Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

New Year's Eve / Special Chat Session - 12/31/11

6:52 PM

Chapman

All My brother had something great that he shared with me... I was telling him how hard it was for me not to try to communicate with my H when he is in the tunnel.  I know I shouldn't initiate communication.  My brother told me to look at it through the filter of ... I am loving my H by NOT communicating.  That is a big help for me to think of it that way.  Not just that this is best, but it’s actually the most loving thing I can do when he is silent and isolated.

6:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman -  Your brother is on to something...It is true that we have to "love" our H differently during this time.  Sometimes less of something is important.  They must find their own way and our input is not needed.  We just want to "fix" them and that is not our job!  God must work on them.  I like to think that God has more time to work on them when I mind my own business.

 

 

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December 31, 2011 / Saturday 6-8 pm PST / Special New Year’s Eve Chat

6:01 PM

surety

Good evening all! May God bless each of you with many new blessings and memories in the New and upcoming year!!

6:05 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, welcome to New Year's Eve Special Chat.  As this year draws to an end, may we all thank the Lord for the blessings He did give us and may we rejoice in the trials that He will bring us through.

6:06 PM

surety

Hi there.... how have you been

6:07 PM

Swan

surety - Doing good, how about yourself?

6:08 PM

Swan

Hello dogwood, welcome

6:09 PM

surety

Swan I am good, boy is it a real chore to learn to live your life for God.   I was reading, I think Girl Friends in God, about learning to dance.  How we think we know how to dance better so we try to lead.   I thought it was a great analogy, to trust God enough and let Him lead through our walk.

6:10 PM

dogwood

Swan all Hi everyone, good New Year's Eve!

6:10 PM

surety

dogwood it’s great to see you tonight.

6:14 PM

dogwood

surety same here.  I am thankful to be at my son's house.  although they do not do anything special with 3 very young kids in the house. I have the peace here much better than being home alone where h would not spend the holiday with me, rather, he will go to his friends instead, that usually make me feel sad.  I thank God for having peace here tonight.

6:14 PM

Swan

surety - give more information on what you are referring to in our walk.

6:15 PM

surety

dog wood it unfortunately part of the journey.  Mine still doesn’t want me to come visit.   We live apart, far apart.

6:21 PM

dogwood

all did anyone participated the earlier session today?  I hope everyone is doing well.

6:21 PM

surety

the article was about a couple learning ballroom dancing.   The woman kept getting reprimanded by the instructor to let her h lead.   Naturally she was better, and thought she should lead.  Like our walk many times we think we can ask God along for the dance (walk) but expect Him to follow, it isn't until we let God lead, that we find the path He has, like you've talk about living life forward, and one day God will catch our h up.   I think it was God's way of reminding me like each of you do to work on me, live life forward and not live my life on hold waiting for my h.  (my h made that comment)  It really made me take a step back and look to see if he is making that comment however true it is or not, possibly I am not letting God lead me where he wants to be going for now in my life.   I have many times wondered if my h was too hard to change, but God seems to remind me nothing is too big for Him

6:22 PM

Swan

surety - great insight, must be an awesome book, I will have to look into it.

6:23 PM

Swan

Hello onmyown2, welcome to MLD.  We're here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or names. Now, here's how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person(s) you want to speak to before your entry. 2) If you post an entry before you're done, then start your next entry with the name followed by "continued". 3) Use the words "To All"  for a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you'd like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We'll have them contact you to exchange information. Feel free to just watch, or join right in. Some of us have known each other for many years and may be talking about fun stuff, but we're here to help and encourage you, so don't feel like you're interrupting. If you don't get to see some of the replies to your questions, then check the archives at www.midlife.com later.

6:24 PM

dogwood

surety what is the name of the book?

6:24 PM

hepsy

omg I am so depressed I just hate myself...

6:24 PM

surety

I was an article the Girl Friends in God devotion

6:24 PM

hepsy

I am in a terrible pit... just terrible...

6:24 PM

hepsy

swan... I just can’t do this anymore

6:24 PM

dogwood

hepsy Hi dear friend.  I am so glad to see you here tonight. have not seen you in Chat for a while... 

6:25 PM

surety

hepsy I am so sorry to hear that.....

6:25 PM

hepsy

dogwood - not in a good place right now...

6:25 PM

hepsy

dogwood -I am sitting here alone in this big house... I just don't know why...

6:25 PM

dogwood

hepsy what is going on tonight?  are you alone? do you have any plan tomorrow?  is your work starting again on Tuesday?

6:26 PM

surety

I will send to each of you when I find it!!

6:26 PM

surety

all my kids are all here to watch a movie with me.....

6:27 PM

hepsy

dogwood - I have been standing for my marriage... for 4 years... and no change... only worse... I am tired of doing this...tired and broken...

6:27 PM

dogwood

hepsy what is going on with your h?  can you go to someone's house for a party?

6:27 PM

Swan

hepsy - That has to be your choice, you only do what you can do, some people come to an end of waiting for their spouse, they give up and move on, some have regrets, others still say they don't, it is a choice only you can make with God's guidance.  I am sorry for your pain; hopefully we can offer you some encouragement and support.

6:27 PM

dogwood

hepsy I understand... my dear friend... it is very hard during holidays...

6:28 PM

surety

hepsy I have been standing that long too.   I just know that one day God will change his heart.  It is a hard journey, and we all have to do what we feel strong enough and led to do with our marriage

6:28 PM

dogwood

hepsy are your children back home for holidays?  are they around?

6:29 PM

onmyown2

hi all - new to the site. just checking it out. My wife and I are on the verge of divorce. Long history of problems that have come to a head recently and I do not want to work on it (our marriage). Read Jim Conway’s Men in Midlife Crisis that led me here. Just kind of numb right now as I just went through a tough week of telling our kids and my family we are getting a divorce.

6:30 PM

dogwood

onmyown2 Are you initiate the D or your wife?

6:30 PM

hepsy

surety... he isn't going to change... he looks at me with hatred... he is angry that he feels trapped - supporting me because I can't financially support myself....I appreciate all of the encouragement and support.. but I just don't see this ending up the way I wish it would be...

6:31 PM

Swan

onmyown2 - That is a hard place to be, I am so sorry you are at this place in your marriage.  If I may ask, how does your wife feel about working on the marriage?  How old are your kids?  Even with adult children that is not a talk desired, hard either way.

6:32 PM

dogwood

hepsy If you stop standing, what would you do differently?

6:34 PM

hepsy

dogwood - become a nun...

6:34 PM

Swan

onmyown2 - We do have other men who come into chat, not any here right now, but hopefully you will continue to come and connect with some of them.  David Alan is one of the men who has gone through midlife crisis himself and is a valued well of information in helping us to understand.  Bill who is here most Monday evenings has also been through MLC, also a great source on information.  Jim doesn't come very often anymore but his books are so great and have helped many of us so much.

6:34 PM

surety

hepsy I do understand and I can feel for you... This is a hard journey especially when they continually spew their anger on us, and when they feel obligated.  I am sorry you in such a bad place.  

6:34 PM

onmyown2

dogwood - I am. I have no love for her. Big problem is I don't believe I ever did. Got married due to a pregnancy and got caught up in the party aspect of the wedding. Sex before marriage sucks you in. We've been married 24 yrs. 3 kids total. Been divorced before with same wife within the first 4 years. Came back for the kids and due to financial reasons. Last one went off to college this august. When we came back, it suddenly hit me that I have been living a lie and staying due to the kids. Thing went drastically downhill quickly from there.

6:37 PM

onmyown2

swan - my wife wants to continue to try. kids are 24, 21, and 19. Been to counselors, but all they do is agree with you. I emailed Lisa Kahan asking if she can find someone in my area that subscribes to the MLC philosophy.

6:37 PM

dogwood

hepsy you are kidding, aren’t you?  I understand, sometimes, I also wish that there is a place I can go to live there with other people around, without feeling lonely, but closer to God as well.  Hey, by the way, I just found out there are places of residential community (Christian) that takes people with issues to resolve, -- one year program without charge. like healing center.  unfortunately, it is targeting young folks 18-35. 

6:39 PM

Swan

onmyown2 - have you heard back from Lisa?  I know she is really being pulled in many directions during this time, if she hasn't gotten back with you, she will soon.

6:40 PM

dogwood

onmyown2 Hi you sounded like my h in certain comments!  except we did not have pre-marital s...

6:41 PM

surety

my granddaughter just put my computer to sleep then my 8 month old grandson bit the computer cord.   I am not sure how long I will be on with all this help

6:43 PM

dogwood

onmyown2 did you read Jim's book of Men in midlife crisis?  if you had a chance to talk with Jim (ask Lisa about it), he would fully understand your (men's) perspectives. 

6:45 PM

dumbfounded2

ownmyown2 -Please consider reading Men in midlife crisis by Jim Conway.  You will really be glad you did and you have nothing to lose by reading it and a lot to gain.  You wouldn’t be here if you were sure you wanted to be somewhere else in your life.

6:46 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 I believe he said he did read Jim's book, he's gone now, and that is what lead him to come to this site

6:47 PM

buttons

Hi chapman

6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons:  I just got on and I think he could use some encouragement and it probably took a lot to even sign on.  Just hope he comes back.

6:47 PM

Chapman

All Hey everyone.  Happy New Year!

6:47 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 agreed, he did read the book from what I read... I was back reading when he left

6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman - Hi!  Happy New Year!  The fireworks are going off all over my neighborhood!  My Son finished all of his in 30 minutes! LOL

6:48 PM

hepsy

dogwood... I am so sad... I fell on xmas eve. and hurt myself very bad... my h contacted a lawyer prior... and tonight I am sitting here alone... in a empty house... and I am so sad I just can’t stand it...

6:48 PM

buttons

Chapman to you too!  dumbfounded2 is it the New Year there yet? got another 5, nearly hours here and H has gone to bed sigh

6:49 PM

buttons

hepsy (hug)

6:49 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - New Year is 3 1/2 hours away here.  I am in deep south!

6:50 PM

Chapman

buttons dumbfounded2   Thanks!

6:50 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 ah... so a bit ahead of me, I'm in west

6:50 PM

hepsy

thx buttons... I don't think my situation is any worse than anyone here... I am just hurting terribly today... some days are ok... but today is just awful... and I can’t stop crying...

6:51 PM

dumbfounded2

hepsy:  Sorry you are having a rough day.  Anything in particular happen to bring you down or is it just a day when the toll seems really high?

6:51 PM

buttons

hepsy I get it, I am feeling all restless and pent up, my emotions have been in turmoil for over a week because H has twice talked about D again and leaving again

6:51 PM

buttons

swan nice to see you back tonight, how long until new year for you?

6:52 PM

hepsy

dumbfounded2 - just everything getting to me today... feel like more than I can deal with...

6:52 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - Hold out hope because talk is usually just that "talk".  Wait until you see actions before launching into a panic.  Stay calm, confident you are doing what is right and this will help with your emotions staying in the right place.

6:52 PM

Chapman

All My brother had something great that he shared with me... I was telling him how hard it was for me not to try to communicate with my H when he is in the tunnel.  I know I shouldn't initiate communication.  My brother told me to look at it through the filter of ... I am loving my H by NOT communicating.  That is a big help for me to think of it that way.  Not just that this is best, but it’s actually the most loving thing I can do when he is silent and isolated.

6:53 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 you are right, I've been there before but sometimes the talk did end up with him leaving, and then returning injured and talking to someone online, etc... so frustrating

6:53 PM

surety

dumbfounded2 kids and their fireworks.   My son loves his fireworks too!!!

6:53 PM

dumbfounded2

hepsy  - I think the holidays are tough for all of us in this room.  We just have to know we are all in it together and let God handle our spouses.

6:54 PM

Swan

buttons - I am in the Midwest so I have 2 hours, 7 minutes.

6:54 PM

dogwood

hepsy Let's pray that your h will not seek for any legal actions... Is he still home?  is there anyone you can talk to or any place you can go to instead of home alone tonight?

6:54 PM

buttons

Chapman that's a good way of thinking about it... so hard to do but a good thing to keep in mind!

6:55 PM

dumbfounded2

surety  My son(11) just came in from doing fireworks and he has more.  He has built a double shooter firework from a stick and (2) paper toilet holders.  I can hardly type for laughing.  He is a genius and so creative.  We are going to try it out in a while.

6:55 PM

buttons

Swan so not too long, it feels too long away for me, I may just crawl into bed at some point... but which bed? the way I feel  right now it might just be sleeping where I am... ah well

6:56 PM

Chapman

buttons @54  Yes.  I think keeping that in mind will help.  So very hard this journey is -

6:56 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 my H has a store overseas where anyone can buy fireworks and the girl running the store has had to buy three or four orders of fireworks in the last week

6:57 PM

Swan

buttons - We have fireworks places here in Missouri and you can buy them year round.

6:57 PM

dogwood

dumbfounded2 agree with your comment

6:57 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - I guess people are doing that instead of going out spending money.  It is less expensive and something everyone enjoys doing at home.

6:57 PM

buttons

Chapman definitely but it's the same when we deal with our children, sometimes what we do is hard but we need to do it because they can't grow and learn without it... a GF of mine said that she watched how her children's friends treated them, how clear and firm and how respectful they were in return so started doing the same wow...

6:58 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 amen... God hears our prayers and their cries for comfort... may He reach out and touch them and give them the comfort and peace they need tonight

6:58 PM

Chapman

buttons you are right

6:59 PM

buttons

swan dumbfounded2 we are ONLY allowed to buy fireworks around Halloween, oh and maybe July 1 but that's it and it is very regulated.... it seems so odd when my H says that the girl at his store is selling tons to anyone!

6:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman -  Your brother is on to something...It is true that we have to "love" our H differently during this time.  Sometimes less of something is important.  They must find their own way and our input is not needed.  We just want to "fix" them and that is not our job!  God must work on them.  I like to think that God has more time to work on them when I mind my own business.

7:00 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 Very wise

7:00 PM

Swan

buttons - maybe the fines if he gets caught are less than the profit they are getting from selling them!

7:00 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 true enough and we don't get in the way either because God knows what he's doing

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman -  Yes, I am a WISE, OLD BIRD! LOL -  Sounds good anyway! Don’t know if I can practice what I preach though.

7:00 PM

buttons

Swan it's in Philippines so I don't think there is much of that regulation stuff there

7:01 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 always easier said than done!!!

7:01 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 I have to be careful that I don't look back at the many mistakes I made before I realized MLC was going on (the crying, begging, etc)  and beat myself up.  Even knowing about MLC, I still can goof up!

7:01 PM

Swan

buttons - got ya, understand and agree probably not much regulation.

7:01 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons  - Stuff is always easier to talk about than to implement

7:02 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 exactly

7:02 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 I will sometimes worry that if I had done it better at the beginning of MLC, he might have come home.  But I can't think that way!  Serves no good purpose -

7:03 PM

buttons

Swan I know that there isn't really any regulations around opening the store and where and such but when it comes to buying land and such there are tons, along with overseas people doing some things

7:04 PM

dumbfounded2

chapman -  Yes, I did the same stuff.  Gosh, when I think about my demands, begging, trying to negotiate...it is a wonder we are even speaking.. I am sure he thought I was as nutty as a fruitcake!  I even think that in hindsight.  Geez!  I don't think it would have mattered if we had won the jillion dollar lottery and turned into supermodels,  they were destined to go on this MLC ride.  Our reactions do play a part, but I think more so when they begin the stage of awakening to reality.  so maybe we are OK.

7:04 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 That is encouraging!  Thanks.......

7:04 PM

Swan

buttons - Which is why I am going to guess that his "girls" are selling the fireworks, they are locals?  As long as people are having fun and no one gets hurt, what the heck.

7:05 PM

buttons

Swan exactly... they are locals

7:05 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman  -  The only think I can think of that our reactions at the beginning probably did was to create more guilt and make them want to run further away.  Consistent behavior from us is key now.

7:05 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 True

7:07 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - If a man in MLC thinks he may actually lose his spouse and children, what type of emotion does it usually bring about from him?

7:07 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 agreed, I think that is true all along, I think that is part of what my H is reacting to now, although I am more calm and such I have been touchy, also I have been doing most of the running to deliver papers and I think H MIGHT feel badly about that too

7:09 PM

Chapman

Swan   My H is communicating with our adult children, but is in the tunnel with me.  Does that happen often? 

7:09 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - depends on the place the MLCer is at and if they think it is being used as a threat to force them to behave the way the spouse wants.  Some it is an eye opener for them and the reality causes them to seek counseling and reconcile the marriage, others it caused them to run faster and harder because they believed they were being manipulated which only confirmed what they already thought about their spouse. 

7:09 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - deliver papers?  There is no doubt if your H is like mine that he is holding onto an unbelievable amount of guilt and shame.  My H has recently told me he didn’t come see the boys or me on Christmas Day because he didn't "Feel right and was ashamed, embarrassed and felt guilt".  Then he launched into a 20 minute conversation about how he is not treated fairly at work. (THE EVIL WORKPLACE)

7:10 PM

Swan

Chapman - Yes, in fact typically they begin to reconnect with children, family and friends they disconnected with long before they even consider reconnecting with us.

7:11 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan -  My H is in a depressed place filled with shame and guilt, but he is also one to "wallow" and not take action..I just wondered if it was time for me to withdraw a bit so that maybe he would be more motivated to confront his issues.

7:11 PM

Chapman

Swan My H has not reconnected with any of our friends.  He has totally ignored any of their attempts to contact him.  He has told me they were just "my friends anyway" and not his. 

7:13 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - depends on what you mean by withdraw, are you doing many things for him, explaining his internal feelings to him, or just available to him all the time?  Often leaving them to themselves does cause them to face the issues, but also don't put too many expectations on that, it takes some longer and some fill that void with other things such as more work, drinking, new friends, etc.  The line we walk is very fine and a balancing act to say the least.

7:14 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 along with teaching H and I started doing papers when he wasn't able to do an actual job because of injuries, at least he could fold and drive and I did the running, then he started doing his share, but now that he's got full-time job his injuries are haunting him and he isn't into doing much of the running to deliver (it's a car route but to get to a house sometimes it means travelling on foot)

7:14 PM

Swan

Chapman - He just isn't in that place yet, praise the Lord for the reconnection he is having with his children and don't expect anything else at this point.

7:15 PM

Chapman

Swan My H never totally disconnected from children.  He just seems to communicate with them more now

7:15 PM

Swan

Chapman - that is a good thing that he never totally disconnected and that he is connecting more.

7:16 PM

Chapman

Swan Yes it is.  I just hope that one day, he isn't satisfied with just a relationship with the children, but that he will want to reconnect with me.

7:16 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - No I do not explain anything to him about how he feels..I do say I understand when he tells me things..He knows I have been doing a lot of reading about MLC and he read Men in Midlife and said he thought it was written about him.  I do things for him (drop food off in his truck at work, notes sometimes, invite him to son's games) and I have always answered his text and/or calls immediately.  Except, once when my phone was out of order for 3 days and he become very upset thinking I was avoiding his calls and he cried and said he had never stopped loving me.  He has been in more contact since that time.  I remained calm and explained and seems more receptive.  I just wondered if that kind of brought him out of his "fog" for a bit.

7:18 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 it might have

7:19 PM

Chapman

Swan I am thinking that before long, my H is really going to file.  He has filled out some separation papers that have not been signed by either one of us at this point.  I am wondering what my response should be if I hear again........"I am planning to file for divorce."  What would you recommend I say?

7:19 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman - Be thankful for your children's sake.  My H seems so ashamed of his actions that he never initiates contact with kids unless I encourage it.  I question his actions, but try to understand that he is not trying to hurt anyone

7:19 PM

buttons

Swan I heard from WTG4GD the other day and she shared some wonderful reconnecting information with me, I have asked her if I can share it with the ESG but haven't heard back yet

7:20 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 Wow.....all of this is such a tightrope walk.

7:20 PM

buttons

dogwood how are you doing? Is it New Years for you now?

7:21 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman - I think you should wait until he takes action. Until then look at it as his attempt to see where you stand.  Be consistent and tell him that is not what you want, but if he feels that is what he has to have, he needs to make sure everything is in order and you will have your attorney look it over when he gets it all together.

7:21 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - I wouldn't say to not answer him at all, but maybe not snapping to every time he calls or texts, leave the invitations to kids thinks for them to invite him to, does he live at home, if not let him get his own food (that might be considered kind of like mothering him, in many MLC minds).  The not answering might have had a reaction on him, but without knowing him personally it is hard to say if it is a temporary reaction or bringing him out of the fog.

7:22 PM

dogwood

buttons No, not yet. doing okay since I am away from home visiting my son and grandkids.  otherwise, I would have been alone at home.  Thank God for this arrangement

7:24 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - Thanks, and I probably am "mothering" when I leave food for him because I know he eats junk and drinks beer to cope.  I have always done too much for him, but I did it all out of love for him.  He has always worked very hard for our family and I know he appreciates my cooking.  He rents a room and does not have an oven so my "fix it" mentality has been kicking in.  It is hard to walk the line from being caring and being detached.  I guess I need to detach more.

7:25 PM

Swan

Chapman - What are your intentions, if he files will you get a lawyer and ensure you and your children (if there are minor children) are protected or will just sign and face the outcome?  If he brings it up again and you plan to seek legal assistance, let him know you will need to discuss any actions with your lawyer before you agree to or sign anything, if you are going to just sign you may let him know that you don't want the divorce, but will sign for him, just be ready for him to push through either way to get a divorce.  Sometimes they need it because they have convinced themselves that being free is the only way to be happy again.

7:26 PM

Swan

buttons - she could always come in or send an email and share herself too.  Glad things are wonderful.

7:26 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman -  Yes, but remember the divorce is just a piece of paper and cannot severe the memories or connection that you have shared.  Just make sure you let him know that is not what you would like, but you intend on protecting yourself for the future also.

7:27 PM

Chapman

Swan Thanks...I have already seen an atty and taken him the papers my H has drawn up........we are just on hold waiting to see what H does next.  I guess I am just wondering what my words should be to my H if he tells me again that he is going to file.  Should I just say "You know this is not what I want but I  know I can't prevent it from happening if you choose it?"

7:30 PM

buttons

ALL my GF shared with me that God was protecting her and her H the other day, they were travelling home over a very icy mountain and a semi coming the other way lost control, he H noticed in time and just managed to avoid being hit... truck crashed into barrier just behind them

7:30 PM

buttons

Swan you are right, we'll see

7:31 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - We had another chat member here before who used to cook meals and leave them for her husband, they lived in the same house but different floors.  One day their son asked her why she was cooking for his dad, didn't she realize that he throws it in the trash as soon as he sees it in the frig.  She asked her husband and he told her if he wanted someone to cook for him, he would visit his mother more often.  She stopped, she also stopped snooping in his area when he wasn't home.  It took about three years after that, but with the more she worked on herself, he noticed and they did reconcile, been back together 4 years now.  He later told her that he needed to know he could have space for himself, that he wanted her to have space for herself, he wanted them to be able to be together yet not all the time and even though he felt bonded to her, he didn't want to be tied to her.

7:32 PM

buttons

dogwood glad to hear that you have someone to be with during the holidays! God is good and does provide... praise him for all small steps

7:34 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - Good story.  I know my H does not throw my cooking away.  In fact, when he visited twice last week, he came in and immediately picked up a plate and joined the boys and me for dinner.  He ate like a starved animal both days and asked if I minded if he had leftovers for work. But I am going to stop taking food to him.  If he wants me to fix him something, he will need to ask in the future.  I am working on me and creating my own space. (new friends, daily exercise)  This feels good and has given me time to concentrate on my needs.

7:35 PM

Swan

Chapman - make your statements about you, not him.  You cannot tell him what he knows because he will be the first to tell you that you don't have any idea what he knows or wants, that is what a MLCer believes.  Let him know that you do not want a divorce, your desire is to work on the marriage, however, since it takes both of you to agree for that to happen, you can only react to his actions.

7:35 PM

buttons

Swan @:31 how interesting and insightful! we think we are doing something wonderful but really we are overdoing, I need to look at that, esp. now that H is now working full-time and that money is going to his businesses

7:35 PM

buttons

hi love25 I don't believe we've met

7:36 PM

Chapman

Swan Thanks

7:36 PM

dogwood

Swan @31  thanks for sharing this story.  it sounded like my h; although he did not throw what I cooked to the trash, he did not eat them.  this makes me feel sad; but I had to get over with this, and let him do whatever he wants

7:37 PM

Chapman

All Happy New Year and blessings!  I am going to sign out.  I appreciate everyone's help and encouragement tonight.

7:37 PM

buttons

Happy New you to you too Chapman

7:37 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman - Happy New Year!

7:37 PM

Chapman

buttons Thanks!

7:37 PM

dogwood

Chapman Happy New Year

7:37 PM

buttons

Chapman hehehe glad you got that

7:37 PM

Chapman

dumbfounded2 dogwood buttons Thanks you!

7:39 PM

dumbfounded2

To ALL  - Hope you all have a great 2012!  I am hoping and praying for wonderful things to happen in my life and the lives of all those that I love.  I am sending up a big prayer for all that struggle with this "beast" called MLC.  Good night to all!

7:39 PM

buttons

all Ugh, just hung around our S's ferret and now I am going to pay for it

7:39 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 good night and God's blessing to you for the year too

7:41 PM

buttons

dogwood how much longer for you until the new year?

7:41 PM

buttons

swan just over an hour and a bit for you I guess?

7:42 PM

Swan

buttons - 2 hours 19 minutes

7:42 PM

buttons

swan oh, oops I lost track it hasn't been as long as I thought it's been since you told me last :)

7:43 PM

dogwood

buttons about 1 hour and `10 minutes from where I am now;  remember that I am travelling and not at my own "home".

7:43 PM

buttons

dogwood right, would it have been at home?

7:44 PM

dogwood

buttons No, would be even much later (3 more hours later) - 4 hours till midnight

7:44 PM

buttons

swan it is wonderful of you to be here for people both this afternoon and tonight

7:45 PM

buttons

dogwood ah, like me then 4 and a bit

7:46 PM

Swan

buttons - I can still remember those first months and years so vividly and being able to come into chat was sometimes a treasure for me, so I just want to be able to pay it forward and give the same opportunity for others.

7:46 PM

buttons

both I am feeling so restless, for most years past we've at least spent it next door with friends or with other friends, now H isn't even up.... our D and her BF are home but their place is icky (she lives in basement) and I would just end up cleaning

7:46 PM

dogwood

buttons yes, Happy New Year! Let's pray that we see God's special blessing and His redemptive works in our marriages

7:46 PM

buttons

swan how wonderful, I totally understand that I hope that one day I can find the time to do the same... right now I do my best when I can

7:47 PM

buttons

dogwood that's for sure... God is good and does work to care for us, let us give him praise for whatever he presents us with, big or small...

7:48 PM

Swan

Amen ladies, let us give Him praise

7:48 PM

dogwood

buttons Yes,

7:48 PM

dogwood

all good night.  Happy New Year 2012!!

7:48 PM

buttons

dogwood knowing that God protected my GF twice over the last year from major car accidents provides me with cause to stop and think and remember--- once it was a nasty looking accident but all of them were safe

7:49 PM

buttons

good night dogwood happy new year

7:49 PM

buttons

hello faithful nice to see you

7:49 PM

Swan

Hello faithful - welcome

7:49 PM

buttons

how are you tonight faithful ?

7:49 PM

faithful

Hello I was not aware of the special chat.

7:49 PM

buttons

how much longer to the new year for you faithful

7:50 PM

buttons

faithful glad you came in for even a short bit of it

7:50 PM

faithful

Buttons I am doing ok.  H just left had supper with us and then went home.  Sad to see him leave.

7:50 PM

faithful

buttons about 2 hours for the new years.

7:50 PM

buttons

faithful glad he spent time with you though

7:50 PM

Swan

faithful - sorry, we talked about it in chat, had it posted and the site and sent out an email, well at least you are here now.

7:50 PM

buttons

faithful 4 hours here

7:51 PM

faithful

buttons yes I am glad for that just he appears sad tonight and he is not feeling well but will not go see the doctor.

7:51 PM

buttons

Swan I didn't get the e-mail about it... I knew because I happened to see it mentioned in chat one day

7:51 PM

faithful

Swan I have been busy and have not check my email until just a few minutes ago.

7:51 PM

buttons

faithful men can be so stubborn that way, although I will admit that I can be that way sometimes too... think they are invincible-- I don't just too many other things to deal with

7:52 PM

faithful

buttons when all this happen I did not go either and could care less.  then I realize I had to stay healthy for my kids.  They needed their mama.

7:53 PM

buttons

faithful I think my H has another hernia but he won't listen when doctor is mentioned, even gained weight although his activity rate has increased and his food intact has gone down/is healthier for the most part

7:54 PM

buttons

faithful you are right, for me it is my students, our 'kids' aren't so young and needing me but I don't want them to have to take care of me either

7:54 PM

faithful

buttons my h had a heart stent about four years ago and he has not bother taking his medication or even following with his heart doctor.  He is looking old and worn out. 

7:55 PM

buttons

BOTH I feel like I am back near the beginning again, those restless feeling of needing to go out and walk, to get away from __???__ ??? whatever

7:55 PM

faithful

buttons and Swan I can see why men do not live long when they do not a wife to nag them.  They do not take care of themselves.  H just said he eats one meal a day and is probably hot pockets or viennna sausages.  How good is that.

7:56 PM

buttons

faithful sorry to hear, they truly don't like to admit they are getting older and need to do things to take care of themselves... I know other people like that too... they feel they are weak if they are "sick"

7:56 PM

faithful

buttons those feelings come and go and I am not sure if we ever will get to the point where it really does not bother us.

7:57 PM

faithful

All I still feel such sadness and at times just want to sit and cry but tears will not come just determination to go on and make the most of my life.

7:57 PM

buttons

faithful yup... our S lives with us and I see him not eating much, it is hard because I am trying to back off the mothering and have him learn to take care of himself... I let him know if there's food cooked for him

7:58 PM

buttons

faithful good for you, I still have tears sometimes, esp. the last two weeks... guess it doesn't help when H brings up D again and leaving again

7:58 PM

faithful

buttons is so hard not to be a mother no matter what age they are.  My son and his wife live with me and is hard not to be a mother hen.

7:59 PM

faithful

buttons no it does not help.  My h has drop the d issues and is not planning on filing for now.  Not sure what he wants.

7:59 PM

buttons

faithful understood... our D and her BF live downstairs and I have found it much easier to not mother with that arrangement but S is in the same space... admittedly I will go pick D up from work or whatever

8:00 PM

buttons

faithful that's just it, they drop it and then nothing, my H even threw out the whole our marriage has been dead for 2 years now thing two days before Christmas, then I'd been visiting a friend earlier in the week and she shared that my H had told her H that we weren't being intimate (what !?!?!... so am I just some toy?)

8:01 PM

Swan

Ladies - I taught my children to cook and when they lived at home as young adults, if they were there when I fixed dinner, they ate with us, if not, they made their own when they got home.  I just didn't have time to run a short order kitchen.  My daughter in law is thankful that my son can cook, they switch off nights of who cooks at their home. 

8:01 PM

faithful

buttons that is the problem my kids have a problem with their father because they feel I am too easy with him and just let him come over and then he lives like nothing.  We are just friend so he says.

8:01 PM

buttons

swan faithful I guess that's what lends to my feeling restless tonight, lately... rgh

8:02 PM

faithful

Swan that is what I do with my son, if there is enough he is welcome and if not they cook for themselves.  I also taught my son how to cook and I am glad I did.  Girls now a day do not know how to cook.

8:02 PM

buttons

Swan our D knows how to cook and our S can do it if he wants to, I didn't directly teach either of them but also didn't allow them to not know how to figure it out either... I remember my Bro phoning me one day asking how to make a can of soup!!! I was floored! Hehehe

8:03 PM

Swan

Actually, I am told my son in law cooks too, in their house it is whoever gets home from work first starts dinner.

8:03 PM

faithful

buttons it use to bother and it still does but I try not to let satan control my thoughts and know I am doing what God wants me to do and that is to be nice to h and show him Jesus.  At times is not hard.

8:04 PM

faithful

buttons yes many kids do not know how to cook and is sad all they eat is fast food.  I am teaching my d14 how to cook and she is enjoying it.

8:04 PM

faithful

I meant at times is hard.

8:04 PM

buttons

swan when H was away our D and I took turns cooking dinner, when she was off she made dinner or did most of the prep, we prepped together when we were both working, tried to always have food ready to eat for both spaces.... S usually fends for himself!!!! I am done with all that with him, he complained to his Sis that we never had anything good in the house (he'd eat it all if we did anyway so I hide it now)

8:05 PM

buttons

faithful I try to not let it bother me but right now I am "catching up" on tons of lost sleep and when that happens I crave more and more and that is when I get touchy/emotional

8:05 PM

buttons

BOTH my H is actually quite a good cook and I can tell you I miss him being home and having dinner ready!

8:06 PM

Swan

buttons - My husband did something similar after he separated from me, called me in the middle of the night and said he was tired of eating fried eggs (the only thing he said he knew how to cook) and wanted to know how to make something.  I held my laughs and told him how, then let him know the directions should be on the can for future similar meals.  Maybe I shouldn't have told him the directions were on the can, but I didn't appreciate being waken up at 2 in the morning to be asked how to heat something up.

8:07 PM

buttons

Swan  HAHAHA... yeah, that would not have gone well with me either! my Bro was not yet married, was on his own and it made me giggle... where was his common sense?

8:07 PM

faithful

Swan my h will call me and gripe about his work or something going on with him.  I just want to say why don't you talk to your facebook friends. 

8:07 PM

buttons

faithful thanks for your words of reminding... I hate breaks because my body gets to remember what a GOOD amount of sleep means and it causes me to end up in spirals... Ugh!!!

8:08 PM

Swan

buttons - As sad as this is I remember thinking (didn't say it) he should call her and ask her how to cook it.  Later I realized it was nice that he thought of me instead of her. 

8:08 PM

buttons

Swan true enough... we are still the one steadfast thing in their lives and they know it.... they just don't always show it!!! well hardly ever show it right now!

8:09 PM

faithful

buttons that is true because I had the week of Christmas off, only work one day and it sure played with my emotions.  Felt like I was going back into depression. 

8:09 PM

buttons

swan faithful I noticed the time and figure I should wish you both a HAPPY NEW Year!!! May God continue to bless us and grow us in the new year

8:10 PM

faithful

all I have to go.  Promise my kids I will play wii with them.  God bless and hope we have a better New Year.  Happy New Year to the both of you!!!!!!!!!

8:10 PM

buttons

Faithful yup, I get two weeks off but still do papers, so instead of papers, a bit more sleep and teaching all day, followed by a few hours at the corner store the odd time I just did papers this holiday with two days at the corner store and my body is in shock!!!!

8:10 PM

buttons

might faithful!

8:10 PM

Swan

buttons - Oh, this is how messed up their minds are:  my husband actually called my daughter and asked her if she knew how to cook something I always made special for him, when she said she didn't, he asked her to call me and get the recipe, but not tell me it was for him.  She called, told me it was for him, I gave it to her and when he printed the recipe out for the other woman she refused to cook it for him, so he asked daughter if she would and he made the trip to visit her and her husband for a weekend. 

8:11 PM

Swan

Goodnight all, please join us again tomorrow evening for more encouragement and support

8:11 PM

buttons

Swan oh my word! that is too funny... their minds really are messed up aren't they!

8:11 PM

buttons

swan glad that your D got to spend time with him though...

8:11 PM

Swan

buttons - But there was nothing good about his time with me!!!

8:12 PM

Swan

buttons - He is connected with our children now, talk, text, visit all the time.

8:12 PM

buttons

swan of course not, we are the stone that weighs them down, holds them back

8:13 PM

buttons

swan at least there is that, H lives in the house and doesn't do a lot of talking/connecting with our children, even though he assured him they would when he got back this last time--- mind he did come back hurt... when will he learn?

8:13 PM

buttons

swan I should let you go, go have some fun... going to have a quiet night? I may have a bubble bath (after cleaning tub that is...)

8:13 PM

Swan

buttons - it took a while, he disconnected from them for a time I am just glad they are reconnected now.

8:14 PM

Swan

Night  All

8:14 PM

buttons

Swan definitely.... I feel like my H will connect with me first then them

8:14 PM

buttons

Night take care of yourself and thanks again for being here

6:52 PM

Chapman

All My brother had something great that he shared with me... I was telling him how hard it was for me not to try to communicate with my H when he is in the tunnel.  I know I shouldn't initiate communication.  My brother told me to look at it through the filter of ... I am loving my H by NOT communicating.  That is a big help for me to think of it that way.  Not just that this is best, but it’s actually the most loving thing I can do when he is silent and isolated.

6:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Chapman -  Your brother is on to something...It is true that we have to "love" our H differently during this time.  Sometimes less of something is important.  They must find their own way and our input is not needed.  We just want to "fix" them and that is not our job!  God must work on them.  I like to think that God has more time to work on them when I mind my own business.

 

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud