Midlife Dimensions

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Father's Day - 6/17/12

6:45 PM

challenger3

Cricket, That is how I feel but really none of them feel that way.   They are all very protective of me! I have really built some strong friendships and they are very angry at him because leaving me was leaving them as well. Anyway, one of the husband's stood up for me and said well it is better for the kids and when you have kids, you have to think for them.   Of course, these are also woman who have been married for many years and have not had to deal with all of this yet!

6:47 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I understand but that's why I avoid telling most people anything my H did that was hurtful. I also told them that I was taking time for my healing, etc.   They'd see me keeping busy and didn't worry about me so much. Now of course they see me doing lots of things (healthy) and see that I seem happy.   BUT yes friends and family can become protective and often try to fix things so it's best not to share much except for 1 or 2 very trusted friends.

 


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June 17, 2012 / Sunday 6-7 pm PST / CR#1

6:03 PM

Cricket

Welcome all to Sunday night chat, hope all of you had a nice weekend. We know Father's Day is difficult but know your H was thinking of you.

6:03 PM

Joannie

OK!!!! how are you doing??? I had an amazing experience this afternoon with the Lord!!!!

6:03 PM

Cricket

Joannie - I'm well.... share!

6:04 PM

challenger3

Good evening Cricket and Joannie

6:04 PM

Cricket

Hi challenger3

6:04 PM

Cricket

Hey mas

6:05 PM

mas

Hi Cricket

6:05 PM

mas

Hi everyone.

6:05 PM

Cricket

Hi Brin

6:05 PM

brin

Hello everyone. I hope you had a good weekend and week.

6:06 PM

challenger3

Cricket and mas, This was the first week that the kids spent solely with H. It has been Ok until today. I really missed him today. Yesterday I did pick up kids for about 3 hours and took them to make him a father's day gift at this local art place. They had a great time and D12 made him a box for him to keep his watch and things in and son made him a painting.

6:06 PM

Cricket

mas - Thanks so much for covering Saturday with Yoli gone after the death of her brother.

6:06 PM

brin

challenger3 :06. That's so sweet - what thoughtful gifts for their dad.

6:06 PM

mas

Cricket No problem...just have to learn how to close the room.

6:07 PM

Joannie

Just got to talking with the Lord about my childhood and how I didn't have trust, safety concerning my dad and all of a sudden I realized everything around me was moving and I felt a pulling and pushing sensation. I just keep calling out Jesus and sobbing and prayed for the AW. I saw a deep dark hole as I prayed and I took that as she would be uprooted. It was amazing felt like hrs but was no more than 15-25 minutes with Him. I looked like an Alice Cooper wanna be when it was said and done. HA

6:07 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - Father's Day and all holidays are always difficult but important that they had Father's Day with their Dad. It's very important that they stay connected with their Dad, for them but also for him and your marriage

6:07 PM

Joannie

Hey Challenger, Mas and Brin!!!!

6:07 PM

brin

Joannie :07, Wow, what an amazing experience!

6:08 PM

mas

challenger3 I've been thinking about you and was going to call but was busy until yesterday. I also remembered you saying that you were attending a game this weekend.

6:08 PM

Cricket

Joannie - Wow, that is awesome. I can only imagine.

6:08 PM

Joannie

brin it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:08 PM

brin

Joannie :08, What were you praying about AW?

6:08 PM

Joannie

Cricket :) I prayed for all H's and AW's

6:09 PM

Cricket

Joannie - I did that often, prayed for my H's first OW, for her salvation, her healing, her d's salvation, etc

6:09 PM

mas

Joannie Alice Cooper wannabe!! Too funny! LOL

6:09 PM

mas

Joannie Hi there!

6:09 PM

Cricket

Joannie - Yes you made me laugh with the Alice Cooper comment.... LOL

6:09 PM

brin

Joannie :09, Thank you!!

6:10 PM

mas

Hi brin

6:10 PM

brin

Hey MAS. How are you doing?

6:10 PM

challenger3

Cricket, I am not sure that he was thinking about me today though!   We had a nice conversation this morning and he did ask what I was up to and I told him about going to my parents and church with them. He was surprised the Dad wanted to go to church but I see him changing too.   Anyway, I am sure that they spent most of the day with OW and her family. They are at a movie now! Son was very sad yesterday and kept saying how much he misses me.. It's been very hard for me!

6:10 PM

brin

MAS, Are you going to the retreat?

6:12 PM

Joannie

brin I prayed that whatever hinders them from hearing and being obedient to God would be bound and cast to the pit of hell and I loosened in its place the presence of the LIVING GOD. I also prayed the same thing for all H's too. Then I prayed whatever hinders us from believing God be removed and an added measure of Gods faith and presence fill that place as well!!!

6:12 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - They can't help but think of us. Father's Day is a reminder of the birth of the kids and what no one else but the Mom can share with a Dad. They all admit after reconciliation that they thought of us

6:12 PM

mas

challenger3 I haven't been feeling very well. Have had a headache all week right up until today and I'm pretty sure it's from stress. I've had my H on my mind lately and knowing he was spending Father's Day with OW was rather upsetting.

6:14 PM

Joannie

All, the Alice Cooper comment fit if you could have only seen me - I laughed at myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it was sooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:14 PM

Cricket

mas - Father's Day is hard, but the OW can never share this day like you can.

6:14 PM

brin

Joannie :12, Awesome! What a powerful prayer! I am going to try to pray a similar prayer!! I learned something tonight too.

6:15 PM

challenger3

mas, I was going to call you today as well. We did not make him go to his game today because H did not want to mess up his whole day for it. It has been very hard on me this week. Son has been sad..Daughter said it is not the same without me...They both have been very quiet around me. Just not the same kids at all. Son is very excited about coming home tomorrow.

6:15 PM

mas

brin @10 See my response to challenger3.

6:15 PM

Cricket

All - A close friend's H had a biopsy due to a growth on his thyroid ... results are due this week. Please pray with me for Bruce for an accurate diagnosis, complete healing and no cancer.... Thanks.

6:17 PM

brin

mas :12, Sorry to hear you've been upset about H & OW, and having a headache for so long. I know it's hard. If you can, try to remember that OW is only a smelly, dirty and temporary band aid will fall off sooner or later.

6:17 PM

Joannie

Cricket got it!!!! had a friend from FB face something unexpected yesterday. Her fiancé had brain surgery, came home, she was in a sever car wreck this past Thurs. came home that night. Fiancé had a massive heart attack and died Sat. afternoon.

6:18 PM

brin

Joannie :17, How awful!!!

6:18 PM

challenger3

Joannie, WOW! To a lot of what you have posted tonight! What an amazing experience and I am going to try and use some of those prayers. What an awful thing for your friend!

6:19 PM

Joannie

all, I know I just checked FB before going to a 31 party at my nieces house and I was floored!!!!!

6:19 PM

brin

All, I wonder if it's quiet tonight because people are busy with Father's Day.

6:19 PM

challenger3

Cricket, I will be praying!..also I wanted to say that he seemed to really like the gifts from the kids. I think it meant a lot to him.   Not sure if it was a good idea or not but I had it on my heart and did not want my kids to not give him a gift on father's day. They loved making them too!

6:19 PM

Cricket

Joannie - Wow, I am so sorry. Yoli's brother dying suddenly Sunday too. A lot lately.

6:20 PM

challenger3

brin, probably, I know here it has been beautiful so lots of BBQing going on.

6:20 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I think it was a good idea. The only thing I worried about is taking time away from his father's day. As long as that didn't create a problem, then it was a great idea.

6:20 PM

brin

Cricket :19, Yoli's brother died today? How awful for her!

6:21 PM

Joannie

challenger3 he knows your support of the gift whether he says anything or not.

6:22 PM

brin

hi dumbfounded2.

6:22 PM

challenger3

Cricket, OH no I did not take anything from his Father's day.   He had to work yesterday as he always does on a holiday weekend. Anyway, I took them while he worked yesterday. It was kind of an agreement between us both. He had even offered me to keep longer into the evening but I didn't as I said they need to be with him when he wakes up. He called me this morning to let them say good morning and he talked with me. All of this has been him.

6:22 PM

Cricket

Brin - No he died last Sunday. I didn't see her original email so didn't know why she wasn't in chat yesterday. There was no one to facilitate. I came in but couldn't stay. I sent an email to Mas and she came in and covered for me.

6:23 PM

mas

Joannie @ 14 Still laughing at the thought!! LOL

6:23 PM

dumbfounded2

brin - Hi!

6:23 PM

challenger3

Cricket, I surprised him completely by doing what I did.

6:23 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - OH I see, then that was perfect! It's always a good idea if you can give him gifts, from the kids or something light if from you.

6:23 PM

brin

Cricket :22, I didn't see any email from her about that.

6:23 PM

Joannie

mas lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:23 PM

Cricket

brin - mas re-sent the email yesterday as I hadn't seen it either.

6:23 PM

mas

challenger3 You must be excited about their coming home too!

6:24 PM

Joannie

Hi Buttons and dumbfounded!!!!!

6:24 PM

brin

Hey buttons!

6:24 PM

Cricket

Hey Buttons & dumbfounded2

6:24 PM

mas

brin @17 I know...It's still very hard. My thoughts about them being together just keep getting the best of me.

6:25 PM

challenger3

Cricket and all, I am becoming very worried..H and I are in a good place right now but I know the GAL and the judge are not going to like what he has done. I found out that he was not even dropping them off at their summer camps that OW was.   He drove them to her place and dropped them off then went to work. She put them in her car and dropped them off. However, yesterday while he worked there seemed not to be any intention of her helping and now he talks about using our local places for the kids during July and August when he has them again which would take her completely out of the equation. D12 says that when she asks OW a question that she says-Talk to that man right over there. H is also stating that he is giving me a check this Wednesday-of course 7 days before next court date! Anyway, I guess I am just getting anxious as I really like the place where we are right now but I know it is rocky ground! I am sure he is not going to like the 27th!

6:25 PM

Cricket

mas - Keep in mind when that happens it's often the enemy attacking because the Lord is doing something that we don't see.

6:25 PM

dumbfounded2

To All - Just wanted some input about Father's Day. This is the 2nd Father's Day without H. He called me Thursday night, but when I didn't catch call and then tried to call him back, he wouldn't answer. Anyway, I have mentioned to our boys (20, 12) that today is Father's Day and if they want to try to see H, they could or we could pick him up a gift. They both do not want to see him or buy him anything...each say they are tired of trying to get him to see them. So, I cooked dinner for my

6:25 PM

brin

Cricket, all, I have been cutting back on volunteer stuff at church because of my thyroid issue, and stressful work. I am looking forward to a bit more space to breathe.

6:25 PM

mas

Cricket My prayers are with him and his family.

6:26 PM

Cricket

mas - Thanks mas.

6:26 PM

brin

mas :24. I agree with Cricket@25. Often it's the enemy at work trying to mess us up. I know he's often trying to do that.

6:26 PM

dumbfounded2

To All - father and made a cake for FIL. We visited both sets of grandparents (2 hours away from home). Neither side of family mentioned H. Like he is dead. What do you think they are thinking.. I feel kind of sad for H, not seeing kids today or getting father's day recognition, but I know I can't push kids into doing anything. Am I doing the right thing.. The day is almost over and now I am second guessing what to do if anything.

6:26 PM

mas

Joannie @17 How awful!

6:27 PM

Cricket

brin - I can imagine especially with how busy you've been.   I can usually handle chat on my own if you want to take off.

6:27 PM

buttons

Joannie brin Cricket Hey there, sorry doing a tiny bit of catching up... partly cooked dinner but H and I had leftover spaghetti around 3 so just going to put salad with the chicken wings in a bit here

6:27 PM

Swan

Cricket and Joey - yes I was lurking in the background. I am on my 20th hour after only 3 hours sleep, so I thought I would just monitor and make sure there were facilitators for tonight. There were, so I was catching up on email and such before I head to bed. I am off tomorrow at both jobs so I will get plenty of sleep tonight.

6:27 PM

buttons

Hi lalachrissie

6:28 PM

lalachrissie

Hi everyone. Hoping I can stay online. My Internet has been going in and out for two days

6:28 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 :27, I think you did the right thing in letting your kids decide. After all, it's their father. Your H needs to see the consequences of his actions. Don't worry about what he's missing. That's his problem and it's not yours to fix.

6:28 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - It is very important that our H's stay connected to the kids, it really helps work toward restoration. I loved what challenger3 did in taking her kids to make gifts for their Dad. One of the things that can delay or make it harder for a mlcr to return is feeling that he won't be forgiven by family.

6:29 PM

brin

Cricket :27, Thanks. It's ok. I'll stay till the hour's up.

6:29 PM

Joannie

Swan whooo hoooo that’s great and much needed!!!!!!!

6:29 PM

dumbfounded2

brin - I know. But what do you think was going on when he called and then when I called back within 1 minute, he refused to answer. Makes me really worry about his frame of mind.

6:29 PM

Cricket

Swan - Don't worry. We're okay. Get some rest.

6:29 PM

buttons

hi bluesky

6:29 PM

challenger3

lalachrissie, Hi lala!

6:29 PM

Joannie

Hi bluesky!!!

6:30 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 :29, It could have been anything. He was with someone or he just didn't want to talk because he felt pressured when he saw you called back.

6:30 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - Anything you can do to encourage your kids is helpful. I know some here found that explaining mlc to them helped. Of course you can't force them to stay connected but when you can encourage them, it is helpful.

6:30 PM

Joannie

Swan did you see my early post about my afternoon experience!!! :)

6:30 PM

brin

Hi Swan, Bluesky, lalachrissie.

6:30 PM

challenger3

Hi Bluesky and Swan!

6:30 PM

Swan

Joannie - I did, that was awesome.

6:31 PM

Joannie

Hi lalachrissie!!!!

6:31 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - They feel very guilty and when we don't answer, they often assume we are angry or playing games. If you can leave a message when that happens explaining you were outside, in the shower, whatever and missed the call it can help.

6:31 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I agree, but H is in NC and will not respond to text from kids or calls right now. He has been coming around about every 2 weeks (IF I push for contact) Otherwise, nothing! When he is here he is flirty and kind and then vanishes. I explained MLC to both kids, we looked at books together and I try to always give H benefit of doubt about not returning calls, but my explanations are starting to sound lame even to me. Like H is busy, working, out of town working, but Thursday's call w

6:32 PM

Joannie

Swan I have to remember that the uproot part is also in Gods timing. Swan, just so you know I called your H out my name during prayer!

6:32 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 : I agree with what Cricket said @30 too. Try to explain to the kids about MLC. I believe either Men in Midlife Crisis or Your Husband's Midlife Crisis talks about explaining to the kids, and encouraging them to be supportive.

6:32 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - was straight up something going on with H. He called me and let it ring until voice mail (I was getting out of shower and S12 ran to phone but was too late).   S12 called him right back and then text him but he DID NOT RESPOND.

6:32 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, I can say that this was my 2nd father's day without H at home. I have made sure that the kids have given him something each year. What I can say is that you cannot control your 20 year old but I think you said the other is 12. Maybe offering to take him or buy a card and have him sign up-something like that. Nothing mushy by any means just recognition. At the end of the day he is their father and they do get to make their decisions. I figure if all of this continues and my

6:33 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - I know many of them struggle with severe depression. My H admitted thoughts of suicide. When you add all the guilt and other issues, they really are struggling.

6:33 PM

lalachrissie

dumbfounded- d10 hasn't really spent time with H the past few months and without telling her she should see her dad I suggested some things that might be fun for her and she mentioned those things to him. he was able to spend the morning and early afternoon with her. sometimes it helps if you just make suggestions that are outside of the norm (the old norm)

6:33 PM

mas

All I did speak with Yoli this morning and even though it's been a rough week for her, she seems to be doing okay under the circumstances. She had gone home for the funeral and just got back yesterday. She said that she "loves you guys" and that she appreciates everyone's thoughts and prayers.

6:33 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Do you think it would be right to text him Happy Father's Day even if it is from my phone?

6:33 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, children grow and make those decisions then he will know it was them and not me. Then he has to face those consequences. D12 told him one time she did not want to go to his place but stay home to see her friends. He figured she would be upset with her decision but she wasn't. I think that hurt him but that decision was made without me around.

6:34 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I think you are very wise in how you are dealing with this.

6:34 PM

Swan

Joannie - Thank you dear lady, I am so blessed that there are so many praying for him. At this point as much as I stand on the promise of reconciliation, I far more just want my husband to be right with God and to submit his life to the Lord, given his condition that is far more pressing.

6:34 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - Yes I do... do it as though from the kids.

6:35 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Ok. Thanks! This is worrying me, but some small part of me wants to leave it alone and hope he sees the consequences of his actions, but then I remember he barely recognizes his actions.

6:35 PM

brin

Swan :34, How is he doing now?

6:35 PM

lalachrissie

dumbfounded2 @:33 for you to text him or the kids? I texted my h this morning and said happy father's day, so happy you are able to see both girls today. hope you have fun.

6:35 PM

Joannie

mas, I'm glad she's doing OK!!!!

6:36 PM

mas

Joannie She's a very strong lady!

6:36 PM

mas

Joannie And she's also blessed to have a great deal of support from friends and family.

6:36 PM

Joannie

mas :)

6:37 PM

Swan

brin - Same, needs a heart transplant, is on the list, however, a heart that matches has to come available.

6:37 PM

lalachrissie

dumbfounded2/cricket I disagree with the texting as if it's from the kids. this is lying to him and I know my kids would be extremely upset if I sent anything to h on their behalf.

6:37 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I really try ladies to keep him engaged with Kid's and what they are doing. He will tell them he is going to do something for them or mention doing something with them and he never follows through. So, I kind of feel it is time for him to reach a point of looking around and saying I have to get myself together for my kids if nothing else.   Can this happen without my assistance?

6:37 PM

buttons

(hugs and prayers) swan

6:37 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - The problem is that they can take that as one more piece of evidence that they can never return. That their kids will never forgive them and they can't face them.   They see enough consequences in other ways, it's important that they believe we and their kids can forgive them (and their in-laws)

6:37 PM

Bluesky

hi all, ahh the father's day questions. My d was in a mess of a mood today because she didn't want to call him. She finally did and got his voicemail too. She said she did her part.

6:37 PM

brin

Swan :37, How is he emotionally and spiritually? Did you get a chance to speak to him?

6:37 PM

Bluesky

Swan is he in the states for this or still overseas?

6:38 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, I do think a text or quick email saying Happy Father's day is a good move! He needs to know that someone is thinking of him. Also talk gently with your son's about being with their father. Don't push but say things like I am sorry you are hurting but he is your father. You don't have to spend every waking moment but you need to at least say hi.

6:38 PM

Swan

buttons - thanks, I am asking that the prayers be directed for my husband's healing both physically and spiritually.

6:38 PM

challenger3

Swan, will pray!

6:38 PM

buttons

Swan of course

6:38 PM

brin

mas :36, Can you please send the email? I don't think I ever got it.

6:39 PM

Cricket

lalachrissie - You misunderstood. I said text FROM the kids. I never believe in lying to them or doing anything dishonest. I believe that there needs to be trust rather they show trust for us.

6:39 PM

brin

Hello bg2012walk.

6:39 PM

Swan

Bluesky - He is back in the US for now, given his condition he is on extended leave from work, doing some minor things from home, but he has to remain calm and without stress. He isn't really at risk for heart attack as most know it, his heart just stops, no pain in advance, just doesn't beat.

6:40 PM

Cricket

lalachrissie dumbfounded2 - As was said, dumbfounded2's younger child is home and could be encouraged to text Dad.

6:40 PM

challenger3

Cricket, @34THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much that means to me. I have to say last night I spent some time with friends. It is the first time that I went out and had a few drinks since he left a year and a half ago. They all care so much for me and really hate what he has done. None understand why he hangs out after son's ball games and why I talk with him.   I think it is because he wants to know that he can still be a part of the "gang". None are mean to him but they

6:41 PM

Cricket

bg2012 – Welcome

6:41 PM

buttons

All I am tired and H is so tired he actually went for a nap just after 3, is still laying in bed... I reclaimed another small piece of garden and am nearly done my three challenging (extra report cards)... hunger is sneaking in so I am going pop off... God has plans for us, trust Him and know he loves us

6:41 PM

mas

Swan We will pray for him!

6:41 PM

Cricket

buttons - You are so right... His plans are greater than we can make for ourselves

6:41 PM

lalachrissie

buttons good night

6:41 PM

brin

Good night buttons. Good to see you.

6:42 PM

Cricket

buttons - Very proud of you in making progress on those report cards AND your garden

6:42 PM

challenger3

Cricket, are angry but do not show it. However, they cannot believe what I do. I just keep saying it is best for the kids etc and I finally said you guys don't understand he is trying to see if you all hate him or not.   He wants to know if he can still be a part of this life. I have been very good about not telling too much to anyone, however, they find things out just because of the things that happen with kids. I just think this is a minor part of him seeing what I have said and reconnect

6:42 PM

Swan

I appreciate all the prayers, my husband may not be aware that he is being lifted up to the Lord, but the Lord knows and hears.

6:42 PM

Joannie

Swan yes He does!!!! :)

6:42 PM

buttons

Cricket yeah still avoided but not nearly as much :) getting somewhere on the garden helps refocus though as it is something visible that is under control

6:43 PM

mas

brin Yes, of course I will, no problem. However, I did send it out again this morning. Have you checked your mailbox today?

6:43 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - It's good for your kids and others to see you handle this with grace. I know many people told me how much they admired how I handled things that I didn't get pulled into the anger OW tried to create.

6:43 PM

Cricket

buttons - Yes I know what you mean. Anywhere we can regain control is helpful.

6:43 PM

brin

mas :43, Yes I checked it during chat. I didn't see an email from you!

6:43 PM

mas

brin Let me know if you received it. If not, I will send it out again.

6:44 PM

mas

brin Okay. I'll send it to you after chat.

6:44 PM

challenger3

Swan, today on the radio-sorry do not remember who was speaking-but he/she was taking calls. A nurse came on and said that she is in hospice and as she sees someone coming close to death she asks if they want to know about JESUS before dying and accept him. She said that there are so many times that she prays and gets discouraged and then someone says YES to her and she realizes that it is all for his GLORY.   She said never give up! It was pretty inspiring!

6:44 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I told boys that I think we should just let H know that we wish him a good day today. They said OK...you text him and say from all of us. Do you think that would be OK? I just told them that I would hate to be in turmoil and Mother's Day come and then not hear from my boys...that seemed to sink in and they want me to send him a text and tell him Happy FD! So here goes!

6:44 PM

mas

All Is there anyone else here who didn't get Yoli's e-mail?

6:45 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 :44, You could say the boys wanted me to text you this....

6:45 PM

brin

Bluesky, How are you?

6:45 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - YES, perfect. That's what I meant. Anything you can do like that and help keep the connection is good for the kids AND for your H

6:45 PM

Joannie

mas I got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:45 PM

challenger3

Cricket, That is how I feel but really none of them feel that way.   They are all very protective of me! I have really built some strong friendships and they are very angry at him because leaving me was leaving them as well. Anyway, one of the husband's stood up for me and said well it is better for the kids and when you have kids, you have to think for them.   Of course, these are also woman who have been married for many years and have not had to deal with all of this yet!

6:46 PM

dumbfounded2

brin - I just said the boys want you to know that they hope you had a great day and Happy Father's Day.

6:46 PM

Bluesky

brin fine and you?

6:46 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 :46: PERFECT!

6:47 PM

Joannie

sorry guys, I'm trying to be in chat and update my Sun School prayer list that I'm responsible for doing.

6:47 PM

brin

Bluesky :46, Fine too. Just trying to cut back on doing things to reduce stress and get more rest long term, plus waiting for my toe to heal.

6:47 PM

mas

Cricket Swan brin My H went out of today this weekend to attend a birthday party with OW. I know that part of the reason was so he could avoid having to be with D on Father's Day because there is such awkwardness between them right now. Any words of advice/wisdom regarding this?

6:47 PM

Bluesky

brin uh oh what happened to your toe?

6:47 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I understand but that's why I avoid telling most people anything my H did that was hurtful. I also told them that I was taking time for my healing, etc.   They'd see me keeping busy and didn't worry about me so much. Now of course they see me doing lots of things (healthy) and see that I seem happy.   BUT yes friends and family can become protective and often try to fix things so it's best not to share much except for 1 or 2 very trusted friends.

6:47 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - I agree PERFECT

6:48 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket , Brin - Thanks. I really think my H is in the withdrawal stage big time. He has said things over the past few months, like don't you know I know how stupid I am being and I can't come home because I would have to admit I was wrong. I guess this is what yall are talking about when you say they are assuming they can't be forgiven.

6:48 PM

lalachrissie

all- wondering if this is normal behavior for in-laws. Friday was middle school graduation and my bil, fil, and mil all attended. fil was very nice, hugged me and spoke to me. bil and mil didn't say one word to me, but today at brunch they asked the girls to tell me hello and asked how I am.

6:48 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, I think that is good as well. From one mother to another, your children are going to follow YOUR lead in this. If you hate then they will. If you say OK whatever then they will say that. I am doing my best not to force but I do let them know that although they are angry, that he is still their Dad and he does deserve respect for that in itself. My D12 hates it and has even said that I deserve someone better but I just stand strong. I told my mother yesterday what I was going

6:48 PM

brin

mas :47, I don't blame him for avoiding D on his day if they are still in conflict.

6:49 PM

brin

Bluesky :47, I slipped and hit a rock and broke it. First time breaking anything.

6:49 PM

Cricket

mas - The only thing you can do is to counsel your D on where she can make amends such as encouraging her to send a father's day greeting.   When there is an opportunity to mediate, it can be helpful.

6:49 PM

Bluesky

brin oh dear, sorry to hear, that must hurt. At least with summer you can wear sandals.

6:50 PM

Swan

All - I am fading, so I am going to say goodnight, see you all tomorrow night for chat with Bill.

6:50 PM

Bluesky

Swan nighty night

6:50 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, my mother what I was going to do with the children and invited her. I said do not be mad but it is the right thing. Her answer yeah, I just wish you had someone to think of you like that. I said Mom, I have to do what I think is right and best. Just because it doesn't happen for me doesn't mean I should do the same.   She agreed and even helped with the gifts. I just think we need to be the pillar and as Cricket says show GRACE and MERCY which is JESUS speaking through us

6:50 PM

challenger3

Swan, good night

6:51 PM

dumbfounded2

Challenger3 - The last time we (boys and I) bought H some clothes, when I gave them to him (He knows I am behind all of that), he seemed to feel extremely guilty for taking them, and it was quite awhile before he wore them.   I guess that is guilt and shame at work. I kind of think he may have been drinking (and he was working out of town) when he called the other night, and his emotions may have been at work and that would explain the failure to answer the phone or respond.

6:51 PM

mas

Cricket I'm sure my D has probably done that, but my H feels like it's all superficial on her part.

6:51 PM

Swan

While we are all thinking about Father's Day, let us remember to acknowledge and praise our Heavenly Father.

6:51 PM

mas

Swan Have a good night!

6:51 PM

brin

dumbfounded2 :48, It is huge for your H to say all those things. Your continued compassion and acceptance of him as a person - I am sure he would appreciate, and make it easier with time to see he can or is forgiven.

6:51 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I always remember my Mom and how incredible she was. My Dad had affairs, was abusive, etc. He eventually threw us out. I remember saying to my Mom that I wished she married someone else. I replied, How can you say that! She said she wouldn't have had us except for my Dad. I said you'd have had kids but she said they wouldn't be us.   Later when I was older, she told me that she never wanted me to hate my Dad and never want to spew hate, that He was always part of me and me part of him. Incredible woman.

6:52 PM

brin

Bluesky :49, Thanks. Wearing a fracture shoe so I am mismatched every day and get comments about it. :)

6:53 PM

mas

brin I'm so sorry about your toe. I didn't know about it either.

6:53 PM

challenger3

Cricket, it is hard to explain but that is exactly what I do.   The unfortunate part is that my kids are their kids friends and they are all on the same sports teams, camps etc.   They see me doing so much and not him, then see him enjoying things. I have not really told too much lately but it gets really hard when you are with these people 2-5 times a week and they "see" the aftermath of this type of stuff. However, again they are all being good to him and keeping their opinions to themselves

6:53 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - You are being a wonderful mentor for your kids.   That's what I meant about my Mom.   She had every right to be angry and allow us to be angry. But she showed such grace and set an incredible example for each of us. She truly loved as Jesus would.

6:53 PM

Bluesky

brin maybe you should put some glitter on it lol

6:53 PM

brin

mas :53, Thanks MAS. I'll put glitter on it, like Bluesky said. :)

6:53 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - AND that is what is important. They will follow your lead and your kids will learn from you.

6:54 PM

mas

brin Did you ask me way back in chat if I was going to the retreat?

6:54 PM

brin

mas :54, Yes I did.

6:54 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - I just realized that I got caught up in replying to others and didn't say hi to you my friend. Sorry, not intentional.

6:54 PM

brin

Cricket, I hope you do go to the retreat. I am leaning towards going.

6:55 PM

Bluesky

Cricket no worries at all.

6:55 PM

brin

Bluesky, You going to the retreat?

6:55 PM

Bluesky

brin nope

6:55 PM

dumbfounded2

lalachrissie - My son's 6th grade graduation was the first of May and all our family showed up (which has hardly happened at all until all this with my H). MIL, FIL, SIL, niece, nephew...quite the get together and when H showed up, he was a bit stunned, buy my father got up and hugged H and told him he missed him.   H seemed a little choked up and went to restroom and then returned and told me how nice I looked and sat in front of me on bleachers and leaned back on my knees to help his back

6:55 PM

mas

brin Yes, I would like to. So far I haven't found anyone else who is going, though. Are you?

6:55 PM

brin

mas :55, I am leaning towards going. Surety said she is going.

6:56 PM

dogwood

all hope everyone is fine. sorry be late

6:56 PM

Cricket

brin - I'm planning a trip to Maui in September so was waiting to see who was attending retreat.

6:56 PM

brin

Bluesky :55, Too bad. :(

6:56 PM

Cricket

Hi dogwood

6:56 PM

brin

dogwood, Hello. How are you?

6:56 PM

mas

brin Yes, I think she is the only person so far.

6:56 PM

dogwood

Cricket hi good day

6:56 PM

Bluesky

Cricket you are becoming a world traveler. how cool

6:56 PM

brin

Cricket :56, It won't be the same without you!

6:57 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, probably but like this year. I asked the kids what they wanted to get him and they chose the gifts. I didn't run out and get him a card and I didn't make a big deal out of it.   Honestly, I think he felt guilt about even receiving these kind of gifts but it also meant something to him.   Make it from the kids and let it go.   Do what you feel is right but don't push. I have learned that lesson from the group and it seems to work!

6:57 PM

Cricket

brin - It would be strange for me too. I've never missed a retreat in 8 yrs.

6:57 PM

dogwood

Cricket your September trip would not conflict with the retreat dates though

6:57 PM

Cricket

dogwood = No just the expense and leaving my kitties.

6:58 PM

mas

Cricket I agree with brin @56!!

6:58 PM

brin

Cricket :57, Well, Surety is going. Looks like Hannah wants to go. And maybe Cindy, MAS and I

6:58 PM

Cricket

challenger3 dumfounded2 - I agree completely... (gifts)

6:58 PM

Cricket

brin - WELL that does make me want to go.

6:59 PM

brin

Cricket :59, He he he

6:59 PM

mas

Cricket You've got to go!!

6:59 PM

Cricket

Thanks all.... I'll look into it.

6:59 PM

dumbfounded2

challenger3 - I tried not to think about him too much today and concentrated on my father and father in law. I know my in-laws have a hole in their heart because H has withdrawn from everyone, so I feel sorry for them too. Anyway, I sent the text and that will have to do for now. My H knows that I love him and that the boy's want their dad home, so he will have to find his way...there is only so much I can do without getting in the way of his journey.

6:59 PM

mas

Cricket I'll get a petition going if you don't! LOL

6:59 PM

Joannie

Cricket who would host the party room girlie????

6:59 PM

challenger3

Cricket, Thanks Cricket... That truly is my goal in this..to teach my children to be loving compassionate people and not greedy and self centered. I feel like I am battling a lot of things and in the end if I win that battle then I can handle this journey!

7:00 PM

Cricket

UH OHH mas with a petition.... LOL

7:00 PM

brin

Joannie :59 - Probably Cricket???

7:00 PM

brin

mas :59, Yes, you go girl!

7:00 PM

mas

Cricket Yeah! You'd better look out! lol

7:00 PM

mas

Joannie Are you going?

7:01 PM

Joannie

brin I was directing it at her asking if she's not there they'd be no party room. :)

7:01 PM

brin

Cricket, Maybe you can go to San Diego enroute to Maui???

7:01 PM

brin

Joannie :01, he he he. That is probably true!

7:01 PM

Cricket

I wish I could pack my kittens to go with me. My little one is lying on the beach towel I had over my lap that's hanging onto the floor at my feet.

7:01 PM

mas

Cricket Don't you see how much you're wanted?

7:01 PM

brin

Hey everyone, I need to go. Have a great week.

7:02 PM

Joannie

mas no, my job is really tough about getting off work. even if you get off they talk behind your back and run you down for asking off. Plus I can't afford it right now. hrs have been cut also.

7:02 PM

brin

good night all!

7:02 PM

Cricket

mas / all - Yes that is special. I'll look into flights again and see what I can do.

7:02 PM

mas

brin Goodnight! Hope your foot feels better! I'll send you that e-mail!

7:02 PM

Cricket

brin - Sleep well

7:02 PM

brin

thanks mas

7:02 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, I have had to realize that myself. My counselor asked me how I felt watching someone that I loved and even married self destruct. I said it is hard but I have to block that out. HE is making those choices-not me. He is a 42 year old man with 2 kids acting like a teenager and sometimes you have to let the ones you love go and find their way. I have had to do that with this situation.   I have no control-only GOD.   Find a way to build that block in your head and heart. Stay

7:02 PM

brin

thanks cricket. you too.

7:03 PM

mas

Joannie Oh, that's too bad.

7:03 PM

Bluesky

all. there are certainly a lot of new people who could go too.

7:03 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - You're exactly right. We can't fix them or control what they do. All we can do is make sure we don't put up walls, heal and let the Lord work in us so when our H's are healed, they know they can come home and be forgiven.

7:04 PM

mas

All Has anyone heard from Hepsy at all?

7:04 PM

Joannie

Cricket amen at :03!!!!

7:04 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, consistent no matter what he says. Do not respond the way you used to! These are the things that I have found are working to keep me at peace. Also I get up every day and say NEW Day and start over again. Lastly, I have not STOPPED thinking about my H today but I have kept myself surrounded and stayed busy. It was hard this morning but I was blessed with a beautiful day with my father and my niece and family. A part of me was missing but it is what it is.

7:04 PM

Joannie

all, I need to go and get ready for work tomorrow.

7:05 PM

mas

Joannie Have a goodnight!

7:05 PM

Joannie

Cricket keep me covered, I'm off work the next 2 fri's going into the last 2 weekends of this month.

7:05 PM

mas

Joannie Sleep well.

7:06 PM

challenger3

Cricket, Please know I have learned everything about my healing from the BIBLE, this chat group and my little sister who is a Christian. I thank the LORD for bringing all of you to me as I know that I would have had the anger eating me up by now!

7:06 PM

Joannie

mas thank you sweetheart, sweet sleep for you too. Good night everyone. take care and God bless!!!!

7:06 PM

challenger3

mas, Sorry but there is no way I could make the retreat..I would love to meet everyone though!

7:07 PM

dumbfounded2

challenger3 - Is your H ever affectionate with you? My H will sometimes walk up and kiss me gently or hug me or lean in and ask for a kiss when he is around? Then of course he disappears. I have asked him repeatedly to come and stay with S12 and I will go out and they can have the house to do whatever, but he never takes me up on hit...so I do like you say keep reminding myself that my 43 yr old grown husband is not really who I am talking to most of the time and one day he will hopefully

7:07 PM

dumbfounded2

challenger 3 - wake up and remember he is a father and husband and he really wants to keep his family because they have always been there for him even when he is acting badly

7:07 PM

mas

challenger3 I wish you could too!! But I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I realize it would be really hard.

7:08 PM

mas

Has anyone heard from Hepsy?

7:08 PM

Cricket

mas - No I've been worried about her.

7:09 PM

mas

Cricket I know, so am I. She never returned my phone call and she hasn't been in chat for awhile.'

7:09 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, no my H quit being affectionate to me last year around Easter when we started talking the D word.   I think he feels like he is cheating on OW now and does not want to lead me on. One of our last dates we went on he couldn't keep his hands off of me but when we came home and he starting kissing me he took off out of the house. He said he sat in his car wanting to come back in but just couldn't because he felt like he would be leading me on. I notice that there are times he puts

7:10 PM

Cricket

mas - Yes not since she found his texts.

7:11 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 it is amazing how they feel they would be cheating on the OW. I think my h did that too.

7:11 PM

challenger3

dumbfounded2, more distance between us and then other times where he will be close to me. I think he still has feelings for me and has come to realize it but does not want to venture into it with me. I think he has made his decision for now and he does not want to mess up what he thinks he has by doing anything with me. I don't know just what I think. The way I look at this is do not regret anything you do. Never give him the ability to say well you never....

7:13 PM

challenger3

Bluesky, I really do not know for sure but that is the feeling that I get. I really do see him looking at me with kinder eyes. I see him keeping her at a distance from me. She is NEVER thrown in my face by him. He will only comment on things if D12 or anyone else brings her up to me. Yesterday we signed our son up for his football team and they always have a mouse race. Based on the dollar amount of the check, he got 2 tickets..One for me and one for him.   She was not invited to son's day at Busch stadium. We sat and chatted and shared drinks etc. Really strange to me. He really keeps us separated..Not sure if it is him or her but that is what he is doing.

7:14 PM

Bluesky

all, I am pretty bummed. I thought things were changing for my h and d, but today she called me crying about it being FD and not wanting to call him. She is on my phone coverage so I saw how much she was texting him. But she said it wasn't that at all. I didn't ask any further but I thought I was going to see some movement as I have been attacked lately myself. I guess it was just the first anniversary of the D was yesterday.

7:15 PM

challenger3

mas, Yeah I think I either be on my cruise that week or I will be just getting back..

7:17 PM

mas

challenger3 Oh that's right! I forgot that you are going on your cruise at that time!

7:17 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - Those dates are key. Who knows what might have happened between your D and your H.   I'd keep encouraging her and leave the door open if she wants to talk.

7:17 PM

challenger3

Bluesky, sorry (((HUGS))) to you and your daughter.   My daughter gets very conflicted too!   They love and hate their dad's for doing this. It's hard.

7:18 PM

Cricket

All - Chat will close soon. We want to wrap things up and remember to pray for one another and for Swan and her H of course.

7:18 PM

dumbfounded2

challenger3 - Thanks! And I will keep praying and holding onto hope!

7:18 PM

Bluesky

Cricket she said today, thank goodness you are there mom, D doesn't answer right away, and sometimes could take 4 days to respond. That was after I told her I sent him an email the other day wishing him a H FD and thanking him for my amazing kids. I never heard anything. She said she doesn't either. So nothing has changed.

7:18 PM

challenger3

mas, yeah and he still has not said much to me about it. He has not asked me much about it all but I have noticed him asking minor things so I gave him full details.   I still do not know why he is upset about it as he has not let me know about that at all. I am figuring that since he has not then it must be jealousy! just a guess

7:18 PM

dogwood

Bluesky I am really sorry for your D first year passed already... Looking back, you must be proud of how you have been handling life after D, even though it is painful. You should be proud of yourself !

7:19 PM

Bluesky

challenger3 thanks, my d and h were so tight it was scary.

7:19 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - They still go through waves. Often when they are connecting, something scares them and they pull away.

7:20 PM

mas

challenger3 Hmm...Didn't he seem to be ok with it at first?

     

7:20 PM

Bluesky

dogwood ahh thanks. Time flies that’s for sure. I am glad it is passed. I don't know if I am proud of that as much as I am proud of handling the repairs and stuff for the house.

7:21 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - Also kids forget what happened yesterday. If he pulled away, her view will be that he always does. In mlc, these guys can be connecting with the kids and hit depression and pull away and in their mind the world ended (kids emotions just are so dramatic)

7:21 PM

Bluesky

good to see you all. have a great week.

7:22 PM

challenger3

mas, all he did was call me and say "why did you think I would be mad at you about going on a cruise." I said I knew you wouldn't be mad but was struggling with telling him the real reason and that is that it is without him so telling him made it real. I did say it finally and he didn't know how to respond. That is all except for asking me about dates etc. Then I find out through my D that he was telling his sister and friends and was upset about all of us going but didn't know why.

7:22 PM

dogwood

Bluesky I admire how you have picked up yourself and move forward with your life in the meantime.

7:22 PM

Bluesky

Cricket true, she is going thru a lot of emotions right now with her sports over, today and having to leave her internship soon.

7:22 PM

Bluesky

dogwood thanks, we just do what we have to do. You will find your strength too.

7:24 PM

dogwood

all good night. thanks for the chat.

7:25 PM

mas

challenger3 Hopefully, he will get over it.

7:26 PM

Cricket

AL - It is time to close. Have a good night. You are all in my prayers.

7:26 PM

challenger3

mas, again I think this is more about him not getting to go than anything but he can't say that. I think it is jealousy and watching me move forward. I am telling you his looks have been weird and he has been kind to me.

7:26 PM

challenger3

GOOD night all!

7:26 PM

mas

Goodnight ladies!

7:26 PM

Cricket

Night

6:45 PM

challenger3

Cricket, That is how I feel but really none of them feel that way.   They are all very protective of me! I have really built some strong friendships and they are very angry at him because leaving me was leaving them as well. Anyway, one of the husband's stood up for me and said well it is better for the kids and when you have kids, you have to think for them.   Of course, these are also woman who have been married for many years and have not had to deal with all of this yet!

6:47 PM

Cricket

challenger3 - I understand but that's why I avoid telling most people anything my H did that was hurtful. I also told them that I was taking time for my healing, etc.   They'd see me keeping busy and didn't worry about me so much. Now of course they see me doing lots of things (healthy) and see that I seem happy.   BUT yes friends and family can become protective and often try to fix things so it's best not to share much except for 1 or 2 very trusted friends.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud