more when they try to avoid contact.

6:13PM

Joey

Cricket hehehe I understand jumping on a good deal even if you have to deal somewhat with the ads! :)

6:14PM

nutterbutter

Bluesky: Hi

6:14PM

dogwood

lalachrissie Great!   my daughter and SIL came to pick me up and we went to church together and then, she treated me for brunch with a nice ocean view in one of my favorite restaurant. Although we did not have enough time to have any deep talk, but it was nice for them to give me flower and card with words of encouragement

6:14PM

plumcrazy

nutterbutter Only thing is that I had to wait six months to try another kind of med as insurance company would ok another med after that one for six months. I did get fluid taken from my knee and shot of cortisone. that helped a lot

6:14PM

Joey

Bluesky, girlie you sneaked on me - :)

6:14PM

Swan

Cricket - I would think that if you know a computer geek, they might be able to remove or disable the ads in the system.

6:15PM

MAS

nutterbutter I have been having some symptoms of arthritis myself lately...The joint pains are mainly in my fingers, though. Hope you feel better.

6:16PM

nutterbutter

plumcrazy : I've had the cortisone shots before and they can be uncomfortable...My doctor said it's from standing and walking on the concrete floors. I have always worked where I did a lot of standing on hard floors.

6:16PM

lalachrissie

All- my 41 yr old nephew told me the other day that he went through a crisis. He never left his family, but he did have an affair for several years. His said he started feeling different about his marriage when he was confiding in a family friend (female) and he said eventually one thing led to another, he stopped talking to his wife and avoided her at all cost. He said the guilt he felt was so great and that he knew his feelings weren't real but he could not stop himself one day about 1.5 years ago he thought to himself that he was really going to lose his w and d if he didn't pull himself out of the mess. He said that it took about 9 months from that point, but that the last 8 months his relationship has never been better. he said the more his wife tried to talk to him the more he needed the ow. it was only when she seemed to have moved on completely that he started wanting her.   he said he felt like his wife was only with him b/c of the d at the point he realized.

6:16PM

Bluesky

Joey hi how are you?

6:16PM

nutterbutter

MAS : Thanks MAS. I hope it doesn't get worse for you.

6:16PM

Bluesky

MAS, I missed what happened with your d today? Hope it went well.

6:17PM

Joey

Bluesky I'm good, had an overall good day!

6:17PM

Swan

Bluesky - Hey girl, guess I missed you coming in, how was your day?

6:18PM

Bluesky

Joey mine too, good and interesting. My d was wonderful to me this morning, this weekend, and then we went to sons but it was very tense there.

6:18PM

nutterbutter

lalachrissie : Wow, kind of sounds like my H somewhat....

6:18PM

Bluesky

Swan hiya, good and you?

6:18PM

MAS

Swan @11 Thank you for all your kind words. I guess all I can do is be as to be as caring as possible, and just leave the rest up to God. She did give me a card and a small pot of planted roses, which was nice.

6:19PM

dogwood

lalachrissie Hey your nephew's story seems very similar to my h. Now, I fully understand how he has become distanced farther and farther away and could not face me anymore-- it is his guilt

6:19PM

nutterbutter

lalachrissie : That's good that he recognized it and was willing to do what was necessary to stay in his marriage.

6:19PM

Joey

lalachrissie wow, insight for us to understand that things are NOT always as they appear to us!

6:19PM

MAS

nutterbutter @16 Thanks, I hope not.

6:20PM

Joey

Hi Bumblebee#2!

6:20PM

dogwood

lalachrissie I am so glad that your nephew feels comfortable to have shared his feeling with you. at least he finds the right person to talk to and you will be able to help him out of it.

6:20PM

Swan

MAS - that was very nice and a sign that she wants a relationship with you also. There has been strain between the two of you for a while and like I said last night, it is so hard to change that once you get in that rut. I am so glad you made the first move and that she is accepting it. Time, but it will happen and I truly believe that God has both hands on this for you.

6:21PM

nutterbutter

lalachrissie : Wow, that's really interesting.....

6:21PM

lalachrissie

dogwood he felt comfortable b/c we were talking about my h and he said that he hadn't wanted to ask me all these months b/c I hadn't told him directly (my brother told him) but the second I mentioned my h he said he was so glad I brought it up b/c he had really wanted to tell me.

6:21PM

MAS

lalachrissie Wow! That is really interesting. It gives us some additional insight into the mind of the MLCer.

6:21PM

bumblebee#2

Hi Joey

6:23PM

dogwood

lalachrissie what do you mean by "he said he felt like his wife was only with him b/c of the d at the point he realized."?

6:23PM

lalachrissie

all- one thing he said was that his need to confide in someone else came when he and his wife had a fight and she said maybe I should leave.

6:23PM

lalachrissie

dogwood at the point he realized he didn't want to lose them

6:24PM

MAS

lalachrissie It sounded like he really needed someone to vent to and was glad to have someone he could talk with.

6:24PM

Joey

all, that’s how my H's first AW happened, he started talking to his best friend’s wife.

6:25PM

lalachrissie

MAS he meant about how his affair started. I think he wanted to tell me b/c he thinks my h is going through the same thing.

6:25PM

lalachrissie

the interesting thing is that his OW was married and 11 yrs older than him

6:26PM

plumcrazy

Cricket Do you think I messed up too much with that comment to H?

6:26PM

MAS

Bluesky I went with my D and SIL to my mother's house this afternoon. We all spent some time with her and I also gave my D a rose and card saying I was happy to have her as a daughter.

6:26PM

Bluesky

plumcrazy what did you say, I missed it?

6:26PM

Swan

lalachrissie - @25, please clarify for me, so when I edit I know what you meant, I am guessing the other woman isn't 11 years old herself.

6:27PM

Bluesky

MAS oh how wonderful

6:27PM

Swan

lalachrissie - thanks

6:27PM

nutterbutter

All: Sometimes I feel as though my H is attempting to playing head games with me. How do I deal with that when it happens? For example, he says we can work this out between the 2 of us without a third party helping us. But then he doesn't want to talk or do anything towards working on the relationship.

6:28PM

lalachrissie

nutterbutter what is he referring to when he says you can work it out without a third party? therapy?

6:29PM

bumblebee#2

nutterbutter That sounds exactly like what my H says to me

6:29PM

MAS

Bluesky I'm so glad you had a good day with your D, but what happened at your S's? Why were things tense?

6:29PM

Bluesky

nutterbutter that is just MLC speak. They never want help, because they don't think anything is wrong with them.

6:29PM

plumcrazy

Bluesky H got me flowers for Mothers Day I thanked him for them and he said "they are from the kids" I said "yeah but you went and got them. H said "Well your kids wouldn’t go" I said "Well maybe you should have told them your plan when you asked them to go to the store. Maybe they would have gone then" Cricket says it sounded like criticism

6:30PM

nutterbutter

lalachrissie : Yes. I suggested that we get some therapy. Our Pastor is also a licensed Psychologist.

6:30PM

Bluesky

MAS I just don't know. I am not sure he wanted us over there today.

6:30PM

MAS

Bluesky I'm so sorry.

6:30PM

Bluesky

plumcrazy I see, thanks for the update.

6:31PM

Cricket

plumcrazy - I just wanted you to realize how it probably came across to him... at least that's how I felt it. If I were him, I'd think, even though I tried to do something nice, I was wrong as I didn't TELL the kids what I had in mind. Just try to remember that it's more important to affirm your H when he does something nice. Don't bite when he uses the excuses ... from the kids too but they didn't go.... USE that time to really thank/affirm him. He may be wrong in not involving or telling the kids, but that doesn't matter, affirming does. It's not that you messed up that much... you can still make a point of telling him again how nice it was and especially when he did it all on his own.   TURN it to a positive.

6:32PM

lalachrissie

nutterbutter my h said the same thing before he left and he wouldn't go to therapy and the more I asked or the more I talked about the r the farther away he got. after he moved out we went to therapy a few times and he said he felt like I bombarded him that he wanted to work it out by himself. One of the things I would ask is how are we going to work it out and he kept saying he didn't know. It was driving me crazy

6:32PM

Joey

nutterbutter a lot of times to them 3rd parties means lawyers as well. trying to keep things on their playing field and plan.

6:33PM

Swan

plumcrazy - You seem to get into these debates with your husband often, may I please suggest that you keep communications with him short and simple, leave out the "why" of things. A simple thanks for the flowers and when he said they were from the kids, you might have said, yeah but you picked them up for them and then left it at that. In MLC they cannot deal with the nit pick of who, when, where, what, why and how, when you debate it with him, it is going to make him less likely to repeat this kindness in the future.

6:33PM

Cricket

MAS - I am glad to hear that the connection started with your D. I didn't get to read it all as it disappeared but I think I got the gist that it was a start. More time and work is needed, but this sounds like a great start. You are growing by leaps and bounds and I'm sure your D is seeing this.

6:33PM

nutterbutter

Bluesky : Well, I'm going to get some therapy for myself.

6:34PM

plumcrazy

Swan I did say that but I should have stopped there. I didn’t think about how the other comment sounded like criticism

6:34PM

Bluesky

nutterbutter that is great to do too.

6:34PM

MAS

Swan Have been thinking about you today...I'm sure things must be bittersweet for you with the recent loss of your mother, but I'm sure she must be watching over you. Did you hear from your kids?

6:34PM

Cricket

lalachrissie - nutterbutter - YES exactly - They are so confused and feel like a caged animal...ready to jump out of their skin... so when we ask questions or try to get them to talk, it is the very last thing they want. They are a mess and don't have answers themselves so us asking is huge pressure & makes them want to run.

6:35PM

bumblebee#2

Swan That is something that I have learned through all of this. It really hurts though to know that H and the OW have a great who, when, where, what, why and how relationship...I am just not allowed to talk like that to him...

6:35PM

dogwood

lalachrissie   If I had asked my h the question how he is going to work out, I know he would have answered: face the fact and get out of the marriage and do not stay in a dead marriage... So, I never asked him

6:35PM

MAS

Cricket I'm sure today is bittersweet for you (like Swan) as well, and my thoughts have been with you too.

6:35PM

Swan

MAS - thank you for your thoughts, I did think of her today and I am guessing you are right, she is watching over me. I did hear from my children and my grandson. It was a good day for me and I loved getting to talk to both of my kids in one day.

6:35PM

nutterbutter

Joey : I was sharing in chat the other day that I don't trust H. He just admitted his affair in February, it went on for 3 years. He said it's over...

6:36PM

Cricket

MAS - How sweet of you MAS, you are right and I forgot that this is Swan's first year without her Mom and I remember all too well how hard that was. SWAN - my thoughts are with you too with MAS reminder.   I know this was particularly difficult especially with all the circumstances.

6:36PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : So then he really is playing head games then?

6:36PM

lalachrissie

bumblebee#2 from what my nephew said they don't have that r with ow. it's just an outlet and it's meaningless.

6:36PM

Joey

nutterbutter just bc and make sure you take care of yourself as Jim suggest.

6:37PM

Cricket

MAS - I did think a lot of my Mom, even more this year than some. Although it's been several years since I lost my Mom, it is still a time I miss her so much.

6:37PM

plumcrazy

Swan I have been doing a lot better with not making comments like that. We have been getting along a lot better, lots of talking and joking etc. good family times with laughter too. Been very nice

6:37PM

Swan

bumblebee#2 - Something many have discovered is that the relationship with our spouses and the other person are not as great as they put on or even tell others. Remember they have closed doors too and what happens behind closed doors is rarely what we are letting the world see.

6:37PM

Cricket

plumcrazy - Good for you!

6:38PM

Joey

all that was something hard to see at church this morning - people that didn't have their moms here with them. especially the 1st Mothers Day. The lady I take home from church experienced that today. It broke my heart.

6:38PM

nutterbutter

Joey : Okay. I just feel like he's not being completely honest with me.

6:38PM

bumblebee#2

Swan Thanks...I needed to hear that...I am trying to stay alert to the times when H wants to talk deeply and respond then and only then

6:39PM

Swan

Cricket - Thanks, you know God does work in amazing ways, during her last days, we made our peace and all the pain of the prior years was lifted away for both of us.

6:39PM

lalachrissie

all I have to go d9 is crying

6:39PM

MAS

Swan I'm so glad you got to talk to your children and grandson. I'm sure that brought some joy into your heart today.

6:39PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - I'm not saying he's playing head games, just that they are so confused and like a rat stuck in a maze. They think they're getting their head together & want to reconnect & then emotions hit and scare them & they run. I don't think they are game playing, just extremely confused. Part of them desperately wants to get their head together to hold on to us and the other part thinks if they can run, they'll get rid of the depression.

6:39PM

Joey

nutterbutter you’re probably more right than wrong. it takes time to work through the tunnel, give him room but don't make him feel like you think he's a liar either.

6:39PM

plumcrazy

Cricket The other day I was talking to H asking him a question and D interrupted I said to D "Excuse me I was talking to your Dad first." H was like "You two don’t have to fight for my attention" I laughed Haven’t heard a comment like that from him before.

6:40PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : Okay.

6:41PM

Cricket

Swan - YES I remember that you were blessed in that way... but I can also imagine there are those thoughts of wishing it could have happened sooner & that you'd had more time after working through all that... but still I KNOW that you are thankful & see the blessings

6:41PM

Joey

plumcrazy :) laugh was a good response!

6:41PM

dogwood

plumcrazy that sense of humor and is good for all of you, especially good for your h

6:41PM

Joey

hi digforhelp!

6:41PM

Swan

plumcrazy - That's when you could have taken the opportunity to say something like: But you are worth it and besides I feel we are doing her a greater benefit to instruct her that she be respectful and wait her turn.

6:41PM

nutterbutter

Joey : I'm giving him room. But you know, sometimes I feel as though I still need to detach completely for awhile.

6:41PM

digforhelp

hello I hope everyone had a nice mother's day.

6:42PM

Cricket

plumcrazy - Those are HUGE praises. Remember that your H's self esteem is so damaged that any positive attention is such a big thing

6:42PM

plumcrazy

Swan Yeah I guess I could have but I was in SHOCK at his comment!!'

6:43PM

Joey

nutterbutter that’s ok, take that time to breathe and grow for yourself in a positive Godly way.

6:43PM

MAS

digforhelp Hi.

6:44PM

digforhelp

hello MAS

6:44PM

Swan

plumcrazy - You'll get there, but for now I believe it might benefit you more to work on holding your tongue and work on the responses down the road a little. You'll do fine, it is hard to deal with what you have and to turn off the old behaviors, but you are working on it and that is a bonus for all of your family.

6:44PM

Swan

digforhelp - how was your day?

6:45PM

plumcrazy

Cricket H has been joking around with me more. today he forgot some ingredient for something he was cooking . I thought he was joking with me blaming me for it. I said what are you blaming me for ? H was like I am not blaming you for anything You are Marginal!

6:45PM

Joey

Hi wiffe!

6:45PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - My H told everyone how happy he was with the OW.   He even told our Godsons who are now grown & married that it's good to get past the 1st marriage as the 2nd (his to OW) was the best! Of course this comment upset the men's wives. Later he admitted that he was never really happy with the OW that life with her was like living with Jykle & Hyde, never knowing who he would come home to. They try to convince themselves & others that things are great even though they are far from it.

6:46PM

plumcrazy

Cricket I guess that is a promotion because in the past H said you are insignificant! A praise~

6:46PM

digforhelp

Swan - a hard day to get through. I spent most of it trying to stay away from home. it was hard in the morning when my wife was telling everyone how much she loved them except me. but I kind of expected that.

6:46PM

nutterbutter

Cricket Joey : When my H admitted to the affair he said he think he was in love with the OW. He still seems very distant from me emotionally. I know the OW calls constantly, but he said he doesn't answer. But when he gets tired of her constantly calling, he'll answer and tell her not to call him. Could this be causing his emotional distance?

6:47PM

Joey

nutterbutter that’s part of MLC, the AW is burning her own bridge by bugging him all the time.

6:48PM

Swan

digforhelp - That is very hard, I am sorry you are dealing with it. Glad you are here and please know we love you and God has loved you even before you were born, has never stopped and never will.

6:48PM

Cricket

plumcrazy - BUT I think this is the same thing that Swan was saying. Don't get pulled into things, NO TIT FOR TAT... as far as asking him what he was blaming you for.   Try to ignore things you THINK might be that and joke and tease more. Doing this more is a huge praise.... You are doing better I know, but we're trying to help you see that it's become habit to be defensive ... we want you to break that habit and keep growing more and more

6:48PM

digforhelp

Swan - thank-you

6:49PM

Joey

digforhelp I agree with Swan!

6:49PM

wiffe

all I agree don't get pulled in. I very easily could've today when H made the comment HE's a big boy and can get D4's bike himself. I was like HUH I thought the van was locked. But I didn’t even get into it.

6:50PM

digforhelp

Joey - thank-you

6:50PM

Cricket

digforhelp - I know it's hard. "IF" and I know it's hard... you can find a joke or tease when she says stuff like that, it would really help. She has to lie to herself, to convince herself she doesn't love you or she can't justify her actions.     IF you can find some kidding comment..... it would help release stress and even if she hides the laugh, it touches her heart.

6:50PM

plumcrazy

Cricket I know it is HABIT It got to be that way when I was under constant attack verbally by H I just misunderstood what he said. I told him I was just joking around. I have to work on how to respond in joking way

6:50PM

MAS

digforhelp Please try not to feel bad. My H actually sent my mother 2 bouquets of flowers and even called her from Europe where he is on a business trip to wish her a Happy Mother's Day...I didn't even get a card. First time in 30 years.

6:50PM

nutterbutter

Joey :Okay. Thank you.

6:50PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket   I also suffer so from being defensive after many years of being put down...I am trying to become more open and ignore things and tease and joke more...but it is also hard not to fall into old patterns

6:51PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - When the OW does this, it adds a lot of pressure and it does cause them to run.   They hate feeling smothered and these OW are so insecure they tend to do that.

6:51PM

digforhelp

MAS - maybe they are trying to make us give up?

6:52PM

MAS

dogwood I haven't talked to you today. Hope you had a happy Mother's Day with your D.

6:52PM

plumcrazy

bumblebee#2 I know what you mean I told H that it was a bad habit that I have developed and I am working on changing it. I told him that I still slip up sometimes.

6:52PM

Bluesky

digforhelp of course, then the blame won't fall on them, which will ease their guilt.

6:52PM

digforhelp

Cricket - I tried to think of something funny to say. but went completely blank. then my heart started aching.

6:52PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - ALSO - It is very important that you don't comment on these calls. bumblebee#2 Act like you don't notice.   Remember the OW isn't the real issue, just the symptom, and we don't want to add to the pressure.

6:53PM

bumblebee#2

plumcrazy I get encouraged when H tells me that he can see the change...

6:53PM

Cricket

digforhelp - I COMPLETELY understand.   So often I think of it later and kick myself.   Still I'd think now of something you can say to be ready next time this happens.

6:53PM

digforhelp

Bluesky - I'm beginning to think that what's going on. the madder she is with me the less guilt she feels for what's she's doing.

6:54PM

plumcrazy

bumblebee#2 My H has also commented on seeing that I have made changes. He said in the past you would have responded in a more negative way

6:54PM

MAS

digforhelp I know...It's almost as if my H was trying to send me a message by his actions..trying to put emphasis on the fact that he's not going to give me any false hope at all.

6:54PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - ALL -   Often they won't admit they see it, at least not admit it to us. My H told his best friend that I'd grown way more than he had but he denied it to me. They don't want to admit it as then they have to admit they could work it out.

6:54PM

Joey

Cricket that would be me - Johnny blank on the spot! grrrr and still not be quick on the draw next time after all the things I think of later when something happens!

6:55PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : Okay, but this has and is challenging to say the least. But I am finding that I want to do more on my own, more fun things...

6:55PM

plumcrazy

digforhelp Don’t feel bad I do that too. We will get better in time I know it'

6:55PM

digforhelp

MAS - looking at the bright side, it may be the time when the spirit is working on our spouses the most.

6:55PM

Cricket

wiffe - Good that you didn't let your H pull you into anything.   They are just so messed up they say things without thinking, sometimes they try to push our buttons to justify their actions. Just don't get pulled into it.

6:55PM

dogwood

MAS May I call you later tonight? I was sitting in the church when you called this morning so I did not answer the phone

6:56PM

wiffe

Cricket yeah he's still probably pouting from Friday.

6:56PM

MAS

digforhelp I can only pray that that is what's happening.

6:56PM

digforhelp

Cricket plumcrazy - I'm usually good a coming up with funny stuff. My wife always use to say I was crazy.

6:56PM

digforhelp

MAS - me too.

6:56PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - IT is good that we do fun healthy things on our own. When they see us appearing happy, having fun and not sitting waiting for their arrival, it really is healthy.

6:56PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket I am out with my laptop..You should have seen the look on H face when I said that I was going out for awhile too just like H was doing.

6:56PM

nutterbutter

Cricket Joey : I'm working really hard to be detached, any suggestions or tips on detaching?

6:57PM

Swan

digforhelp - The stress of MLC often causes us to live on pins and needles, which unfortunately also zaps our wit.

6:57PM

Cricket

digforhelp - They do this.... they try to pull us into arguments or pick at little things we do or don't do to justify their actions. If they can be mad at us, it helps their guilt.

6:57PM

Joey

nutterbutter I don't know how to explain it, it happened over time and with God's help. Focus more on God and less on your h.

6:58PM

MAS

dogwood Of course you can, but could you make it later tonight, sometime after 10:00? I still have some things to do right after chat.

6:58PM

nutterbutter

Joey : Okay.

6:58PM

Bluesky

nutterbutter in the 3 year affair did you ever suspect anything?

7:00PM

plumcrazy

All I am going to say goodnight. Please include my D and H's physical and mental health in your prayers

7:00PM

nutterbutter

Bluesky : I did suspect. When I asked him, he said it was only emotional. Only to find out he was lying even then...

7:00PM

Joey

nutterbutter it took me a long time to get to that place. I also think the more you trust God the faster you get there as well. Its building that intimate relationship of trust with Him that helps you detach for the roller coaster.

7:00PM

plumcrazy

bye

7:00PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - I just tried to get involved in fun healthy or productive things.   Joined a sports team, signed up for a class, and joined a Beth Moore Bible Study group. It helped to be busy, have things to look forward to. My H expected I would sit home & pine for him and he was shocked at all that I was doing. This also helped as people weren't worrying about me, telling me to move on, as they saw I was busy & enjoying life in a different way. That made me come across stronger/independent and not smothering/clingy as my H claimed

7:00PM

Swan

nutterbutter - What Joey said @00 is on spot.

7:01PM

Bluesky

nutterbutter emotional is just as bad. Like that makes a difference.... lol

7:01PM

dogwood

MAS yes, 10:00 will be fine.

7:01PM

MAS

dogwood Hopefully, I won't be asleep! :)

7:01PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - YES - ALSO spending time with the Lord, quiet time to hear him. The Bible Study Group I joined was great as it was a fun group of ladies & we met &brought munchies to share so it was fun too and a great way to study the Bible

7:01PM

dogwood

MAS don't worry if we don't make it tonight

7:02PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - Keep in mind that if they didn't care about hurting us, they wouldn't lie. It is that they hate to hurt us and they feel so guilty that they lie.

7:02PM

Bluesky

dogwood so you sound stronger each day.

7:02PM

nutterbutter

Joey Cricket Swan   : Yes, I'm working on finding activities for myself. I do spend quiet time with the Lord. He directs me to books to read. Now I'm reading In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart by Ruth Bell Graham.

7:02PM

MAS

dogwood I'll try to stay awake!

7:03PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : I understand.

7:03PM

Bluesky

Cricket my h didn't lie, he just clammed up and left

7:03PM

MAS

nutterbutter My H lied to me for a whole year about the OW. He swore my D to secrecy as well.

7:03PM

Joey

Bluesky don't know why but that hit me funny - LOL!

7:03PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - YES- We don't want it to come across as game playing... trying to make them jealous.   But it is very good that they don't see us as pathetic ....sitting waiting for them, hanging on any possible contact with them. We can move on in a healthy way, working on us, taking care of ourselves and giving them to God.

7:04PM

Bluesky

Joey well that’s good!!

7:04PM

Swan

Bluesky - Silence is the biggest lie of all, it’s only advantage is it gives the liar deniability.

7:04PM

Joey

Bluesky the clammed up part!

7:05PM

Bluesky

Swan ah so wise. What is he NOT saying? But he has always had trouble communicating and sharing.

7:05PM

nutterbutter

Bluesky Cricket Swan : H also told me he had rented an apartment because he was going to divorce me and marry OW. The OW is currently living in the apartment, it's in H's name and lease is not up until December...

7:05PM

dogwood

Bluesky just trying, and a little tired now. had a good day with daughter and SIL so, grateful

7:05PM

bumblebee#2

Swan Yes, lies of omission are still lies...It is a favorite game of my H to play the card of I didn't lie to you because he didn't tell me anything...

7:05PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - Now I am actually excited about all the things I've done. I had to start with smaller things and then as I got used to doing things on my own, I expanded new opportunities. I've now learned to ride a motorcycle, bought a Harley, rented an RV and taken some trips on my own, become an Officer in some Volunteer Organizations, run for public office & was elected and so much more....

7:06PM

Bluesky

dogwood good, baby steps every day. You have survived!

7:06PM

dogwood

Cricket what sport team did you join?

7:07PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : You know, I've been desiring to take a trip alone. I just feel as though I need some time away.

7:07PM

bumblebee#2

nutterbutter Good for you! You are an inspiration...

7:07PM

Cricket

dogwood - Several - I joined a softball team (used to play with my H on a team), joined a Bocce team, joined a bowling team, played golf in tournaments and even played mud football with a group from my church... (I'd never played football before so that was new)

7:07PM

dogwood

Bluesky I also baked banana bread, quiche and a croissant rolls for my daughter to take home.   felt good about that. they always appreciate food from me

7:08PM

Bluesky

dogwood keep it up.

7:08PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket I have actually made a list like that of all the things I want to do and am attacking it one by one...

7:08PM

dogwood

Cricket that is good, I hope God will lead me to some of these opportunities

7:08PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - I traveled alone too. I went to Hawaii as that was where my H & I used to go for anniversaries.   He took the OW there so I went myself to reclaim it and had a good time. I also went other closer places but about 6 months ago I went to Italy on my own for the first time.

7:08PM

Joey

bumblebee#2 that’s great!!!!

7:08PM

MAS

dogwood You did some baking! Good for you!

7:09PM

Bluesky

dogwood start seeking these opportunities out.

7:09PM

dogwood

MAS sometimes pushed myself to do it even though was not in the mood for baking

7:10PM

MAS

bumblebee#2 That's terrific!

7:10PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket does it ever make our spouse feel like we don't need them after all?

7:10PM

Cricket

dogwood - I just looked around and asked about teams that wanted someone to join. I checked with our local Parks & Recreation for teams to join. I also checked at our bowling alley and found a team that needed someone.

7:10PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : Wow, that’s great! My first big thing to do was driving on the expressway...lol Before, you couldn't get me near the expressway. But it's done now!

7:10PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - NOPE - They see that we're having fun & they see joy in us and they want that. They are so miserable to they are really drawn to peace & joy.

7:11PM

MAS

dogwood Well, I'm sure your D really appreciated something homemade from her mother.

7:11PM

nutterbutter

bumblebee#2 @ 08: That's a great idea!

7:11PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - Most of our spouses complain that they feel pressure of having to entertain us. My H said he wanted to do some guy things but felt he couldn't or I'd be upset. HE said he felt smothered & he told our counselor that he didn't feel I could travel or even golf without him. SOOO I worked on that.

7:11PM

MAS

nutterbutter You should be really proud of yourself!

7:13PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - Hey baby steps to start. At first it was for me to go to the golf course and golf on my own. I did and was put with a wonderful couple who became very good friends and are still.   With each step, it gave me confidence to try more.

7:13PM

nutterbutter

MAS : I am and I thank God for taking me this far! You know MAS, as much as it hurts I know this will be for my good in the end.

7:13PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket Thanks, sometimes I watch H face and wonder about that...I know though that that is also a big issue with the OW...She is not able to do that very well.

7:14PM

nutterbutter

Cricket :That's so funny Cricket, I was thinking about trying golf lessons...Lol

7:14PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 -   YES as far as the list. I always wanted to try sky diving but my H refused. He'd always said why would you jump out of a perfectly good plane.   SO months after he left, I did it. I got a video of my jump and chose one of my H's favorite songs for the background. HE actually watched the video with me and I could tell was impressed.

7:15PM

nutterbutter

Bluesky : You too.

7:15PM

bumblebee#2

Cricket Good for you...Wow I am impressed too...Skydiving is not on my list, but lots of other things !!!

7:15PM

Joey

all, I still need to get my clothes ready for work in the AM. God bless, sweet sleep in Jesus. Just know that God is able to handle our spouse’s crazy mess and heal and prepare us all at the same time! Love to all!

7:16PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - I always golfed with my H. Early on, he was proud that I enjoyed playing with him as so many men's wives weren't interested. In MLC he complained that he couldn't golf unless with me.   However when he got together with the OW, he bought her golf clubs as she'd implied she wanted to learn. BUT when she moved in with him, she refused to learn and said she wasn't going to be me.... I know he was disappointed

7:17PM

dogwood

Joey thanks for the prayer, yes, we all need that for our spouses

7:17PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : I'm sure he was.

7:17PM

MAS

Cricket I know you're going to be very surprised, but I actually did more on my own when my H and I were together than I do now.   For instance, I had no problem traveling by myself before he left (and often did), whereas now, I have a really hard time doing so. I belonged to different groups and did many things socially that I never do now. In retrospect, maybe my H and I needed to do more activities together?

7:17PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - The thing is to make your list and start working on this. This is our time to really do things for ourselves.

7:18PM

Cricket

ALL - All these years we've tried to be super wives and sacrificed for our families... MLC is a time for us to really focus on our own growth, things we've neglected for ourselves.

7:18PM

nutterbutter

All: It's been really good tonight. I have work in the AM also. I'm really looking forward to being in chat tomorrow evening!

7:20PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : You know Cricket, that is so true...it's always been about my H, kids and even grandkids. I see where I got lost in that shuffle.

7:20PM

Cricket

MAS - I actually know my H used to brag that he and I did so much together. We really enjoyed the same things. Other H's were jealous that we were such a good team. We did work shift work so most of our married life, we didn't have the same days off but we set aside time together. It was at the end of our careers that we did have the same work schedule and my H then complained we did too much. Years earlier he complained that we didn't have enough time together

7:20PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - YES I realized I lost my identity ... I always put my H first.

7:21PM

MAS

Cricket My H always worked so much that he never wanted to do anything the little that he WAS at home.

7:21PM

Cricket

MAS - I'm surprised as I believe mlc has thrown you into turmoil that made it hard to do things on your own. MLC does attack our self confidence and we have to fight to recover & heal

7:21PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : Me too! I feel almost like I'm finding myself again, the real me. The one who's been buried under there all these 25 years of marriage.

7:22PM

MAS

Cricket So, I just found other things and other people to occupy my time.

7:22PM

Cricket

nutterbutter - From what Jim says is that our H's miss the person we lost... we lost ourselves for them, but still we lost ourselves

7:22PM

dogwood

Cricket from what you and MAS shared.. it seems that MLC is simply discontent with what they have and wanted something different. so they may complain in any circumstances because they are not happy with what they are and what they have anymore

7:22PM

MAS

Cricket Yes, it has definitely done that. I never had these problems before.

7:23PM

Swan

Cricket & nutterbutter - I second this, I became my husband's wife, my children's mother, but I had no real identity of my own.

7:23PM

nutterbutter

Cricket : And it really is a fight to heal and recover.

7:23PM

MAS

Cricket You might be surprised at some of the things I used to do. Now, I've become incapacitated.

7:24PM

Cricket

MAS - I do think we all need to schedule time for us as a couple. BUT in your H's case, it seems like he was a workaholic & wouldn't do things with you /family. AS he got older and felt like life slipped away, he became desperate and mlc hit. Now he's desperately trying to experience the life he lost and finds way to blame you/marriage for keeping him from it instead of realizing that he buried himself.

7:24PM

nutterbutter

Swan : I now realize that since H's MLC.

7:25PM

dogwood

Cricket I can relate to MAS because I have been doing things very independently from h for many years, except family travel vacation time. but since I know of his issues now, it is very hard for me to stay in the house by myself whereas I used to be alone whenever he is on business trip (a few months a year) and never had a problem...

7:25PM

nutterbutter

All: Goodnight everyone.

7:25PM

MAS

Cricket Yes, exactly. To this day, he still claims that the reason he worked so hard was for his family and I just never appreciated it.

7:26PM

Cricket

MAS nutterbutter - YES it is a fight to recover.   BUT it is extremely important that we do recover and not allow this to keep us incapacitated. That makes us even less attractive to our H's. They are running to experience life and if we are incapacitated (even if they caused this to happen) they don't feel they can enjoy /recapture the life they lost with us ..

7:26PM

bumblebee#2

MAS   I was incapacitated for months after finding out about the OW...I am finally feeling like I am an intelligent, capable, worthwhile human being...It is from my LORD, from Jim's books, from this chat room, and everything else my precious Lord brought into my life...He is there for you too

7:27PM

MAS

Cricket I tried to explain to him that there needs to be a balance, but of course he doesn't want to hear it. I do think that is what caused one of the big problems in our marriage..the lack of time together.

7:27PM

Cricket

MAS - He has to tell himself that to justify himself. He might have thought that, but if he'd have talked to you, it would have been worked out. Same with my H, if he simply talked to me about his feelings, I could have worked on these things without him leaving.. BUT he needed an excuse to chase his fantasy

7:28PM

Swan

Goodnight all, please join us again tomorrow night for chat with Bill.

7:28PM

Cricket

MAS - YES but we can't explain things to them. If your H admitted that this was at least as much his fault, he'd have no excuse for his behavior and he isn't ready to change yet.

7:28PM

Cricket

Have a great night all... prayers & blessings to you all.

7:28PM

MAS

Cricket I know that what you say is true, and I am trying to work on things.

7:28PM

dogwood

all thanks for the time and good night

7:29PM

Cricket

dogwood - It takes time to heal from the pain we suffer in mlc.   But in time you will, we all have.

7:29PM

Cricket

MAS - YOU ARE! We are so proud of you.

7:29PM

MAS

bumblebee#2 Good for you! Keep at it! And thank you!

7:29PM

Cricket

bumblebee#2 - amen & amen

7:30PM

Cricket

Step by Step - the Lord heals us and makes us even better than we were before if we let him guide us

7:30PM

MAS

Have a goodnight everyone! My prayers are with you all!

7:27PM

MAS

Cricket I tried to explain to him that there needs to be a balance, but of course he doesn't want to hear it. I do think that is what caused one of the big problems in our marriage..the lack of time together.

7:28PM

Cricket

MAS - YES but we can't explain things to them. If your H admitted that this was at least as much his fault, he'd have no excuse for his behavior and he isn't ready to change yet.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud