Midlife Dimensions

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Mother's Day - 5/13/12

6:34 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, he said he was thinking of me on my birthday. But maybe he went back to her because of Mother's Day. Cricket @ 8:33, I am so sorry about that for you. I think she can't tell him anything about me because I dropped out of their life for a year. Yes, it is an addiction. At 1:30 when he woke me up, he said he was uncomfortable and had to go, and I said, the addiction is fighting you again.

6:35 PM

dani

Pelagius, there was a situation that was so awful and disturbing, for me (involving an ow), 10 months after he started the "trek" home. I could not believe that it was happening and I thought this was going to be the end of the process for us. God's grace used this. My h told me "I am on my way home, I'm on the road, and I just keep getting off track." It took another 3 months for him to be officially home. Do not lose track of who you have learned to be in this journey.   He needs the steadiness more than ever now.

 


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May 13, 2012 / Sunday 6-7 pm PST / CR#1

6:01 PM

dani

Hi Joey, how are you tonight?!

6:01 PM

dani

Hi Cricket.....and how are you?

6:01 PM

Cricket

Welcome all - Happy Mother's Day. I know today is difficult during our mlc journey, but know that our mlc spouses are thinking of us especially at this time. They don't admit this, but they are. Each of the returned prodigals including David Alan and Bob Steinkamp shared this is true.

6:02 PM

dani

Cricket, I can attest to that from my h too.

6:02 PM

Joey

Hey guys!!!

6:02 PM

Cricket

Hi dani & Joey.

6:03 PM

Cricket

Dani - dumfounded2 was asking for you last week. I sent her some emails including things you'd shared.  

6:06 PM

dani

H Mas, how are you this evening?

6:07 PM

Cricket

I'm reading the Sacred Echo for a Women's Bible Study.   Margaret Feinberg talks about waiting for our prayers to be answered. She devotes a whole chapter to waiting and includes a section: How Long?   He invites us to place the weight of the weight on him. He does not want us to wait alone, but rather to wait on him alone. God invites the restless soul, like my own, to find respite in him. Not only does he listen to our heart's cries as we wait, but he blesses us, strengthens us, and renews us the process. The reward for the wait is described as immeasurable.   "For from of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, Neither has the eye seen a God besides Thee, Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him.   If waiting packs so many benefits and blessings, then why is it still so hard? Why do I waste time worrying, complaining and filling every crevice of time with activity? I think I have a lot to learn from Meredith. (Portion of Margaret's book)

6:07 PM

mas

Hi dani I was feeling quite sad this morning, but I'm doing better now. How are you?

6:08 PM

Cricket

dani - OH... you are probably right.

6:08 PM

Cricket

Welcome mas & Pelagius

6:09 PM

mas

Cricket Thank you and hello.

6:10 PM

Pelagius

Hi Cricket and everyone. MAS, I love what you shared from the book you're reading. Joey, so sorry about the facebook post.

6:10 PM

mas

Pelagius Hi there.

6:10 PM

dani

Cricket...Amen!!....to The Sacred Echo.

6:11 PM

Cricket

Joey - My H has set a date in July. He is moving very quickly for his quick fix. I worry for the young boy and even this woman as there is no way he should be moving this quickly regardless.

6:11 PM

Pelagius

Or was that your post on the Sacred Echo, Cricket? Sorry.

6:11 PM

Pelagius

Cricket, what do you mean your h has set a date?

6:12 PM

dani

Joey, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know it hurts. I am praying that this is, indeed, something that will not come to pass.

6:12 PM

Joey

Cricket we're riding that same boat! I'm in good company with you!

6:13 PM

Pelagius

Me too Joey! Sometimes when our h's get right down to it and have made a promise or obligation to the OW, they find at the last minute they cannot go through with it.

6:13 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Yes we're doing a Woman's Bible study by Margaret Feinberg. She talks a lot about waiting for our prayers to be answered and how difficult she's found it to wait for some prayers to be answered. Much of the chapter I just read fit so well with our journey.

6:13 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:13, that's for sure. And there are often, in this journey, "almost got there" moments that fall through. Those are the most discouraging.

6:14 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - My H only began dating this woman in February and proposed a week ago. They set a date July 28th.

6:14 PM

Pelagius

Cricket, wow. That is a rush. Talk about a quick fix!

6:14 PM

dani

Pelagius, Welcome!   I don't think I've chatted with you before?

6:15 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Keep in mind that when Dani's H returned to restore their marriage, he kept his apartment for a year. There are slips along the way, they scare themselves but your H is working his way home.

6:15 PM

dani

Cricket....that certainly is a "quick fix".   I'm praying for you.

6:16 PM

Pelagius

Hey dani! Probably not! I don't get to chat much. Cricket, I think so. I wish he would go to an apartment, but he is back with OW, even after saying he KNOWS he cannot commit to her, and that her financial situation would be worse with him involved. Of course, he can't let her get wrapped up in his finances because he plans to leave her, I know. I wish we lived far away from OW. H's children called last night, disappointed to find he wasn't home.   His oldest wants him there, 1100 miles from here. I know they want him back with me, but they would rather have him there, so sometimes I feel they pressure him to come home with or without me. And their motives are a little selfish; they want help with their six kids. But they do love him.

6:17 PM

mas

Pelagius @13   You're fortunate. I've never had one of those moments, and it's been 5 years for me.

6:17 PM

Cricket

dani/All - This woman is someone I had been friends with. I really don't blame her as she knew he married the OW and is divorced and had reconnected with me and then left. I know he's told her that there was just nothing there with me & that it had been a couple years since we'd reconnected. I do worry that she and her young son about 10 yrs will be hurt in all of this.

6:18 PM

Pelagius

MAS, I know. There are many of us in this group in that situation. Cricket, my h tells me he wants to be home but doesn't feel for me what he wants to, that he wants the excitement of our early days. It is like getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech all over again. The thing, he has lost the connection to OW too. I wonder if there will be another person for him at some point.

6:18 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Sadly they are probably justifying their actions but it sounds like you are right in they are thinking of their needs first.

6:19 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:18, fortunately h does not want to live there.   He says there is nothing for him.   He wants to go live in my home state.   he found a cabin he wants us to buy, but I cannot just pick up and go and leave my job and have a mortgage until/unless I know he's back and settled. He had a manic episode over it, ready to drive down there and look at the place and make an offer on the spot.

6:20 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - You did the right thing by not pressuring him when he told you he had to leave and telling him the porch light is on.   Many here have seen several false starts. The fact that your H told his family he was home and all that he shared, he is trying very hard and will get there.

6:20 PM

dani

Pelagius, Cricket just filled me in on who you are....I know you from a different name. This is certainly an important time to have faith in what we cannot see. So many ups and downs, twists and turns. They make plans that seem counter-productive at times and it can be very discouraging. It's a process and God can use it all.

6:21 PM

Joey

amen to what dani and cricket both said!!!!

6:21 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:17, I know what you mean about others getting hurt.   Despite how angry I am about h and OW hooking up while he was still married to me, I can see how she is clueless about how he still feels about me and wanting to be home; she believed him when he said our marriage was over. he lied to her and said he only knew me a year before we married (we dated for 11 years!). There is so much going on that is dangerous and violent in that house. I feel for that little boy.

6:22 PM

Joey

hi skby!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:23 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:20, I hope so. I DO know that he really is trying VERY hard. I even got mad at God Thursday night, after H left at 1:30 am Thursday, and said, good grief, Lord, can't you see he's trying??? Can't you HELP him?

6:23 PM

Pelagius

HI SBKY!

6:23 PM

sbky

hello everyone

6:23 PM

Cricket

All - The thing is that my H hadn't been dating and had told all his golf friends (male) how he was done with women, never getting married again, had failed twice, etc etc. Not that I believe that, but he went from that to suddenly dating this woman who lives near me to proposing & setting a date... We never had kids so this would be a huge adjustment and he's obviously not thinking clearly. Of course this woman should know better and be thinking of her son...

6:24 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Your emotions and crying out to God is very normal. It is hard, like you reach for the brass ring and get your fingers on it and it's pulled away, over and over.

6:24 PM

Joey

Cricket no, they see mill ticket and run for it!!!

6:24 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:23, I was struck too by this quick change because I recall you saying that his dominant theme has been that he's done with women.   My h says he wants the feelings back from when we dated. I think sometimes they feel numb and really need to feel those amazing feelings of a new love, and confuse that with lust and infatuation.

6:26 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:24, what prompted it was that he left his ring here.   His good ring, the gold one with diamonds in the band, has been on the dresser since he left almost 4 years ago.   But we had a sterling silver set from a fair, with an Irish claddagh on them. He carried that in the truck and when he was home, he wore it. This last time, he wore it nonstop, until Thursday. He left it in the bathroom and asked if I'd seen it. I told him where it was. And he left it on the dresser next to the other one. But I decided to console myself and tell myself he has never taken anything with him that he valued, for fear he'd leave it there when he left.   But I wish he had it with him in his truck.

6:26 PM

sbky

all we are still looking for a place to live. I have always lived with or next to family. so this is so scary. I just keep reminding myself God has a place for us

6:26 PM

Pelagius

Hey Bluesky! SBKY, are you moving to a different town?

6:27 PM

Joey

hi bluesky!!!!!

6:27 PM

sbky

pelaguis. no sbky talking my mil into making me move out of house we built on family land. said the kids could stay. but they came with me. living with sister now

6:27 PM

Joey

Pelagius maybe he's thinking the aw may follow him to the truck and see it and throw it away or something.

6:28 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - I know this is difficult. BUT there are several who are restored with things better than ever after some false starts like you are going through. It's weird what triggers their flight but there are so many good signs. How did you do on your paper.

6:29 PM

Bluesky

hi all, Happy Mother’s Day.

6:29 PM

Cricket

sbky - I thought you were living with your boyfriend? Are you unable to stay with him?

6:29 PM

Pelagius

Joey @ 8:27, OW's mother saw it once and said how nice it was and that he and her daughter should get a set like that. the whole family is pressuring them. Cricket @ 8:28, still working on it! It is long and has to be 5 chapters!

6:29 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius, he left again? So sorry.

6:29 PM

sbky

cricket I never moved in with bf. we stay some nights. my d dog is living there so she likes to stay some.

6:29 PM

Pelagius

sbky, sorry about the issue with your house! Yes Bluesky, left on Thursday at 1:30 am. Managed to stay 10 days. That's a record!

6:30 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius ahh man. How are you doing/

6:30 PM

dani

Hi sbky, bluesky and faithful....good to have you all here!

6:30 PM

sbky

dani hello good to be here

6:30 PM

Cricket

Hi faithful & Bluesky - Happy Mother’s Day

6:30 PM

Pelagius

Cricket @ 8:28, after all the things he said, about asking me to marry him again if we had divorced ... I cling to that. He knows he is done with her; I think he wants to "ease" out of her life, because he just ran away last time.

6:30 PM

Bluesky

dani I know dumbfounded really wants to talk to you, be Cricket and I told her weren't on the schedule this month.

6:30 PM

Cricket

sbky - How is your fil, last I heard his prognosis was very bleak.

6:31 PM

faithful

All hello happy mother days.

6:31 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius fill me in a bit, why did he go back then?

6:31 PM

Joey

hi faithful!!!

6:31 PM

Bluesky

Joey how are you?

6:31 PM

sbky

cricket fil died Dec 19. my uncle died march 1. had an aunt on my dad’s side die in Jan. had move out of house in feb.. I am praying the next six months goes so much different and better.

6:31 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, okay, I guess. After it seemed SO clear that he was home, I am ready to give up. We went to the wireless store and got him a phone to add to my plan. He texted or e-mailed ALL the family to give it to them.

6:31 PM

dani

Bluesky, hi, I didn't think I was on the schedule either, but I made a mistake and I am! I would be happy to email her if we do not connect tonight.

6:32 PM

faithful

Pelagius I am so sorry.

6:32 PM

Joey

Bluesky good how about you girlie!!!

6:32 PM

Bluesky

Joey good, quiet day, but I talked for some time with each kid on Skype.

6:33 PM

sbky

Happy mother’s day to all

6:33 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, he just can't seem to stay away from her. But he talked to me for days about her drinking and violence. He is afraid of the police coming out and arresting him. When he comes home he wants to hide the truck in the garage.   He often seems afraid of something happening. He says she is manipulative and evil.

6:33 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - My H went back to the OW two or 3 times before he was finally done with her. Sadly the last time he went back to her, she told him lies about me... saying I had bad-mouthed him to people we both worked with and all around town. She had some facts because she got into chat archives and saw things I shared. She used this to twist into lies and convince my H that I was slandering all over town. The OW did this as she knew he was trying to reconnect with me and she made sure to put up walls between us.

6:33 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius does he have a short memory of what she did?

6:33 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius I guess it proves that it is an addiction

6:33 PM

sbky

mas how have you been

6:34 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - Pelagius - This really is normal. Even though they know the relationship is toxic, it's like a drug that they are trying to break the addiction.

6:34 PM

Bluesky

Cricket oh I know, it really seemed like he was done this last time though.

6:34 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, he said he was thinking of me on my birthday. But maybe he went back to her because of Mother's Day. Cricket @ 8:33, I am so sorry about that for you. I think she can't tell him anything about me because I dropped out of their life for a year. Yes, it is an addiction. At 1:30 when he woke me up, he said he was uncomfortable and had to go, and I said, the addiction is fighting you again.

6:35 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius too bad there isn't a place to go like other rehabs.

6:35 PM

dani

Pelagius, there was a situation that was so awful and disturbing, for me (involving an ow), 10 months after he started the "trek" home. I could not believe that it was happening and I thought this was going to be the end of the process for us. God's grace used this. My h told me "I am on my way home, I'm on the road, and I just keep getting off track." It took another 3 months for him to be officially home. Do not lose track of who you have learned to be in this journey.   He needs the steadiness more than ever now.

6:35 PM

mas

sbky I've been okay, I guess...up and down a lot. You know how it goes. Sorry about your living situation.

6:35 PM

Pelagius

I do think he is trying to break the addiction. But something happened in a fight they had that got physical last time that he said made him realize it was over. she isn't worth going to jail over, he said. I thought it clicked. Bluesky @ 8:35, no kiddiNG1

6:36 PM

Cricket

sbky - That has had to be so hard on your mil. I know my mil felt she had to be loyal to her son and couldn't choose me over him. She has stayed close & warm toward me but supports her son first. You MIL may feel that since you are dating someone, you will be okay and with the loss of her h and others, she just can't fight any longer (with her son about the house)

6:36 PM

sbky

all they miss so much.. I just feel sorry for the fathers that do the way my h does. me and the kids have been doing karaoke in the kitchen tonight. it is so fun.. memories..

6:36 PM

dani

Bluesky. I was reading one from 3/31. That's the only one I seem to have.

6:36 PM

sbky

cricket he is back living with his gf.. and he twisted her arm till she lost her grandkids in her life everyday too. he forced her to lose so much more than fil..

6:37 PM

Pelagius

dani, thank you for the encouragement. I listen to him talk and vent, and I do that because we are, above all else, best friends. He said that he missed being around someone who cares about HIM.   But I think he just vents and gets it off his chest.

6:37 PM

sbky

mas thanks. praying for us a place..

6:37 PM

faithful

dani is been over a year that h has been reconnecting with us and there is no indication that he wants to come home. H told daughter that I was abusive and treated him badly the whole 28 years we were married. I can't believe he really believes that

6:38 PM

Joey

hi challenger!!!!

6:38 PM

Joey

Hi Digforhelp!!!

6:38 PM

Pelagius

faithful @ 8:37, wow, I’m so sorry!

6:38 PM

Cricket

Hi Challenger3 & Digforhelp

6:38 PM

digforhelp

hello everyone

6:38 PM

Pelagius

Challenger!!! Warrior for God! Hey Digforhelp! How is the situation with your wife's surgery?

6:38 PM

faithful

dani he just remembers all the bad times and I told daughter he forgot about all the good times like our cruise and all the fun times we had traveling

6:38 PM

Bluesky

dani oh good that is the one that I have. Very weird we both looked last week. My eyes are playing tricks on me.

6:39 PM

challenger3

Cricket, Pelagius-Good Evening!

6:39 PM

sbky

faithful. they tell themselves anything to make what they are doing ok..mine keeps saying her parents raised our kids. that I didn’t. but I know I did with their help.. he is projecting how he feels on me..told my daughter I was jealous of their softball time. that we use to fight over it. .. we never fought over it. I always pushed my kids toward their dad. I think he is jealous of my time with daughter and he projects it whatever way works for him

6:39 PM

dani

Hi Challenger and digforhelp. Good to have you here!

6:39 PM

faithful

dani today he came and I was sick and still in bed at noon. H ask daughter if I had eaten anything and she said no. He made me some eggs and toast and had my daughter bring them in to me.

6:39 PM

mas

sbky Glad you're having a good Mother's Day at least.

6:40 PM

Pelagius

sbky, I HATE those projections. Sometimes I think the things h says OW did, HE did, and that he's projecting!

6:40 PM

challenger3

dani, Hello

6:40 PM

faithful

dani he also gave me a gift certificate to get my toe nails done.   I ask him why and he said just because.

6:40 PM

sbky

mas yes I am son had worked on a movie as an extra and had some money so they(he) took me out to eat. and now the fun with karaoke

6:40 PM

Pelagius

faithful @ 8:39, wow, that's a praise! Breakfast in bed? Made by the h? That's Something.

6:40 PM

dani

faithful. I know in Jim's book he tells us to go back to memories 5 or 6 years earlier....before MLC even began setting in. It takes a LONG time for them to see changes in us and trust that they are real.

6:41 PM

mas

sbky Oh, that's great!

6:41 PM

Joey

faithful that’s great!!!!

6:41 PM

Bluesky

faithful that is great, enjoy

6:41 PM

faithful

dani my daughter told him that I have change a lot since he left.

6:41 PM

digforhelp

Pelagius - the knee replacement surgery went well. her recovery has been very painful. and she seems to be warming more toward me lately.

6:41 PM

sbky

mas he was in extra on a movie called 23 blast. it is suppose to be out next spring. he enjoyed it.. never played football in school or anything but was a football player in the movie..

6:42 PM

Pelagius

so faithful, is he slowly reconnecting? dani @ 8:40, You know what? Years ago I let my hair grow out silver. I mentioned coloring it for his son's wedding and he was thrilled (I thought he hated the silver). When he was home, I said, do you like my hair, and he said let it grow out silver - the natural color of your hair is gorgeous! I'm like, HUH?

6:42 PM

Joey

digforhelp :)

6:42 PM

Pelagius

Ditto what Joey said @ 8:42, digforhelp! ;)

6:42 PM

dani

faithful, those are great signs!! It sounds like God is working on him.

6:43 PM

Bluesky

Cricket, how are you today?

6:43 PM

faithful

Pelagius that is so true about their memory. My h forgets everything and I have not bothered him or nag him to do something he was supposed to do with the kids. I just let it go.

6:43 PM

digforhelp

happy mother's day to all of you!!

6:43 PM

digforhelp

I hope you had a great day.

6:43 PM

Pelagius

faithful, I was afraid that since he was gone for over a year with no contact, he would have no clue I changed. But he notices.

6:44 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius perfect!!

6:44 PM

sbky

all I still struggle so much with the way he hurts my kids. my son doesn’t say much. my d talks to me. he never helped son get a car. my mom did. now d will be 16 in august he told her he would buy her a car. how is that going to make my son feel? I can’t imagine making such a difference

6:44 PM

dani

Sbky, I know this transition is very difficult. I will be praying with you. Some of those "changes" that I was forced into and I fought the most ended up being what was best for me......but I could not see it at the time. I will pray for your children. I know it is especially hard when you are feeling their pain too.

6:44 PM

challenger3

faithful. Those all sound like good signs!

6:44 PM

mas

sbky Extra work can be quite tedious, but I'm sure it was fun for him. Glad he enjoyed it.

6:44 PM

Pelagius

Cricket, I am going to pray with all my might that your h gets cold feet before July. But I know God has a plan!

6:44 PM

Cricket

Bluesky - I'm doing well, just got a phone call.

6:44 PM

sbky

dani. I know this is what is best for me. leaving the home was good for me. but not my kids. it was the only home they ever knew

6:45 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius Cricket Amen, I think we all are.

6:45 PM

mas

faithful @41 That is the best thing your daughter could have said to him!

6:45 PM

faithful

Cricket what is going on with your h

6:45 PM

Pelagius

dani, I don't have kids but I was surprised to find out how much his kids and family love me through all this. And I am praying my sister's heart will soften towards h.

6:45 PM

sbky

mas he is a college student. he helps drive my d around a lot. I don’t want him getting a job that will take up too much time. I still need him. but his gf is pressuring him into getting one. but him and his best friend has been starting a dj business and starting to get some work.

6:46 PM

faithful

mas yes I was proud of her.

6:46 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius despite the recent change, you have a lot of praises to share, it is only a matter of time.

6:46 PM

Joey

hibg2012walk, how are you???

6:46 PM

bg2012walk

Joey Good

6:47 PM

mas

sbky That seems so unfair. Your son is going to feel very resentful.

6:47 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, I hope so. I know there are a lot of you with experience and who can interpret what is happening. All the things he said were so sincere and so different from anything he has said before.

6:47 PM

dani

Pelagius, it is difficult for those that love us to accept them back. It took a long time for my friends.

6:47 PM

sbky

mas I am afraid so. but h has already made a big difference in them. son knows he can count on me.. but only dad when it is convenient for dad

6:47 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius well we are looking from the outside in.

6:48 PM

Cricket

Bluesky & Faithful - My H began dating a woman who'd been a friend (we lost touch) in February. He proposed last week and wedding is set for July 28th. He hadn't been dating and telling guy friends that he was done with women & never getting married again, that he'd failed twice... to dating, in love (or lust) and engaged in a very short time.

6:48 PM

dani

Hi bg2012walk....how are you tonight?

6:48 PM

Pelagius

sbky, I am sorry about your son.

6:48 PM

challenger3

Cricket, I will be praying for you!

6:48 PM

sbky

pelagius.. thank you. boys don’t talk. he was 13 when h left. now 19 sometimes I feel I let him down. cause we never talked much.

6:49 PM

bg2012walk

dani I am doing good.

6:49 PM

Cricket

digforhelp - I know today was hard for you too, not just for the Mom's but the Dads who are left behind too...

6:49 PM

faithful

Cricket I am so sorry and my heart aches for you.

6:49 PM

Pelagius

dani, my sister said if he stays home six months, she'll be open to him rejoining the family. She hates to see him come and go. She thinks he is using me (and that I am a doormat!). I can't get anyone to understand MLC, although I have a sweet sister-in-law who understands.

6:49 PM

challenger3

Digforhelp, thank you.

6:49 PM

mas

sbky A dj business sounds like fun. And he can pick and choose which jobs he wants to do.

6:49 PM

sbky

pelaguis. it is only because she loves u and hates to see you hurt each time he leaves

6:50 PM

Pelagius

sbky, boys DON'T talk, do they? To Cricket and others who have struggled with the actions of the h and their remarriage or potential remarriage; I am in awe that you guys are still here and do what you do for all of us.

6:50 PM

sbky

mas and what dates. they are doing a job for almost free tomorrow night for some advertising and June second at a Harley Davidson motorcycle shop for an animal rescue group. they will get lots of advertising with that

6:50 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius it comes from God, thankfully

6:51 PM

Joey

Bluesky amen - its God!!!

6:51 PM

sbky

pelagius. I second that about cricket and the others till being here for us.. I am in a little different place than most here but come to pray and with yall..

6:51 PM

Pelagius

dani and sbky, h was so ready to try so hard. My nephew gets married May 18 and my sister said h couldn't come to the wedding. I think that is one reason he ran. It hurts. He said he understood completely but I still think it set him back.

6:52 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Thank you for your prayers. I pray that he slows down more for this woman and her son than even for me. I have no hard feelings for this woman, she and her son are really victims here too.   They are trusting what my H says.

6:52 PM

digforhelp

Cricket - yes, hard being in the house on mother's day without my wife. I called her this morning and wished her a happy mother's day, told her how well she raised our children. she was very appreciative. later I gave her my gift and she called me to thank me for it telling me it was a thoughtful gift. then she made sure I was going to be at her grandmother's house for dinner. so I went and enjoyed myself with my in-laws and my children and wife. she greeted me with a kiss. I'm hoping this is a turn for the good.

6:52 PM

dani

Pelagius, I gave up getting anyone to understand it. I just told people "....it's my life, my heart, I'll live it the way I chose to live it." I had to get a little stubborn about it and not give them any room for discussion.

6:52 PM

sbky

Pelagius I can see that hurting him. but your sister hurts for u through all of this

6:53 PM

mas

sbky He sounds like a very enterprising young man.

6:53 PM

Joey

digforhelp :) whoo hooo!!!

6:53 PM

sbky

mas he is trying but gf mother just sees him as not working. she is so against her d being with my son..

6:54 PM

Pelagius

sbky, so you have a boyfriend? Cricket, we know we have healed when have concern about the OW. Dani @ 8:52, I have quietly and subtly been stubborn about my choice! sbky, thanks!   I was always afraid he would not come back because he would fear repairing things with family. but while he was home I hugged him a lot and told him I admired his courage. He did SO many things around here! I think his love language is service.

6:54 PM

Cricket

All - I really have given my future to the Lord. Whatever his plans are, I know his plans are better than what I try to orchestrate. I admit that when some of these thing happen, I knocks me some and I have to work on getting back on track. Still I know He has wonderful plans for each of us.

6:54 PM

challenger3

digforhelp-WOOHOO! Glad you had such a great day!

6:54 PM

Bluesky

sbky he is in college? That is a job!!

6:54 PM

dani

Pelagius. Perhaps you need to be a little stubborn with your sister in support of your h. My h told me that is one reason it took him so long to come home.....he thought we couldn't REALLY let it go. That he would never truly be accepted again, by me, our kids, our friends, etc.

6:55 PM

mas

sbky Yes, but isn't he going to college??

6:55 PM

digforhelp

Cricket Joey - my son also mentioned that she told him that IF she comes back she could no longer live in a two story house. My son thinks I should sell the house and buy a single level house. which is something I'm praying about. the current house values makes it very very hard to do that.

6:55 PM

sbky

pelaguis I am waiting for my d papers should be any day..

6:55 PM

Cricket

ALL - I am meeting a girlfriend and her D (from out of town) for a movie so I need to run. Happy Mother's Day all.

6:55 PM

faithful

Cricket yes He does and Gods plans are better than our plans.

6:55 PM

Pelagius

dani @ 8:54, thanks. I did stand up for myself and told her that she doesn't understand MLC.   She did say she would in time be ready to welcome him back, and I shared that with him.

6:55 PM

Pelagius

Cricket - hugs!

6:55 PM

sbky

mas yes 18 hours of college this spring not for sure how much next semester

6:56 PM

Pelagius

Happy Mother's Day, everyone!

6:56 PM

dani

digforhelp....that's great!

6:56 PM

Cricket

digforhelp - No worries about the house. If that is God's plan and when that time happens, HE will take care of the details.

6:56 PM

Bluesky

dani Pelagius Yes, but do they expect to have it be forgotten instantly?

6:56 PM

Joey

digforhelp just remember God can work all things for GOOD!!!! Keep praying and seeking Him! :)

6:56 PM

Cricket

Pelagius - Hugs back to you and all. Have a great night

6:56 PM

Cricket

Night all.

6:56 PM

Pelagius

Dani, thanks; I may just have to press the issue. I have not told anyone in my family that he left.  

6:56 PM

dumbfounded2

Dani - I have a problem. Tonight my H called and said his mother had sent a gift to our S12 for his 6th grade graduation. H said he would give it to him at ceremony. My H has never been "able" to take off work for any of our kid's programs so I see this as an attempt on his part to reconnect.   Only my S12 says he does not want his dad there because he hasn’t been around to do anything with him the past 2 years so he shouldn’t ruin my day. I am not sure what to do. S12 told this to H on phone.

6:57 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, good point. I think when they are themselves again, they know what they did.   He kept repeating it over and over, how badly he messed up, what a mess he made of things.

6:57 PM

dani

Pelagius, I love what you said....that you admired him for his courage.....great affirmation!

6:57 PM

sbky

dumbfounded2 that is between h and son I think..

6:57 PM

mas

sbky So, it isn't as if he's not doing anything.

6:57 PM

sbky

mas to her it is. she just doesn’t like him. doesn’t even know him..

6:57 PM

faithful

all have to go still not feeling really well and I am going to try and go to sleep.

6:58 PM

dumbfounded2

sbky - Sure, but I will get a call from MIL and I could tell H was hurt, but then I remember the hurt our sons have endured the past 2 years and I keep my mouth shut.

6:58 PM

Pelagius

dumbounfded2, I am sorry; that is hard. sorry, faithful; feel better soon!

6:58 PM

sbky

dumbfounded2 just make sure mil knows that was your son choice that u had nothing to do with it.,

6:58 PM

Pelagius

Signing off, everyone. Thank you for all the advice and encouragement.

6:58 PM

mas

sbky That has got to be difficult, I'm sure. :(

6:58 PM

Bluesky

Pelagius hang in there.

6:59 PM

sbky

mas it is... but his gf loves him and sticks up for him a lot  

6:59 PM

dani

Bluesky, I think, with my h, he did NOT expect it to happen.....that is what surprised him so when he started returning.

7:00 PM

mas

sbky Then, that's all that matters. It sounds like they have a really caring relationship.

7:00 PM

Bluesky

dani so you are talking about in the process of returning? Did you guys date?

7:01 PM

sbky

mas still hard on son and gf her mom is awful they day we buried my fil .she found out the night before and called family over on Dec 19 to exchange presents so she couldn’t come.. I am still upset over that.. my fil was more like a father to my son..

7:02 PM

challenger3

dani and all, I am not sure what to think about this but for the first time in a year my H invited me to drop the kids off at his apartment.   He did invite me into see it but that was it. Nothing big just surprised me that's all.

7:02 PM

dani

dumbfounded....when is the graduation? Do you have time to let it settle in a little? I'm wondering if your son would really like to have his dad there, but is afraid of being hurt again? We went through something similar when my daughter was about 17 on a father's day.

7:03 PM

mas

sbky She sounds like she's got a lot of underlying issues. Who else would anyone go out of their way to be so cruel like that?

7:03 PM

Joey

challenger3 in some ways it seems like he's trying to connect with you and see where you're at where he's concerned.

7:03 PM

sbky

mas I just pray for them

7:04 PM

sbky

mas but she is cruel

7:04 PM

dumbfounded2

dani - One week from tomorrow. My oldest S20 will be home for it and my mom and MIL, FIL. I can't really imagine H showing up when all these family members would be there since he has avoided them for over a year, but I don't want my S12 to get his hopes up and then H not come through.   Such a mess!

7:05 PM

dani

challenger3, someone here recently said something like....hold onto these little gifts of encouragement in your heart, don't react to it, or try to figure it out, just Thank God that He is working and see where it goes. I really liked that. Who was it that said that?

7:05 PM

challenger3

Joey, yeah I kind of think that is it as well. He even talked with me this past week about one of his new friends. They are getting married. It will be a 2nd marriage for the guy and 3rd for the girl. He has not told me anything about his new group of friends for a year.

7:05 PM

mas

sbky Yes, praying is all you can really do for them. They'll work things out if they're really serious about each other.

7:06 PM

sbky

mas that’s what I think I really try to stay out of it]

7:06 PM

sbky

mas his gf is almost 20 and my 15 years has more freedom than her

7:06 PM

digforhelp

good night everyone.

7:06 PM

challenger3

Dani, really I just wanted to get thoughts that's all. I thought it was him connecting and seeing how I would react..approve etc.. It defiantly looked like a man lived there and that a woman has not touched it all. It reminded me of when I met him 12 years ago. Looked the same just a much smaller version.

7:07 PM

dani

dumbfounded2,   can you talk to your h about this? The fact that your family would love to see him, but it is difficult, especially for son, because he is thinking of the hurt......and you are concerned he may be hurt again so deeply if he didn't show up.....and see what happens?

7:07 PM

mas

sbky Not sure I understand @06.

7:07 PM

dumbfounded2

Dani - Did your H go for a long time without contact you or kids? or did he stay in contact a lot? Did you feel like you should be a part of keeping your kids open to a relationship. My H asked me recently "how he could be losing his kids relationship? I am not sure how to answer. H seemed to be in disbelief that he had done anything to cost him his kids/

7:08 PM

Joey

all, I need to run and get ready for work in the AM. dani will that be OK???

7:08 PM

sbky

mas sons gf has no freedom to get out and do stuff. mother always makes up reasons she can’t go..

7:08 PM

dani

challenger3, it does sound encouraging.....and it is helpful to know it is like a bachelor's pad....isn't it?

7:08 PM

sbky

mas and she is almost 20

7:09 PM

sbky

all I have to work in the morning too. please remember our living situation in your prayers

7:09 PM

dani

Joey, thanks so much. Good to have you here. Good night!

7:10 PM

dumbfounded2

Dani - Yes, I can. I sort of feel like this shouldn’t be the place for a reuniting of everyone, but I guess everyone would be OK and I can talk with S some more.   Oldest will probably be angry and I can’t control what H's brother and my sister will say. They are angry with H because he has deserted our family.   No one really gets the MLC journey.   They just see him as being selfish.

7:10 PM

Joey

dani thanks girlie!!!! love to everyone. sweet sleep in Jesus and have a good week!!!

7:10 PM

Bluesky

goodnight all.

7:11 PM

dani

Bluesky, did you ask if we dated? No....not really. I invited him over a lot, made him dinner. Other times we would meet on a Fri night after work and talk. It was an easing into the relationship with lots of talking.   I tried to assimilate into his new group of friends and that was an interesting transition!!

7:11 PM

mas

sbky Wow! I really feel sorry for his gf.

7:12 PM

challenger3

dani, yes it was very encouraging. I can see that him and ow are keeping themselves at arm’s length a little.

7:12 PM

mas

sbky Is she an only child?

7:12 PM

sbky

mas no older sister

7:14 PM

mas

sbky Did/does their mother treat her the same way?

7:14 PM

dani

dumbfounded....I tried to create opportunity for them to be together....but my counselor told me early on that I could not feel or be responsible for fixing their relationship. He needed to grow up and be responsible for his relationship with his kids. That was very eye opening for me. My d and I invited him to father's day lunch early in the reconnection. I made a lunch, he came over. She never showed up. I know it hurt him. I had to have a "hands off" attitude and simply tell him she is trying to sort all this out.

7:14 PM

sbky

mas she is married with three kids. but got pregnant and didn’t go to college till later.

7:15 PM

mas

sbky Well, it sounds like she is very possessive of her younger daughter.

7:15 PM

mas

sbky And controlling.

7:16 PM

sbky

mas she is it will back fire. at some point I think..

7:16 PM

dani

I believe it is time for us to say Good Night. sbky.....I will be praying for your living situation.

7:16 PM

sbky

dani thank you.. night all

7:16 PM

dumbfounded2

dani - That is what I do, Look for and encourage opportunities for H to see boys and (me)! I guess this is normal for a LBS, but it is getting tiring. H is still very self focused and then at times he seems to "awaken" and is confused about why the boys are angry. Like time should have stood still while he was gone. He even looks for things around the house when he is here that have been gone awhile.

7:16 PM

mas

sbky It definitely will. Her daughter will eventually rebel.

7:16 PM

mas

sbky Have a great week! Goodnight!

7:17 PM

sbky

mas u too

7:17 PM

challenger3

good night all.

7:19 PM

dani

dumbfounded2, you are doing great. Pray and trust God to use it. I felt it was important for me to let my daughter (or perhaps your son) know that it was ok for them to feel this way and I was not going to push the issue to get together with dad. I would love it if we could all be together, but it is their decision.   Sometimes when they realize they have a say in the matter, it helps them think through it and find strength to do something like this.

7:19 PM

dani

Good night mas. God Bless you. Praying with you tonight.

7:20 PM

dumbfounded2

Dani - Thanks and goodnight! I will try to talk with S some more before I do anything further.

7:20 PM

mas

Thank you dani Blessings to you too.

7:20 PM

dani

Good night dumbfounded2...

 

6:34 PM

Pelagius

Bluesky, he said he was thinking of me on my birthday. But maybe he went back to her because of Mother's Day. Cricket @ 8:33, I am so sorry about that for you. I think she can't tell him anything about me because I dropped out of their life for a year. Yes, it is an addiction. At 1:30 when he woke me up, he said he was uncomfortable and had to go, and I said, the addiction is fighting you again.

6:35 PM

dani

Pelagius, there was a situation that was so awful and disturbing, for me (involving an ow), 10 months after he started the "trek" home. I could not believe that it was happening and I thought this was going to be the end of the process for us. God's grace used this. My h told me "I am on my way home, I'm on the road, and I just keep getting off track." It took another 3 months for him to be officially home. Do not lose track of who you have learned to be in this journey.   He needs the steadiness more than ever now.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud