Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

July 4, 2011

7:06 PM

challenger3

dani I have asked this question of others but have not received any answer. Do you think there is any merit to the fact that he has not removed pictures of us off his facebook page and has actually kept them in his profile.

7:09 PM

dani

Challenger...I know that we want to read something into everything they do. The thing is, about MLC....their brains are all over the place....so something that seems very logical and meaningful to us.....they don't even notice.     However!!!...I DO know (according to him) that my husband did think about me, the family, our life, the confusion in his brain...etc....and I am certain your h is doing the same thing

 

 


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July 04, 2011 / Monday 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:04 PM

swan

Hello everyone, welcome to Monday evening chat

6:04 PM

challenger3

Hi Swan.

6:04 PM

dani

Hi Mas and Challenger. How are things tonight?

6:04 PM

mas

challenger3 No, not really. It's been a really hard weekend. 4th of July and I'm home alone.

6:05 PM

mas

challenger3 How are YOU doing?

6:05 PM

swan

challenger3 - So, which night were the fireworks over on the river? We have had them two nights so far down here, and I imagine I'll hear them tonight as well, I say hear them because I am here on chat.

6:05 PM

challenger3

Hi Dani, I am much better because my children are home but playing outside. Last night was rough and this morning was tough.

6:05 PM

mas

dani Hi, nice to see you tonight.

6:05 PM

mas

Hi Swan, Yoli.

6:06 PM

challenger3

Swan, tonight is the best night and if I can find a spot on a local road I can see most from close to my house.

6:06 PM

dani

Challenger, yes, it is difficult during a holiday if the children are not around

6:06 PM

yoli

mas Hey mas, how are you? I read that you're home alone. I'm so sorry. Are there any firework displays.

6:08 PM

mas

yoli Yes, but none I could see from my home. How are you doing tonight? Are you with your D's?

6:08 PM

dani

Hi Yoli and Bluesky....how are thing?

6:08 PM

swan

challenger3 - I remember as a kid, going to the Arch early on the 4th and staying there all day waiting for the fireworks. Then after I joined the Marine Corps they started the Pope's Celebration or something like that down there, was too crowded then, so we would usually go up on the roof at my in-laws, they lived over in the Soulard (sp?) district.

6:09 PM

Bluesky

Hi Dani, nice to see you on a different night.

6:09 PM

dani

Swan....did you ever go to the Oceanside pier for fireworks?

6:09 PM

swan

dani - For a number of years I actually worked at Del Mar Beach on Camp Pendleton, and always had to work the 4th, so I got to go out on the beach and watch the fireworks the Marine Corps was doing out over the ocean as well as the fireworks over the Oceanside Pier. It was awesome.

6:09 PM

challenger3

Mas, I am feeling better now. Last night was about as tough as when he first left. I prayed with my sister before I went to bed. I did take something to help me sleep and I did choose to take my anti depressant this morning. I really made a mistake today though, he called to let me know that they were running late and I thought I could disguise that I was crying. He started asking what was wrong and I refused to tell him. Then he called back and pushed again. I finally broke down to him about my feelings of being "replaced" last night. Only seeing my son for a few hours on his B-day about a lot of it. Never really said it was about losing him just changes.   I was crying when he dropped the kids off. In our 11 years together he has never seen me cry like that. Of course he started to talk about himself and his hurt. I said it is not all about you this time. This is about me.

6:10 PM

plumcrazy

Hello all

6:10 PM

mas

Bluesky Hello.

6:10 PM

mas

plumcrazy Hi plum.

6:10 PM

dani

Hi Plumcrazy, how are you, how's your hubby?

6:11 PM

yoli

mas That's too bad. Yeah, I'm here with both of them. I started thinking today that older daughter has been hanging out here a lot since she got in. It's good but every once in a while, they go at each other. Younger one is just really angry and nasty. She asked if a friend could stay, first for the night then for the whole week. She got mad when I told her that it's expensive to have additional people around, especially the electric bill. She went off on me. It seems to be the norm with her.

6:11 PM

mas

challenger3 Wow! Sounds a lot like my H and me!

6:11 PM

Bluesky

mas hi. not sure there are any firework shows around here. With all the heat and fire danger I haven't heard of any. It was supposed to rain tonight too.

6:12 PM

yoli

dani Hi Dani. Things are okay, I guess. How are you?

6:13 PM

swan

Bluesky - sounds like So Cal, the fire works seem to be off the coast out over the ocean, not too many inland unless you were in a non-fire threat area.

6:13 PM

challenger3

Swan I love the soulard district. I went to the Vail Prophet (VP fair) a lot when I was kid. Then it did get too big so my parents quit taking us. I would then go with my friends during my late teens early 20s. I wanted to take the kids just for fireworks tonight but H thought it was unsafe. I am just not pushing things right now with him. It is ending up being a good choice since I am really tired and not in the mood to be around too many people.

6:13 PM

challenger3

HI Plum, yoli and bluesky.

6:14 PM

mas

challenger3 We once traveled there on a road trip to Chicago. It was the most memorable state we drove through ...very pretty.

6:14 PM

Bluesky

swan exactly. I am still dealing with a naughty kitty so I have been cleaning and cleaning out h's books and other things. One thing has lead to another.

6:14 PM

yoli

challenger3 Hi, hope you're doing better. Maybe you crying like you did to your husband was cathartic for you even if you feel that you made a mistake. It's done, over, finished. Don't worry too much about it.

6:14 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 hey, sorry to hear your rough time. I know it is difficult.

6:15 PM

challenger3

mas yes it is beautiful down towards the Ozark area.   The city is clean and we have great things for kids. Supposedly we are #3 on the top vacation spot this year. Weird to me but we do have a lot for families to do for free.

6:15 PM

mas

yoli YOU get the anger and nastiness, while I get the cold shoulder.

6:16 PM

dani

Challenger, I agree with yoli...you never know what God is going to use in this process.....even the emotions that come out when we don't plan it

6:16 PM

yoli

mas Sometimes I think it would be better to get the cold shoulder.

6:16 PM

swan

challenger3 - that's what it is called, I was living out of the area by then and was only in the city one time that it was going on, just remember the traffic it caused. Last time I was up at the river area, I was shocked at how run down it is looking.   You would think they would keep it up much better for the tourist, to be honest it could be a gold mine if properly marketed and the casino was gotten rid of or at least updated with better security. I don't really go into the city much anymore, I mostly visit with family, get over to JB cemetery for the in-laws, but that is about it anymore.

6:17 PM

mas

Bluesky I've got a neighborhood cat that's been hiding out under my rocker all day today. I've recently discovered it comes into my house all the time without my knowing it.

6:17 PM

yoli

swan Sounds like a cause you can take up. To remodel and build it back up. Like in your spare time, right? Just kidding.

6:18 PM

Bluesky

mas oh my, that’s funny. Is it eating the other kitty food?

6:18 PM

dani

Mas...that's funny! I have a friend that happened to and the cat snuck in and had 5 kittens in her entry/porch area!

6:18 PM

mas

Bluesky Yes, I was actually hoping it would rain today. So, you're not driving to see any fireworks tonight?

6:19 PM

challenger3

Thanks to all for your well wishes. I am feeling better every minute. I just know that we are always suppose to be so positive and not let them get to us when they do things like take my children to a gathering like we did every year for this holiday. I really hated letting him know that it bothered me. Of course he said that he hurts too even though people think that he doesn't. He said that my son whose B-day was yesterday-7 years old-told someone that he went from Dad's place to Mom's place and that adult said "oh that's great that you were able to see both parents." He said yeah we have to do it because Dad left us. His response is I know that my son doesn't talk like that. All I said was well that wasn't me talking either. He just doesn't want to face any of the guilt.   I just feel like I lost a step in the process but told him that he needed to understand that this is a grieving process for me. I also said that for the most part I am fine just reality.

6:19 PM

dani

Hi Faithful, how are things going tonight?

6:19 PM

Bluesky

mas not as of the moment. Not a big deal. Kind of out grown it.

6:20 PM

dani

Challenger....wow, out of the mouths of babes! I think he was being "led" with that remark!

6:20 PM

mas

yoli @16 I’m not sure which is worse...I've gotten the nastiness as well.

6:20 PM

faithful

dani it is going good. H came to drop the boys tonight and before he left he gave me hug. In the past he will give everyone else a hug but me and tonight he caught me by surprise and gave me a hug. Not sure what to think.

6:21 PM

Bluesky

dani that’s funny too. Did she keep the kitties?

6:21 PM

challenger3

mas and dani that is too funny.

6:21 PM

yoli

mas I don't think I've ever gotten the cold shoulder. But the nastiness is just out of control. You know she was talking about how she gets angry that her dad says whatever is on his mind, well she's no different.   She just says whatever. Doesn't matter if anyone gets hurts or not. I really don't like the fact that she calls her sister the b-word.

6:21 PM

mas

dani @18 Ha! Ha! That's all I need! I already have a mother bird and her babies nesting in a rafter right outside my back door.

6:21 PM

plumcrazy

faithful PTL!!!! That is AWESOME!

6:22 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 don't think of it as a 'step' lost, but more than you are human and hurt and maybe a blip would be a better description.

6:22 PM

faithful

all no fireworks tonight. We have a ban on them due to the dry conditions.

6:22 PM

swan

yoli - they never really developed the waterfront part, other than to put a few boats on it. One of the boats couldn't really travel anymore so it somehow became a casino, which brought people, but also an added amount of crime. They really developed the Arch area, added a museum, park, etc. but never when down to the water front much, unless they have done it over the past couple years. But then again, every time the ol Miss rises that area also floods. When I was in high school that was one of our Friday night hang out spots for my group. Brings back memories

6:22 PM

faithful

Plum the weird thing is he did it in front of everyone.

6:22 PM

challenger3

faithful so sorry to hear that.

6:22 PM

challenger3

faithful that sounds promising.

6:22 PM

Bluesky

yoli maybe its time for them to be living on their own with all the nastiness.

6:23 PM

yoli

swan That actually sounds like fun to have gone there during high school. I don't have too many memories like that at all. I'm pathetic.

6:23 PM

Bluesky

mas I was cutting some branches down today and almost cut a nest down, Felt badly. I hope the mama bird comes back.

6:23 PM

swan

mas - the people who owned my condo before me had a couple of nesting boxes on the deck area and every year I get a family or two. And last year I actually got to watch as the parents pushed the babies out of the nest to go out on their own, it was interesting.

6:24 PM

dani

Faithful....I would feel the same way, but I think you can thank God for it and keep your emotions in check....not to get on the up and down roller coaster that this cause.

6:24 PM

mas

Bluesky I tried to feed it today but it refused to eat anything. So far, it just likes to get respite from the heat, I think.

6:24 PM

swan

Hey David Alan, still on your own tonight?

6:24 PM

plumcrazy

faithful We don’t have fireworks here on the 4th There is a Sailfest here next weekend and there are all kinds of tall ships here and the last night there is a big fireworks show that we can see from S's room on 2nd floor

6:24 PM

yoli

Bluesky The younger one is only 20 and in school. Older daughter went through a stage, and sometimes still does it, where she thinks only she is right or knows anything.   Well younger daughter is worse.   Apparently her dad has told her that she's the smart one. She is but is also very naive about a lot of things.

6:24 PM

challenger3

Bluesky thank you. I tried to play it off. I did not make him think that I was crying over him just over the changes. That's all. He kept giving me a weird look-mad, upset, confused-I asked why he kept looking at me like that and he just said because I don't know what to say.   I did tell him that I hope that he never feels this kind of pain. I said I don't wish it on anyone especially him.

6:24 PM

Bluesky

faithful yeah! you are doing great!!

6:24 PM

David Alan

swan - until I pick my daughter up at the airport in an hour.   Can't stay long.

6:25 PM

challenger3

Swan if you are ever going to JB let me know.

6:25 PM

challenger3

Hi David.

6:25 PM

faithful

plum we went to the parade and the stay awhile at the park where they had a band playing and during booth to buy from. The kids enjoy it.

6:25 PM

dani

Bluesky. No, she's found homes for all but one.

6:25 PM

David Alan

challenger3 - Hi. :)

6:25 PM

yoli

swan There you go. That's what Beth was talking about - pushing the babies out of the nest to go out on their own!!! Maybe that is what I need to do. Not let them in the house at all.

6:25 PM

faithful

David hello

6:25 PM

dani

Hi David Alan and Still....how are things?

6:26 PM

Bluesky

yoli Only 20? She can still live on her own, especially with the attitude. My son lived on his own at 18 and hasn't looked back.

6:26 PM

Still

Dani, Hi, I'm well. How are you?

6:26 PM

swan

yoli - Oh before the seatbelt laws, we would pack as many into a few cars as we could, sometimes sitting three high and then we would head for the water front, hang out there, then hit the white castle, then if someone was having a party or more, we would make the rounds, etc. Did I ever mention that I was a rebellious teenager?

6:26 PM

challenger3

David I just told everyone that I messed up today and spent most of the morning crying on the phone and in person to my H. It has been a hard day. He was pretty loving about it all-actually a little concerned but in the end turned it around about his hurt and that he knows he is going to have to deal with it one day. Did I really mess up?

6:26 PM

plumcrazy

faithful I know it is hard to not get excited when nice things like the hug happen. Just enjoy it for what it was something NICE and totally UNEXPECTED

6:27 PM

yoli

Bluesky She can't afford herself. She has champagne taste and less than a beer budget. She wants the best of everything and does not want to have any discomfort at all. Yeah, she's spoiled rotten. She's working but it's not enough for her to live on her own.

6:27 PM

mas

swan Today one of the young ones actually started to fly. The other was left behind wondering, 'where did everyone go?'

6:27 PM

faithful

plum thanks and I am. Is just nice to him acting more like himself.

6:28 PM

Bluesky

yoli haha, can't daddy spring for it? Just kidding!!

6:28 PM

David Alan

challenger3 - you can't expect to always be strong. We all struggle with emotions and you've been doing a great job. Don't beat yourself up.

6:28 PM

swan

challenger3 - Next time I come up that way I'll let you know and we can arrange to meet. I always make a trip over to JB, put flowers on my in-laws graves, and visit the armory area (my husband and my spot during high school).

6:28 PM

Bluesky

David Alan you mentioned the other night you were selling your house? Are you staying in the same area?

6:28 PM

yoli

swan No I think you were a normal teenager. I didn't know where to go. Actually there were places to go but most of them were where the girls got pregnant. I knew there was something better for me than to just begin to reproduce with no real future.

6:28 PM

challenger3

Yoli I left at 18 and didn't turn back. Best thing that ever happened to me. My little brother moved out at 20 and it has been the best for him as well. Sometimes the tough love for kids is the best. They don't realize what it is like to be a mom, pay bills and try to keep yourself together for all.

6:28 PM

challenger3

swan that sounds good.

6:29 PM

David Alan

Bluesky - it's not my house. It's the one left in my fathers trust that I am trustee for.

6:29 PM

faithful

david when you were coming out of MLC did you started having feelings for your wife or not?

6:29 PM

challenger3

David thank you. In some ways I felt it was good and in other ways I think it was bad. He finally said I can't expect you to be emotionless. I said you are right I can't be. I am human.

6:29 PM

yoli

challenger3 Wow. That's amazing. You are a very strong woman. I don't think either one of the girls has ever thought of moving out on their own.   They really can't afford to support themselves. I'm serious.

6:30 PM

Bluesky

David Alan ahhh, so how is the housing market there? it is in the pits where I am.

6:31 PM

hepsy

hi still...

6:31 PM

David Alan

faithful - it's complicated. Those feelings are fickle. They come and go in large part based on how others treat us. My wife wasn't ready for me to be back at that place... and so it was (and is) a slow process of healing.

6:31 PM

Still

hepsy, Hi, how are you?

6:31 PM

David Alan

Bluesky - yep. Having a heck of a time finding a buyer.

6:31 PM

hepsy

ok. did you enjoy the beach with your kids?

6:31 PM

dani

Hi Hepsy, how are things going?

6:31 PM

mas

plumcrazy @26 Great advice to faithful!

6:31 PM

Still

hepsy I did. We had a wonderful time.

6:32 PM

yoli

Bluesky Well according to the OW, he has already sprung for it entirely too much. But get this. So younger one goes to NYU - which is one of the, if not the most expensive, private school in the nation. He said repeatedly that he was only going to pay for a BS. So he's convinced her to change her major and he will pay for an extra year if that's what it takes for her to get the BS. He really wants her to be an engineer. I don't think she knows, she just wants a degree where she doesn’t' have to work hard and make the maximum amount of money. I think that's what we all want.

6:32 PM

hepsy

I am happy for you still...

6:32 PM

hepsy

hi dani... ok...

6:32 PM

Still

hepsy Thank you. Did you have a nice holiday weekend?

6:33 PM

Bluesky

yoli so is he trying to live vicariously?

6:33 PM

Bluesky

hi hepsy, nice to see you. What are you doing for yourself these days?

6:33 PM

Bluesky

Still hey to you too.

6:33 PM

David Alan

I had to rebuild a lot emotionally. They didn't just rush back when I chose to stick it out at home.

6:33 PM

mas

yoli My H paid the rent on my D's apartment while she was going to school which I totally disagreed with! Of course, if I ever wanted anything I had to beg for it.

6:33 PM

swan

yoli - I wasn't too much into the getting pregnant thing that would have really messed up my plans of getting as far away from my parents as possible. But I was rather rebellious once I realized I could bully and manipulate them. My step-father was a drunk, my mother lived on mother's little helpers and it was how they dealt with life. Add to that the guilt they both were dealing with over the physical abuse and the molestation and by 16 I owned the house, so to say. I came and went as I wanted, didn't answer to anyone and barked orders like a drill instructor. Not proud of it, in fact have regrets now, but also see how God was watching over me then, I could have really messed my life up and somehow didn't - all God

6:33 PM

hepsy

david alan - even though you were struggling...did you still want your wife to believe in you?

6:33 PM

hepsy

hi blue - miss you...

6:33 PM

Still

Bluesky Hi Blue, hey back at you.

6:34 PM

David Alan

hepsy - absolutely. But she wasn't ready to do that. Caused me to doubt my decision for a long time. But I understood why she couldn't trust any more.

6:34 PM

yoli

Bluesky I don't think so. He's an engineer with a BS only. Older daughter now has 2 Bachelor's and wants to become a Nurse Practitioner or PA. I have 2 Bachelor's and a Master's. Yet, as an engineer, he makes a heck of a lot more money than I ever will.

6:35 PM

Bluesky

yoli hmmm.

6:35 PM

Still

yoli You have 2 Bachelor's and one Master's. I have 1 Bachelor's and 2 Master's. How funny!

6:35 PM

yoli

swan Sounds like you were reincarnated as my daughters. I know you have regrets. I know how much you've grown in God and what a Christian woman you are.

6:36 PM

yoli

Still Wow. You are educated. Way to go.

6:36 PM

David Alan

Still @ 35 - I don't have any! LOL!

6:36 PM

hepsy

david alan - what about when you were in mlc?? were you conflicted? did you still want your wife? did you want her to want you??or did it not matter...

6:37 PM

Still

yoli David Alan, I have all the loans to prove it. The second Master's was almost a PhD. I had all classes, but dissertation. Ran out of time and took the Master's.

6:37 PM

Bluesky

Still yoli I have nothing at all, and it scares me.

6:37 PM

yoli

Bluesky Yeah. But I do think he likes telling people that he has a daughter at NYU. It's a way to impress and right now, he's all about impressing. Even though he told me just a few weeks ago that he can't afford to give her everything she wants because of how much he pays for tuition. I was like, not my problem.

6:37 PM

challenger3

Still 1 BS, I Masters plus lots of student loans.

6:37 PM

faithful

yoli I really think is the field you pursue. For example I only have a BS in nursing and make pretty good money. I have no problems supporting my kids as a single mom. But, I have chosen to go back to school and get my master as a nurse Practitioner.

6:37 PM

hepsy

still - you are awesome... I am envious of your knowledge!

6:37 PM

Still

Bluesky There are many short term training programs that yield good incomes.

6:37 PM

David Alan

hepsy - Not when I was in the throws of my MLC. But as I moved into resignation and then acceptance of my life as it really was, it slowly changed.

6:37 PM

faithful

Yoli sorry I only have an associate degree.

6:38 PM

Still

hepsy Not awesome just addicted to education. It is a sickness.

6:38 PM

swan

yoli - MLC'ers often attempt to relive their lives through their children, could be that is what your husband is doing.

6:38 PM

challenger3

faithful I hear nurse practioner's are doing very well these days especially with the clinics in pharmacies like Walgreens. good luck to you!

6:38 PM

Still

challenger3 I hear ya! Loans that will never go away....eek.

6:38 PM

Bluesky

yoli I am kind of dealing with the same thing. I didn't agree with where d is going but you know what? I am not paying for it either.

6:38 PM

faithful

david is that when you realize you wanted to save your marriage.

6:38 PM

hepsy

david alan - I am still believing in my h... even though he acts like someone I don't know... did you do things unlike your normal character???

6:38 PM

challenger3

Still that is the best sickness you can have!

6:39 PM

David Alan

faithful - that's when I realized that it wasn't all about me.

6:39 PM

Bluesky

Still just not interested at my age to go to school, actually I wasn't interested at any age! LOL

6:39 PM

Still

challenger3 :38 yes, but costly.

6:39 PM

faithful

challenger but the student loans are worth it if you are making good money after you graduate.

6:39 PM

hepsy

still - awe.. don't say that! I admire you!!! You are amazing!!!

6:39 PM

Still

Bluesky Not for everyone!

6:39 PM

Still

hepsy Aww, big hugs to you my friend.

6:39 PM

David Alan

hepsy - you would have thought me a different man. And to be honest - it did change me in a lot of ways.   Even though I am past my MLC, I do see life differently than I did.

6:39 PM

hepsy

still - hugs to you too my friend....

6:40 PM

yoli

All: I think it's just the path that God put you on. Really. The first degree I have, I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought I wanted to be an engineer and quickly found out that I wasn't the engineer type. So I went the route of Geology. I had done well in the classes that I had taken. I worked for 13 years and didn't really like my job. Too male oriented. You wouldn't believe all the sexual harassment that I suffered. But back then, it wasn't very well known and I didn't say anything. The other degrees were kind of a fluke as well.

6:40 PM

challenger3

faithful yes but as 20 year old you don't realize the cost of raising a family. It has been a very long hard road to pay them back plus raise kids. I do regret it to an extent. However, I would not have my position if it wasn't for it.

6:40 PM

hepsy

david alan - wish you could talk to my h.... :(

6:40 PM

faithful

David I think that is where h is at and starting to be lonely.   He asked to keep the boys an extra day as it was a holiday. I let the boys stay with him Sun night. He is also starting to want and spend more time with his S27.

6:40 PM

Still

David Alan When did you realize you wanted your life back? I think my H is happy with his choice or at least accepting of it. He can't tell family and friends fast enough that we are done.

6:41 PM

yoli

swan I'm not really sure. I know that he gives in to whatever she wants out of guilt. She was only 15 when all this began. She knows how to work him. I know that he has a lot of regrets about things he didn't do, so yeah maybe that's what it is. I don't know.

6:41 PM

faithful

challenger that is true and I would have not borrow so much but at the time I needed them to survive as I could not go to work full time and h did not make that much money at the time.

6:41 PM

hepsy

hi mas...

6:41 PM

hepsy

you ok mas?

6:41 PM

plumcrazy

faithful I am glad to hear that your H is spending more time with the kids

6:41 PM

David Alan

faithful - sounds like he is moving into a place of realizing what he is losing and looking at things a bit differently now.

6:41 PM

dani

Bluesky....I got into sales a short time before my h left me.   I NEVER pictured myself in sales....but it has provided a good solid income....and that is the only reason I did it. I believe now that God absolutely directed me in that direction. Sales is not something that requires a certain level of education.

6:42 PM

yoli

Bluesky Exactly. I had absolutely no say so in her decision. But I also didn't appreciate being volunteered to give her a monthly allowance for food.

6:43 PM

Bluesky

dani that is good to hear. Yeah sales I can do. You have a home business right?

6:43 PM

swan

Bluesky - I was going to college at night in addition to working full time and taking care of my family, plus military responsibilities, Had only gone a few semesters and I had to postpone college, so we could afford for my husband to get his degrees. After he got his Master's and I was supposed to be able to start going again, but he would constantly pull things to make it impossible for me, I would get in a class here and there, but he always had a reason why I needed to wait until next semester and I fell for it. Now I wish I had maybe stood up a little firmer and at least gotten an AA. Being around people with multiple degrees sometimes makes me feel inferior.   Guess I could go back now, but working two to three jobs is kind of getting in the way. So either I am just full of excuses or will get there one day.

6:43 PM

David Alan

Still - I didn't want my life back. I wanted my life to change for the better - but not in a way that punished those who were closest to me. It came after struggling in my MLC for 2+ years.

6:43 PM

faithful

plum I am to and is so nice because the boys love going over to their fathers. I remember that year they did not see him. My s7 would cry for him every night. I just PTL that h is coming around even if its for the boys.

6:43 PM

faithful

plum how are things with you?

6:43 PM

mas

hepsy Hi hepsy, good to see you. No fireworks tonight?

6:43 PM

hepsy

mas - burn ban here... no fireworks.. you?

6:43 PM

plumcrazy

All   I have applied for a lot of different social work positions I want to get away from being one on one aide for special ed kids I got hurt 3 times this yr I have too many health problems and need a break after dealing with that and my H and D's mental and physical issues

6:43 PM

Bluesky

swan did that ever cause problems?

6:44 PM

challenger3

david and faithful my H tends to want to come over once a week to tuck the kids in. After he was gone for his week in CA he had to see the kids on that Sunday. The only thing that bothers me is that like this weekend, he does not keep the kids until the evening. He only keeps them for about 48 hours.

6:44 PM

mas

hepsy None for me, either.

6:44 PM

faithful

swan I have done a lot of my basic courses online and it really helps with my work and my kids schedule.

6:44 PM

David Alan

Hey all - I'm off to the airport. Glad I could drop in. God bless!

6:44 PM

Still

David Alan That makes sense. My H has never been able to tell me why he wasn't happy. The things he brings up are typically more than a decade old. He can't seem to tell me why he wants to end it.

6:44 PM

yoli

dani See that's who I feel about the profession that I have now.   I feel that God led me all the way.   I used to say that I was at the right place at the right time, but now I know that's not what it is. I had to get a Master's to work as a speech pathologist without supervision. I was in the second class that graduated with a Master's at the college that I went to. Because I had done so well in the undergrad classes I took to get the second Bachelor's, I basically got into grad school on that merit. I had just about finished when husband got transferred to where we live now.

6:44 PM

swan

yoli - our daughter can work her daddy too, it is a father / daughter thing, they honestly have daddy wrapped so many times. Which is why I think there is so much tension between our daughter and the other woman, neither of them wants to be second in his life.

6:45 PM

Bluesky

Still with my h they were very old too.

6:45 PM

yoli

swan Yeah, I also think that's why the OW hates both girls, but seems to dislike the younger one more than the older one.

6:45 PM

faithful

challenger my h stop seeing the boys for almost a year. He went into hiding and we did not hear from him. When he came back he started with just a few hours on Monday night. I let him choose how much and when he wanted to see them. It was up to him how much time and when he wanted to see the boys.

6:46 PM

dani

Bluesky, Yes, I actually am self employed and work for commission only. It was a scary step for me to take....but the good thing about it is, there is SOME control over income....the harder I work, the more income there is.

6:46 PM

Bluesky

swan interesting....my d can do the same with her dad. Should be interesting.

6:46 PM

plumcrazy

faithful H got lightheaded after being intimate and it freaked him out Said the room was spinning. I told him it wasn’t anything to be worried about I said you got that way after the stress test in the hospital and the cardiologist said it was a common reaction to the test. They did tell him he needed to start exercising he hasn’t been like he is supposed to

6:46 PM

challenger3

Swan you should go back to school. There is very little that you can have for yourself and education is one of those things. No one can take that from you and you cannot believe the feeling of accomplishment. I suggest finding a college that does night classes and understands that you have a job already.  

6:46 PM

Bluesky

yoli I just can't imagine choosing that person over his daughters. So sad.

6:47 PM

Bluesky

dani that’s cool.

6:47 PM

swan

Bluesky - my not having a degree? At first I willingly gave up going because it was better for the family for my husband to get his Master's. It did cause fights when it came the time I was supposed to get to go back, and it was a battle I was never going to win it seemed. After awhile, I guess I became defeated and gave up finishing. The part that still kind of sticks in my craw is the sowing and reaping, I sowed, boy did I sow into my husband's future, but the ow is reaping the benefits of it and I have been kicked to the curb like yesterdays garbage.

6:47 PM

yoli

Bluesky That's what just floors me. If I think enough about it, I'm just in shock that any of this is even happening. The OW is such a nasty, vindictive, manipulative person.

6:48 PM

dani

Yoli....is it time for a change?

6:48 PM

plumcrazy

faithful He said there wasn’t any chest pain so that was good wasn’t it?

6:48 PM

yoli

dani Not sure what you're referring to? A change in careers for me?

6:48 PM

yoli

dani Or a change in OW's?

6:48 PM

faithful

plum my h doctor told us that having a heart stent put in was just like an open heart surgery. Even tough they did not open him up they still have major surgery.

6:49 PM

plumcrazy

faithful Does your h have heart issues too and does he have stents?

6:49 PM

swan

challenger3 - not a whole lot of choices down here, there are a couple of schools that offer night classes, however, with three jobs, I often work nights as well. I have been recently looking into biting the bullet and doing the student loan route, just not so such I am ready to dive into that kind of debt at 50+.

6:49 PM

faithful

plum it could be from his blood pressure going up or heart beating to fast. It is hard to tell. But yes is good that there was not chest pain.

6:50 PM

dani

Yoli....a change in careers

6:50 PM

challenger3

faithful. I don't keep him from seeing them at all. I do give in to quite a lot for his visitation.   I am just wondering if in some ways he is showing his loneliness with some of these requests. Everyone tells me that I cannot believe him when he says there is nothing going on with OW but I don't see it happening. Not sure though. Some days he has no problem hugging and kissing me bye and other days he does. Today he did. Today after I cried I stopped him and gave him a hug. He did hug me back but then looked at me for a little bit and then said we both have a lot of realizations to go through.

6:51 PM

challenger3

Swan so sorry to hear that. Student loans done right can be a good answer though.

6:51 PM

faithful

plum yes he had a 98% blockage and had a stent put in. I think that is what threw him into MLC.   He does not take his medication or follow up with md. He is was having left shoulder pain yesterday and I told him he needed to see md.   He says he has not money and can not pay the copayment. I told him he needed to have another stress test since if I am correct cardiologist told me there was a 60% in another stent.

6:51 PM

yoli

dani For me? No.   I like what I do but during the summer, things are a little slow. See I don't do therapy. I really don't want to. I think was part of God's plan for me as well. I did therapy for 2 years at a school and then was moved to a team that only does bilingual evaluations. I've done that for the past 11 years. So when I have had to do therapy lately, I feel very inadequate and frustrated. Lots of very involved kids.

6:52 PM

plumcrazy

faithful I read that they are supposed to lay down and rest and if not better in 15 min go to ER Does that sound right. Now he doesn’t want to be intimate cause of that I think it scared him

6:52 PM

yoli

All: I have to take care of the dogs. Thanks for your help.

6:52 PM

challenger3

dani I am sales person as well. Love it as far as income is concerned.

6:53 PM

faithful

plum yes that is true. he chest will feel tight like and elephant sitting on him, pain to left shoulder, jaw and upset stomach.

6:53 PM

challenger3

dani also schedule is flexible as well.

6:53 PM

dani

Challenger....yes, I agree.

6:53 PM

swan

challenger3 - I spent most of my life putting my husband and my children first, no one to blame but myself. I never dreamed my husband wouldn't keep his end of our agreement when it came time, but then I didn't know anything about MLC then nor that it was making its earliest appearances when it came my turn. Life is what it is and all we can do is dust ourselves off and trust God to pick us up.

6:53 PM

faithful

challenger I know is so hard because their emotions come and go.   One day he was nice the next he was so hateful. Lately he has been very sociable and more like himself.

6:54 PM

plumcrazy

faithful Why are they so stubborn about seeing DR. Don’t they realize their health affects the whole family. You think they would want to take care of themselves for their kids at least

6:55 PM

dani

Challenger...I also felt that MLC was the best training for sales! I told my friends....after I got used to my husband rejecting me and still reaching out to him.....there was nobody out there that could intimidate me with their rejection!! :)

6:55 PM

challenger3

swan well said and I understand completely. I kept telling my H that he needed to go back to school. He refused and is now saying that he wants to and that he should have done it a long time ago. We will see what he does with that idea but at least he sees that mistake.

6:56 PM

faithful

swan @53 that is so true. We can always look back and wonder at the what if but there is nothing we can do. We need to pick up ourselves and go on. That is what I told my daughter. She wanted to know why I always look nice when h comes around. I told her I was not going to give h the satisfaction of seeing me down, depress and needy. I wanted him to know that I can lift my head up high and I am not defeated.

6:56 PM

challenger3

plum, I hate doctors as well. My dad is the same way about Drs and he has a bad heart problem.   Maybe they just feel that seeing a doctor makes them feel weak.

6:56 PM

faithful

plum I know that is what I tell h and not long ago he said I would be better off if he died. I told him not to talk like that and that was not true. I told him to do it for his kids.

6:57 PM

dani

Faithful....that is a wonderful attitude....and great example for your daughter.

6:57 PM

dani

Hi Cindy, how are things?

6:57 PM

challenger3

faithful it is such a rollercoaster ride. One day I can be very loving towards him and then the next he pulls away.

6:58 PM

cindy

Dani...I just got here and the first thing I read was you @ 8:55.   I LOVE IT!! It's so true!

6:58 PM

faithful

challeger yes it is. How long have you been at it?

6:58 PM

swan

plumcrazy - FEAR - they are afraid of what the doctor will say, and if they can keep their head buried in the sand, they can hopefully ignore what is going on. Kind of the if it hasn't been named, then it isn't happening denial so many try to live life in.

6:59 PM

challenger3

faithful @56 GREAT attitude. That is how I feel as well. However, my breakdown this morning cost me a lot as far as that goes.  

6:59 PM

dani

Cindy....:)

7:00 PM

faithful

challenger that is true and that is one thing I try not do and that is to break down in front of him. Is not easy. Yesterday when he left I know he notice my eyes got teary.   I just wish I knew what he was thinking.

7:00 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 don't think that way.

7:01 PM

plumcrazy

faithful I wish you were closer I miss my ROOMIE!!!

7:01 PM

faithful

all have to go time to get kidos ready for bed.

7:01 PM

plumcrazy

faithful Goodnight Take care my friend

7:01 PM

dani

Challenger....please don't feel that way about the breakdown.   God really can use all of these things....and ask him to do so.....then trust him to do so.

7:02 PM

faithful

plum I know what you mean. People just do not understand you. My sister has been so understanding but she gets tired of it.

7:02 PM

Bluesky

cindy are you home or with the kiddoes?

7:02 PM

challenger3

dani @55 very true. The funny thing is that I have been in a sales position for the last 15 plus years. I take rejection better than anyone so it is amazing that everyone thinks that I would just walk away when it gets tough! Most tell me that I can do better. Our local sports association executive committee does not like him anymore. Everyone that we created friendships with are very upset with him.  

7:04 PM

dani

Challenger...I know. It took a couple years for us to renew our friendships with people that we used to hang out with before MLC. They had a difficult time putting it behind them....and he had a difficult time not feeling ashamed in front of them.

7:04 PM

challenger3

dani and blue..Thanks..I am just chalking it up and trying to move on. Maybe It helped who knows. He did a lot of reassuring me that I have not been replaced because that is how I felt.   He said you have not been figuratively or literally. My D also made sure she knew that I knew she loved me more than anyone else including her natural mother..I have adopted her. I think he told her some of my insecurities. Again I didn't make it about losing him just dealing with the changes.

7:05 PM

cindy

bluesky...I'm home but missing them and keeping up with the pictures my daughter sends me.

7:05 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 will you refresh me on your situation please.

7:06 PM

challenger3

dani I have asked this question of others but have not received any answer. Do you think there is any merit to the fact that he has not removed pictures of us off his facebook page and has actually kept them in his profile.

7:06 PM

Bluesky

cindy thank goodness for today's technology.

7:08 PM

swan

All - it is time to say goodnight, please wrap up your comments and questions, also remember to keep one another in prayer this week and join us again Wednesday for chat

7:08 PM

challenger3

Blue, married 9 years but together 11 1/2 years. My D was 2 1/2 weeks old when I met my H. We dated and then married right before we were able to get full custody of her.   Natural mother is bipolar and now lives in Texas but in and out of jail-drugs, fraud etc. She signed rights away about 2 years ago and I adopted her the next month. She has only known her real mom for about a year of her life. We maintain full contact with her natural Grandmother though. Very strong relationship with her though. H lost father about 2 1/2 years ago and mother about a month ago. Claims he has been unhappy for sometime. Started reaching out to friends from High School via Facebook and started hanging with them more and more staying out late etc. Moved to a friends in January and just got his own apt in June.

7:09 PM

cindy

Good night all! Have a blessed week!

     

7:09 PM

dani

Challenger...I know that we want to read something into everything they do. The thing is, about MLC....their brains are all over the place....so something that seems very logical and meaningful to us.....they don't even notice.     However!!!...I DO know (according to him) that my husband did think about me, the family, our life, the confusion in his brain...etc....and I am certain your h is doing the same thing.

7:10 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 great, thanks. Do you have other children?

7:10 PM

challenger3

dani I believe that he is. the reason I ask about it is because this group of friends started through facebook and the OW is there as well. Just thinking he would have made that move if he really felt divorce was imminent. not sure just thinking

7:10 PM

challenger3

blue son 7 as of yesterday.

7:11 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 oh yes.

7:11 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 Facebook is such trouble, ugh.

7:11 PM

challenger3

again he claims there really is no dating going on and they just see each other during these gatherings but he found that he had feelings for her. It started over conversing via facebook chat about my D

7:12 PM

challenger3

blue yes it should be called, "divorcebook" We probably have more in MLC due to facebook than from anything.

7:12 PM

dani

Good night all...Will be praying for our group tonight!

7:12 PM

plumcrazy

All I am going to go Take care! Can you please include my H and D's physical and mental health in your prayers? I know they are helping seeing major improvements in D's physical and mental health and H 's physical health

7:13 PM

challenger3

plum your H will be in my prayers. I will pray for his health. It is tough enough to deal with the crazy emotions but to put the health into it does not help.

7:13 PM

swan

challenger3 & Bluesky - along with classmates.com, match.com, and eHarmony - all very hazardous on marriages.

7:13 PM

challenger3

swan very true.

7:13 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 yes, but technically Facebook was only for the college students. My kids (both college age) argue that point all the time with me.

7:13 PM

challenger3

mas you doing Ok?

7:14 PM

plumcrazy

challenger3 Thank you It is his mental health that prayers need to be for. He is in such torment

7:14 PM

challenger3

blue very true. I was on it and removed myself. I know it is getting late. I always hate saying good by

7:14 PM

plumcrazy

Goodnight all

7:15 PM

Bluesky

mas, are you getting out and doing stuff for yourself?

7:15 PM

swan

challenger3 - the first other woman was someone my husband went to grade school with, she found him by using her position as a police officer at the airport and within three emails was telling him things a married woman shouldn't be telling another married man. She was bored with her life and wanted to look up old friends, people she hadn't seen or spoke to in over 30 years!!! And then when my husband wouldn't commit to moving to St. Louis to provide for her, she did a little more searching on him and found that he was still married. When she confronted him and he told her divorce wasn't an option, she invented a reason for there to be a divorce. She tried to convince me I needed to leave my husband posing as a wife also going through what I was on a website, she engaged and I blindly communicated with her. She took the things I actually said, did the old cut and paste and forwarded her version to my husband. He refused to look at the actual text, said I had altered it after getting caught stalking her. And from there it just got uglier. But in the end, they broke up too, however, the damage was done and to punish me, he actually said that he wanted to come back to me, but couldn't because of what I had done to her, so he found others and eventually married one of them.  

7:16 PM

Bluesky

well, I guess we should say goodnight. Swan I hope you got a day of rest today.

7:16 PM

challenger3

swan WOW! the nerve of people these days..I guess this kind of stuff always happened but really it was shunned at a certain time so people thought twice about it.

7:18 PM

Bluesky

goodnight all

7:18 PM

mas

Goodnight everyone. Happy 4th of July!

7:18 PM

challenger3

Happy 4th. good night all.

7:06 PM

challenger3

dani I have asked this question of others but have not received any answer. Do you think there is any merit to the fact that he has not removed pictures of us off his facebook page and has actually kept them in his profile.

7:09 PM

dani

Challenger...I know that we want to read something into everything they do. The thing is, about MLC....their brains are all over the place....so something that seems very logical and meaningful to us.....they don't even notice.     However!!!...I DO know (according to him) that my husband did think about me, the family, our life, the confusion in his brain...etc....and I am certain your h is doing the same thing

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud