Midlife Dimensions

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New Year's Day - 1/1/11

3:46 PM [surety] Cricket : I will ... I think he is a little leery. I will ask again, if that would be an option for him.... I see how it goes. He has told me I am to serious, I think this roller coaster, keeps us very guarded, and serious.

3:48 PM [Cricket] Surety - Yes it's hard to lighten up. Jo used to make some notes of something cute or funny to share as she knew she'd freeze up being nervous. I'd have some light things to share or a reason to call and share something funny to open that door.


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January 1, 2011/Saturday 1-2 pm PST/CR#5.

3:01 PM [surety] Faithful: welcome...how are you and your kids

3:02 PM [faithful] I am a little tired. Stayed up till late playing monopoly with my s27 and his fiancé.

3:02 PM [faithful] Surety how about you?

3:02 PM [Bluesky] Hi all and happy New Year.

3:02 PM [Pualani] Hiya welcome to the first chat for 2011!

3:03 PM [surety] good afternoon all!!!! I need a little lift. I am a little angry with my circumstances today.....

3:03 PM [Pualani] surety @:03 what’s up?

3:03 PM [Bluesky] HI Surety, what’s wrong?

3:03 PM [Bluesky] Hi faithful and Renee, welcome

3:04 PM [Pualani] Hiya renee are you new to chat?

3:04 PM [faithful] All I was so upset with h that I did not respond to his email. I still have not responded. All he email was to ask me if the boys had boy’s scouts on Mon. No Happy New Year or anything. Is just so frustrating.

3:04 PM [swan] Hello everyone, how was your new year

3:04 PM [surety] well My h is in MLC you see and there is this friend and not me..... it will pass Just God's conviction on h, his choices, and that he will discover God and accept His path for his life, our marriage, and our family.

3:05 PM [renee] my first time just trying to get the hang of this

3:05 PM [Cricket] Happy New Year all, good to see everyone.

3:06 PM [Pualani] swan have you got some basic info regarding chat room rules? Mine's not to hand...

3:06 PM [Cricket] renee - That's okay. We all understand. We're here to encourage one another. I assume you are here because you are dealing with marital problems. Feel free to follow along or if you feel comfortable, share your story so we know how we can help.

3:06 PM [swan] Welcome Renee. We’re here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or names. Now, here’s how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person(s) you want to speak to before your entry. 2) If you post an entry before you're done, then start your next entry with the name followed by "continued". 3) Use the words “To All” for a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information. Feel free to just watch, or join right in. Some of us have known each other for many years and may be talking about fun stuff, but we're here to help and encourage you, so don't feel like you're interrupting. If you don't get to see some of the replies to your questions, then check the archives at www.midlife.com later.

3:07 PM [surety] faithful: I am sorry for his inability to answer or just be respectful... They just can’t right now. Please don’t have any expectations...it’s hard. But by asking about the boys schedule... was probably the only way he can communicate right now.

3:08 PM [Cricket] Surety- But that's a nice kind of tired. I loved playing monopoly, well all kinds of board games. Nice family fun.

3:08 PM [Pualani] Hi Hepsy and welcome to chat

3:08 PM [hepsy] hi Pualani. how are you?

3:08 PM [Pualani] Sorry Hepsy!

3:08 PM [faithful] surety I know but just out of courtesy why they have to pretend that we do not exist of have feelings

3:08 PM [surety] Cricket: faithful is the one this is meant for.

3:09 PM [Bluesky] Pualani - how are you doing? Is your son there?

3:09 PM [Pualani] surety @:04 Is it because this 'friend' is still on the scene that you are angry?

3:09 PM [hepsy] hi mas - how are you today?

3:09 PM [faithful] cricket yes it was a very nice family time. It was a very enjoyable evening.

3:10 PM [Pualani] hepsy @:08 Good thank you. My S14 is with me this weekend - the first time I've seen him in 3 months. So far he has behaved well, which I'm pleased about

3:10 PM [surety] faithful @ 08... I wish I could understand how to answer that. I hate that myself. and when they do it’s just not what we asked or expected. That's why we just can’t expect anything right now. They are not the men we met, fell in love with and married. They are hurting and lost..... They Need the Lord, first and foremost, and Him to direct their steps, and change their heart. I am sorry that he has you hurting.

3:11 PM [Cricket] faithful - The thing that happens is that we see a little bet of encouragement and then it hurts when they fall back into old habits. Please remember that they weren't broken over night and they won't be fixed over night. The New Year is a time of new beginnings and terrifying to mlcrs. Normally you know not to expect happy birthday, mother’s day or other holidays. It's just that you saw a peek of your H's good heart and it lifted you. He will continue to work his way, patience my friend.

3:11 PM [hepsy] hi renee - are you new?

3:11 PM [surety] Pualani @09... I guess. I hate the lies....I pray that God will make him into the H I deserve, no more lies, and hurt.

3:11 PM [hepsy] hi wiffe

3:11 PM [Cricket] ALL - renee shared that this is her first time. I encouraged her to follow along or share when she is ready.

3:12 PM [surety] Pualani: honesty hurts, but I'd much prefer it.

3:12 PM [renee] hepsy yes

3:12 PM [MAS] Hello all. Hi hepsy, how are you today?

3:13 PM [MAS] Welcome to chat, Renee.

3:13 PM [hepsy] renee - welcome to the group. everyone is very nice and supportive here. you have come to the right place

3:13 PM [faithful] Cricket @11 thanks I know that but it always affect me and puts me into some form of depression. I started fasting again and spending time in prayer. I do not want to let him affect me like he does.

3:13 PM [surety] cricket: is there a poison oak, nothing goes as planned prayer!! :o)

3:13 PM [wiffe] HI All

3:13 PM [Bluesky] renee welcome and feel free to share or ask questions

3:14 PM [hepsy] MAS - doing ok. I really wanted to open my mouth and confront my h, but I didn't. How about you? Did you manage to get through the rest of the evening?

3:14 PM [wiffe] all our weather has done a 180. Was 50 yesterday (yes that is abnormal) today it is like 15 with a very cold wind BRRRRRRRRRRR

3:14 PM [Pualani] surety @:11 Lies are awful and a real challenge to deal with

3:14 PM [faithful] renee sorry that you are here but this is a group that will not judge you only give you guidance. We have all been there in one form or another.

3:14 PM [Cricket] faithful - That happens (your H's reaction to you) when they feel a connection. They beginning feel a tug at their hearts and it terrifies them. It's actually a good sign because you know how nice it was recently and this shows he does too. It's very typical for them to enjoy time with us & family and then get scared & pull away. Stay consistent and warm regardless of how he acts. He's working his way out of the tunnel but needs time. It's very important that we stay consistent and be the stable one...that is a huge draw for them.

3:14 PM [MAS] faithful This happens to all of us. It's common to take a step forward and then two steps back. It's SO easy to do.

3:15 PM [surety] renee" sorry for my discontent..... Welcome.... we are here to help ease your pain, and be an ear anytime you need to vent or gain understanding from our experiences.

3:15 PM [wiffe] Cricket That is so true. H even mentioned yesterday of being drawn in. And I can see when he was and then he pulls back. Does it make it any easier? NOPE Still hurts

3:15 PM [Pualani] Sorry, been catching up on chat...welcome MAS and wiffe

3:15 PM [MAS] surety I'm so sorry you're hurting. IS it about your H's "friend?"

3:15 PM [surety] Pualani @14...I know it’s a big part of this whole MLC it just really hurts.

3:16 PM [faithful] MAS I know but, I am going to my sisters and we are going to cook together hopeful that will help me a little bit.

3:16 PM [Bluesky] surety it sure does. Is he going forward with the D?

3:16 PM [Cricket] faithful - What that tells you is that this is an area to work on. When your H does come home and begins reconnection, there will be ups and downs. The reconnection process takes at least a year or two so we need to be prepared for those waves. This is your time to recognize these cycles and practice working thru them yourself so that when he is home, you don't let those cycles through you.

3:16 PM [MAS] Hi Pualani. Happy New Year. Did you do anything special last night?

3:17 PM [Bluesky] Pualani I ask earlier but you may have missed it, is your son home with you?

3:17 PM [faithful] Cricket thanks I never taught about it that way. That is why I started to fast again and slow down my work schedule.

3:17 PM [surety] MAS: not sure what you are asking.... I pray God will block their friendship... sever; destroy all soul ties between them. Heal him, so He can trust the Lord with his life, his walk and our future.

3:17 PM [surety] Bluesky yes

3:17 PM [MAS] faithful @16: I'm glad you're going to your sister's. At least you have family to lend you support.

3:17 PM [Cricket] Wiffe - But when you understand that he pulls back because he's feeling drawn to you, it can help. We can look at it as a positive sign of his feeling drawn to us. That really is why he pulls back so knowing that is knowing that God is working in him.

3:18 PM [Bluesky] surety oh darn, I am sorry.

3:18 PM [wiffe] Cricket I understand

3:18 PM [Pualani] faithful @:16 My H used to have a real issue with hating liars and drummed it into the boys to be honest and here he is doing exactly what he told our boys not to. I tested him a while ago and asked if S14 had been in trouble with the Police whilst living there and he said he hadn't - but a Police officer had already told me of two other incidents where my S14 was involved with the Police - blatant lies!

3:18 PM [Bluesky] Pualani Lying is my biggest pet peeve.

3:19 PM [faithful] MAS I am very bless and I also have friend’s long distance who I can call.

3:19 PM [MAS] surety @17: Is he still involved with his friend? Is this what's getting you down?

3:19 PM [Pualani] MAS @:16 The village social club had a disco so we went there. S14's friend asked me to dance and I was the last one leaving the floor 3 hours later!

3:19 PM [hepsy] pualani - my h also was very vocal on how important honesty was. I have always trusted him. Nowadays, I am not so sure.

3:19 PM [MAS] faithful Thankfully, I do too. That is so important.

3:19 PM [faithful] Pualani- that is so true. My h was always so honest and always by the book. Bills were always paid on time and now I do not even know who he is. Totally different.

3:20 PM [surety] MAS: I assume so....I don’t have any real proof, and don’t want any, but he leaves little hints, and she is in our city...

3:20 PM [MAS] Pualani- That's great! Good for you!

3:20 PM [Cricket] renee - Most of us found this group because our spouses began pulling away or left telling us they aren't happy...saying things like: I love you but not IN LOVE with you, haven't been happy for a long time, we lost our connection, that we are too smothering or controlling, etc etc. Often they are drawn to an OW (other woman). It's like there is a mlc script that the enemy plays in their heads... There are many in our group who have worked thru this and restored their marriages.

3:20 PM [wiffe] All last month the pastor had me read a chapter of Proverbs a day. WELL January has 31 days and I'm going to do it again.

3:21 PM [yoli] MAS: How are you? Good to see you in chat. Things have been crazy for me since the retreat.

3:21 PM [Pualani] Bluesky @:17 Yes he is. There were lots of texts going back and forth between my H and myself. I laid it on the line what I expected and ended by saying those were the conditions for S staying with me. S arrived at 8pm on the dot. H was loitering in the shadows and took off as soon as I opened the door. I text him and thanked him for bringing him down as he seemed not to have heard me call it to him.

3:21 PM [faithful] Hello yoli nice to see you in chat. How have you been?

3:21 PM [Bluesky] yoli hiya, good to see you. It has been a while.

3:22 PM [MAS] surety I'm sorry. I know how much it can hurt...even not knowing for sure.

3:22 PM [yoli] faithful: Hi, how are you? Just thought I would see who was on chat. How are your kids? You? Doing well I hope.

3:22 PM [Bluesky] Pualani- that is great, improvement whoohoo, And you danced the night away.

3:22 PM [Pualani] Bluesky @:19 You can't build on a foundation of mistrust can you?

3:22 PM [yoli] Bluesky: Yes, it's been a long time. Things have really been crazy and hectic for me. I'm good though.

3:22 PM [faithful] Yoli we are all doing well. H has been consistent in picking them up every monday and has spent quality time with them.

3:23 PM [Cricket] surety - One thing to remember is that our H's lie due to their guilt and they're afraid to hurt us. If they didn't care, they wouldn't worry about telling us the truth. I think all of us feel our H's had been honest & trustworthy before mlc. MLC has them so messed up that they are ashamed and lie due to their own turmoil. They aren't lying just to lie, but because they do care and hate hurting us

3:23 PM [faithful] yoli any more mission trips plan?

3:23 PM [hepsy] faithful - how are things with h?

3:23 PM [yoli] faithful: Well yeah. I'm sure your kids miss and love him so much. It's good that he's able to see and pick them up regularly.

3:23 PM [MAS] yoli Hi, Happy New Year! I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I've wanted to call, but assumed you were busy with the holidays and everything. How are you? Have you moved yet?

3:24 PM [Bluesky] yoli how was Christmas with the girls?

3:24 PM [faithful] hepsy same old same old. One day he is friendly the next is distant. I am glad I do not have to see him Mon. I am not in the mood to see him. I will be in church so he will drop the kids at church.

3:24 PM [Cricket] Yoli - When I got Aloha's email - I thought of you and how you two joined together. I was so glad you responded to her email.

3:24 PM [yoli] faithful: The trip to Guatemala is already in the works. Meetings are going to start taking place soon. It's scheduled for the week after Spring break which I don't like, but there's nothing I can do.

3:25 PM [hepsy] faithful - I am sorry... I don't remember - I know you were married 28 yr. did you ever get d?

3:25 PM [surety] Cricket : thank you ..... it helps to hear that.....

3:25 PM [faithful] hepsy so I have not gotten d. I am waiting for him to file.

3:25 PM [Pualani] MAS @:20 My knees are killing me today though!

3:25 PM [Cricket] Pualani - I love that. I love to dance and I'm actually mad at myself that I didn't go to a New Years Eve party. I've gone alone many times and just danced alone to a band I absolutely love. This year I was about to go and didn't. It turned out that two groups of friends of mine went and I'd have had a great time... AND this was the one time I didn't go.... I' can dance all night too. Love it.

3:25 PM [faithful] Hepsy I meant no I have not

3:25 PM [MAS] Cricket/surety @23: Yes, my H has told me repeatedly that he doesn't want to hurt me, yet he keeps doing it anyway.

3:25 PM [hepsy] faithful - do you think he will?

3:26 PM [surety] MAS : maybe I am strange, but I do not want to know and want no details. Just that when our marriage is restored, he is sorry for his relationship with her, and that is over.

3:26 PM [faithful] hepsy who knows he has not mention anymore since last year and I do not bring it up.

3:26 PM [Pualani] Oh hi Yoli and welcome to chat. Sorry S14 has been in looking for a drink

3:26 PM [hepsy] faithful - is h living with someone?

3:27 PM [faithful] surety amen to your respond @26

3:27 PM [yoli] All: Okay since the retreat, I was able to buy another house. so I had to fill out paperwork and go to the closing within 4 weeks. We closed on 12/20 and moved on 12/21. It's a smaller place so lots of things had to go to storage for older daughter. Younger daughter came in on 12/22 but I didn't see her until last Thursday. So we've been in the house for about 10 days.

3:27 PM [faithful] hepsy I have no idea and I do not ask and do not want to know.

3:27 PM [hepsy] faithful - how are your kids handling it?

3:27 PM [surety] Yoli: Thank you for your sweet text this morning..... I haven’t taken the time to respond back..... Maybe in March we can celebrate our birthdays with that trip.

3:27 PM [Bluesky] MAS Cricket Surety, mine has never said anything about not hurting me, Just never said anything, just left and never looked back.

3:27 PM [MAS] faithful@25 Me too. It's like always waiting for the other shoe to drop, isn't it?

3:27 PM [faithful] yoli good for you. Is so nice to be able to accomplish things on your own.

3:28 PM [swan] yoli - Congrats on the new house, be sure to anoint all the doors and windows as part of your move in.

3:29 PM [Bluesky] swan I love that you remind us to do that.

3:29 PM [faithful] MAS I am betting now that he has a better job he is probably saving the money and yes I am waiting for that bomb to drop. Hopefully it will never happen.

3:29 PM [yoli] All: So my life has been very hectic to say the least. The holidays started out ok, but after about 2 days, the girls began fighting. So much so that the dad had to talk to them together. Then after the talk, they both came home and took it out on me. Younger daughter went ballistic on me and has blamed me for a lot. Primarily she didn't like my attitude. Said that's why older daughter doesn't come around me much. Oh, did I tell you that husband had lithotripsy done on 12/20 and older daughter was there with him the entire time. Where was the OW? At work. She never went to the hospital. Interesting?

3:29 PM [Cricket] Yoli - Congratulations on your new home.

3:29 PM [MAS] Bluesky@27: Like I said the other night...whatever our situation is, and whatever our H's do or don't do, it's hard no matter what.

3:29 PM [surety] yoli : the house.... that is great.... congratulations!!! I know that was a big stressor for you.   I got beautiful pics at the beach that day and can print them to hang if ya like

3:30 PM [faithful] Surety the kids are doing better, still cry for their father but they are seeing the truth for their own. S27 is doing better and finally forgave his father and is dealing with all that anger he was holding onto.

3:30 PM [Cricket] Bluesky - I don't know that mine said anything to me about not hurting, but I know he hates it. I know thru mutual friends that he hated hurting.

3:30 PM [hepsy] hi dogwood - you doing ok today?

3:30 PM [dogwood] All-- Happy New Year!

3:30 PM [surety] faithful : he sees the kids though, and that is good for them right?

3:30 PM [Pualani] Cricket @:26 I have a praise to share. S14 danced to a couple of slow numbers with me. When 'When I fall in love' by ? Nat King Cole came on, I suddenly burst into tears. My S looked at me and held my head against his chest until the song finished. When it ended he asked why I'd cried and I told him I realized that this was the first time I'd had a slow dance with anyone apart from his dad. He gave me a hug and I pulled myself together. For a moment I had a glimpse of a more mature lad... :)

3:31 PM [Cricket] MAS - Yes they don't want to hurt, but they really can't help it. MLC really is an illness. It's much like an alcoholic wanting to stop, knowing it is damaging their life & health but they keep drinking or a drug user. Much the same.

3:31 PM [Bluesky] Cricket MAS that’s good to know. The callousness is just unbelievable. From one day loving you to the next not.

3:31 PM [hepsy] morwenna - how sweet......

3:32 PM [yoli] All: Thank you all. I appreciate the kind words. I mean, we moved on Tuesday and I worked on Wednesday and Thursday. So in the time I was at home, I was torn between trying to unpack and write reports. I thank God for all the work and for helping with the house. Yes, I was stressing out about it. But the paperwork got done and everything worked out really well. I just hate the questions they have to ask about "husband.' For the paperwork. The loan officer that helped me made me cry afterwards. she called to thank me for allowing her to do the loan. She commented how I was very pleasant and almost like she didn't understand what happened to my husband. so I cried quite a bit with her over the phone.

3:32 PM [surety] Pualani: I cannot listen to that song. When my previous h died it was like him talking to me..... I rips me apart.

3:32 PM [faithful] surety yes he started seeing the kids after almost a year of no contact. D13 still does not go with him she still has issue to deal with, s27 only talk to him by email. I don't think he is ready to face him. He is afraid to see his lifestyle. My s27 is a strong Christian.

3:32 PM [MAS] surety You are very forgiving, but I understand what you are saying. I would just be happy for H's remorse and for my marriage restoration as well.

3:32 PM [Cricket] Pualani - WOW - That really was a praise with how your son has been behaving. YES you saw a glimpse of the work God is doing in him.

3:32 PM [yoli] Surety: That would be great. I don't know what to put up on the walls. Girls told me that even though I had all the pictures, of family including husband, that didn't mean that I had to put them up.

3:32 PM [hepsy] Pualani- Christmas a.m. my h gave me another writing pen - totally non personal. My s22, however, gave me a beautiful heart charm for my bracelet. I was overwhelmed with emotion - and could hardly contain my tears as I thanked him..

3:32 PM [Bluesky] Pualani what a wonderful praise.

3:33 PM [surety] faithful : 13 is a hard year..... they go through a huge change, and adding MLC doesn’t help.... She will come around, it will take a while but she will.

3:33 PM [Pualani] surety @:32 Oh sorry if my mentioning it has hurt you? (((((((HUGS))))))) I was shocked by my sudden tears and on the dance floor as well...

3:33 PM [Bluesky] yoli it must be hurting to them right now as well.

3:34 PM [Cricket] Surety - That is a good attitude :26 - no details, etc. It really doesn't help to know and we understand that mlc is an illness. There is nothing accomplished by pushing for details.

3:34 PM [wiffe] all why does H try to say he raises our girls during the day and I do it at night. He claims it's been this way the entire time?

3:34 PM [Bluesky] hepsy I have to ask? Is it a Bic or like an expensive one?

3:34 PM [faithful] surety she is coming around. H show up with presents for them and she gave him a big hug. My h said that was the best Christmas present he could get.

3:34 PM [surety] MAS @ 32 thank you.... I just feel it’s happening, it’s not about me, I cannot change it in any way, so I do NOT want any details, just that he done, is sorry and that we will rebuild our lives together one step at a time.

3:34 PM [Pualani] Hi Dogwood and welcome to chat.

3:34 PM [surety] Pualani- no need to be sorry , it bring me to my knees every time I hear it.

3:35 PM [MAS] Bluesky @31: I know. It's still very hard to believe after all those years of being so close to someone.

3:35 PM [Cricket] ALL - Many of our H's think that if they came home, we'd expect them to recount everything that's happened, that we could never forgive them and we'd never let go of the past. It is very important that they see they can and are forgiven and that we can move forward fresh. They also need to see and trust that our changes are real, that we won't fall back into old habits.

3:35 PM [hepsy] bluesky -  actually it is a Cross pen . why?

3:35 PM [surety] faithful @ 34 they connect with the kids first, they say, and their family, then eventually but last us. So his connecting and participating with the kids is huge.

3:35 PM [yoli] all: Have to tell you about the Christmas party that I went to. The hair dresser always insists on straightening my hair so I let her on that day. I wore a plain black dress but I think it shocked people because at the clinic everyone wears scrubs. I wore black heels. Apparently, my cousin and I were quite the hit at the party. Everyone just kind of stared at us. On Monday after the party, my cousin and I seemed to be the talk of the office. Everyone wanted to know who I had taken. Some thought it was my boyfriend. I had lots of people tell me that I cleaned up really nicely. I have to be honest and say that I really did feel like Cinderella that night. I just wanted my husband to see me so that he could remember me. Does this sound silly?

3:36 PM [Pualani] hepsy @:33 What a lovely gift from your S. I guess your H couldn't give you anything too personal in case you read anything into it. A praise that he gave you a gift though  

3:36 PM [Bluesky] hepsy oh, sorry, it just made me laugh because he gave you one last year. He must have a "in" for good pens.

3:37 PM [Bluesky] surety do you have children? For some reason I can't remember.

3:37 PM [dogwood] hepsy-- thanks, I am having a great New Year Day with my son and his family. We are having DIL's parents and grandma and brother visiting. The weather turned out to be lovely 50's in the Northeast town, walked to downtown and back just a while ago, great fun for the grandkids to be with their other grandpa and grandma, etc. feel great! although feeling sorry that H chose to be detached.

3:37 PM [faithful] yoli good for you and no it does not sound silly.

3:37 PM [hepsy] pualani - I know I should be grateful... I was sad because my h gave my daughter a beautiful heart charm for her bracelet. So it was like it was all backwards, you know??

3:37 PM [surety] Cricket @35... they have to forgive themselves too correct? my h keeps bringing up what I did, or didn’t do. I plainly told him the other day I understand, I know how he feels about that issue and I do not want to hear it again. Was that not a good idea?

3:37 PM [faithful] dogwood that is the sad part because our h miss out on a lot. No matter what they are the one that loose out not us. Is just so sad.

3:37 PM [surety] Bluesky : we do he has 1 and I have 4......

3:38 PM [Bluesky] yoli what fun! Good for you. And no it isn't silly.

3:38 PM [Cricket] Hepsy - Most mlcrs do not give any gift at all for any holiday. If they are home, and they feel they are expected to give something, they do usually pick something impersonal because to do otherwise is a commitment or they feel gives us false hope. ALSO they can't handle any responsibility including shopping for anyone.

3:38 PM [hepsy] bluesky - my kids were like "does he not remember he gave you a pen last year??" Honestly, I don't know why the disconnect unless the alcohol has damaged his memory or something.

3:38 PM [yoli] All: Okay, so older daughter told me that she never liked the house that I had bought after husband's divorce. She then went on to tell me that husband will figure out what he has done but not until after she moves out of his house. She's the one that takes care of him. She also said that he has too much pride to ever come back to me. All this while I was sweeping the floor at the old house since the movers had taken all the furniture. I just cried because I couldn't believe that she thought she has everything figured out. She knows more than God does. Also, for the first time in 5 years, I didn't send husband a birthday card, text, or message of any kind.

3:38 PM [Pualani] yoli @:36 Not at all! I made sure I was dressed and made up for when my S arrived even though H was just lurking in the shadows and may not have seen much. I'm sure your will have noticed - you go girl!

3:38 PM [faithful] hepsy is just like when h first left he brought d13 red roses and me yellow roses. That was so painful. Is just like another stab in the heart.

3:39 PM [surety] Cricket @ 34... I don’t think the details at least for me would help any way, and I do not need any reason to retaliate, which I do not do anyway...... I need no ammo to hurt him with, knowing there was a "friendship" as he calls it, is enough for me.

3:40 PM [hepsy] faithful - I know.. I love my daughter and I don't want to feel jealous of the relationship they have.. but sometimes I do. He still tells her he loves her - I haven't heard those words from him in 3 years....

3:40 PM [Bluesky] yoli oh that 'pride'.

3:40 PM [dogwood] faithful= yellow rose’s means friendship while red roses mean "love" right? I know how you felt

3:40 PM [Pualani] hepsy @:37 Yes I know. I have not had a card, gift, nor a kind word - not even are you OK from my H since he went. As if his feeling turned off completely

3:40 PM [Cricket] Surety - They do have to forgive themselves. BUT keep in mind, often they need to talk and they need to get things bothering out of their system. I'd try to listen but it's fine to tell them you've let it go, it's forgotten & there is no need for him to dwell on it. Always show them you are willing to listen (even if some of it is hurtful). Some of them do need to talk about some things that happen and often those things aren't comfortable for us to hear but it's something they have to work thru

3:40 PM [faithful] dogwood yes and I confronted him with it and he meant it that way. He only wants us to be friends.

3:41 PM [yoli] Cricket: Yeah about Aloha. It made me so very sad to read her email. It made me think of how our lives are really very short on this earth. Also made me think about all the health issues my husband has. His body seems to be deteriorating so very fast. He just turned 51 but because of his health and all the stress he's put on himself and all of us, he looks like he's 70. His body is like that of an 80 yr old that never took care of himself.

3:41 PM [hepsy] Cricket - I agree that my h wants the gift to be impersonal.. he even wrote "from Santa" as not to suggest it was from him. However, he has no problem buying gifts for our kids..

3:41 PM [surety] Cricket : thanks... we don’t talk by phone, because the last two times I have been unable to keep my composure and cried. I think, know that is too hard for him.

3:42 PM [Cricket] Dogwood - I'm so glad for you. Sadly many of these mlcrs miss so much as they detach from their families. Some haven't even seen new grandchildren. They really isolate themselves due to their guilt and shame.

3:42 PM [dogwood] faithful-- my h says the same thing that he cares for me but not as husband and wife, he wants to be friends only, and he does not have the husband's love for me anymore... Hey, that is just what they go with their feeling.

3:42 PM [Bluesky] Cricket, swan, my son's kitty is so so funny. Last night after midnight, he wanted to play more and d won't let him in her room due to her allergies. So he sat in front of her door for about 40 minutes pawing under the door and meowing. Then I came out to talk to him to stop. So he races to my room (on the other side of the house) and dives behind the bathroom door to play in the door jam.

3:43 PM [yoli] Dogwood: How are you? Good to see you. I worry about you. Did you get in contact with the Farrel's down your way? I hope so.

3:43 PM [Pualani] yoli @:41 My H is the same age and I shared recently how hunched and tired he looked as we left court. Considering he'd just been granted his divorce he looked as though he was carrying the world on his shoulders

3:43 PM [hepsy] dogwood - I am glad you are having a good day. It is good to hear the happiness in your voice. Your husband will regret all that he is missing one day.

3:43 PM [Cricket] Hepsy - It can go either way. Some don't buy gifts for even the kids. Some do that as they feel guilty and can even go over-board buying kid’s gifts trying to hang on. But consistently they avoid buying us cards or gifts

3:43 PM [Bluesky] hepsy 40, I have felt that way too.

3:43 PM [hepsy] bluesky - I know you and I share that as our daughters have close relationship with their dads..

3:44 PM [faithful] yoli I know it made me sad even though I never met aloha but I think of my h and his heart problems. That is one of the reason s27 reach out to him because he is afraid of h having a heart attack. he is having symptoms of a blockage.

3:44 PM [surety] renee: what brought you to MLD....

3:44 PM [yoli] Pualani: Isn’t that interesting? Now he can spend the rest of his life trying to convince himself that he is "happy.'

3:44 PM [faithful] dogwood that is good that you are enjoying your time with your grandbabies. Life is too short.

3:45 PM [Cricket] Surety - I'd really really try to work on being able to talk with him by phone. Your H needs to feel that he can talk with you and when we can't keep our composure, they feel that we can't let go of the pain or forgive. Being able to talk to us by phone is a start to connecting.

3:45 PM [swan] Bluesky - sometimes the things that entertain kittens is amazing, I had one who loved to chase the caps from soda bottles. Dropped one on the floor one day and she was right there and off, so we would usually give her the cap whenever we would finish a soda.

3:45 PM [yoli] faithful: Wow. Make sure he gets to the doc. Although mine thinks he's smarter than God and knows what meds he needs. According to older daughter, husband is on the verge of having a stroke because of the high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

3:45 PM [dogwood] faithful-- yes, making sure for him to see a doctor

3:46 PM [Pualani] yoli @:44 Yes, he can! Last night as I danced I thought of how my H wouldn't have wanted to go in the first place and how if he had gone he'd have refused to dance until he’d drunk enough to barely stand upright. I had such a laugh last night and I was aware that I wouldn't have had my H been with me

3:46 PM [MAS] renee: What is your situation? Is there anything you'd like to share?

3:46 PM [wiffe] All Pray on Monday. We are going for counseling.

3:46 PM [surety] Cricket : I will ... I think he is a little leery. I will ask again, if that would be an option for him.... I see how it goes. He has told me I am to serious, I think this roller coaster, keeps us very guarded, and serious.

3:46 PM [Bluesky] swan oh that is so true. I discovered after looking for his super light cat balls that he loves the golf ball sound on the tile and wood floor. When it bounces he perks up immediately.

3:46 PM [yoli] Pualani: Okay, so I missed something here. Where exactly were you dancing young lady? Was it to ring in the New Year? Good for you.

3:47 PM [Cricket] Bluesky - Yes they are so cute. My baby seemed to want to play after I fell asleep, especially when I was at my sisters staying in the travel trailer. I'd get to sleep & she'd run over the bed & me and around the trailer.

3:47 PM [Bluesky] Cricket OMG, this cat sleeps during the day and wants to play all night.

3:47 PM [renee] MAS h showing all the signs of MLC

3:48 PM [hepsy] hi plumcrazy

3:48 PM [Cricket] Surety - Yes it's hard to lighten up. Jo used to make some notes of something cute or funny to share as she knew she'd freeze up being nervous. I'd have some light things to share or a reason to call and share something funny to open that door.

3:48 PM [surety] welcome plum

3:48 PM [hepsy] renee - how long have you been married?

3:48 PM [yoli] Surety: Way back in the chat. Please don't worry about responding to my text. I just knew that if I didn't send it when I did, I would forget.

3:48 PM [MAS] surety @46: Maybe you can start with something humorous....maybe send him a "joke a day."

3:49 PM [renee] MAS has depression issues 2

3:49 PM [swan] Bluesky - paper balls are really cheap and offers hours of fun for kitty.

3:49 PM [renee] hepsy 25 yrs in Feb.

3:49 PM [surety] Cricket right now he just doesn't answer. Think it’s his way of not wanting to hear the hurt in my voice. Know he is the cause

3:49 PM [yoli] MAS:I think that's a good idea. I like the "joke of the day.'

3:49 PM [hepsy] renee - I think depression is a big part of it. I have been married 25 years also.

3:49 PM [Pualani] yoli @:47 Yes, ringing in the new year in the village social club. Most people were in fancy dress. The 24 year old female friend that my H had before he left was also there. I shared recently how I'd dreamt about hugging her one night and the next night she turned up at the party I was at. I went over and hugged her as in my dream. Last night I hugged her as well. No doubt my dancing antics will now get back to my H since I was dancing with teen/early 20s friends of my S14!  

3:49 PM [Cricket] Bluesky - I'd make her play during the day. I have some toys that I try to play with mine with in the evening to tire her out. She crawls under the blanket next to me and sleeps a lot later in the night. This morning she cuddled late into the morning so I didn't want to get up & leave her.

3:49 PM [MAS] renee Are you still living together?

3:50 PM [Bluesky] Cricket she stays under the blanket?

3:50 PM [Cricket] Surety - Yes I understand so it's important to work on helping him see your pain lifting so he can feel comfortable talking.

3:50 PM [surety] yoli : you just always say the best things to make me smile. Like God said she needs your compassion right now!!!!!

3:50 PM [plumcrazy] All---Sorry I was reading back

3:50 PM [Bluesky] renee sorry to hear, is he still at home?

3:50 PM [Pualani] Hiya Plumcrazy and welcome to chat. We have a busy room tonight, but come on in...

3:50 PM [Cricket] Blue - Yep. The only thing is that she is very warm and sometimes makes me feel too warm.

3:51 PM [renee] MAS yes but he says he would be out if we could afford it

3:51 PM [yoli] Pualani: You go girl. Good for you. It's about time we all start going out and doing things we like. Just wish I didn't have 2 left feet. I can dance really well and have a lot of rhythm while sitting down. Don’t' get me on the dance floor though.

3:51 PM [surety] My folk made me some lunch.....I am going to go join them....Happy New Year and thank you for lifting me up..... Love each of you

3:51 PM [surety] !!!!

3:51 PM [hepsy] renee - do you have children?

3:51 PM [yoli] Surety: Thanks.

3:51 PM [plumcrazy] All---Went to a 50% off sale at goodwill Got 3 tops for me (one still had tags on it $39.95) a pair of pants for D and pajama pants for S all for $12.50

3:52 PM [dogwood] MAQS-- how are you doing?

3:52 PM [hepsy] plumcrazy - awesome!

3:52 PM [MAS] yoli "...dance really well when sitting down." I love it!  

3:52 PM [Pualani] yoli @:51  

3:52 PM [Cricket] renee - In a way that's a good thing that he doesn't feel he could leave financially. Anything that will buy us time so we can learn about mlc and things we can do to work on us is good. This can give you time to help him work thru mlc.

3:52 PM [Pualani] Snap MAS!

3:52 PM [renee] hepsy 2 at home 2 in college

3:52 PM [plumcrazy] YOLI----You need to give me some of your rhythm and coordination WOMAN!!!

3:53 PM [hepsy] renee - I have 2 in college also. How long has your h been like this?

3:53 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful ---Make up your mind are you staying or going? Just teasing you roomie  

3:53 PM [Bluesky] renee have you just started looking into this MLC or have you read some books of Jim already?

3:53 PM [Cricket] Rene - This is some into that Dr. Jim Conway tells us to help us see areas we can work on -------------THREE THINGS-Men complain about - How you're doing in these 3 areas? Midlife men complain that their wives....1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children)...2) are overweight, out of shape, and don't care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg)...and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

3:53 PM [faithful] Plum I am trying to do two things at one in the computer. I am not that talented.

3:54 PM [MAS] dogwood Hi, Happy New Year. Glad you're having a better day today.

3:54 PM [renee] hepsy showed signs for awhile I just didn’t know what I was dealing with

3:54 PM [plumcrazy] FAITHFUL--I mess up on the computer all the time and shut down chat windows  

3:54 PM [faithful] all I have to go and get ready to go to my sisters. I am still in Pajamas.  

3:54 PM [Pualani] faithful @:54 I was until an hour ago!

3:54 PM [renee] Bluesky read 1

3:54 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful---What’s going on at your sisters>?

3:55 PM [dogwood] MAS-- thought of you and hope you are feeling okay

3:55 PM [hepsy] renee - I have been going through this with my h for 3 years. He has emotionally detached from me. Sleeps on the couch. I was in the pit of despair then I found this site. You will get good support here.

3:55 PM [yoli] faithful: It was good seeing you. Happy New Year to you and your family. Take care.

3:55 PM [MAS] renee: Cricket is right. You can use this time to try and turn things around. Unfortunately, financial issues didn't stop MY H from leaving.

3:55 PM [Pualani] Wiffe, what sort of counseling are you going to?

3:55 PM [Cricket] renee - It really helped me to read Dr. Jim Conway's book Men in MLC. Also Sally's Book - My H's MLC is great

3:56 PM [renee] hepsy thanks

3:56 PM [wiffe] Pualani - we are going to the pastor for couple counseling. First time.

3:57 PM [Pualani] wiffe @:56 Is your H in agreement to do this?

3:57 PM [plumcrazy] CRICKET---I did dress up last night and did my makeup. H didn’t seem to notice so when H asked S to get him a coke I took it to H so he HAD to look at me to get it. Then later when I came down after putting kids to bed I saw him looking at me

3:57 PM [wiffe] Morwenna Yeah. believe it or not.

3:58 PM [swan] All, chat will be closing soon, please wrap up your comments and remember to keep one another in prayer.

3:58 PM [Cricket] Wiffe - Try to listen more than talk. Let the counselor or your H take the lead and prepare yourself not to get defensive. This is a great time to open doors of communication.

3:58 PM [Pualani] All, S23 just text me to check all OK with S14 staying with me for the first time in 3 months. He said he's been worrying about me all day - bless him!

3:58 PM [yoli] All: The ATT tech is here since we having had TV in about 3 days. There's also another contractor here working on the bathroom. So needless to say, I need to get going. I'll try and get back onto chat tomorrow. I've really missed not being here but I've had to try and get so much done. Thanks for everything. I appreciate you all. Man am I a hick or what? Anyway, back to work. Thanks again.

3:58 PM [MAS] dogwood You're so sweet, thank you. Well, I survived New Year's Eve, so I'm grateful for that!

3:59 PM [Bluesky] Pualani ahh, the middle child, responsible, caring, nurturing....

3:59 PM [Cricket] Plum - I was about to ask. I know he noticed... they just don't know what to say and try to avoid looking, but they are looking. You go Girl. I'm proud of you for doing that.

3:59 PM [Pualani] wiffe @:58 That's an excellent start!

3:59 PM [dogwood] cricket-- Any advice on what kind of healthy mentality to have when H leaves in mid evening out for 3 hours saying to his friends? or, drive out to make phone calls on cell for 1 1/.2 hour at night? I usually do not ask him where he's going, but feels hurt in my heart

3:59 PM [MAS] renee: As hepsy says, you will get a lot of support from everyone here.

4:00 PM [renee] MAS thanks

 

3:46 PM [surety] Cricket : I will ... I think he is a little leery. I will ask again, if that would be an option for him.... I see how it goes. He has told me I am to serious, I think this roller coaster, keeps us very guarded, and serious.

3:48 PM [Cricket] Surety - Yes it's hard to lighten up. Jo used to make some notes of something cute or funny to share as she knew she'd freeze up being nervous. I'd have some light things to share or a reason to call and share something funny to open that door.

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud