Midlife Dimensions

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Father's Day - 6/20/10

6:39 Ro828: David: I know. I'm just tired of hurting and being lonely. I know this won't last forever but it already feels forever and it's been years already. I know God's timing is not my timing but it's exhausting.

6:38 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:39 Ro828: Which is why you need people in your life right now. People like those here tonight. You need to know you are cared for and loved.

 


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June 20, 2010 / Sunday 6-7 pm PST / CR#1

 

5:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: My God will provide all your needs. Phil 4:19 -- A good reminder that we simply need to trust Him.

5:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - I know Father's Day is difficult, hope you all have remembered that our spouses are remembering us. Days like this are times that the many memories we share are with them as they are with us.

6:00 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey Swan, how are you this Sunday?

6:01 Plumcrazy: Hello Ladies

6:01 Swanlake: Hey Cricket - my Sunday is just fine

6:02 Plumcrazy: Hello Joannie

6:03 Joannie: Hi Guys!!!! Hope you've all had a good day! :)

6:03 Plumcrazy: Hello Still

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Plum how are you today?

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey Joannie & Still, hope you're having a nice weekend.

6:03 Still: Hi Plum, Hi Cricket, Hi Joannie, Hi Swan!

6:03 Still: Hi Yoli!

6:04 Swanlake: Cricket - just found out today that my father passed away in December, guess step-mother didn't feel I or my brothers had a right to know. Oh well, he wasn't a father when he was a live, so why would anything change. I don't know how to feel, I feel sad that he is gone, but don't know how else to feel about it.

6:04 Yoli: Still: Hey, how are you?

6:04 Plumcrazy: Joannie ---Nice quiet day here. Kids gave their Dad a card and a gift. Dad spent the day watching World Cup games. Overall a nice day

6:04 Still: Yoli, I'm good, how are you?

6:04 Yoli: Swanlake: I’m sorry about that.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Swan--So sorry you had to find out that way.\

6:04 Yoli: Still: I’m good. Nothing major going on.

6:05 Joannie: all, fixed lunch for my parents for Fathers Day. It so nice to smell the house after a real meal is cooked. It smelled homey.

6:05 Still: Swan, How incredibly insensitive of your stepmother.

6:05 Ro828: Swan: How awful.

6:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I understand completely. When they called work to notify me of my father's death, they worried about someone being with me. I really didn't feel any emotions as mine too was not a father to me during my life. He was terrible to my mother so it was like a stranger passed. Very sad.

6:05 Still: Hi Ro.

6:06 Ro828: Hi Still

6:06 Plumcrazy: Cricket --I had Dr's appt Fri. Said that I have plantars fasciitis. Now I have a migraine . Because of storm here

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Yoli & Ro828 - How was your weekend.

6:06 Joannie: Swan, I'm sorry but I understand where you are. Sending love through prayers to you!

6:06 Swanlake: Yoli - thanks, I never knew my father growing up, and he threw children away as he threw wives away. He was married four or five times, leaving each wife for the next. Heck his second wife was pregnant when he married my mother, there is only 8 months difference in our ages. I found him when I was 19, tried to connect, but it seemed more like I was always seeking his approval and getting rejection. Oh well, it is in God's hands now

6:06 Yoli: Cricket: It was okay, how was yours?

6:06 Ro828: Cricket: My weekend was great but I'm exhausted now. How about you?

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - That's wonderful. Remember Jim talks about how powerful the aroma of a home with a home-cooked meal is.

6:07 Ro828: Swan: 6:06. He must have been a very unhappy person

6:07 Joannie: All, after my parents left, it was like I couldn't keep my eyes open!

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli/All - I used this weekend to catch up projects around the home & yard. Church this morning & then met with good friends for coffee afterwards but it's been nice not to have things scheduled this weekend as my whole week was so busy.

6:08 Yoli: Swanlake: Wow, I'm so sorry. Yes, you're right it is in God's hands.

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - I haven't chatted with you for a while. How are things going with you these days?

6:09 Plumcrazy: Cricket ---I have been cooking dinner every nite. Getting away from the packaged stuff that I used during school yr, Will stick with it when school starts back up

6:09 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - my daughter send an engagement announcement to him and she got a letter yesterday from step mother that said, well I guess you should now ----- passed away in December 2009.

6:09 Still: Hi MAS, how are you?

6:09 Plumcrazy: HI MAS and David Allen

6:09 Joannie: Cricket, I know sometimes the weekends are to full and down time is needed to rest your body and mind and have time with God!

6:09 Yoli: Cricket: Good, I guess. Postponement on closing of house. The IRS is so slow at getting info to the buyers that it will have to wait until I get back from Bolivia. Went with new employee to talk to a school district on Thursday.

6:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Yes it's in God's hands. My father valued only himself and never his family but they now have to face our Father.

6:10 Plumcrazy: David---Happy Fathers Day

6:10 WTG4GOD: Hi ALL :)

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey MAS, David Alan and WTG4GOD... good to see you all.

6:10 David Alan [Facilitator]: Thanks. :-)

6:10 Still: Hi David. Hi Wtg!

6:10 Ro828: Cricket: Question. How does one handle loneliness? I'm very active, have a good amount of friends. Do things, but at the end of the day I come home and I'm alone. I'm having a difficult time with this. Any suggestions?

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: David Alan - How as you Father's Day.

6:10 Joannie: Hi DA!!! Happy Father’s Day!

6:10 Swanlake: Still - I think she just didn't know how to tell me, or maybe she thought I didn't care, I don't know. I tried to get along with her, but have to say when she let it slip that she was having an affair with my father while he was married to my mother I found it hard after that, I was civil, but we weren't friends.

6:10 Ro828: Hi MAS. How are you today?

6:10 Plumcrazy: Yoli---Did you get that new job?

6:10 WTG4GOD: Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers :)

6:10 Ro828: Hi David: Happy Fathers Day!

6:10 Joannie: MAS, we missed you tonight!!!!! Laneous was asking about you :)

6:10 David Alan [Facilitator]: Good Cricket. Thanks.

6:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Yes I was so glad to wake Saturday and know I didn't have to rush somewhere.

6:11 Yoli: Cricket: Saw younger daughter for about 5 minutes last weekend even though she's been back here for 3 weekends in a row. She also seems to prefer her dad and the OW.

6:11 Joannie: Hi wtg4 God, how are you?

6:11 Yoli: Plum: Well the job is mine for the taking. I'm just trying to get some details worked out.

6:11 Joannie: Yoli, that’s great!!!!!

6:12 Swanlake: Joannie - thanks, you guys here are my family and I always know I am loved by some of the greatest people God ever made.

6:12 Plumcrazy: Yoli--Are you excited about the job

6:12 Ro828: Yoli: 6:11 I don't get this. A friend of mine is going thru the same thing. His children prefer spending time with ex-wife and OM. I wonder why?

6:12 Yoli: Joannie: Thanks

6:12 Still: Swan, I had a similar story. I dearly loved my stepmother. She was better to me than my own mother most of my childhood. It wasn't until I had formed this strong bond that I found out she was an OW for 8 years of my parent’s 13 yr. marriage. by then I had already grown to really love her. She passed away 6 years ago and I still have never figured out how she could have broken up a marriage like that.

6:13 Yoli: Plum: Kind of. Not really sure what to think.

6:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Ro828 - I found keeping busy in the evenings helped, working out/exercise, I joined a bowling league and during the summer play Bocce with friends one evening a week. I've found activities that I can get involved with a few evenings a week which helps

6:13 Swanlake: David Alan - Hey, so Blessed Father's Day, so glad you have come to share a moment of it with us

6:14 WTG4GOD: Hi Joannie! I'm good - how are you?

6:14 WTG4GOD: How is everyone?

6:14 Plumcrazy: David---How long can you stay?

6:14 Yoli: Ro828:I think it's because I want to set rules and limits and it's easier to be with dad than me. I try to get to the root of things rather than glossing over them. OW can't stand either one of daughters yet they are over there taking it from her.

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - I think they're so afraid that their Dad will shut them out of their lives they gravitate to them to hang on. They know we'll be there for them. I do know that it's important that we're upbeat when they visit or call & don't talk about their Dad. Let them see you are happy & growing so it's fun to visit.

6:15 Swanlake: Cricket - that was my father too, the instant he wasn't happy, it was time for a new wife and as he said one time, kids are amazingly resilient, they adjust. Heck, I am 51 and I never adjusted to being thrown away by my father.

6:15 Plumcrazy: Yoli---How long will you be in Bolivia?

6:15 David Alan [Facilitator]: My pleasure. Thought I would drop-in and say hi.

6:16 David Alan [Facilitator]: BRB

6:16 MAS: Hi Still, Plum, Cricket, Ro828 Joannie, everyone. I'm good, how are you?

6:16 Yoli: Cricket: Yeah I think you're right. He continues to tell them that he will cut them off financially. He is creating all kinds of problems & doesn't seem to know it. OW gets everything that she wants without having to do anything.

6:16 Ro828: Cricket 6:13. I get the staying busy part, but it still doesn't help with the feeling of loneliness. I mean, I want to be hugged. I guess I miss the physical contact. Hugging, touching, and holding. I'm having a hard time with this.

6:16 Plumcrazy: MAS---Glad to hear you are doing good. How are you feeling

6:16 Yoli: Plum: About 7 days and 2 days for traveling. I leave on Thursday and get back on July 2nd.

6:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - When I was only 14 yrs old, my father killed his own mother because she was going to disown him if he didn't break up with OW & come home to be a good H to my Mom. I even found my grandmother's body after this happened. If my Dad could do that, how could I expect him to value us.

6:17 Joannie: MAS, I'm glad your doing well.

6:17 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:14 Plumcrazy: A few mins

6:17 Ro828: Yoli. Never thought I about it. You're probably right. One sets the rules the other let's the chips fall where they may.

6:17 Yoli: David Alan: How are you? Okay, so here goes. Do you think my h thinks about me and family when he sees daughters? He protects his money and the OW more than what he cares about daughters.

6:17 Swanlake: Still - well my step mother said, he wasn't happy and they were in love, so why should everyone be miserable, at least the two of them could be happy. They seem to only think of themselves, my step mother isn't a bad person, just put herself first

6:17 Joannie: Cricket, WOW, that’s a lot to handle at 14 yrs old!

6:18 MAS: Joannie: Hi Joannie, how are you doing? Please tell Alaneous, I'm sorry I missed group today...I was on the phone with a friend.

6:18 Yoli: Ro828:I think that's exactly what it is. I think the dads try to be their friend rather than parent like they should.

6:18 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:16 Ro828: Ro - while I understand the feeling of loneliness, be assured, it is shared by many of us - even those of us who are still married.

6:18 Ro828: Swan: I don't think anyone gets used to being 'thrown away' no matter who does the throwing.

6:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - Yes they try to buy the kids and or pressure them. Still as they see us moving forward, growing and happy in our lives without adding pressure to them, they will draw toward us. It's very important that we don't ask them questions about their Dad, etc and keep things light & positive

6:18 Joannie: MAS, that’s ok, just know you were missed!

6:19 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:17 Yoli: I'd be surprised if he didn't. They are a part of you and you are a part of them.

6:19 Swanlake: Cricket - I remember you sharing that with me before, I guess maybe it gives us some insight to how our own husband's can behave so irrationally, people do things and there really is no reason.

6:19 Yoli: Cricket: I never ask anything about their dad. I had to tell older daughter to stop telling me about activities and arguments that go on at her dad's. told her I don’t' want to hear it.

6:19 Plumcrazy: David--H and I went to a concert Fri nite. Sat. I asked him how I looked as I was wearing makeup. He was like I don’t know I didn’t pay attention. Why can he notice other women but not even notice that.

6:19 Ro828: Cricket 6:16. Oh my.

6:19 Joannie: All, I think that’s true also of having to get over never being good enough or doing a good enough job for someone like a parent.

6:19 MAS: Plumcrazy: I have a little virus (super bad headache also,) so I've been in bed a lot, but hopefully, I'll be okay in a few days. How is your foot and your migraine?

6:20 Ro828: MAS: What'd you do today?

6:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - So you're going to Bolivia for your work?

6:20 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:19 Plumcrazy: Because he has to drop his guard to do so...

6:20 Plumcrazy: MAS---LOL foot is ok Migraine is just nagging now

6:20 Swanlake: Ro828 - I agree, and for some reason I just refuse to stay in the trash can, keep climbing out and expecting not to be tossed back in. At least I know I can count on God to never throw me away.

6:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - I was thinking your kids were grown. Yes mlcrs don't want to discipline or set boundaries as need to be the good guy.

6:21 Joannie: Hey Gee!!!!!

6:21 Yoli: David Alan: Do you think they get tired of the nagging and controlling attitude of the OW? It seems to me that it's going to take a long time.

6:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - WOW... how did we let that happen?? LOL Glad to see you.

6:21 geebo2b: Hi Joannie

6:21 geebo2b: Cricket lol..yeah I sneaked past you LOL

6:21 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:20 Swanlake: God gets dizzy with joy when he thinks about you! :-)

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - How true. God is the one father we can totally depend on to be there for us and love us unconditionally.

6:22 Joannie: DA, amen!!!!!

6:22 Yoli: Cricket: No, the trip to Bolivia is a mission trip to an orphanage. Well my daughters are 23 and 19 so yeah I guess I would say they are grown. But they still need some limits or to have respect which they don't for their dad or OW.

6:22 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:21 Yoli: Well... it does take time. Be patient.

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - Well you did a pretty good job. How are you, what about your health & insurance?

6:22 Ro828: David 6:18. I have found that no matter how busy I stay, I still feel a sense of loneliness at times. I worry that God's will is for me to be alone the rest of my life. I really don't want that.

6:22 David Alan [Facilitator]: Hi geebo

6:22 Swanlake: Yoli - what Cricket said at 6:21 is so true, one thing my husband kept saying was he wasn't the bad guy, he would get so emotional about it, they just cannot stand when others think that of them, even in what they are doing.

6:23 geebo2b: Well my health is good for now.. no insurance yet. last emergency bills were picked up by Kaiser so I can breathe a little easier right now

6:23 Plumcrazy: David ---Another question. H is initiating intimacy more often and trying some new things. I asked him where these thing came form he said he read article. Is this to be considered a good sign. There is no OW

6:23 MAS: Joannie@6:18: Thank you, Joannie, that's so good to know!

6:23 Plumcrazy: Hi Geebo

6:23 geebo2b: Hi Plum

6:23 geebo2b: Hi David Alan

6:23 Plumcrazy: Geebo-- Glad to here the bills are being taken care of;

6:24 Still: Geebo @ 6:23....that is great to hear!

6:24 geebo2b: Plum yes..that is a blessing

6:24 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:22 Ro828: I understand. I don't either. But sometimes that loneliness can work in our favor - believe it or not - by driving us deeper into our Fathers arms.

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - The mission trip should be great. At least now that your kids are grown, I'd think you would be able to be more of a friend & not disciplinarian. A chance to become more friends as long as you aren't taken advantage of.

6:24 Joannie: RO828, don't forget that the enemy plays on your emotions, push/lean into God and rest in Him. He will meet your needs. {{{HUGS}}}

6:24 geebo2b: All: wow..today' father's day' was weird in LA

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - PTL that the emergency bills were covered. I know that was a real worry.

6:25 Yoli: Cricket: Yeah that seems like the normal course for us, however they still have a lot of issues and are so incredibly angry. They take it out on me.

6:25 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:23 Plumcrazy: Exploring his desires is a good thing... he is finally allowing himself to so. And he is doing that with you!

6:25 geebo2b: All: I had to work..I got on the freeway and figured I would be at work in 10 minutes, but when I went over the interchange to the 405..the traffic was stopped

6:25 geebo2b: Thanks Cricket yes

6:25 Ro828: Swan 6:20. I know exactly how you feel and I'm glad God loves me enough not to throw me away.

6:25 Swanlake: David Alan - thanks, guess I am just feeling a little emotional, bringing lots of thoughts up about him and I guess the things never said. I never expressed my thoughts or hurts to him, part of me didn't want to hurt him, the other part thought my father wouldn't really care how I felt anyway so why bother. But I know I can talk to God, my heavenly father and when I am done, I will cry, but He will take away my pain.

6:25 Plumcrazy: David --Thanks! I hope you are right!!!

6:26 geebo2b: All: of course..the stop was just past the last place to get off the freeway in time.. seems there was a fatal car crash a few miles up..took me 50 minutes to go 7 miles

6:26 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:25 Plumcrazy: Me too! ;-)

6:26 Yoli: Cricket: They tend to want money more than anything. That's what I don't have compared to dad. Even though he's losing job in a few weeks. Severance package is going to be very, very good. He's taking OW on European trip & remodeling bathroom, per the OW orders.

6:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - I'm sure your H is reminded of you when he spends time with D's. ALSO these things that the OW does and her resentment of his D's weigh more and more on your H.

6:26 geebo2b: All: this fatal crash was in the same spot where another nearly fatal? Not sure if the peace officer died) happened just under 2 weeks ago

6:26 Ro828: Yoli: My H been in a very controlling and domineering situation for 3+ years and he's still going strong. I think it'll be awhile if ever.

6:26 Joannie: Plum, remember just bc he's some doesn't mean he's out of the tunnel or done with MLC issues. DA has been there and know s what he's talking about.

6:27 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:26 Swanlake: He WILL comfort you in your pain. I guarantee... the pain will not last forever.

6:27 Joannie: Swan, AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

6:27 geebo2b: So I got to work late..then I was supposed to go see my youngest son for father's day lunch (my oldest boy is staying with a friend somewhere and I have heard nothing from him)

6:27 MAS: Ro828: I slept quite late this morning and then I spent much of the afternoon talking to friends. My next door neighbor came over to visit and told me she was moving, so I am looking into renting her house.

6:27 Yoli: Cricket: There have also been some nasty arguments and name calling at his place. Yet he told daughters that if they kept attacking OW, he was going to kick them out.

6:28 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:26 Joannie: So true!

6:28 geebo2b: All: so on my way after work to my son,, I was about to get on the freeway but heard a news report that a few miles up on the same freeway..was another major crash with flipped over vehicles and fires. So, I had to go miles out of my way to get to my young sons house All in all there were at least 3 Sig Alerts just for the 405 freeway today..and several other major traffic stopping crashes in LA today..IS IT FATHER'S DAY?? It seems weird that so many major crashes happened today and coming home I had to take back routes because another crash tied up the freeway I normally would travel on coming back home. I was beginning to think there was a major conspiracy against me trying to see my son! Anyway..I thought that maybe Father's day triggers some psychological issues for people and makes them even more unsafe as drivers

6:28 Yoli: Ro828:I think they are afraid of being alone and having all that time to think about everything.

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - In one way you want your d's to feel comfortable talking to you about anything, to have a shoulder when they are hurt by things that happen at Dad's but you also want them to know you want their time there to be private for them and for him. It's difficult as you don't want them to feel a need to tattle on things that happen while still being a shoulder for them when needed.

6:28 Plumcrazy: Joannie@6:26---I understand that, it is far from over but things between us and family wise are so much better. Both finding ways to deal with each other without hostility

6:29 Joannie: Plum , type o I meant home and not some in my posting to you!

6:29 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:28 Yoli: Silence can be terrifying. That's why so many people avoid it.

6:29 MAS: Ro828: I got up quite late this morning and spent much of the afternoon talking with friends. My next door neighbor also came over and told me she was moving, so I am looking into renting her house. How has your day been?

6:29 Ro828: Joannie: Thanks. I know this is true. Harder to do at times.

6:30 Joannie: Plum, not is critical for you to have your prayer closet like Charleyne S. says!

6:30 Yoli: Cricket: Yeah that sounds good. I'm really trying to set boundaries as far as what they share. I told them that I really don't want to know any details. They are so angry.

6:30 Ro828: David 6:24. I know, I know. I still have much work to do. Probably why I keep getting hit with a 2 x 4.

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - Yes you don't want them to take out their anger on you, but you also want to be a shoulder so they can vent their pain and not feel they have to bottle it all up.... that is a big part of what caused mlc for our spouses... pain from childhood bottled up & not dealt with

6:31 Plumcrazy: Joannie--I understood what you meant LOL

6:31 Yoli: David Alan: Yes, I know it is very terrifying. I have experienced it for the past 4 years, even though my younger daughter was at home.

6:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - Those are the boundaries they need, to learn to work for things they want, save their money so that they can make it on their own. They will see their Dad being irresponsible with his money & realize you were wise

6:32 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:30 Ro828: Be sure to remember - it is OK to hurt and be lonely. Don't feel guilty about it. A lot of guys would.

6:32 Joannie: Plum - :LOL I glad you did, I had to glance at it twice - LOL

6:32 Yoli: Cricket: I totally agree at 6:31. They are so used to getting everything that they want though, and dad makes quite a bit of money, that they argue about money a lot with him.

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I think I struggled some with the fact that I didn't have pain or real emotion when my Dad died. I felt guilty that I didn't and had to realize that he had shut me out of my life and made himself a stranger so of course I didn't feel pain. Also - I don't think it was healthy for me or my siblings to be around him due to who he was.

6:33 Plumcrazy: All--On Thurs. I was involved in a wreck. No damage to my car except scratched bumper. I had stopped cause someone in front of me was turning and I was stuck from the rear. The car behind me was rammed by someone else

6:33 Ro828: MAS, Do you mean renting the house from her for you to live?

6:33 WTG4GOD: ALL: so are any of your family members upset that you are standing for your marriage?

6:34 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - Those are really things they need to talk to you about. They need to understand the difference, you don't want them talking about private things at their Dad's but you are there for them when they are in pain.

6:34 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - ok the car is only scratched, but how are you

6:34 Still: WTG, not family members, but I have definitely lost friends because of my choice to stand.

6:34 Yoli: Cricket: Oh yeah, he's being irresponsible. They have spent thousands on eating out. They see him spending money on the OW and how ugly she is not only to them but to him and they don't understand.

6:34 Snickerdoodle: Sorry so late, just got home from music in the park - very relaxing evening

6:34 geebo2b: plum I was almost in a couple of accidents this past week..all from people running stop signs and one from a guy who didn't want to wait in traffic so he started to drive down oncoming traffics left turn lane just as I was turning into the lane for a

6:35 Joannie: wtg4God, most of mine don't understand me but I don't say anything to them or acknowledge it.

6:35 David Alan [Facilitator]: This is my first year without my father at Father's Day. It made me feel very alone.

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - Probably because so many people were traveling for the holiday. Also here weather was great so more going to the beach & probably drinking

6:35 Still: Hi Snickerdoodle, how are you?

6:35 Joannie: DA, I'm sorry!

6:35 Plumcrazy: Swan--I was kinda sore and had a headache that day but I am ok now

6:35 geebo2b: cricket: I imagine it was drinking..I hope drinking isn't going up because it is FATHERS DAY..that is depressing

6:35 Snickerdoodle: Still: I'm good, tried to hurry home tonight in time for chat

6:35 Still: David, I'm sorry to hear that.

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: David Alan - We'll have to check out what you posted on the MLD Blog. Yes it's good to share.

6:35 Ro828: Yoli. Isn't that ironic. They leave us and we're left to think about everything but they can't be alone because they'll have time to think about everything. I really despise this midlife double edged sword

6:36 Swanlake: Cricket - you know funny you said that, I must have apologized to my daughter six or seven times because I just don't know how to feel, I don't have the feelings one should have when a parent dies. Thanks, something to think about.

6:36 Ro828: Plum 6:28. That sounds positive.

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I'm sorry about your crash - but like Swan said, how are you. Those rear-end collisions can cause back pain/whiplash

6:36 geebo2b: all: If anyone has good prayers for deliverance prayers for family members.. send some to me for my oldest son

6:37 Yoli: Ro828:Yeah isn't that ironic?

6:37 Plumcrazy: Geebo--how is your son doing?

6:37 geebo2b: all: MY son who has abused drugs and alcohol for years now (he is 27)

6:37 Joannie: Ro828 and Yoli, during this journey it gives God a chance to Heal us from things we may not even realize we need help with. He had to have me to Himself to start a healing in me and I'm still working on being still and knowing He's God.

6:38 Yoli: All: I just ask for prayers that all goes well and that I have a safe trip to and from Bolivia. Pray that God talks to me and shows me how to change to be a better person, wife and mother. Thanks.

6:38 Swanlake: Plumcrazy- it can take days for the effects of a rear end accident to surface, so please if you begin to feel anything go get it checked out. When my son was in an accident it took almost a week and he had a dislocated shoulder.

6:38 MAS: Ro8282: Yes, I would be renting because I may have to move from where I am now.

6:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I was the same - I FELT I SHOULD feel a loss, but I didn't. Then I felt guilt that I didn't so had to rationalize things and realized that with all that happened, it was natural that I didn't have those feelings. BUT still I had to process all of it.

6:38 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:39 Ro828: Which is why you need people in your life right now. People like those here tonight. You need to know you are cared for and loved.
One thing about going through a MLC - you find out a lot of things you have kept hidden deep inside. Nothing holds them back any longer - and they begin slipping out into the open.

6:38 Joannie: Yoli, gottcha covered!

6:38 geebo2b: Plum I don’t know..as I was about to post..I found his online Blog..and read it and I have never read anything more vile and perverted in my life..things that I never even imagined..though nothing 'illegal' I can't imagine anything more perverted..it it has me reeling a bit..obviously there is a deep root of self -hatred..fueled by drug and alcohol abuse and while I am going to Al-anon..and need to 'let-go'' at least in the 'hands-on' trying to get him to change way..I think I can still pray but I am stymied..I have never seen anything as dark and perverted as what he writes.. I imagined that..but wow ..I want to pray for him..I just don’t know how

6:39 Ro828: David: I know. I'm just tired of hurting and being lonely. I know this won't last forever but it already feels forever and it's been years already. I know God's timing is not my timing but it's exhausting.

6:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I've found that when I went to my chiropractor right away, I seemed to do better. If it was slow speed and you were facing forward with a headrest in place, you may be okay but like Swan said, be attention to how you feel.

6:39 MAS: Hi Snickerdoodle, how are you today?

6:39 Ro828: Plum: Glad you weren't hurt.

6:39 Joannie: R08282, you have to allow God to become everything to you and He can fill that loneliness

6:40 Plumcrazy: Geebo--Sorry to hear that. Remember your S has a problem What you read was the drugs talking it alters their minds

6:40 Joannie: my song is playing! :)

6:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: DavidAlan - But it's good that to let those buried things out as that's the unhealthy thing that so many do... try to be strong & bottle it all up

6:41 Ro828: Yoli: My H spent like crazy. I think I had totaled between 80-100K in a few short months. It was staggering. He even unloaded his 401K. All that hard earned money. Poof. Gone on OW.

6:41 Snickerdoodle: MAS: I'm good, had a quiet day. didn't stew too much about Father's Day and what my H and kids might or might not be doing.

6:41 Plumcrazy: GEEBO---Prayer is ALWAYS good

6:42 geebo2b: Plum that is all I know to do at this point

6:42 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - Drugs and psychological issues stir up the vile talk. They are really angry at themselves and projecting this emotion on others. When my sister was in treatment/hospitalized I couldn't believe the vile things she wrote. Things I never heard before or since from her but she was a mess.

6:42 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:40 Cricket: You know I agree with that. But it comes as such a shock to those around us - because they never knew what we had hidden deep inside. I think that's why our loved ones think we have gone crazy!

6:42 Ro828: David 6:25. I'm sorry.

6:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - We will definitely keep you in prayers for your trip. You should send me an email to send to the group with the dates and some specific prayer requests for the group.

6:43 geebo2b: Cricket..yes..It is hard for me as his father..this isn’t exactly how I pictured his life at this point would be..you know..we as parents picture..college,, family, good values, faith etc..and at least..then 'neutral' towards certain things..bit not.

6:43 David Alan [Facilitator]: My father was a good man. I find so much of him in me as I get older. I miss him - I really do.

6:43 Still: David, Did you think you were going crazy?

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: DavidAlan - Yes it's frightening for loved ones, but in the end it will be healthier for all involved.

6:44 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:43 Still: No. I thought I was losing control.

6:44 MAS: Snickerdoodle: Glad to hear you had a good day. How was your concert in the park? I love those so much.

6:44 geebo2b: cricket: sprinkled in all the vile talk were obvious sentences of a deep self-loathing

6:45 geebo2b: Cricket: so how is your sister..did she come out of it??

6:45 Still: David @ 6:44. My H has been in MLC a little over 2 years. Still at home, never left. He is so down and seems so withdrawn. I just keep out of his way, but I wonder what it is going to take for him to realize he needs some help.

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - Yes I know my Mother felt such guilt when one of my sisters got into such trouble & drug use. She felt she failed. I kept reminding her she raised us all the same, did a wonderful job especially alone.. and the rest of us were fine. Sometimes we can't control the outside influences.

6:45 Ro828: Joannie: 6:37 did he reveal to you what you need help with?

6:46 Ro828: MAS. Does you H know this? Is he helping with the bills?

6:46 geebo2b: Cricket: yes..that is why I am in Al-anon..I have to let go of trying to control the situation and have to stop allowing myself to feel an UTTER FAILURE as a father..which sends me into deep depression

6:47 Swanlake: Geebo - a few scriptures to read and pray for your son might be Mark 9:26-29, Mark 16:17, Mark 5:2-15, Matthew 12:43 -45, Matthew 9:32, Matthew 12:22, Matthew 17:15-18, Luke 8:27, Luke 13:11, Luke 4:33 and Acts 16:16-18.

6:47 Joannie: Ro828, He placed it on my heart that I needed to apologize to certain people and He cleaned me up from mistakes I made when I was younger - SOOOO GLAD HE CLEANED ME UP!

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - The one sister with the history of drug/alcohol still has issues, she's functioning but I can't be around her. She did well for years but was in a car accident & started using prescription drugs & alcohol and ended up losing her job. I told her that I can't take on her stress, love her but she needs to get help. She denies she has a problem.

6:47 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:45 Still: It's different for every man. Time will tell. Keep praying for him.

6:47 geebo2b: Thank you Swan..I am going to Copy and paste your reply so I have it for reference

6:47 Snickerdoodle: MAS: the weather was perfect, company was good, and the music was like the band Chicago - lots of brass - a very enjoyable evening. My H and I had gone nearly every week last summer. I went to another community - didn't want to run into H

6:48 Swanlake: Geebo - I will also look through the prayers I have collected over the years and if I find any I will email them to you.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - HOWEVER the sister who wrote the vile things, did so while in treatment after being gang raped on a military base. Her H became abusive. SHE got help is a strong Christian and she's doing very well.

6:49 Ro828: David: 6:38 I spoke with a woman today whose H had a midlife crisis. They divorced. Said he never came out of it. He finally died of cirrhosis. Nothing held him back either. She said he married twice after her.

6:49 geebo2b: cricket: I am kind of amazed at the similarities between drug/alcohol abusers and MLC'ers.. the blame, the 'I don’t have a problem..you do'' statements..: stop trying to shove your religion down my throat..yada yada stuff..anger anger anger blame blame

6:49 David Alan [Facilitator]: I need to run ... take care all. Hope to join you again soon.

6:49 geebo2b: nite DA

6:49 MAS: Ro828@6:46: Oh yes, he knows. And yes, he pays my rent and gives me spousal support.

6:49 Still: Bye, David. Thanks for stopping by.

6:50 Ro828: Geebo 6:38. I'm assuming your talking about you H? do you really want to know that stuff?

6:50 geebo2b: Cricket: well I hope to see my son get a real life changing event that will set him on the right path..this has gone on for years

6:51 geebo2b: Ro828..no I am talking about my son...Sorry.. we should have explained that I am a guy..;)

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - WOW you are very right. A couple years ago, that sister had a melt down and lashed out at my sister and I. She later called & wrote to each of us and blamed us for all of it and said terrible vile things. When we said stop calling, writing etc... she still doesn't seem to understand why we shut the door & denies doing anything

6:51 Ro828: Joannie 6:39. I'm trying but I'm human. (insert sad face here)

6:51 Still: Cricket, My H went for a couple of months where he seemed better, much better. Now, he seems depressed and withdrawn all the time. He stopped using polite comments and is just distant from me and much of the time the kids, too. Thoughts?

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - The big thing is that you can't let him destroy you. He needs to want help

6:52 geebo2b: Ro828 and in the midst of all the marriage issues..my oldest son has been a real difficult burden with drug and alcohol abuse along with severe psychological disorders including anxiety and OCD issues

6:53 geebo2b: Cricket; that is true..and I am at the point now where I let him know that..and I am at Al-anon..and they are helping me make better choices for myself

6:53 Joannie: ro828, {{{{ HUGS}}}}} we've all been there and go there at times. that’s ok, not ok to stay there though.

6:53 Ro828: David 6:40. Thank you for that. I think that's what I really need. To know that I am worthy and loved. I don't really feel that even though I have a close family unit. I just feel like a stranger wondering why am I here?

6:53 Swanlake: Geebo - you have called the police when he has gotten violent with you - correct? Please care for yourself, regardless of how you love him, if he becomes a danger to your or himself, please take precautions.

6:54 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still -It is typical that they start climbing out of the tunnel and begin healing and it's like the alcoholic or drug addict (since we on that topic), they slip off the path to recovery and slip back into the pool of depression. When this happens, it's harder for them as they don't understand why. It makes their anger & confusion worse. This is time it's really important to stay consistent and pleasant no matter how he acts. They are drawn to consistency & peace.

6:54 geebo2b: Swan yes I have..and that is one thing that still causes him to 'back off' he is at least afraid of the consequences of his actions

6:54 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - This is due to their own self loathing. They want to work their way out of it & can't stand that they can't control their emotions

6:55 Still: Cricket, thank you for your wisdom. I was hoping it was progress and not regression.

6:55 geebo2b: Cricket: the 'self-loathing' I know you are referring to MLC'ers.. but how similar to my son ...it all seems like 'related behaviors'

6:56 Ro828: Geebo 6:51. Finally caught up in chat. Sorry about that. I'm sorry to hear it's your son.

6:56 Swanlake: geebo - good, I know when a person is using drugs they can be very unstable and unpredictable. I give you kudos’s for following through on consequences to his actions, that is actually more loving than letting them get by with it.

6:56 geebo2b: Cricket: as I said I am shocked at how similar the anger and blame issues are between MLC'ers and substance abusers

6:56 Cricket [Facilitator]: Ro828 - Geebo was talking about his son who lives with him & who has struggled with substance abuse & suicide. It's been very difficult for Geebo to deal with his wife leaving him in mlc & caring for his son

6:56 Plumcrazy: Geebo---They both have issues they are dealing with so there will be similarities

6:57 geebo2b: Swan;;yes the last time before I told him he needs to find a new place to live..he started to escalate..and I didn’t argue I just picked up the phone and started to dial 911 and he left

6:57 Ro828: Geebo2: Certainly sounds like you have your hands full. Are you doing anything for you as you are tackling all these other issues. Taking care of yourself?

6:58 geebo2b: Ro828..basically..I go to al-anon meetings,, come here when I can get into chat lol..play worship for a Messianic Jewish Synagogue..and my job are about all I can do..and I PRAY PRAY PRAY basically 24/7 anytime I am not 'per-occupied" I am praying

6:58 Swanlake: geebo - he has been to court ordered rehab already hasn't he? was going to say maybe it would be a good thing for the police to institutionalize him, but prayer is possibly the only thing that can set him free. Maybe you would feel ok with Cricket sending out a prayer request to the group, if so send her one or post one on the MLD site and it will be posted , names removed.

6:59 geebo2b: Swan He has not been to court ordered rehab..he has been in and out of rehabs..but all voluntary

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Ro828 - As far as being alone. I do think we need to learn to be happy and content alone. We don't want our h's back because we're lonely. When we can find peace on our own, then we can accept them as a choice, not a need. I used to feel sad that my Mom never remarried after my Dad left. But she said & I now believe her that she was happy. My grandparents came to live with us & she was very active. I now know I can be happy & content alone if that's God's plan and it brought me such peace.

7:00 geebo2b: Will do swan ..thank you

7:01 Ro828: Geebo: My prayers will be lifted up for you as well. I am so sorry for your pain.

7:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - Yes it reaches a point that we need to step back (I know you know this) until they are willing to honestly get help. It's hard to find the line of being supportive as a father & enabling. I know your situation is very hard. Hopefully the support thru Alanon and the professionals will provide guidance

7:03 Ro828: Cricket 6:59. I admire your outlook. I want to get to that point.

7:03 geebo2b: Cricket that is sooooo true..I spent years dreaming of a relationship[ with my son..but this wasn’t the dream...it was more of a good son, proud daddy dream

7:04 Plumcrazy: All---I am going to go . Geebo take care will pray for your S. Everyone take care

7:04 geebo2b: Bless you Plum

7:04 Ro828: Nite Plum

7:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Ro828 - It took some time but it really helped to get there. Now people tease me about being so busy. As I said, I joined a bowling league which really is fun, played on a softball (co-ed) team from church, took some night classes, and got active with my Chamber of Commerce which has evening activities. Having things to look forward in the evening was helpful

7:04 geebo2b: all I need to run and mail the bills and going to sit in the last few minutes of sunlight and read my bible

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - I know - I wish I had a good relationship with my sister, but I had to realize I couldn't make it happen

7:05 Joannie: need to get in my prayer window and have quite time - sweet sleep tonight all - GOD bless everyone!!!! love to all.

7:05 geebo2b: My the Lord bless each of us..draw us nearer to Him..and less dependent on others for our happiness. fill us with His love and forgiveness and strength..

7:05 geebo2b: Cricket: yes I am at that point with my son..

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - THANKS - AMEN.

7:05 Ro828: Nite Geebo. I'll be lifting you up in prayer.

7:05 Plumcrazy: Geebo---My 1st H was a drunk and a drugee. He didn’t change and died of lung cancer that spread thru hi body last yr. They wont get help unless they decide to. But no one said prayers for him and he didn’t know he was sick

7:06 geebo2b: Cricket it hurts to think about that..but I realize that I can do nothing at this point and I can't let him take me down..

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - He will be in good hands with God's guidance & our prayers

7:06 geebo2b: Cricket I believe that thank you precious one!!

7:06 geebo2b: nite all

7:06 geebo2b: night Cricket and Swan and all

7:06 Plumcrazy: Goodnite all

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Geebo - YES you need to protect yourself. Sometimes we have to remember that they need to want a healthy relationship with us. If they can have this with us without getting help, why get it

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - We need to close, Hopefully chat will work well with Jim tomorrow night

6:39 Ro828: David: I know. I'm just tired of hurting and being lonely. I know this won't last forever but it already feels forever and it's been years already. I know God's timing is not my timing but it's exhausting.

6:38 David Alan [Facilitator]: 6:39 Ro828: Which is why you need people in your life right now. People like those here tonight. You need to know you are cared for and loved.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud