Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

Christmas Eve – 12/24/09

6:37 Still: Swanlake, I pray this is true. I am afraid my H will throw us away before he gets to that point. He told me this weekend that he thinks of leaving all the time, but doesn't want to hurt the children. He says he has had only apathy for me for a year.

6:42 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - It might feel like being thrown away when our spouses divorce us, but as we have seen several times, divorce doesn't mean the end, heck even if they marry another person, it isn't the end. As Jim says, it really isn't us they need to leave, they are running from their own emotional scars and even when and if they leave, the mess follows them, because they cannot out run themselves and they are always there. One day they stop running and begin to face the internal issues and the healing can then begin. But until then, it is a heck of a rollercoaster ride.

 

 


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Christmas Eve – 12/24/09

 

5:46 Cricket [Facilitator]: Merry Christmas all. I’m opening the room a little early as we are about to sit down for dinner (my sister & BIL and I). I wanted to be sure the room was open for everyone. I'll check back on & off as we finish dinner.

5:49 Cricket [Facilitator]: Merry Christmas all - I thought I'd open the room a little early as I was about to sit down for dinner with my Sis & BIL. I wanted to be sure the room was open for everyone & will check back I n a little bit. I am so thankful for all of you, for Jim and for the birthday of Jesus and all he represents.

5:52 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sorry all - my computer was acting up and it looked like what I wrote didn't work... I had to log out & come back in & saw I duplicated my thoughts.

5:56 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello everyone, Merry Christmas Eve

5:57 Yoli: Swanlake: Hi, I got on a little early. I’m leaving to go to mass and will miss most of tonight’s chat.

5:58 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Yoli - hope that Mass will touch your heart and provide you with peace and comfort.

5:59 Yoli: Swanlake, Cricket: I’m really struggling right now. Husbands b-day was on Tuesday. Both my daughters have been at his place 2 nights in a row. It seems he had a little party. He seems to be doing that now. I’m getting really tired. Last weekend

6:01 Yoli: Swanlake, Cricket: was tough. Daughter graduated and husband made it all about him. He took girlfriend even though he was told not to. Then he had his own celebration on Friday. I know daughters are caught in the middle but things are really tense.

6:01 Yoli: Swanlake, Cricket: Lots of fighting among girls. Older daughter has been very ugly about everything.

6:02 Yoli: Swanlake, Cricket: Sorry to be so negative right now. Maybe mass will give me peace and comfort. All I seem to do these days is cry.

6:02 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Yoli - unfortunately during MLC they make everything all about them regardless of good or bad, they for some reason have a need to be center stage and the focus.

6:02 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello Still and welcome

6:03 Still: Hello. This is my first time on this chat.

6:04 Yoli: Swanlake: I know they are complete egocentric but this is an extreme case.

6:05 Yoli: Swanlake: Sorry, need to go. I'll check when I get back to see if chat is still opened. Thanks.

6:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Yoli - they all seem to follow the same script and do so many of the same things, but there also seems to be a couple things they do to the extreme which can make it very hard for the family.

6:08 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - this is a special chat because of the holiday, we will be here for two hours, so others will pop in and out as desired. If there is anything encouragement and or support we can offer, please let us know. Many first time visitors, sometimes just read alone for a few times before they begin to share.

6:08 Still: I have been going through my H's MLC (at least this is what I believe it to be) since May 08. He still resides at home, we co-parent our twins9, and basically just share a household. We are civil, but emotionally estranged in the same house.

6:11 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - in some ways it is probably nice to have him home, but the emotional estrangement can really make things hard, especially when there are young children watching. At least you say he is co-parent, so many of them begin to pull away from the children too since they don't seem to handle responsibility very well and children are definitely a responsibility.

6:12 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - If you haven't search this site, I recommend that you do, there is a lot of helpful information here. Plus Jim and Sally's books have really given guidance to so many of us.

6:12 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello Pam, how are you tonight?

6:12 Still: He says he is here "only for the children". He says he no longer wants a relationship with me. He wants to be free of responsibility, free to do what he wants, and free to pursue what he wants. My heart just breaks. I have read Jim's book....

6:13 pam: Hi Swanlake doing ok. alone tonight and tomorrow and I guess feeling sorry for myself. Thought I would stop by and say hi.

6:13 Still: I found Jim's book to be an amazingly comforting book in this chaos that is my life. I just can't believe this is where I am at...in so many ways.

6:16 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: pam - I am alone this year too, have a couple invitations to dinner tomorrow, but if we get the snow they are predicting, I will most likely not go out in it. It has been raining all day and that could mean ice under the snow and I don't drive well on ice. I am actually enjoying the quiet, this is the first year that I haven't had to plan and cook dinner, field day clean the house, etc. It is kind of nice, much less stress!

6:16 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello helpme, how are you tonight lady?

6:17 pam: Swanlake I know what you mean. I haven't had to do anything either. It is nice not having all the work but I miss my family and the noise of my grandkids.

6:17 helpme: Swanlake; Hello. I’m ok...miss being with family but know will get to see grandbabies & H tomorrow so that helps some

6:17 pam: Hi helpme how are you.

6:17 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - if you haven't read Sally's book, definitely do, I found it more helpful than Jim's book. Her book is out of print right now (Jim is in the process of revising it, but it most likely won't be in print until summer), but Amazon still has used copies.

6:18 helpme: pam; Hello! Hanging in there...how are you?

6:18 pam: Helpme the same here. rough time of the year but getting by.

6:19 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - I talk to my son, daughter in law and grandson a little bit ago, I miss them, but loved talking with them. They are having a good holiday so far.

6:19 helpme: pam; Bless your heart, I think of you so often & say a prayer when I do

6:19 Still: I will try to locate it. I have read nearly ever book I can find on Midlife Crisis and participate daily on a forum. I am praying for a positive outcome in all of this, but it is just so hard to see how this will ever change.

6:19 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - is your husband going to pick you up and take you tomorrow?

6:20 pam: Helpme I think of you often also but have been so busy can't seem to get on much.

6:20 helpme: Swanlake; Yes, he will call in the morning he said & let me know when he'll pick me up....SO different from last year, hu?

6:21 pam: Helpme are things better between you and h? Is he still with ow.

6:21 Still: I think maybe I will bow out of this chat. I am very much in crisis and I don't want to change the atmosphere of this chat room.

6:22 pam: Still then you need to be here. Sometimes I only get by with these ladies help.

6:22 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - have you been to Rejoice Marriage Ministries, they don't really talk about MLC, but do help many who are separated, divorce, emotionally distant, etc. They have been remarried for over 20 years, both of them changed a lot while they were divorced. Covenant Keepers is another good place for marriage restoration information.

6:23 helpme: pam; Yes, things are better, yes there is still ow...but H comes by from time to time when he needs someone to listen, drives by & will blow horn & wave...even gave me his cell phone #...a lot has changed but know there is still a long way to go.

6:24 Still: Though my H lives here, he is not interested in reconciliation. He feels that we are headed for divorce. He is not interested in any marriage counseling or seminars. We did MC early on and it was disastrous. I feel like I am going this alone.

6:24 pam: Helpme hang in there. That is wonderful. I have not seen my h except from a distance in two years. We never talk.

6:24 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - don't leave for that reason, we have people who come here who are in many different stages and it never changes the mood. We all seem to come together really well to help those hurting the most and eventually, they find themselves helping others too. Please stay or come back. Jim is here on Monday's and you can ask him questions directly.

6:25 helpme: pam; There was a LONG space where I never saw or heard from my H either...

6:25 pam: Still, have you seen the movie fire proof?

6:26 Still: I have been hoping to participate in a chat with Jim. My H and I attend a Bible Study every Monday night (on relationships if you can believe that) and can't get back in time.

6:26 Still: I have seen Fireproof. I hosted a Movie Night at our church and that was the movie. It is a wonderful movie with so much hope.

6:27 pam: Still hang on to that hope. They are where you are now and God can change both of you.

6:28 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - many of us have spouses who are not interested in reconciliation, some are in process of divorce, some already divorced, others have married the other person and we have a few who have divorced, married the other person, divorced them and are now reconnecting with the spouse. Some who have reconciled - others who have spouses still at home and not reconciling, etc. Like I said, many different levels.

6:28 helpme: pam; H use to make fudge for Christmas for family, he stopped doing that when he left...now I make it so thought I would take him some tomorrow

6:29 pam: Helpme that will be a great memory reminder.

6:30 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - he gave you his cell, WOW! And he comes by when he needs someone to listen! Guess that means she doesn't and he is seeking you out because he knows your heart.

6:30 Still: Thanks, everyone. I just feel so saddened at where I am. I love my h beyond belief. He has always been the most kind, considerate, nurturing man. Now, I have a shell of that person who is looking for a new life. I pray for God to change his heart...

6:30 pam: Aunt is on phone have to go will try and get back.

6:33 helpme: Swanlake; Yes, I was shocked.... did not ask for his cell #, he just called me out of the blue & told me to write it down in case I ever needed to get a hold of him

6:34 helpme: Swanlake; That was about as shocking as him giving me the extra keys to his extra car...again, I did not ask him...

6:34 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - they seem to do a complete 180 in MLC, my husband was the most honest person I have ever known, even our children commented on how their dad was about lying, and now all he does is lie. He was a man of honor, integrity and complete loyalty, but somewhere he became a shell too. It is sad how much they change, but the good news is those who have come out of MLC are changed back and even better. Some of those here who have restored marriages say their spouses are so much more loving and their marriages are better than ever before. We both change during this and when it comes back together they say it is wonderful (after the bumps of reconciliation)

6:36 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - now won't it be a praise if your husband makes fudge and brings it tomorrow too!

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: All - Sorry I’m still having computer trouble.

6:37 Still: Swanlake, I pray this is true. I am afraid my H will throw us away before he gets to that point. He told me this weekend that he thinks of leaving all the time, but doesn't want to hurt the children. He says he has had only apathy for me for a year.

6:38 helpme: Swanlake; Yes it would..he has not made any since he left !

6:39 Still: We have been together over 20 years. I keep telling him that I think TIME is what we need to get through this. He is convinced that time doesn't matter and that his feelings have permanently changed.

6:42 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - It might feel like being thrown away when our spouses divorce us, but as we have seen several times, divorce doesn't mean the end, heck even if they marry another person, it isn't the end. As Jim says, it really isn't us they need to leave, they are running from their own emotional scars and even when and if they leave, the mess follows them, because they cannot out run themselves and they are always there. One day they stop running and begin to face the internal issues and the healing can then begin. But until then, it is a heck of a rollercoaster ride.

6:43 helpme: Still; My H told me the same thing...that he had only stayed the last year because of the kids, we had been married a little over 20 years also

6:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Swan is right. There are many in our group who have restored or working on restoration and ALL of their H's said NO WAY and no longer IN LOVE, etc etc... yet now restored.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helpme - God is truly doing mighty work in your H and your situation in general. PTL. I also think of and pray for your son a lot.

6:44 Still: Thanks for the encouragement. I really needed that tonight. I can't imagine not having my family intact. My H and I have always been so close and have raised our children to be kind, loving, and understanding. Values that he can't display towards me.

6:44 helpme: Cricket; Bless you : )

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes they convince themselves that the are no longer IN LOVE with us, they love us but not IN LOVE. They hit mlc and depression hits so they convince themselves we are the problem.

6:45 BETH2: Merry Christmas everyone.

6:46 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - the couple from Rejoice went through that, Bob told Charlyne many many times that he was never coming back, was in the middle of planning a wedding with the other person and didn't even know he was going home until the day he did it, he woke up drove several hours to tell her to get on with her life and somewhere during lunch he asked her to remarry him and they have been together every since. I think they are trying to convince themselves more than us.

6:46 helpme: BETH2; Merry Christmas : )

6:46 Still: Yes, I have been the PROBLEM for him. He doesn't see how his relationships with friends, family, and even colleagues is impacted by his new thought process. It is so frustrating.

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Generally they have unresolved issues that they have buried and eventually it all comes tumbling out for them. Thus MLC... things we learn from Jim and others here can really help us work through this. We can't tell our H's these things, all we can do is work on ourselves & ways we can grow & improve and not let our H's push our buttons to where we put up walls that make it more difficult later.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth - Good to see you, wow it's been a long time.

6:48 Still: Swanlake, that is a great story. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for things to change for my H. I have been working on myself in so many ways. I am stronger physically than I have been in my entire life. Emotionally, I am pretty depleted.

6:49 Still: I have read this last anywhere from 3-7 years. Is that your understanding, as well?

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - It is difficult but the Lord is bigger than all of this. Our job is to keep working on ourselves and have faith in Him. Don't push or pressure our H's, keep showing unconditional love as we grow.

6:50 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - the website for the Steinkamps is www.rejoiceministries.org, there is a lot of great marriage restoration information there. They and the site has helped so many of us here and often gives the encouragement we needed to make it one more day.

6:50 Still: Even though he says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, I can't take my wedding ring off. Is that normal?

6:50 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hey Plumcrazy - how are you tonight?

6:51 BETH2: cricket yes it has been a long time. When I retire I hope to get back at it again. I love my job but all 8-4 is not the greatest when there is such a time difference for me in chat.

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - The time frame can vary but yes that is a typical time frame. The quicker we learn and implement things Jim teaches, the better able we are to help our H's work through this without pushing him away.

6:52 faithfull: Still I have a friend who has been dealing with h for about 2 years. He file for divorce and was suppose to be final Dec. Well he begged her not to go thru the divorce. He did not want to loose his family. cont

6:52 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth - Yes Morwenna lives in England and there is a huge time difference for her. She hosts Saturday chats but comes in other time occasionally. We also have a member in South Africa.

6:52 faithfull: cont they are going to go thru a 4 week intensive marriage counseling.

6:52 Still: Cricket, are you talking about a specific book of Jim's or the Men in Midlife Crisis book?

6:52 BETH2: Still I believe most of us still wear our wedding ring. I believe it is normal plus it shows we are not looking for someone else.

6:53 Still: Faithfull, thank you for that story. Beth, I don't want to take it off....though he stopped wearing his months ago.

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Jim's book Men in Midlife Crisis is one of the thing that helped as did Sally's book but there is so much more that Jim teaches us in chat, at retreats that he provides each year. He has taught us so much that has helped many here.

6:55 BETH2: Cricket WOW South Africa. Getting up 5 morning I need to be in bed early. Also I don't sleep well some nights the past couple of months. I keep forgetting Saturdays . I really meant to help more.

6:55 Still: I will try my best to be at a Monday Chat. It is our Bible Study night (H and Myself). I have just been so comforted that my H still attends weekly Bible study and church. I believe it is the necessary connection he needs to turn this around

6:56 BETH2: Helpme how is things for you?

6:56 Still: Another difficult aspect in all this is that I have lost many friends. Friends who are too upset by my pain and the fact that I won't leave the situation, they have just backed out of my life so much. Has this happened to others?

6:56 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth - Yes the member from South Africa hasn't been to any chat except Saturday. Morwenna has come in other times a few times on nights she doesn't work the next day as otherwise chat is at something like 1 or 2 a.m.

6:56 BETH2: What is everyone doing for tomorrow? having family in or what.

6:57 BETH2: plumcrazy are you new here?

6:57 helpme: Swanlake; Did I tell you I will be going to H's Sunday for another Christmas dinner?

6:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth - I drove to my sister's & BIL and I’m here visiting them for Christmas. In the past, I met them at an RV Park where we cut tree and celebrated Christmas. It was so good to do something totally different.

6:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helpme - WOW the praises keep on coming.

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi - Plum - good to see you, how are things going with you & your H?

6:59 BETH2: I am having my sister , brother , his wife and 2 D's here for dinner. I need company so I won't think of my brother so much,

6:59 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - yes, many have family and friends who think we should just write off our spouses, take them for everything we can, make them pay and move on with our lives. They only see our pain and think the quick answer is goodbye, but it isn't and some of us have had to say goodbye to these friends, set boundaries with family, etc. We can appreciate their concern for us, but the bottom-line, we are the only ones left with the fall out of our choices and if we allow them to pressure us, we get the fallout for choices not ours, but that we allowed.

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth- No Plum has been here for a good part of the past year & joined us at retreat in October

7:00 Still: That makes sense, Swanlake. Thanks for your insight.

7:00 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - no I don't think I heard that you are going to his house on Sunday. Just family or will the other woman be there as well?

7:00 BETH2: That is good to hear about Plum. That she was at the retreat.

7:01 helpme: Swanlake; I 'think' she is planning on going to see her family that day if I understood it right

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan/Still - I have to admit that before walking this path, I might have told someone to toss the jerk out... I couldn't imagine enduring & being able to forgive all of this. But I have learned so much and now have understanding that I didn't have before.

7:01 Plumcrazy: Hello All sorry I was away from the keyboard throwing my shirt in the laundry I spilled grease on it

7:02 Still: Cricket, are you reconciling now?

7:02 BETH2: What swan is saying is very true @ 6:59.My family wasn't even there for me. My in laws were there more for me. After a while mom was a lot better.

7:03 helpme: Swanlake; But still...that fact that H ask that I would come....both tomorrow AND Sunday...wow

7:03 Plumcrazy: All-I really don’t know what is going on. I am feeling down

7:03 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - I have a very strong willed daughter and she is extremely vocal and even though she is much closer with her father, she does not like what he has done to me, but it also seems to make her angry that I haven't as she puts it moved on and found someone to treat me right. I finally had to stand firm and let her know that I love her very much, but the topic of her father and I needs to be off limits for now. She is respecting that after a few reminders. In fact, she has actually told me that she is proud of me, but it hurts her to see what is going on.

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Beth - Her H is home and still struggling but Plum is doing a great job & has grown & learned a great deal.

7:03 faithfull: Cricket @ 7:01 I know what you mean. When I use to hear you guys say two years I would tell myself no way, I cannot endure it. I am actually doing good and know that God is in control and have the peace of God.

7:04 BETH2: Plumcrazy it is normal to feel down at this time of the year.

7:04 Still: What do you mean two years, Faithfull? I am not sure what that is in reference to.

7:05 faithfull: Still sometimes it takes over two years for men to come thru MLC

7:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Cricket - I did tell someone to throw the jerk out and now regret that so much. What they say about not really understanding until you walk a mile in someone else shoes is so true. Once I had to walk this path and accepted Christ, my tone changed. God can and does touch and change our hearts.

7:06 Still: I had heard much longer. That is actually comforting. I believe his MLC started 5/08, though he says his feelings began a year or two prior. Maybe it will start to get better sooner.

7:06 BETH2: Faithful I don't know why but I felt if I could make it to two years my H would be back. It is best not to think about a time limit. they are not all alike.

7:07 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helpme - she seems to be doing a lot of that, going to spend time with her family leaving your husband at home alone or to be with you, the kids and grandbabies.

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: All - I’m having internet connection problems & keep getting kicked off. My family is ready to play some games do I will leave you all.

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helpme - Why don't you log in blue to help Swan - I’m kicked off again.

7:08 helpme: Cricket; Sure

7:09 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - Jim and many other experts on MLC say it can take between three to seven years, some longer.

7:09 faithfull: Beth @7:06 tha is so true. I just know that is in Gods time. I have learn and continue to leave it in Gods hands.

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helpme - I logged back in for a few minutes but doubt I'll be able to stay.

7:09 Still: I have enjoyed talking to all of you. I have to go and get ready for tomorrow morning. Thank you.

7:10 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - glad you came in, and please join us again.

7:10 Plumcrazy: Has it been so quiet since this special chat started?

7:10 Still: thanks, I will.

7:10 faithfull: All I do not thing people understand what we mean by standing. They think we sit around waiting for h to come back. I tell them that I am going on and h is welcome to join me when he is ready.

7:10 BETH2: Ladies I am going to go but I do have the times for the holidays written down so I am going to try my best to be online some of those times to help out. I know when I wasn't as far in this journey I was glad enough to have someone help me. So hopeful

7:11 BETH2: Cont'd Hopefully I will be back tomorrow. I do have both holidays off this year.

7:11 Plumcrazy: Beth2 _Goodnite and Merry Christmas

7:11 faithfull: Beth I am very thankful for this chat also.

7:11 BETH2: MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

7:12 faithfull: Merry Christmas Beth2

7:13 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - when people ask what you mean by standing, it refers to standing in the gap for our spouses and families. It is from Ezekiel 22 and there was nothing about just sitting around in that chapter, they were praying and protecting the open gaps of the city wall as they rebuilt it.

7:13 BETH2: All before I go my H bought a gift for our D to give me. It is a digital frame and d has lots of pictures put on it. I never expected that.

7:13 BETH2: Swan I like how you said that. Thanks.

7:14 faithfull: Thanks Swan I am going to read that chapter.

7:18 Plumcrazy: MAS_Hello

7:18 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - Charlyne at Rejoice Marriage Ministries does a lesson on standing in the gap, I love the way she explains it.

7:18 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello MAS, how are you tonight?

7:19 MAS: Hello everyone. How are you? I’m going to try and catch up for a minute. Just got off of prayer line with Joey and Lia.

7:20 Plumcrazy: MAS_How are they?

7:22 helping [Facilitator]: WOW!! Sorry, had a lot of trouble getting back in here!

7:23 helping [Facilitator]: Hello MAS, was hoping you would make it into chat tonight

7:25 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; Looks like Cricket had lots of internet trouble tonight

7:26 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helping - she did so she just signed off and is now playing board games with her family.

7:27 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; So you guys are suppose to have a white Christmas?

7:27 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helping - that is what they are saying, it will be cool, haven't had a white Christmas in many years.

7:28 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; We are suppose to have rain...

7:29 helping [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy; How are you doing?

7:29 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helping - we have been having rain all day, but the temps stayed up, but it has been dropping and is getting down pretty low, so I might just wake up to white.

7:29 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; I love a white Christmas

7:30 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helping - I have supplies, no place I really have to go, so I say let it snow.

7:30 Plumcrazy: Helping -I am ok. But feeling down. I messed up spent to much time cleaning house and then got stuck at Wal-Mart’s in long line and all our grocery stores closed

7:31 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: hello sbky - how are you this evening?

7:31 helping [Facilitator]: sbky; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

7:31 sbky: doing good. just got home from friends

7:32 Plumcrazy: Helping-We headed to Super Wal-Mart and there was a wreck and it closed We took a side street to go back home and found a Hispanic Market still open so got most of what we needed

7:32 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy - here we have super Wal-Mart’s, so luckily they are the grocery stores. One stop shopping.

7:32 Plumcrazy: SBKY_Hello

7:32 helping [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy; I don't think anyone could have paid me to be at Wal-Mart today...

7:33 Plumcrazy: All-I have been so tired this week. Just couldn’t make my self do grocery or other shopping

7:33 sbky: helpme I went for a just a minute.

7:33 helping [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy; PTL you found a store open!

7:35 Plumcrazy: Helping-That is what I said too! PTL

7:36 MAS: Plumcrazy: Joey and Lia are okay. Lia was a bit upset because her kids were with H and OW tonight, but they came back home during our prayer group, so she felt a little better about that.

7:36 helping [Facilitator]: sbky; I have a friend who likes to go at 5 in the morning...she says there are no lines and shelves are all stocked...I told she'd have to go without me....not a person to go shopping at 5 in the morning

7:37 sbky: helping. I am not going either at that time

7:37 MAS: Helping: You forgot to tell me your having dinner with you H on Sunday, also! Did that just come up?

7:38 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; No, have known about it, just forgot to say anything. I am just centered on Christmas Day I guess...getting to see my grandbabies plus H...

7:39 MAS: helping: That's wonderful, though.

7:39 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Youngest son has to work Christmas Day, we having his Christmas Sunday

7:39 sbky: helping that is so great. I will get to be with my h.. at his parents tomorrow. but we will just act like we have for the last 3 1/2 years and ignore each other..

7:40 MAS: helping: So, he won't be there tomorrow?

7:41 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Not youngest son, just dil, grandbabies then we're going to my mom's apartment for supper...will be long day

7:41 sbky: all I hate wrapping presents tonight. I get so tired I don’t care what they look like

7:41 Plumcrazy: Helping_I am so happy that you are getting to have this time with your H and family! PTL!!!!!

7:42 MAS: helping: Who else is going with you to your mother's? Not the OW, I hope. Are you getting along a little better with your mother these days?

7:43 helping [Facilitator]: I am Very grateful for all the Lord has done this past year...last year I never got to see H at all....almost the entire year

7:44 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - that is what bags and tissue are for - LOL!

7:44 MAS: helping: Seems like your H's heart is softening!

7:44 Plumcrazy: Swan-That’s what I was thinking too. I will probably go that route

7:44 sbky: swan I have a few but don’t seem to be the right size for anything..lol

7:45 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; The ow will probably be there tomorrow, but as I have told you, the Lord has Really helped me where ow is concerned....things have not only changed with my H, but within myself also...

7:46 MAS: helping: Yes, I know, and I’m happy for you.

7:46 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; Something I have noticed...ow does tend to leave town alot...find that odd??

7:46 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - well this year I got to avoid the wrapping ordeal - YEAH. I am one of those attention to detail, every corner squared, every seam straight kind of people, I used to take days to wrap gifts. This year I just had them shipped direct. I am kind of likely this stress free Christmas.

7:47 sbky: swan. .wow.. that might be cool

7:48 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; One day H took me to his place, ow was there & then left...who would have ever though...

7:50 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: helping - it appears all the "new" love has worn off and they are living very separate lives and your husband seems to be migrating back to his family.

7:51 sbky: all. are all men stupid about gifts or just my h. he is giving the kids gift cards. except for one present I texted him and told him son wanted

7:51 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; How are you doing tonight??

7:53 faithfull: sbky my h is acting like he has not kids. No presents or contact. Is like he is not around. I did sent him a picture of the kids

7:53 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - no they are all stupid about gifts and the sad thing is they think the gift card is the best answer because then you can get what you want. My husband got our daughter a gift card this year and she is rather upset with him about it, she said, that is what you get friends, co-workers, strangers, not your child.

7:54 sbky: faithful sorry to hear that. I am very blessed in this situation. I know when my h is right now and where he has been all evening.

7:54 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - my husband did that too for the first couple years, but then he reconnected with them and talks to them often now.

7:54 sbky: swan mine did better the last few years. but maybe his mom helped

7:55 faithfull: Swanlake: he does text to s26 but only him. I guess because he does not have to come thru me to talk to him.

7:56 faithfull: I can tell d12 feelings are hurt when s26 says he has been texting dad all day.

7:58 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - I didn't tell my daughter this, but I have a feeling the other woman may have purchased the gift card, my husband thinks they are tacky and from what the kids say he has been traveling with his job a lot lately, so he may not have had time and asked her to pick something up for him and she got a gift card. I am sure daughter will find out the truth tomorrow when she sees him, because she isn't the type to keep quiet about how impersonal it made her feel.

7:58 helping [Facilitator]: 'Heavenly Father, I ask that You wrap Your loving arms around each and every person here tonight. I Thank You, that when the storms of life blow, that You are our Rock that we can hold to. May You continue to watch over and keep Your might Hand upon our loved ones no matter where they are. Protect them and be there in the wee hours of the night in their lives. I ask also, Heavenly Father, that You watch over and protect our troops both at home and overseas. Encourage them, dear Lord, and bring them all safety home. May we never forget to give You praise for all that You have done. We give You all Praise, Honor And Golry, In the Name Of Jesus, Amen.'

7:58 Plumcrazy: AMEN

7:59 MAS: helping: I’m actually fairly calm and more at peace tonight...not quite sure why after what I found out about OW this week.

7:59 sbky: mas I actually got a little down tonight.. starting wondering if all the little things has had done is for other reasons than reconnecting

8:00 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - you don't allow your husband to speak to the children directly? How do they feel about that and that it means he won't call them? What a shame he doesn't just suck it up and do what is needed to speak to his children.

8:00 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Well, you know people are praying for you...

8:00 Plumcrazy: sbky-I am feeling down too

8:00 MAS: helping: Maybe it's also because people have been calling, e-mailing, praying for me etc...it really helps a lot.

8:00 faithfull: Swan he stopped coming around about a month ago.

8:01 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Just know you are never alone, the Lord is always right there with you & knows all that you're going through!

8:02 MAS: sbky: I’m so sorry to hear that. I understand how you feel.

8:02 sbky: mas but I just started thinking of all the good things God has in my life. that helped a lot

8:02 MAS: helping: Everyone has been so thoughtful and caring.

8:03 faithfull: sbky yes we have to stay positive and be thankful for what we do have.

8:03 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - ok, I can see how in his mind he doesn't come by because he would maybe see you, oh my what a horrible thing that would be, but he doesn't have to face you to call his daughter. Just shows the irrational thinking they live in.

8:04 faithfull: Swan even a text or card saying he is thinking of them. I was not around when he picked them up. They would go to my sisters or he would pick them up after school.

8:04 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; That's just the kind of people we are , we all care for one another & know what you're going through

8:04 MAS: sbky/faithfull: Yes, and like helping said, it is so good to know that we are in each other's prayers!

8:04 sbky: swan sometimes I just get down wondering if that irrational thinking will ever get better..

8:04 Plumcrazy: MAS-So true!

8:05 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: faithful - a lot of it has to do with his guilt feelings, their brains become mush and they just don't seem to have a straight thought.

8:05 faithfull: Swan I try to remember that and do not pressure him. I have left him alone and let God do the work.

8:05 MAS: All: Just knowing I have this chat room to come to helps tremendously. I am so grateful.

8:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - I haven't experienced it personally yet, however, other have and say that yes, they do think rationally again, but it seems to take a long time.

8:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: All it is time to close, we will be here again tomorrow for a special four hour chat, please join us to be encouraged and give encouragement.

8:07 helping [Facilitator]: Merry Christmas everyone! Wanted to say that before I leave...May The Lord Bless Each And Every One! In my prayers, good night

8:07 sbky: night all

8:07 MAS: Good night everyone. Merry Christmas.

8:08 faithfull: Goodnight and Merry Christmas

6:37 Still: Swanlake, I pray this is true. I am afraid my H will throw us away before he gets to that point. He told me this weekend that he thinks of leaving all the time, but doesn't want to hurt the children. He says he has had only apathy for me for a year.

6:42 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Still - It might feel like being thrown away when our spouses divorce us, but as we have seen several times, divorce doesn't mean the end, heck even if they marry another person, it isn't the end. As Jim says, it really isn't us they need to leave, they are running from their own emotional scars and even when and if they leave, the mess follows them, because they cannot out run themselves and they are always there. One day they stop running and begin to face the internal issues and the healing can then begin. But until then, it is a heck of a rollercoaster ride.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud