Midlife Dimensions

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Father's Day - 6/21/09

5:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people pour out your hearts to him; for God is our refuge. Ps 62:5-8

5:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Welcome everyone. Happy Father's Day and during this journey, remember our Father is with us, He has us in his arms and He has a plan for us. His plan is more wonderful that we can imagine. Trust Him.

 


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6:01 Brin [Facilitator]: Hello Cricket. How are you?

6:02 Swanlake: Goodevening all, how are you tonight?

6:02 Brin [Facilitator]: 5:58 Cricket: This is wonderful scripture. How good it is to know that we can trust Him at ALL times.

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - I’m hanging in there. I'd been tired from a long motorcycle ride yesterday & think it stirred up some sinus problems. Hopefully not a cold, so I've been resting today. I’m reminding myself of what I share with others so often. The Lord has a plan for us & it's better than I can plan for myself.

6:03 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:02 Swanlake: Hi Swan. Good tanks. How about you?

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - yes with my H's talk Tuesday, that scripture felt very appropriate for me.

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Swan - how was your day?

6:05 Swanlake: Cricket - Isn't goldenrod season up in your area. I remember whenever my husband would go on long rides, he would come back with sniffles, usually only lasted a couple days, till all the pollens, dust, etc, got worked out of his system.

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: The Christian friend that prays with us so often sent me a card that makes me laugh each time I look at it. The front has two alligators facing each other. One says "Nice purse." The other one says, "Thanks, it's my ex-husband." - Inside my friend wrote -Nuf said. Made me laugh out loud when I opened it.

6:06 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:03 Cricket: Sorry to hear about your sinus problem. I hope it clears up soon. It can be pretty annoying to deal with. Yes, I need to remind myself that God has a good plan for me too. The enemy has been putting thoughts in my mind about the hopelessness of my situation...

6:06 Swanlake: Cricket - my day was good, went to church, talked to my grandson and son, other than that just a nice quiet day.

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I don't know. I usually don't have problems with allergies but I got very cold on the first part of the ride & I was very stressed as the ride was harder than I was used to not to mention stress in general. Hopefully it is something in the air.

6:07 Brin [Facilitator]: Hello Jo, How are you doing?

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Church was good for me. Several people gave testimonies about Vacation Bible School - over 60 kids were saved last week. Testimonies were wonderful, young kids and adults both.

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Jo - How was your day?

6:09 Swanlake: Cricket - these days I get excited over the simplest things. The fruit and veggie stand opened for the season today, he only had greenbeans, cucumbers and peaches, all right out of his garden/orchard. There is nothing sweeter than an Arkansas peach

6:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - I keep reminding myself of God's plan when I feel stress about my H's talk. It's so easy to get into all the what if's and questions about things said. I think about things I could say and then remember God has my back, He is in control and I just need to trust Him.

6:10 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - and I got the green beans cooking as I type (dinner for tonight). I love fresh fruits and veggies. Like I said, excited over the simplest of things - LOL

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I know that home grown tomatoes are the best, those I get at the store just can't compare. I don't remember having an Ark peach but I love peaches so I'll remember that

6:11 Swanlake: Cricket - over 60, wow that is wonderful

6:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - IT is so wonderful when we take our focus off our circumstances and enjoy the simple things... and of course God's many blessings.

6:12 Swanlake: Cricket - Arkansas peaches are a little smaller than a regular peach, but they are full of flavor. I cannot wait for the stand to have tomatoes, I can make an entire meal of a couple of tomatoes.

6:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - My motorcycle ride was with the Christian Motorcycle Association. We rode to breakfast where they had a meeting, praise reports, prayer and business (my first time). We then prayed for our ride and rode all over - 150 miles. One of the roads we went over was a very difficult route so I was stressed both ways but did well. (Keep in mind my H told me he didn't feel I ride well enough & didn't belong on a bike so this felt good to do & be told I did well!)

6:13 Swanlake: Wow the room is getting a slow start tonight, thought this only happened on Fridays.

6:14 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:09 Cricket: Yes, I agree about God being in control. Lately, I have been in group activities - good and bad. Bad - attention and kindness from men in the groups stirring up sadness within me.

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Yes I love tomato with a little salt & pepper - I can make a meal or a sandwich too and be happy

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Maybe because it's Father's Day.

Yoli says hello...

6:15 Brin [Facilitator]: Hello Yoli. How are you today?

6:15 Swanlake: Cricket - someone outside of the midwest eat tomato sandwiches - that is a southern thing, but soooooooo goooood.

6:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - You mean I didn't discover them myself! :-)

6:15 Yoli: Brin: Hey, I’m okay how are you?

6:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Yoli - How was your weekend?

6:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Cheyanne - Hope you had a good weekend, good to see you.

6:16 Brin [Facilitator]: Hi cheyanne. How are you?

6:16 Swanlake: Cricket - You have been riding long enough and other tell you that you do very well, so I would listen to the majority on this, who knows why your husband says what he does, maybe he is attacking those things that you learned to do without him while

6:16 Yoli: Cricket: It was very quiet. My younger daughter was in Orlando playing volleyball. Her dad went with her. She's on way home and has already begun to argue in her texts to me. Go figure.

6:16 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - he was off in the far country.

6:16 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:15 Yoli: Doing good. Got some cooking chores done today so that was good.

6:17 Swanlake: Cricket - @6:15 - sorry those have been around since way before both of us were born.

6:18 Yoli: Brin: I think I had my Damascus road experience yesterday. I went to confession and wrote all the things that I wanted to confess - sins, on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget them. I began crying as soon as I walked in and continued until I got

6:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - My H's best friend was very upset with my H. My H convinced him that he's not coming back. I told the friend that it' s not over til God says it's over but regardless I’m trusting the Lord with my future. My H is showing many mlc signs. Buying things/spending money - each thing brings temporary happiness... moody.. health issues. etc

6:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: SWAN - my last comment was as much for you.

6:19 cheyanne: Hi brin and all I am good how about u, of course it’s fathers days , and the expected surge ....becuase of all the memories....

6:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Darn - and I thought I was the clever one who found out how good tomatoe sandwiches are. Although I now rememer my Mom & Grandma loved them - they sometimes added cucumbers too.

6:20 Swanlake: Cricket = @6:19 and/or a thin slice of mozzarella cheese.

6:20 cheyanne: all-- since today is fathers day my son was suppose to be with his dad, but it fell on my weekend and son had a baseball game.....h showed up to game then left directly after without waiting for son...son called him and said whats up...did you forget

6:20 Joannie: hey guys!

6:20 Yoli: Brin:cont-home. Even my praying was different last night. The sermon at today's mass was so very good. He talked about men, husbands and fathers and their commitments. He said that a survey was done about why people leave the church and it had to

6:21 Yoli: Brin:cont-do with their marriage and problems. I was just waiting for him to pound the pulpit. It was so good. I was crying before the sermon began but stopped while he was talking.

6:21 Brin [Facilitator]: Hi Joannie, How are you doing?

6:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - My H went to spend the weekend with his Godfather & the woman this man married after leaving his wife years ago due to mlc. His marriage to this woman has never been good but he settled. H didn't go to his parents but said he'll go there next weekend. This couple (Godparents) love me & I have a feeling this visit may be part of God's plan

6:21 Swanlake: Cricket - as for your husband declaring he is never coming back, I would imagine that he didn't enter into marriage with the other woman thinking that it was only going to last a few years, as you said, it isn't over until God says so.

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan = Also at least I know where he is during this difficult time.

6:22 cheyanne: all sons dad told him he forgot....odd..I’m not sure he did, I think he may have forgot the schedule says he is with him since it’s father’s day....anyway son and I did a collage of pictures all of h and sons and some of h and his dad for his gift......

6:22 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:19 cheyanne: Yeah, Father's Day like any other holiday brings sadness in our situations.

6:23 TiredB2: good evening.....I owe you all and apology...... I could not get internet service yesterday to help out Morwenna........

6:23 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:21 Yoli: Wow, so happy for you about the Damascus Rd experience. This is what I pray everyday multiple times for my H. It's also awesome that your pastor preached about marriage problems, etc.

6:24 cheyanne: all-- because of the tragedy with our older son and my h's father’s death was the trigger for mlc.....I wasn’t sure what he would think of the photos...but let me tell you....just putting the collage together - very emotional...great pics of h with sons...

6:24 TiredB2: amazing verses Cricket

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I had been bothered by things my H had been saying & his lack of believing in me. I shared several things with Jim that he said before & in his talk. Jim asked me if I went out with someone who treated me this way & had the physical limitations, would I go out again. I said no. He said he didn't want me to settle for being treated this way & he is proud of my growth. He encouraged me & gave advice that helped too.

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Tired - Hope you had a good weekend

6:25 Swanlake: All - holidays like father's day, mother's day, most birthdays, anniversaries, etc. just are not on the fore front of most men's minds and when you add MLC, the day may as well not exist. Women put far more importance on holidays. Plus for the

6:26 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:18 Cricket: He has to work through this all by himself. In a way, it's good that you're not having to deal with his ups and downs, except from a distance.

6:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - Doing this project had to be a wonderful memory task & I know will mean a lot to them both

6:26 Swanlake: All - continued - MLC'er they are running from the past and that includes anything that might remind them of the family they have abandoned. Please do not allow the enemy to use these days to bring you emotions of defeat, accept them for what they

6:27 Brin [Facilitator]: Cricket, Like Bob Steinkamp says - when they say they are never coming back, it means they are thinking about coming home.

6:27 Swanlake: All - continued - to the MLC'er, another reminder that brings guilt, do not take these days and their actions, or lack thereof, personal, it honestly has nothing to do with us.

6:27 Joannie: Cricket, girlfriend, my biker sis... ride big and hard!!!!!! don't worry about what your H says. You know your limit and It is not over until God says so! Man may have many plans in his heart BUT nevertheless GOD"S plan stands firm!

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - I realized (and friends had been concerned) that my H has made critical comments including questioning that I could do various things for at least 10 yrs. I told him I want more, to be believed in. My H replied I’m just too insecure. This is something I realize needs healing.

6:28 Brin [Facilitator]: Hi TiredB, Did you vanish yet again??? ;)

6:28 cheyanne: cricket you know I hadn’t looked at some of those photos since before 2005, and I kept looking at our happy boys and family... I made the pictures, just him and the boys and his dad...we did have a happy family....it’s so hard to understand what happen

6:28 TiredB2: Yummo...... home grown tomatoes...... we make our own salsa.... we grow the japelones to put in it as well.

6:28 TiredB2: I am reading to catch up

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - sorry I missed you coming in. Thanks, hugs & luv to you.

6:29 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:24 Cricket: Jim isn’t saying to give up on your H, is he?

6:29 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - It's amazing how our H's can say things that cut to the core. Jim was wonderful in encouraging me & assuring me that these things are my H's problem- controlling & bullying behavior, not mine.

6:29 Swanlake: Cricket - I happen to very much agree with Jim, as you know I am a firm believer in us setting our boundaries and standing firmly by them once we have.

6:30 Joannie: Brin, I’m good! :) tired but good. overbooked myself again this weekend. next weekend I’m going to do less and spend more time with my Jesus!

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Brin - He was saying that he didn't want me to take my H back until he is able to treat me well.

6:30 cheyanne: cricket I am so glad you spoke to Jim...he is so wise...and you do the right thing trust God.....

6:30 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:28 Cricket: What needs healing? Were you referring to you or to your H's healing?

6:31 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:30 Cricket: Got it!

6:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - Thanks. I realize that I've let my H cause doubt in me for too long & I don't want to lose the growth I've made.

6:31 TiredB2: Cricket: thank you I did have a great weekend..... went fishing with my Parents and kiddos.....Made my Dad dinner..... it was nice......

6:31 Joannie: Cricket, got your back sis, Anna & I prayed for you right before I came into chat!

6:32 Swanlake: Cricket - there is plenty of time to reconnect without jumping right into having your husband at home. I believe that Anna or Dani had similar circumstances, needed to take time, leaving door open, but not becoming the mat which they walked on to

6:32 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tired - That sounds wonderful, just what the doctor ordered

6:32 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - get inside the door.

6:33 Joannie: Cricket, that’s a very important point! we've become who we are and only who we are through Christ and that MUST stay in place. Keep the right order - God first!

6:33 Swanlake: TiredB - @6:28 - only if you also make your own tortilla chips, sooo good, still warm.

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I keep thinking about things my H said during his talk - saying I wasn't a good Sgt, etc. I could easily have said he wasn't a good Chief or LT - that he alienated all his peers before he left. I would never do that or hurt and I’m glad I didn’t.

6:34 cheyanne: cricket this may be the thing that helps make your h see that you are different now ....and then it’s just so hard to see them still struggling with the same issues.....

6:34 Joannie: All, wife of Minister of Youth put on her Facebook wall today for her H saying "Thank You for loving God first!" Now that’s awesome!

6:34 TiredB2: I am back.... don’t you just love modern technology.....

6:34 TiredB2: All please pray for my h...... he hit his head really hard last night on a metal piece at work.... has a cut, bruise and hairline fracture ....... He worries me.... but he is so strong and manly doesn’t can’t admit he wants any attention with this .

6:35 Yoli: Brin, Cricket: Just wondering whether to send my h an email telling him about the sermon today and mentioning that I felt awful for not being the wife according to God's plan.

6:35 cheyanne: cricket do you think he was projecting....even though....he sure seems like he is pushing you away with those type of comments...

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Yes and we know that this mlc started years before they left (at least in my H's case, he first hit mlc in the late 80's took meds then hit it again in 2003 or earlier). I remember before then his warm heart but it's been hidden a long time

6:35 Swanlake: Cricket - I recall there being some award ceremonies and you getting awards, bad Sgt's are not commended. My personal opinion, he saw your growth as you grew, but he was able to put it aside, now he is faced with how much you have grown and the

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: Yoli - Generally they don't believe things like that we tell them. They think we're just saying this to win them back. I'd pray over it, but don't think it is a god idea.

6:36 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:34 TiredB2: I hope he doesn't get concussion. Will pray.

6:36 Yoli: Cricket: Okay, I know you're right. Thanks.

6:36 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - godly woman you have become, while he hasn't changed much at all, he is left facing his own mistakes right now and might actually without realizing it resent that you grew while he was gone, therefore, he attacks.

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - My H tends to be very rigid & has said things like that before to me and others but friends feel he was worse with me.

6:37 Yoli: All: Thanks. Really tired.

6:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - Also when they are messed up, their judgment is even worse in what they say.

6:37 TiredB2: Swan, Cricket....... what about when my h offers, suggests about me coming home...... what if like this week end I had plans to spend it with my Dad...... are they jealous of that

6:37 Joannie: Swan & Cricket, I remember Cindy saying when her H was reconnecting before that she realized she had grown so much and he really hadn't even though it appeared he had. That it wasn't what she thought it would be like and wasn't sure she wanted that

6:37 Lia: All PTL I called H this am to invite him to breakfast here or local diner said I'd be gone @ church so he could see our youngest. They went to breakfast with dad 2 kids, the other one is in SC visiting in-laws He loved the bike racing care package 2

6:37 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:35 Yoli: I don't think the email would help. He might feel preached to, and most people don't like being preached to when they are already feeling they did wrong.

6:38 Joannie: Lia, SC do you mind me asking what state your in?

6:38 cheyanne: cricket--- yes...I was talking to my son about some places I had thought about looking at to move...and he started saying mom why don’t you have a realtor do all that..then sarcastically said o no do what you want spend all that time --- cont

6:39 Swanlake: TiredB - you know your situation and if it would be a safe thing to do, if so, next time he offers, ask him when he can help you move back home, but make it clear that it is not to be a temporary thing, see what his reaction is and go from there

6:39 cheyanne: cricket- cont- I thought wow I was just discussing this with my son....and lo and behold is come back sounded like his dad...putting me down for no reason....ughhhhhh....I was like oh no......

6:39 TiredB2: Brin..... he wasn’t even going to tell me he went to the doc....... I just kept pressing the issue and he finally said he didn’t want to scare me.

6:39 Lia: Cricket & Brin Morwenna suggested I send out an email to group before I try make decision tomorrow about next legal step. I to some extent feel more peace in dropping everything, but so many people, lawyer inc. think it's nuts

6:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - When I started my career, there were almost no women cops. I was put right into Juvenile Officer position without the regular training program. The old Chief worried I'd get hurt. Most of my career was in investigations. Next Chief put me in patrol with a very short training. So I never had the same patrol training others had. I said I was a very good Det. Sgt & asked if I'd have had the training others had....he said there'd be no stopping me. But still I had to stand up for myself to get that out of him

6:41 Lia: Hannah2 I received your email. If you have time, I'll be up tonight & here in am until 09:00 can talk via cell after 10:30 I'll email you that # tonight

6:41 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - Sadly the learn from their Dad so it's important that you let him know this behavior is not acceptable. But don't get angry, calmly tell him.

6:41 TiredB2: Swan@ 639..... wow that would be quite a big statement for me..... but I am working up to that point in our lives....... he does constantly say he is working on himself to get straightened out, and he promises that.

6:41 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:39 TiredB2: Try to not be overly concerned in front of him because he may feel mothered. And you know men hate to be mothered. They also think more lightly of such things than us women, in general.

6:42 Joannie: Chey, I agree with Cricket, they learn from their dads - attitudes and things they say.

6:42 Swanlake: Cricket - yeah, they think they are protecting us, but actually create more problems. I remember when I was in the Marine Corps, my Master Gunnery Sgt, protected me from all those things he considered manly and was afraid I might get hurt at, but

6:43 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:41 TiredB2: Sounds like your H is making forward steps again?

6:43 Lia: Cricket Did you ever FEEL like the whole MLC was an excuse & our H's were just time bombs waiting to go off & we didn't see it. I know they are really messed up, but what if they were trying in younger days to be better than came from & couldn't like

6:43 Hannah2: Lia, I have work tomorrow so I am going to bed after chat. Will talk tomorrow.

6:43 TiredB2: Brin.... we are just back and forth...... and I know that is good.

6:43 Lia: Cricket cont: they weren't being true to themselves all these years? Maybe that's just the enemy talking. Any thoughts on that one?

6:44 Lia: Hannah 6:43 OK thanks!

6:44 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - than along came a brand new LT, with an attitude, actually stated that having women in his Corps was going to ruin it. Well I remember the day I had to face "The Wall", object to get up and over with a 50 pound pack on my back.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tired - As far as them getting jealous - Father's Day is an appropriate time to spend with you Dad. He still needs to respect your plans. As far as his injury, it's tough to balance not being too nurturing and normal love & concern. Sounds like you did that well.

6:45 cheyanne: joannie....that is the biggest bummer about they learn from their dads...so true...my h wasn’t talking to his dad when I met and married him....estranged for 9 years

6:45 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - this is a task that takes a lot of upper body and women typically don't have it. It took me a little longer, but I did it with not one complaint, the LT came off looking like a jerk and I gained the respect of even more of my

6:45 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:43 TiredB2: Yes, it's good.

6:45 Joannie: chey, that’s a big one to be praying about then!!!!

6:45 grace2: Lia: What do you mean by "time bombs" and whether they were not being true to themselves? Please clarify I don't understand

6:46 cheyanne: joannie cont and then when he did reconnect with his dad...I saw how his dad treated his 3rd wife....nit picking put downs.....now my xh and his older son strained relationship......what a cycle....I did not know about this then...

6:46 Lia: Anyone in this longer than me: Did you also ever feel like your stand was "holding" H back from what he said he wanted. Is it selfish not to just say ok I'll give up. I know God wants all of us to follow His will after all maybe it's just their pride

6:46 Hannah2: goodnight all, take care, have to get some sleep.

6:46 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:39 Lia: Pray about this. It's a big decision.

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I know what you mean. I had those challenges too. We had to work harder than the men. My H knows that so the way he made comments he made were cold & hurtful. He's always been a little too abrupt in how he says things but worse in mlc.

6:47 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - male Marine unit, the bottom line, it took me 6 months and doing things women weren't even being required to do back then, but I did finally gain the LT's respect too and he laid off.

6:47 cheyanne: joannie, I do pray about it....i need to up the prayers when h and I were marred and after I noticed how his dad treated women and his wife...i made an effort to not engage with my h if he started the snide comments...i saw his dad do it and it hit m

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - It doesn't matter what we call it - mlc or what as Jim says - When people bottle up emotions & don't deal with various issues, eventually they come crashing down & cause major damage.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I approached it the same way. I volunteered for tasks because I needed to prove I was willing and able to do the same things as the guys - maybe did things differently some times, but I could do it.

6:49 Joannie: Lia, the term Let Go Let God applies here. You release them to God then work on becoming what God desires for you to be and leave your H in God hands and only God's hands.

6:49 Lia: Grace2 6:45 Well, my H never knew if he was a jock or redneck so to speak because all moving he did as kid & never fitting in with new kids I thought he wanted more conventional life for our fam than how grew up but now wants unencumbered life no response

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - The point is not to hold your H back but to use this time to work on yourself, grow, learn and not put up walls. When there are unresolved emotional issues, in time with God's help, they can be healed & realize what they had. You don't put your life on hold, just don't put up walls, that way your H can come home when healed.

6:50 TiredB2: Lia: I don’t know about the length of time.... I do not think of it...... but I did read the other day in Ps 84:5"Blessed are those who strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage." about trust., not in our nest but in God's alter.

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Well Said.

6:51 Jo2: grace - Hello, it's good to see you in the chats lately. You make good suggestions and help with your experience.

6:51 TiredB2: Lia. cont: that God knows our pain, and has experienced out pain...... and is walking with us..... even in those dark questioning days......

6:51 Lia: Grace2 cont: lots hobbies No more important job, success, nice home, family, it's all the free & easy life. The ow still thinks she's a hippy, she's like a gypsy to me & others kind of what H said he didn't like about his own youth almost like he

6:51 Joannie: Jo, Anna asked about you tonight!

6:51 Joannie: Cricket, thanks!

6:52 Swanlake: Cricket - the Marine Corps only required women to hike for 1.5 miles, the men had to go 5 miles. At the 1.5 mark there would always be a jeep to pick up the women and take us back to compound. The LT used to scream at us, calling us names,

6:52 TiredB2: Lia: God has such great plans for our lives.... and wants us to realize it also..... to search and find our calling and to be the woman of God he wants and knows we will become if only we will trust him to take care of our h.

6:52 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I admit I wasn't as knowledgeable about patrol tactics so not as strong as Patrol Sgt - but I had support of my people. I had to work harder to do what my H had more training to do.

6:52 Lia: Grace cont to be on straight & narrow, prove himself to someone, maybe his dad, with high expectations, but just couldn't live a "normal" family settled life. He's a loner who found another wild & crazy loner

6:53 Jo2: Joannie - What did you tell her?

6:53 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - threatened us if we got in the jeep. After a couple times, I decided to stick it out and go the 5 miles, it became a challenge for me to prove him wrong. Did this get me promoted faster than the other women who went back,

6:53 Joannie: Jo, that you were doing great and still having connect with your hubby!

6:54 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Yes when I went thru the academy, I used my lunch hour to join staff on their run as I wanted to get better. When I graduated the academy - I was the first woman to ever score in top 10% in physical part - (running, pull ups, bar dips, etc - upper body stuff).

6:54 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:53 Swanlake: I would have hiked the 5 miles too. It would have been a nice challenge for me (plus I like hiking/walking anyway).

6:54 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - There were enough people not believing in us - we had to work harder & be better

6:54 TiredB2: Joannie..... excellent

6:54 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - actually no, two of them got promoted before me, but when I did get my stripes, I knew I earned them 100% and was so proud. There were so many things I did to prove this LT wrong and all without the training the men had

6:55 Jo2: Joannie - Yesterday my son and dil went to the 50th wedding anniv celeb for dear friends of 25 years. They sent their love to my h, gave me a 'hug' to give him. It was a little emotional, as next year will be 'our' 50th.

6:55 cheyanne: cricket so how are you and your h now.....friendly or strained....

6:55 Lia: Joannie 6:49 True, it seems it would have been so much easier if he left & didn't come around sometimes. He & OW are 4 mi down road & he's well known in town because business. Seeing him is still so hard. Still want grab him & never let go sometimes.

6:55 Joannie: all, I was just thinking about something. one of the last times my H was here, he looked HARD at the certificates I had gotten from community colleges in continued ed. class for the medical field. it’s important for them to see us grow.

6:56 Swanlake: Cricket - continued - gotten in boot camp, and boy did it shock some of them when I did it better than most of them, including the LT on one event.

6:56 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Yes it took me 10 yrs to be put thru the academy. Another man was promoted to Sgt before me only because I hadn't been given chance to work patrol but when I was promoted, I knew I'd earned it too.

6:56 Jo2: Joannie - Thanks, it is true.

6:57 Lia: Cricket 6:50 I like the term healing it seems to ease things a bit

6:57 Swanlake: Cricket - know what you mean about using lunch, etc. I used to buy time from some of the guys in my unit (they would do just about anything for a case of beer), to get them to train me on the things I had no clue about.

6:57 Joannie: Jo, thought that was a safe, true answer to give!

6:57 Jo2: Joannie - my son and dil and I went. forgot the I. The friends sent their love to my h, through me.

6:57 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Boy do I know what you mean. My H was one who didn't want me to work patrol as worried about me. So for him to attack my lack of patrol exp as a Sgt was ironic.

6:58 Lia: TiredB2 6:51 thanks It's like the study I just finished on rest I emailed it to all today

6:58 Joannie: Cricket, at the moment, he's blocked his part of that out.

6:58 cheyanne: cricket did Jim give you ideas of what to say when your h was going on with the put downs about your work?

6:59 Joannie: All, got an e-mail from my SIL, she's due any time now so I could be an aunt again anytime this week!

6:59 Swanlake: Cricket - it was a challenge, however, in the military hiking is a little different than civilian land, 50 pound alice pack on your back, combat boots, military utility uniform and staying in step in formation. But once I was able to do it, fun

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - As has been said. There is a large percent of men who want to return home but often walls have been put up or the spouse moved on, remarried, etc so they couldn't. Usually that spouse moved too quickly into another marriage and really wasn't happy. We all need time to heal and grow.

6:59 Brin [Facilitator]: 6:59 Joannie: Congrats!

7:00 Brin [Facilitator]: All, good night. Hope you have a good week.

7:00 Lia: TiredB2 6:52 So frustrating sometimes when friends call frantic for advice & the least thing sets them off, Christian friends even, I’m quite patient, but sometimes want to say Hey wake up & see how great it is you have your family home!

7:00 Joannie: all, I'll let you know when baby arrives. They didn't find out what they are having.

7:00 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Yes he actually told his best friend a few years ago that I'd promised not to work patrol. I was shocked, I couldn't have become a cop if I'd done that & it was a dream before my H & I married. Yes they rewrite history.

7:00 TiredB2: Lia: I will have to go in and read the devotion you sent.... it's amazing Gods power he knows what we need and when to send it.......

7:00 TiredB2: Good night all have a great week end.......

7:01 grace2: Thanks Jo

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Congratulations - I’m so happy for your SIL

7:01 Swanlake: Cricket - We both made it through challenges and now that we have God on our side - piece of cake!!!! Kind of nice to know I don't have to face it alone this time, I've got the Lord and all you wonderful people here.

7:02 TiredB2: Lia it’s sad when people do not realize what they have..... and how good it is.... they complain..... when they should have your patience and love in their hear .

7:02 Joannie: All, she said I was taking better care of her family than her brother but then again guys don't think like that. thought it was good she compared my actions to my H's.

7:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Did you see that I went on a motorcycle ride with the Christian Motorcycle Assoc. Saturday - rode 150 miles. Went over a mountain road that is really hazardous & did pretty well. Exhausting & stressed but they said I did well.

7:02 Lia: Cricket 6:59 So are you saying you think there is a great # of these guys who would come back if their spouses had waited?

7:03 Joannie: Cricket, yes I did and I gave you an ATTA GIRL!!!!!!!!!

7:03 grace2: Lia: Ow’s represent freedom and no responsibility/ The feeling of infatuation and thrills. All temporary. Focus on yourself and your own growth. when they return it's hard not to get distracted with life so just let God handle it all.

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Yes when this all happened Tuesday, I began fighting the emotions of the first time this happened but it didn't hit so hard or consume me because of all I've learned here, knowing God has my back & all of you here.

7:03 Joannie: Lia, Jim tends to say about 80% usually want to return home.

7:03 Swanlake: grace - didn't see you come in, hey girl how are you doing

7:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - I've personally met many the past few years & Jim has mentioned many stories. I mentioned one of those stories tonight.

7:04 Lia: Grace2 7:03 Thanks hun

7:04 cheyanne: joannie that old 80 20 rule.. my attorney said they leave home looking for the 20% their wife isn’t and then give up much of the 80% they had.....lol...too bad not funny though

7:05 Lia: Joannie 7:03 that sounds good 99% would be better

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - I just wasn't sure if your Atta Girl was for that or another thing I mentioned. I thought of you after that ride & was waiting to share.

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - Remember that was one of the things my H said Tuesday. That he didn't feel I should be riding.

7:06 grace2: Joannie: More important than them seeing us grow is for us to see our own growth. We are doing this not to get them back but to grow in God and become the person He intended us to be. That's the only way our growth will " stick".

7:06 Joannie: Cricket, girl I KNOW you can ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:06 Swanlake: Well all need to head off, want to get some reading done before bedtime. See you all tomorrow night

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - Yes I was given that statistic too - that in time about 80% want to come home (total). He said maybe even more as we don't know how many wanted to but their spouse wasn't available/had moved on

7:06 Joannie: Grace, I said that earlier tonight. that’s dead on right.

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joannie - I know I need more practice but hadn't had other people available to ride.

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - EXACTLY.

7:07 Joannie: Cricket, at least your riding. I haven't rode since I took the course!!!!!

7:07 Lia: Cricket 7:04 can you email me about that story, I'd love to hear it

7:08 Jo2: cheyanne - My older d reminded her dad that it would be the case that he would give up many of the good things he had with me in order to get a few new ones, but in the end he would have a deficit.

7:08 grace2: Swan: Good to see you dear lady

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace & Joannie - I actually talked about that with my H Tuesday. That I'd made a list of areas to work on that came from counseling with him. But that as we talk about here - I did it for me, not to get him back, but to feel better about myself.

7:09 cheyanne: jo -- I agree and can’t see it any other way..especially when you look at your beautiful you were blessed with.......breaking that apart...how would you ever find peace

7:09 cheyanne: jo--- whoops I meant to say beautiful family

7:10 Lia: Cricket H has much older friend who left wife & kids for OW with lots $ & fun, married & D OW 1st wife re-married & then guy married present third wife. He's 60's-70's & has decent M, but secretly tells guys @ camp he did it right first X even tells

7:10 Joannie: Grace - just saw the 2 with your name - how are you darling?????

7:10 Jo2: cheyanne - I often think about that (peace) when my h likes to talk about memories, etc.

7:10 cheyanne: jo-- every time I take my son back and forth to his dads...and see th way we have been impacted financially and my son always concerned about money....breaks my heart....

7:11 Lia: Cricket cont: grown kids this & I think he may have tried go back. Sometimes I think about talking to him praying some day he & H will talk @ hunting camp

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - Yes you'd mentioned that man in one of the phone calls. That's what I mean, look around, there are many of those stories in our lives.

7:11 grace2: Cricket: Absolutely!! Now that h is back it is difficult to keep up with some of my own interests. It's a tough balancing act...men really do seem to be boys. Pretty self focused unless God is in the picture for them. You just keep on your course.

7:12 Joannie: grace- amen!

7:12 Joannie: all, I need to get scrubs ready for tomorrow and have prayer time and read my Bible before bed. nite and sweet sleep!

7:13 Lia: Grace did you understand what I meant about time bomb thing hard for me to explain. Wonder if our young lives was all appearances sometimes & him trying so hard to be"normal" fit in to world & have success & that was too hard or not him

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - it’s not good to try to manipulate or fix these things in asking this man to talk to your H. Pray about it and trust God to give your H the things he needs. If you try to fix it or manipulate the discussion, your H may find out it was your idea & take away all meaning.

7:13 cheyanne: goodnight all have a blessed week.....

7:13 Lia: Cricket 7:11 I know this to be true.

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - Also I realize that we've used this time to grow & they've been stuck and haven't grown.

7:14 grace2: Joannie: I am well...hanging in. Financially, h's mlc has wreaked major havoc and he still isn't dealing with it!! Ugh!! I have to leave it in God's hands but knoiw that I cannot get dragged down too. Anyways, How are you?

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - My H had been connecting for the past year after divorcing OW but he really hadn't grown. I’m working hard not to lose growth I've gained.

7:15 Lia: Cricket 7:13 I wasn't going suggest he speak to H God will send laborers when H ready I would like to hear friend's perspective for myself.

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: All - It's after time to close. Remember to pray for one another and that Jim will be here tomorrow evening.

7:16 Lia: Cricket 6:15 Honey, God will NOT let that happen! You are a gift to H & one of God's princesses heir to the throne!

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - You just missed Joannie -

7:17 grace2: Lia: I don't think they know what normal is. We all have a bomb drop when they decide to find fulfillment elsewhere. It's all dead ends without God soooo I just know that God is the only way any of us can be truly happy/fulfilled

7:18 Lia: All today was actually harder to not have H here than Mday even. Why is that?

7:18 grace2: Cricket: Try to hang on... that growth was tough to gain and , unfortunately, easy to lose when they return, unchanged. I am frustrated with the same old ruts and it's so difficult to get out!1 Ugh!

7:19 Lia: Grace2 IS your H home?

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - It is a battle to keep from falling into old habits & it takes continual work to keep growing & not slide back. GRACE - I agree, it catch myself starting to slip - especially as our H's haven't grown & can push those buttons.

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - Grace's H has been home a couple yrs now.

7:20 grace2: Lia: H is home...back 3 yrs in Sept. PTL

7:20 Lia: All I’m trying to prepare that H may come home in not so good place & that standing after they return may be as hard in some ways.

7:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: Woops - I was thinking at least 2 yrs Grace - even more. Boy has time flown since our lunch meeting

7:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia - HARDER

7:20 grace2: Cricket: So true. They leave cause they want change but return and act the same as they did before.

7:20 Lia: Cricket I really think you might like the Debi Pearl Help meet CD's

7:21 grace2: Lia: It's harder when they return

7:21 Lia: Grace PTL how long was he out & in crazy land?

7:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - I think they're even worse because of all the baggage they accumulate in this journey

7:21 Lia: Cricket HARDER YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:21 grace2: Cricket: We need to get together again, soon

7:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - Yes that would be nice.

7:22 grace2: Cricket: Yep. They make an even bigger mess when they're gone and now that's on top of the problems they thought they'd flee.EEEEEK!

7:23 Cricket [Facilitator]: Grace - Yes my H developed financial issues & of course the guilt & stuff relating to the OW

7:23 Lia: Ladies harder more if they haven't changed or just in general? Also my friend was in affair & 2 yrs later sep from H now coming home after 1 yr no OP this time God is working on her, but she's the one calls every am & everything is crisis

7:23 grace2: Lia: Yep. Now not only do you battle their mlc but your own feelings of anger start to rear up.

7:23 Jo2: I have a commitment. Good night Cricket, grace and Lia. See you tomorrow night maybe. Blessings to all.

7:24 Lia: Grace do you think we suppress a lot while standing

7:24 Lia: Goodnight Jo

7:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Jo - I won't be able to make it tomorrow night although I really wish I could with all that's happening but will be thinking of you.

7:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lia & Grace - We really need to close, we're almost a 1/2 hour late

7:25 Lia: I wonder if I need to consider condition he could come back in with any agreement. I guess H's debt would then become mine right

7:25 grace2: Lia: I think we are so busy fighting that we do suppress which is good but unfortunately we, too will have to deal with our hurt in a different way when they return

7:25 grace2: Nitey nite Cricket and Lia

7:26 grace2: Sweet dreams

7:26 Lia: Goodnight gals Cricket check out that study & those CD's.

7:27 Lia: Oh yeah If I get a motor cycle, you need to teach me how to ride! goodnight

7:28 LisaK [Administrator]:
For a list of media recommendations by Jim Conway, Midlife Dimensions, Lisa Kahan, and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit Amazon via our special link: http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20. Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

5:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people pour out your hearts to him; for God is our refuge. Ps 62:5-8

5:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Welcome everyone. Happy Father's Day and during this journey, remember our Father is with us, He has us in his arms and He has a plan for us. His plan is more wonderful that we can imagine. Trust Him.

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud