Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

Valentine’s Day Party Chat - 2/14/12

5:41 PM

Almost 29years

For anyone who can answer...When your hubby leaves and wants a divorce and is planning on marrying the OW after only 3 months, what do you do?

5:50 PM

digforhelp

Almost 29years - stay close to the Lord. not much you can do to change your husband. believe me I have tried changing my wife several times. it don't work. Only God can change the heart and that's what He has promised to do. but you need to focus on yourself and let God work on you.

 

photo credit: © Dreamzdesigner | Dreamstime.comFor a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at http://love-wise.com/product.php or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20


Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

Feb. 14, 2012 / 5-7 pm PST / Special Valentine’s Day Party Chat

5:01 PM

Bluesky

Welcome everyone. Looks like our chat room has been dressed up a bit for the night!

5:03 PM

bg2012walk

If you could see me. I am in my pj's.

5:05 PM

bg2012walk

Where is everyone?

5:06 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk Hi, how are you?

5:06 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, welcome

5:07 PM

bg2012walk

I am fine. Glad to be here.

5:07 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk hahaha, so am I. Whenever I can

5:07 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk it may take a while to have people in tonight as this is not a regular night for chat.

5:08 PM

Swan

All - Lisa has offered a special treat for everyone who comes in tonight, you can select an avatar by clicking on the two masks icon on the bar just above the text box.

5:08 PM

bg2012walk

The first Valentine Day after my D everyone in my office were receiving roses. I felt sad until the florist delivered beautiful arrangements of spring cut flowers to me. It was from the first man I loved-- My Dad.

5:09 PM

Swan

You can also select a different text color by clicking on the painter’s palette.

5:09 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk that is very nice. Yes, it is difficult but remembers your husband right now is our Lord.

5:10 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk have you shared your story before?

5:11 PM

bg2012walk

Briefly on another chat time. Seems to be the same as everyone else.

5:11 PM

Bluesky

Swan, what’s up with you?

5:11 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk yes, the enemy isn't very original is he?

5:12 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Not much, trying to stay warm. We had snow yesterday and supposed to get more tonight/tomorrow.

5:12 PM

bg2012walk

No but God has been so good to me.

5:12 PM

Bluesky

Swan oh boy; I guess I shouldn't complain that I couldn't get warm out on my walk yesterday?

5:13 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk glad to hear it. He is a Good God.

5:13 PM

Swan

Welcome digforhelp - how are you tonight?

5:14 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk be sure to put the name at the beginning of your message so we know you are talking to. If you click on the red name it will appear in the text box. Then just start typing and it will alert the person you are speaking to. Thanks

5:14 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp, welcome tonight

5:14 PM

digforhelp

hi Swan and Bluesky

5:14 PM

Swan

For our new guests - All - Lisa has offered a special treat for everyone who comes in tonight, you can select an avatar by clicking on the two masks icon on the bar just above the text box.

5:14 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I look back and know God was there. I was a stay at home mom, never worked and now have a great job.

5:14 PM

digforhelp

hello bg2012walk

5:15 PM

bg2012walk

digforhelp Hi

5:15 PM

Bluesky

Swan my kitty brought me flowers this morning, really. He pulled them out of a vase that I have next to the TV and dragged them to my bed. I will have to send a pic. Too cute.

5:15 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk that gives me hope, I am a SAHM too and never worked.

5:15 PM

Swan

Bluesky - That is too cute! Kitty didn't eat any of them did he?

5:16 PM

Bluesky

Swan not these, they are fake!!

5:16 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky It was scary at first and I was very depressed when I started working. God has a plan though.

5:16 PM

Swan

Bluesky - good, but still how adorable and see he knew you needed a special gift from him today.

5:16 PM

Bluesky

Swan he has eaten other fake ones until they are to the stem, they are his favorite toys.

5:17 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk I am glad you pulled thru. What are doing?

5:17 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I finished my degree in accounting and work as an accountant.

5:17 PM

digforhelp

Swan Bluesky my wife received the flowers I sent her. called me and thanked me. she said I made her day. and she remembers how I made all her past valentine days special. I was shocked. and she told me she loved me. I wanted to ask her out. but felt like I would be pushing it.

5:17 PM

Bluesky

Swan I know. But he has been rather fickle the rest of the day. LOL can't seem to get comfortable in his napping.

5:18 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk kudos to you. You must be very proud and busy right now.

5:18 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I work now at a company and not as busy.

5:18 PM

Swan

Bluesky - that's just the cat in him, they love you to death one minute and then you don't see them for hours.

5:18 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp that is such wonderful news! You must be on cloud 9. Good for you for not pushing. Yeah.

5:19 PM

bg2012walk

Digforhelp My daughter's boss just d and he did not pursue his xw. They are back together now.

5:19 PM

Swan

digforhelp - It was nice that she responded positively and it was probably a smart move not to push it by asking her out. It showed you love and are thinking of her, while still giving her the respect of her own space.

5:19 PM

Bluesky

Swan very funny, I am waiting for a video from a friend of a cat flushing the toilet over and over. I will repost when I get it.

5:20 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk thanks for sharing a restored marriage.

5:20 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk - that's good news. I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I'm praying!!

5:21 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I was so excited that my daughter was able to share with her boss what to do and what not to do.

5:21 PM

Swan

Hello mas - how are you tonight?

5:22 PM

digforhelp

Bluesky Swan - yes. it's a wonderful praise!! now what? should she make the next move? nothing for valentines but I wasn't expecting anything. I'm just happy she liked the flowers and it made her day. but would like to build on this in some way.

5:22 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk that is wonderful. There is a reason for your pain, you have already ministered to another.

5:22 PM

digforhelp

nice colors

5:23 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp be patient. Listen to God.

5:23 PM

Bluesky

mas, welcome tonight.

5:23 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I know. I love to hear when couples reconcile.

5:23 PM

digforhelp

Bluesky patience. something God is working in me. got to live it.

5:24 PM

bg2012walk

Digforhelp I will pray for you. Most men let their pride get in the way for reconciling but I can tell you will be fine.

5:25 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp there you go.

5:25 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk thank-you! pride is always lurking. thank God for abundant Grace and Forgiveness.

5:26 PM

mas

Hi everyone! Happy Valentine's Day. I love the colors and graphics!

5:26 PM

Swan

digforhelp - Don't read too much into her acceptance of the flowers, she called, she thanked you and remembered Valentine's Days past, leave it at that. Unfortunately part of the MLC thinking is that they do not want to give us false hope, so don't get any and certainly don't show her that you might have some at this point. She might not make the next move right away. If she doesn't and you feel led to make another move, I would give it some time so you do not appear overly pressing.

5:27 PM

Swan

mas - We are having a Valentine's Day party in chat tonight, join in, change your color by using the paint pallet, and get an avatar by using the two mask icon.

5:28 PM

Bluesky

Swan well we now know yellow is a no no color

5:28 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Yeah I saw that, yellow is not a good readable color is it?

5:28 PM

mas

Swan Great! I haven't been to a party in awhile!

5:29 PM

digforhelp

Swan - ok. that's why I tried not to say too much when she called. I only responded to what she said. she brought up the past valentines and she brought up that she realized now how much I loved her. but that's as far as she went. whatever plans she had for tonight she did not change them. But I know God is working. His love will not let her go!!

5:29 PM

digforhelp

Happy Valentine's Day mas

5:30 PM

mas

digforhelp Hey there! Glad to hear about your wife's positive response.

5:30 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp but her 'memory stick' is working, that is good news.

5:30 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp go back to the green

5:30 PM

Swan

digforhelp - The fact that the flowers reminded her of the good times of past Valentine's Days is a big plus and no matter what she is doing tonight, those thoughts and fresh feelings are with her.

5:31 PM

digforhelp

Bluesky yea I agree.

5:31 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp lol

5:31 PM

mas

bg2012walk Hi. I don't think we've met before.

5:31 PM

bg2012walk

Mas Hi.

5:32 PM

mas

Bluesky So funny about your kitty!

5:32 PM

Bluesky

Swan do you have a lot of experience driving in the snow.

5:32 PM

Bluesky

mas he is funny. I will send out a photo later showing it.

5:32 PM

Swan

All - for the avatars, you can scroll down for more

5:33 PM

digforhelp

mas - I was feeling really down today. praying and putting her into God hands. AGAIN!! then she called. last year she fussed me out for giving her flowers and gave them to her mother. this year was a big difference. God is working.

5:33 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk that is very funny!! Thanks for the laugh, not stupid at all. I panicked once when I was dimming my background and turned it off completely and then forgot how I did it. Thought it was broken.

5:33 PM

mas

digforhelp That's wonderful! I haven't heard from my H at all...Of course, I didn't expect to.

5:34 PM

mas

bg2012walk What is your situation?

5:35 PM

Bluesky

mas I heard from my kids and that was what was important to me.

5:35 PM

mas

That was nice too.

5:35 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk got it.

5:35 PM

Swan

Welcome Almost29years

5:36 PM

digforhelp

mas Bluesky -   our children's do make things better. And God's love is really what sustains us through all this.

5:36 PM

bg2012walk

Mas My h and I are d. I don't like that word. He is with a non covenant person.

5:36 PM

Bluesky

digforhelp yes, thank goodness.

5:36 PM

digforhelp

cool!!! love Winnie the pooh

5:36 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29 years, hi and welcome, hope you are well tonight.

5:37 PM

mas

bg2012walk Try to think of it as HIS divorce, not yours.

5:37 PM

bg2012walk

Mas good idea

5:37 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk that is right.

5:37 PM

Almost 29years

Hello Swan

5:37 PM

Almost 29years

I am doing OK for now :)

5:38 PM

mas

bg2012walk I have a friend who never refers to herself as d...She says she is "unmarried."

5:38 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years that’s great, sometimes a little at a time is all we can do.

5:38 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky, you are so right

5:38 PM

bg2012walk

mas "unmarried" The Lord is my husband.

5:39 PM

mas

Bluesky That was for you at 35.

5:39 PM

Bluesky

mas ok

5:40 PM

bg2012walk

mas we must like cats

5:40 PM

mas

bg2012walk Yes, we must! There are many of us here who love our cats.

5:41 PM

mas

bg2012walk How many do you have?

5:41 PM

bg2012walk

mas I have 4 and 2 neighborhood strays that I feed. Also 1 dog.

5:41 PM

digforhelp

I like cats to but now have two dogs.

5:41 PM

Almost 29years

For anyone who can answer...When your hubby leaves and wants a divorce and is planning on marrying the OW after only 3 months, what do you do?

5:42 PM

Swan

bg2012walk - It does seem many of you picked the cat avatar, so cute

5:42 PM

mas

bg2012walk We have had cats ever since our d was born...A few dogs as well.

5:42 PM

bg2012walk

mas My house is near woods and I am always having stray kittens appear. I get them fix and find a good home for them.

5:43 PM

bg2012walk

digforhelp What type of dogs

5:43 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years keep praying and realize it is a non covenant marriage.

5:43 PM

mas

bg2012walk That's wonderful. I'm thinking of fostering one.

5:43 PM

bg2012walk

All if you get sad just find an animal to pet.

5:44 PM

bg2012walk

All and read the Bible

5:44 PM

Swan

Almost 29years - Sadly there isn't much you can do to stop it from happening. For me, I got involved with something’s outside of my home and work, a Bible study group, volunteering with a Christian organization, read my Bible a lot, found this place, made plans with a few close friends and made myself do something like that at least once a week.

5:44 PM

mas

bg2012walk Yes, mine has been my little buddy throughout all of this...my one constant companion.

5:44 PM

Swan

Hey Kmkrn - welcome

5:44 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk a miniature dashound and a yorkie

5:44 PM

Kmkrn

Hi Everyone!

5:44 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky, I definitely am praying   and do realize it is non covenant!

5:45 PM

Swan

Hi Dumbfounded

5:45 PM

mas

Kmkrn Hi, how are you?

5:45 PM

mas

bg2012walk How long were you married? Do you have children?

5:45 PM

Kmkrn

mas - Very good thanks--how about yourself?

5:46 PM

dumbfounded2

To All - Hi everyone

5:46 PM

Bluesky

Kmkrn hey, nice to see you,

5:46 PM

Swan

For our new guests - Lisa has offered a special treat for everyone who comes in tonight, you can select an avatar by clicking on the two masks icon on the bar just above the text box. You can also change your text color by selecting the paint pallet

5:46 PM

mas

Kmkrn I'm doing okay...Hanging in there.

5:46 PM

Almost 29years

Swan, I have a fabulous group of Friends and Family that keep me busy and I am so thankful for. DID your H or W get married to another?

5:46 PM

bg2012walk

mas I was married 18 years and I have 3 children and now 2 grandchildren

5:46 PM

dumbfounded2

Almost 29 years - Who your H is in a real hurry to get on with what he "thinks" will make him deliriously happy.

5:46 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years you are way ahead then.

5:46 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 good evening.

5:47 PM

mas

bg2012walk Do they live nearby?

5:47 PM

bg2012walk

mas My 2 daughters do but son in another state. We have a good relationship.

5:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - Good evening. Any wise words of advice for me today. It is my 22nd anniversary and not a peep from my H. Is there truth in the saying "No news is good news with a man in a tunnel". He made a good bit of contact in Dec and early Jan., then Poof!

5:48 PM

mas

bg2012walk That's so important.

5:48 PM

Bluesky

Swan, I started to ask earlier, do you have much experience driving in the snow, or do you just avoid it?

5:48 PM

Kmkrn

mas - You are better than OK--you are great!

5:48 PM

Almost 29years

dumbound2 He has hooked up with a co worker before she got transferred to another building   within the same Company.

5:48 PM

Swan

Almost 29years - He is married to the other woman, they have filed divorce three times since they got married, but each time they withdrew it and are still together - for now.

5:49 PM

mas

Kmkrn Okay, if you say so! LOL

5:49 PM

Swan

Bluesky - I can do it, but mostly I avoid it if possible

5:49 PM

Kmkrn

mas - I'm not the only one--the Bible tells you so too! :)

5:49 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 well first Happy Anniversary. Wise words.......hmmmm sounds like he is definitely in the tunnel but that is to be expected. I can't remember who says it here, might be Morwenna, He isn't done cooking yet.

5:50 PM

mas

Swan Really...how happy can they be?

5:50 PM

bg2012walk

Swan I thought my H was happy with OW found out later she is an alcoholic

5:51 PM

digforhelp

Almost 29years - stay close to the Lord. not much you can do to change your husband. believe me I have tried changing my wife several times. it don't work. Only God can change the heart and that's what He has promised to do. but you need to focus on yourself and let God work on you.

5:51 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk it’s like a mirage, it is usually 2 sick people seeking each other out saying how happy they are.

5:51 PM

dumbfounded2

Almost29years - I have being going thru this for 1 1/2 years and have had plenty of time to read and study MLC. I do not have OW that I am aware of to get over, but I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter one way or the other.   The H are so mixed up any relationship they think they have is a mirage and is only a temporary solution to a serious problem that only THEY can solve. The hardest thing in the world to do is to let go and realize YOU CAN NOT HELP THEM. Help yourself be the best you possible and pray, pray, pray every day. When you are down, pull out the books, bible, and chat room.

5:51 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky That is true.

5:51 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - I love it. He is "not done cooking". New way to think about it.

5:52 PM

Swan

mas - I am guessing they are not very happy. My husband called me one night a few years back, we talked for almost three hours and during the call he told me that he is miserable every second of every day. My children say he isn't happy, they worry about him, he travels for work a lot so they don't have to be around each other, etc. It is very very sad, but the choice he made and until he is ready to draw close to God and humble himself, it is what it is.

5:53 PM

mas

bg2012walk I wonder what makes them all stay with the OW?

5:53 PM

bg2012walk

mas She is younger and they can have "fun" together. No children or stress.

5:53 PM

Swan

bg2012walk - Self- medication is very common with people involved in adultery, mid-life crisis, high stress, etc.

5:53 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky, dumfound or Swan.   I'll kind of copy dumbfounded2’s question. H wanted to come by our house this week to start figuring how to split our 'stuff'. the only day I had available was today but yesterday when I talked to him I was too emotional and told him I needed more time before we started that. then I thought maybe I should have let him come over just to see if he would have gotten me some flowers or something. Figured it was wishful thinking. should I just have let him come over??

5:55 PM

bg2012walk

Swan I did not know that. H never drank . He drinks now.

  mas

Swan It makes no sense as to why he would stay with her...But then, how much sense do any of them make while they are in the midst of MLC?

5:55 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 I am impressed we used the same word...mirage... at the same time.

5:55 PM

Almost 29years

Then you digforhelp :, I must remember that I definitely need some work, too :)

5:56 PM

mas

bg2012walk Yes, of course...and no responsibilities. Just fun.

5:56 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - I hope that is what I am living in "a mirage" and this is all a big, fat, dream!

5:56 PM

Swan

mas - I figure it is because he cannot live with having hurt so many people, ripped two families apart and then what was the basis for all the pain and destruction is a failure, pride keeps him there and then there is that he feels he deserves to be punished.

5:57 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years not necessary, you set a boundary and put yourself first. I think you did fine. You don't have to be on his 'schedule' at all.

5:57 PM

bg2012walk

Swan I do believe it is his pride. I was told he was getting a divorce but then heard they went to a Christian retreat to heal.

5:58 PM

dumbfounded2

bg2012walk - My H only drank a beer once a year usually in July when it was hot and he was in the pool. Now he drinks everyday like a fish...apparently this is a coping device so that they can numb their emotional pain and guilt over their current behavior. They seem to want anything on earth other than dealing with their emotions.

5:58 PM

Almost 29years

Dumbfounded2, Thank you for letting me know that this is their crisis that only they can solve , It is so hard to let go... Did they know they are MLC ? My denied it when I said he was in MLC

5:58 PM

Bluesky

Swan bg2012walk do you think pride and stubbornness are related?

5:59 PM

bg2012walk

Bluesky I will let Swan answer that. Don't know.

6:00 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years yes, and no, and they don't like to hear from us what we think or know it is. They think we are just trying to fix them and that they are the problem.

6:00 PM

bg2012walk

bluesky I saw my H for the first time in years and he still acted angry at me.

6:00 PM

Almost 29years

Thank s Bluesky :)

6:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Almost29years - I had more success when I detached from my H and faked lighthearted, busy life that I am living without him. It is hard as heck, but he was more responsive than when I cried and was sad. This only made him want to run farther away. Men are very visual and it is all about what they see. They are not emotional like we are and don't like all that feeling stuff. I just acted like it was any other day and he was missing out on our fantastic life here at home with our boys. It did seem to help him see that maybe he may have a problem other than "me"!

6:00 PM

mas

Swan If he is, in fact, too proud or stubborn to leave, that must mean he at least realizes what he has done and the pain that he has caused. I don't know that my H is aware of it.

6:01 PM

Swan

bg2012walk - Oh some of them really dive into being a Christian when they are separating and will even go out of the way to have a church wedding. It helps them to believe that in spite of what the Bible says, they have God's blessing in their choices. Mine did and the other woman went around telling anyone who would listen what a great Christian she was, funny thing after a couple years, neither of them has stepping into a church.

6:01 PM

bg2012walk

Swan Same here my H had a big wedding. It was a terrible day for me.

6:01 PM

Cricket

Sorry all - I forgot that this chat was starting earlier.   Happy Valentine’s Day to all of our sweethearts here.

6:01 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Related - they are the same thing! Prideful people are very stubborn.

6:02 PM

mas

Hi Cricket

6:02 PM

Cricket

Hi MAS - We have missed you lately. Hope you are okay?

6:02 PM

Almost 29years

Thanks dumbfounded2 that really helps. My emotions are starting to settle a bit so now I have a bit more control over them.

6:02 PM

mas

Cricket And I've missed you!

6:03 PM

Swan

Bluesky - @58 - answer?

6:03 PM

Bluesky

Cricket hiya, good to see you. Is your fundraiser over?

6:03 PM

digforhelp

Almost 29years I would slow the process down and go at my pace. don't let him pressure you into a speedy divorce.   here is something for you. "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful." Jer 31:3,4

6:03 PM

mas

Cricket I've been around...have actually been wondering where YOU'VE been lately.

6:03 PM

Cricket

Dumfounded2 - It is very typical for mlcrs to try to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, buying new toys, spending money foolishly... anything to escape their turmoil.

6:04 PM

digforhelp

hello Cricket and happy valentine’s day to you.

6:04 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years that is good to hear.

6:04 PM

dumbfounded2

Almost29years- Lord, no they don't know they are in MLC and if you suggest it your are "making up stuff" because you are the problem. You and work, co-workers, family ...if everyone else would just get off his back, then he would be fine. After my H seemed to be getting past the anger and mentioned that he didn’t understand why he was so angry with me, I gave him a copy of Jim Conway's "Men in Midlife". I asked him to just glance through it for me and our kids. No promises, just see if it may help him sort out some stuff.   He told me a month or so later that it sounds like it was written for him. No other talk though. Men have a hard time thinking something is "wrong" with them and most will not talk to anyone about it, after all they are MEN

6:05 PM

bg2012walk

digforhelp that was good advice about the speedy divorce.   My H did that also but God restored everything he took away.

6:05 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk PTL!! God is so good. And He always meets our deepest needs.

6:06 PM

Cricket

Almost29years - They don't admit they are in mlc because that would mean that they couldn't chase their fantasy. They look for things to blame their turmoil on.   They will pick at little things that we do for justification for their emotions. The worst thing we can do is try to point out they are in mlc or try to fix them.   The more we do this or try to help, the more they dig their heels in and insist it's us. IT also comes across as us being judgmental. All we can do is look at areas in ourselves that we can grow and work on ourselves.

6:06 PM

Swan

mas - My husband is a pretty proud man, always has been. I watched his mother disown her children and grandchildren whenever they did something that wasn't "her" way.   She did it to my husband a few times, the last time he let her have her way and didn't do the usual beg his way back into her graces. Since then I watched him throw away his parents, siblings, friends, our daughter for a time and now me. He regretted not being in contact with his parents after they passed, has connected and disconnected with his siblings, has a good relationship with our kids, and I am still thrown away. But it is all in God's hands and there are times it appears He is getting through to my husband a little, but then my husband will shake it off and run back into this tunnel to hide.

6:06 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk BUT, I really miss my wife and after a year and 3 months of being apart it still hurts.

6:06 PM

Cricket

Almost29years - Dr. Jim Conway asks us the following: how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?  

6:07 PM

Almost 29years

digforhelp Thanks   for the advise, I guess I just figured he would want it speedy so that's what would happen. Thanks for the scripture, too it brings tears to my eyes :)

6:08 PM

bg2012walk

digforhelp I miss my H also. I pray for him every night.

6:08 PM

Cricket

mas - I was working on a huge fundraiser, that one I work on once a year at this time. The event was last Saturday night but prior to that, I'd been working on the event pretty much nonstop, not sleeping much or even eating. The good thing is that I lost about 10 lbs in the past several weeks. Actually lost more than I wanted to, but things will be getting back to normal.

6:08 PM

digforhelp

bg2012walk - me too.

6:09 PM

Almost 29years

dumbfounded2   I was looking at Men in Midlife online last night and decided to give it to H but wasn't sure when the time is right.

6:10 PM

mas

Swan It's such a shame that they can't realize that after the Lord, there's nothing more important than family and relationships.

6:10 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket..Thanks :)

6:11 PM

mas

digforhelp It still hurts after 5 years. I don't think the pain ever really goes away...It just becomes less intense.

6:11 PM

bg2012walk

All The area I have trouble in now is my h is turning back to the children and grandchildren. I have trouble with being jealous when they are with him.

6:11 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - It is not a good idea to give your H the book Men in Midlife Crisis. They tend to resent us pointing at them as having a problem. My H actually found the book on his own, it was totally a God thing. He bought the book, read it and at first said it was like it was written about him. Later he said he was not in MLC and that this was just my excuse to avoid facing the truth about our issues. Years later, he picked the book up again and admitted the OW was his mlc mistake.   They have to want help for anything to work and if we push, they run harder.

6:12 PM

mas

Cricket I was going to say...You didn't need to lose weight. You're perfectly fine the way you are. I do hope you can now start eating better and getting more sleep.

6:12 PM

dumbfounded2

almost29years- You have to be careful, but if he is bringing up Divorce talk, you could go along with him and stay calm. Tell him that you understand what he is saying, but that you would like him to consider reading this book. That you love him and want to help and if after reading it, he still feels the same way you will understand that too. Tell him you have known him a long time and feel like this book could possibly help him work through things that maybe you can't understand. Hey, I think it is worth a try if he is pushing things so fast. Also, you can stall and delay the divorce and tell him that you need time. Ask him why the big hurry now? You are not in a rush to end a relationship that you have been in for so many years so quickly without a lot of thought.

6:13 PM

Swan

mas - the other woman left her first husband for her second husband, leaving her two sons with him so she could start her new life.   She left her second husband for my husband, again leaving her third son with his father so she could start her new life. At least when she leaves my husband for her fourth husband, there won't be any children to leave with him. She is looking for the happiness high and gets it for a short time, then lives in suffering until someone else comes along who can give her what she wants and demands. I actually feel sorry for her, she professes to be an extremely godly woman, yet, doesn't seem to know God enough for Him to grant her peace and contentment.

6:13 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket   to be honest   about the 3 things Jim Conway says.   I do not have a problem w/ 1. or 2.       number 3. may be part of it. I am not working right now but am looking for a job. I quit my job w/ H's approval last summer intending on starting work again after the holidays.

6:13 PM

Cricket

bg2012walk - Many of these mlcrs avoid their kids and even shut them out of their lives. It can be very damaging for the kids. It really is helpful for them to be connected to the kids, it helps them stay connected to us. Try to think of this as a good thing that he is turning back to kids and grandkids as this keeps him connected to you as well

6:14 PM

digforhelp

mas yeah! I told my pastor that it seems to be getting harder. But I'm only a little over a year into this.

6:14 PM

Swan

bg2012walk - my husband did that for a period, I believe it was shame. It took a while, but they have reconciled and have a good relationship now.

6:14 PM

mas

bg2012walk I was that way for the past 4 years since my d wasn't speaking to me and she and my H were extremely close. It really hurt a lot and I was very jealous, especially when my d spent time with the OW. Now the tables are turned and we are slowly healing our relationship.

6:14 PM

dumbfounded2

bg2012walk - somewhere I read that they will connect with kids and family before they ever reconnect with left behind spouse.

6:15 PM

bg2012walk

Cricket my granddaughter told me when she is with him she mentions my name all the time.

6:15 PM

Almost 29years

dumbfounded2     I think he might be receptive to me giving him the book with the approach you suggest. :)

6:15 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - Not all of these things apply to all of us.   For me, my H complained that I was too nurturing. I also tended to be a fixer, wanting to help. I have really worked on letting go and not fixing things or helping if I'm not asked. Learning to ask if my help is wanted first. I did see areas that I needed to work on but that doesn't mean it is our fault. We can't fix them all we can do is work on ourselves. I really know that I have grown tremendously during this journey and accomplished things I would never have done except for the journey. I know that my h has noticed these things and even told a mutual friend that I'd grown way more than he had.

6:16 PM

bg2012walk

mas I am sorry my S cut me off for 3 years. But we are fine now.

6:16 PM

digforhelp

good night everyone.

6:17 PM

Cricket

Good night digforhelp - Good to see you.

6:18 PM

mas

Swan She and my H's OW must be related...She is also unable to stay married to one man permanently.

6:18 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Do you have any information on why the MLC man would cut his kids out of his life or shut them out? I wondered if any man had every answered that on chat. I have read that it could be due to guilt and shame that they do not connect with kids even though they say the whole problem is the LBS.

6:18 PM

bg2012walk

Dumbfounded2 Good question.

6:20 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - The thing to keep in mind is that they have to want help before anything or anyone can help. My H & I went to counseling but all that my H did was point out reasons he was unhappy with me. I later realized that he did this to tell himself he'd tried and justify later leaving me and filing for divorce.   He admitted that I had really grown & made changes in most everything he'd mentioned but he then said it was too late. Remember he bought the book, Men in MLC, but then denied that this was the problem.

6:20 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - It is due to guilt and they are trying to run from responsibility. These guys are trying to recapture their unlived youth, those free teenage wild years where there was just fun and no responsibilities. They are also trying to recapture feeling young. Sooo there is guilt and they are running from responsibility and anything connected to that.

6:20 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Thanks for reminding us that "they have to want help". We can want to provide all the help in the world, but if they are not receptive, it does not good. Sometimes I wonder how far down the bottom can be.

6:21 PM

mas

digforhelp That is very normal. It does seem to get harder at the beginning...I thought I would die if my H didn't come back within the first year. It took quite a long time for me, but it WILL get easier eventually.

6:21 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket. I am trying to get on w/ my immediate life and I am sure there will be growth for me as well. Just trying to get past the pain is a challenge though..

6:22 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - My H seems to be a little different in that he isolates himself, drinks, and works. I can't tell that he is seeking youth again. He talks about how he isn't 20 anymore. Seems like an old man sometimes.

6:22 PM

Bluesky

mas has your d ever apologized in any manner?

6:22 PM

Cricket

mas - My H's OW had never stayed with any man more than 2 years until my H. She'd been married and divorced and moved from one married man to another. She stayed longer with my H but then was benefiting financially. He paid all household expenses, she rented out her home and had nothing withheld for taxes so he was paying huge bills there too. She had to have saved a ton of money before he divorced her.

6:23 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 I don't think that is different, I think a lot of them do that. Mine does.

6:23 PM

Almost 29years

Anyone   has your wayward one apologized? My H says he's sorry for the pain it's caused everyone but not sorry he is with OW and living this way.

6:23 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 I also didn't think there was an OW for the longest time. Now I know better.

6:23 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years nope

6:24 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - The best way to get past the pain is to pursue things that we didn't give ourselves time to do in our marriage.   Take those classes you've been interested in, pursue new hobbies, and get involved with areas you can volunteer.     I learned to ride a motorcycle & bought a Harley, went skydiving, took classes, etc etc

6:24 PM

bg2012walk

Almost 29years NO

6:25 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky- Cricket was just saying that they are trying to run from responsibility and chase youth as a reason for leaving and/or shutting out kids. I just don't get it I guess. My H has always been crazy about his boys and very proud of them. I think he is ashamed of how he has handled this struggle and can't explain it, so he avoids the boys

6:25 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - my husband didn't seek his youth outwardly, he became very isolated, started drinking excessively and staying at work longer and longer. He seemed to lose interest in many of the things that he enjoyed and started spending too much time either on the computer or in front of the television.   That is what depression will do.

6:25 PM

mas

Bluesky No, not really. It would be quite nice if she would, and I've been asked that question by others. However, I know I can't pressure her about anything, nor do I have any expectations. I realize I have just had to take things as they come and hope for the best.

6:25 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 yep that is it in a nutshell. My h is doing the same thing. I also don't know that we will ever understand it. But God does.

6:25 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - My H and I have a motorcycle that we rode a lot.   I have never learned to drive, but want to. I just panic when I get it going and am afraid I can't handle it. My goal for this spring is to ride that thing!

6:26 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - I don't know of any mlcr who has completely or really apologized. They may say they are sorry they hurt us but they really find ways to justify their actions. My H did suffer a lot of guilt and felt bad that I was hurt, but he truly felt that he was justified. He said that our marriage had died, that he would always love me but was not in love with me. So it was till death do us part, the marriage had died.

6:26 PM

Swan

Hello foolish1

6:26 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket   skydiving sounds fun and I'm thinking of all the things I'd like to do ...

6:27 PM

foolish1

Swan Hello

6:27 PM

Swan

For new guests - tonight, you can select an avatar by clicking on the two masks icon on the bar just above the text box. Also you can change your text color by selecting the pain pallet

6:27 PM

mas

Cricket Am not really sure why the OW is with my H as it seems like she is doing much better than he is.

6:27 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - What happens when he looks up one day and both his boys are grown men and he doesn't know them? So sad for my boys and my H.

6:27 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years Cricket you guys are crazy!! lol

6:27 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 = That is a big part of it. They are ashamed and don't feel worthy. But it's like they are at the top of the mountain and look around, feel life has passed them by and they become terrified.   When someone flirts or is friendly, it's like a drug, anything to make them feel desirable again is a rush.   It's much like a drug addict unable to avoid drugs or an alcoholic unable to pass up the drink.

6:28 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - He will be sad, angry and have many regrets, but for now he simply cannot see that will be the outcome.

6:28 PM

Bluesky

mas some are just insecure. I don't know why in my h's case either. He just brought her back from another country.

6:28 PM

mas

Cricket My H said the same thing....our marriage had died! That seemed to justify all his actions!

6:28 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky   LOL

6:29 PM

bg2012walk

mas My H said he was leaving me because he knew I would eventually leave him.

6:29 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 you know the cats in the cradle song?

6:30 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - I took the classes and then trained with a friend who is an instructor. It felt good to prove to myself that I could ride. It was also something my H always said I couldn't do... soooo good to prove I could.

6:30 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket what you said to dumbfounded is my H as well     The OW just said the right things to make him feel special and he was gone.. just like that.. He says he knows I love him but didn't feel loved.

6:30 PM

Bluesky

mas my h said his commitment to me was over. I don't know who decides that but that is what he said.

6:30 PM

Cricket

mas - Most of these OW have their own issues in their past. Remember the OW I mentioned in the past that had been molested by her own father. She became an OW and later realized that she was looking for instant gratification and didn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship. In her case, her mother didn't believe her and sided with her Dad and rejected her.   Soooo there was a lot of pain that caused her to become an OW.

6:30 PM

Bluesky

foolish1, hi, and welcome in

6:31 PM

mas

Almost 29years H has said that he never wanted to hurt me. But never really apologized for leaving.

6:31 PM

foolish1

Bluesky All I got was a "I’m not happy"

6:32 PM

Bluesky

foolish1 yep, we have all heard those words too.

6:32 PM

Almost 29years

mas exactly what my H said..

6:32 PM

Bluesky

mas Almost 29years I don't think they know what those words mean

6:32 PM

mas

Bluesky Do you know anything about her at all?

6:32 PM

foolish1

Almost 29years Even if I got an apology, I don’t think I would believe it.

6:32 PM

Bluesky

mas a few things.

6:32 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - In mlc, they feel so confused and depressed.   They don't know why they can't shake these feelings. My H said he had thoughts of suicide many times in the earlier stages of mlc. He struggled with this for a long time and began building things up in his mind about me that bothered him. He needed to justify pursuing the OW and leaving me and struggled with a lot of guilt.

6:32 PM

Kmkrn

Cricket - that's so sad!

6:33 PM

dumbfounded2

Bluesky - I know that song, but for the life of me I can't think of a single word right now.

6:33 PM

mas

bg2012walk That's crazy!

6:33 PM

Almost 29years

foolish1 and Bluesky I agree w/ both of you

6:34 PM

Kmkrn

dumbfounded2 - I could sing the whole song for you, but I'll spare you! Sung by Harry Chapin

6:34 PM

Bluesky

dumbfounded2 that is about the dad that realizes he has missed out on his son growing up. But just like He can restore what the locusts have taken away in our marriage He can do the same for your kids.

6:34 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when you coming home dad, I don't know when, but we'll get together then son, we'll have a good time then.

6:35 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - It's about a man who was so wrapped up in his life that he missed his son's growing up. Later as he got old, he reached out to his son but it was too late.

6:35 PM

Bluesky

Kmkrn thanks I couldn't think of the singer.

6:35 PM

Almost 29years

blue sky I think it's Jim Croce

6:35 PM

Swan

Almost 29years - No, that would be Time in Bottle!

6:35 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years that was who I thought, Jim

6:36 PM

mas

Bluesky They all seem to rationalize everything in their own heads so it makes sense to them and they can justify things.

6:36 PM

Almost 29years

swan you're right   duh on my part LOL

6:36 PM

mas

foolish1 Hello. How are you?

6:36 PM

Bluesky

mas sorry, what is that referring to?

6:36 PM

Swan

Almost 29years - Can you tell when my teen years where?

6:36 PM

Bluesky

Almost 29years well I got it wrong too, I just didn't put it in print lol

6:36 PM

mas

foolish1 Yes, we all got that too.

6:36 PM

bg2012walk

Well I need to say good night. Thanks for sharing Valentine's Day with me.

6:36 PM

foolish1

Hi mas I am just trying to get through Valentine’s day

6:37 PM

Cricket

I just googled the song and she is right - it does show Harry Chapin

6:37 PM

Bluesky

bg2012walk glad you were with us.

6:37 PM

Swan

foolish1 - That's why we are here tonight, many of us just need to get through the night.

6:37 PM

Kmkrn

Cricket - My husband says he knows that he married "Miss Right," but didn't know that my first name was "Always!" :)

6:38 PM

Almost 29years

Swan I guess I can!

6:38 PM

Bluesky

Kmkrn haha, I told my h years ago that he could be right on the weekends only

6:38 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky I'm glad I wasn't the only one LOL

6:38 PM

Cricket

Kmkrn - LOL     Yup, my H also used to say I always had to be right..

6:38 PM

foolish1

Swan Yeah I know my wife is out tonight, but I don’t know where.   Wish I didn't care

6:38 PM

Kmkrn

Bluesky - I am right on days ending in "y" :)

6:38 PM

mas

Almost 29years Bluesky Where do they keep getting that same script from??

6:39 PM

Bluesky

Kmkrn there you go.

6:39 PM

Cricket

foolish1 - Try to remember that they have to get through this mlc tunnel, travel the journey to find their way home.

6:39 PM

Swan

mas - The enemy - he only has one playbook and keeps whispering it to any lost soul who will listen

6:39 PM

foolish1

Cricket I don’t think it is that simple

6:39 PM

Kmkrn

mas - Satan hands out the scripts--he's not very original...

6:39 PM

dumbfounded2

To All - My husband has said all kinds of stuff. I don't think we can put too much stock in their words during MLC. My H has said ..he doesn’t love me like a wife, he thinks I am too organized, too busy with the kids, too controlling, not supportive of his work enough.....then months later...I have to know he never stopped loving me, wasn't sure why he is so angry with me....that he thinks he is angry with himself....that he should be more successful in his work by now....that he feels ashamed and filled with guilt....and that is where we are now. Wonder what words will come next?

6:39 PM

Bluesky

foolish1 its not simple at all.

6:40 PM

foolish1

She has done this several times before

6:40 PM

Kmkrn

foolish1 - oh dear!

6:40 PM

Swan

foolish1 - Not caring would make you as hard hearted as the MLCer can become, you care and that it ok, just learn how to not allow it to consume you.

6:40 PM

mas

Swan Kmkrn Apparently so!

6:41 PM

foolish1

Kmkrn first time with me

6:41 PM

Almost 29years

Kmkrn is sooo right!

6:41 PM

mas

foolish1 @36 As we all are. Guess that's why we're here.

6:41 PM

Kmkrn

foolish1 - you are in good company. We are here to listen.

6:41 PM

Swan

mas - I heard on the radio this afternoon by Greg Laurie that when we sing praises to God, it burns the ears of the enemy, so I am sending my praises up.

6:42 PM

Bluesky

Swan you are a crazy lady with your colors.

6:42 PM

Cricket

mas - We used to joke that the enemy must play a recording in their heads when they are asleep as so many say the exact same things

6:42 PM

Almost 29years

foolish1 sorry to hear that :(

6:42 PM

Bluesky

Surety, hey girl how are you?

6:42 PM

mas

Cricket I was going to say Cat Stevens, but you are right... it's Harry Chapin.

6:42 PM

foolish1

Cricket That is so true they are so textbook

6:43 PM

Swan

Bluesky - I am a colorful person! And just having fun, you know "girls just wanna have fun!"

6:43 PM

Bluesky

Swan yes you are. You have a rainbow inside you.

6:43 PM

surety

Hi all, Hi Bluesky, I am good.... how are you

6:43 PM

foolish1

surety Hello

6:43 PM

Swan

Bluesky - You know the rainbow is my symbol - God's Promises!

6:44 PM

Kmkrn

Swan - You are SO high tech! I can barely keep up!

6:44 PM

Bluesky

surety much better this week. I have been doing a lot of resting. The stress was getting to me.

6:44 PM

Bluesky

Swan yep

6:44 PM

surety

Bluesky glad to hear, keep resting and taking care of yourself.

6:45 PM

Swan

Hey surety - glad you have joined us

6:45 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - They are not lying, they are just terribly confused. One time early on, I asked my H if he still loved me. He broke down sobbing uncontrollably and said that was the problem, he didn't know. I realized that what he thought one minute changed the next.   He was in so much turmoil that I couldn't depend on any answer he gave. That's why I now tell people not to ask, it just hurts and they really don't know what they feel.

6:45 PM

mas

Cricket @42 It absolutely astounds me sometimes how similar they all sound.

6:45 PM

surety

Swan Hi Missy how are you..... sorry I am late

6:45 PM

Swan

surety - Doing good.

6:45 PM

surety

Hey all I was listening to my fav radio station.... they have a verse of the day...Today’s was 1Cor 13

6:45 PM

Bluesky

surety you don't have to apologize

6:45 PM

Cricket

mas = I know, in the early stages for me, the group was smaller and we all compared things we heard a lot. It was amazing that the words were sometimes exactly the same.

6:45 PM

mas

Hi surety

6:46 PM

Kmkrn

Swan - I tried to call the almost birthday girl, but I've only gotten voicemail the last 2 times I tried...have you talked to her lately?

6:46 PM

Cricket

Kmkrn - The only almost birthday girl I know of here this month is Morwenna.

6:46 PM

surety

verses 4-8.   They suggested replacing God for the word love.   It was really incredible.... really shows you how much and how big God's love is......

6:47 PM

surety

Hi Mas how have you been...

6:47 PM

Kmkrn

Cricket - Suz215 - birthday is tomorrow.

6:47 PM

Swan

Kmkrn - I haven't, the last time we talked she was working some crazy hours and I don't have a phone at this time, needed to do some budget reductions and for now the phone is a luxury so bye bye.

6:48 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - It is difficult to believe that God can deliver a strong, stable man from this mess called MLC. My H's emotions have been all over the place too, but they are at least beginning to make more sense and maybe they are making more sense for him too. This is for a man that told me in the beginning that "HE DOES NOT DO EMOTION"

6:48 PM

mas

Cricket At first it all just crushed me...But it somehow makes things easier to know that we've all heard those same words.

6:48 PM

Kmkrn

Swan - Yikes! That actually sounds good--no phone calls to bother you!

6:48 PM

Swan

Kmkrn - Actually, I am kind of enjoying it.

6:48 PM

mas

surety I'm doing okay. Just trying to get through Valentine's Day like the rest of us. How are you this evening?

6:49 PM

Cricket

Kmkrn - OOOOHHH - I didn't hear that one. Glad you are still in touch.

6:49 PM

Almost 29years

mas   I agree with you completely!

6:50 PM

Kmkrn

dumbfounded2 - My H is an example of "a strong, stable man" who survived MLC--took many years though.....all things are possible with God!

6:50 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - We have many in this group that have restored marriages. Probably about 30 people. Anyway, they say that when their H worked their way thru mlc, they were even better than before. It took time and work upon return, but all worth it.

6:51 PM

mas

Almost 29years Just try to remember that the next time your H says something crazy or hurtful.

6:51 PM

foolish1

Cricket What about women? Do they snap out of it?

6:51 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket do you know how many had OW and did they marry the OW ?

6:51 PM

dumbfounded2

Kmkrn - Then I would love to hear how he came through it.   and how you came through? Does he remember distancing himself from you and your family? Did he ask to come home? Did he feel ashamed and guilty for his behavior? or that this was something he just had to go thru?

6:51 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - That's right - one of those with a restored marriage is here tonight - Kmkrn - We have others who still come to chat who are also restored.

6:52 PM

mas

Kmkrn Oh...I forget you have a restored marriage!

6:52 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 = We also have a mlcr, David Alan, who has restored his marriage and come to share here.

6:52 PM

Almost 29years

mas   I will now try not to take everything so personally but realize it has a lot to do w/ mlc!

6:52 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Yes, I talked with David Alan but he hasn’t been on for awhile. He was very helpful.

6:52 PM

surety

mas I am good, baked goodies for my kids and parents.     spent my day with the family.     texted my h this morning, he was sweet, but he’s still so confused and conflicted.

6:53 PM

Swan

foolish1 - They do

6:53 PM

Almost 29years

Kmkrn I would love to hear how H came out of mlc as well :)

6:54 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Do you think I should have reached out to my H today on our anniversary? Actually it didn’t cross my mind because I am trying to respect his need for distance.

6:54 PM

surety

Kmkrn Praise the Lord for that..... gives me hope he can change my man into the man He wants for Him to be and for me to have in my life.     Its great nothing is impossible God

6:54 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I also don't want to drive him further back into the tunnel. I am hoping he will at least see his boys sooner rather than later.

6:54 PM

mas

Almost 29years It isn't easy, I know, but somehow if you can just remind yourself that they are just reading from the "script" and we have all heard those same words, it will help you get through it.

6:55 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - They all had OW and some did marry the OW.   My own H married the OW weeks after he divorce me. He has since divorced the OW. He began reconnecting with me immediately after separating from the OW. He talked about our future and getting back together. He pulled away again because he didn't deal with his baggage and take time for healing. He is not with any OW but as he said, "he's learning who he is and trying to get his head together". Another member here just remarried her H after he had divorced her and married an OW.    

6:55 PM

Kmkrn

dumbfounded2 - my bio is on the website--but I really need to update it...things continue to improve and he is very much "better" than the old MLC guy who was all about "fun." He had an ow. Do this day, I don't know why he decided to come home...many false starts home too. When I really "let go and let God," then things started to change. Concentrate on yourself and family, don't get pulled into the "crazy cycle" with your spouse. I read a lot of books--one of my favorites is "Love & Respect"

6:56 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - The important thing to remember is that you can't fix him.   You can't push him to see his kids. What you can do is work on your own attitude, forgiving, healing and letting see that he can have contact without feeling guilty or being subjected to questions or stress.

6:56 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - It is amazing to hear of the strength of the MLC spouse.   I almost can't believe it sometimes, but then I would never have thought I would be here 1 1/2 years later either.

6:57 PM

mas

surety At least you didn't spend the day alone. I'm so glad you had a nice time with your family.

6:57 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - Anniversaries are very hard for mlcrs.   IF we do anything it has to be something funny, cute or light. Nothing romantic. That is the one holiday that they really try to run from and avoid remembering.  

6:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Kmkrn - I read your bio, but I felt there was more to hear also.   I am in the middle of the Love and Respect book and am amazed at the insight it has provided. I am definitely growing and changing during this journey. My MIL told me just last week that she has sensed a huge shift in my faith, strength and compassion this year.

6:58 PM

surety

mas thank you... have you seen your daughter lately

6:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Thanks. I think I will just leave it alone. We both know what today is and neither of us are in the place we need to be to talk about it today.

6:58 PM

Almost 29years

Cricket it's great to hear of an mlc H coming back! gives me much encouragement :)

6:59 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - I will tell you that those with restored marriages have shared that the things Dr. Jim Conway teaches is right on.   Jim has mentored with Bill Farrell who has taken over MLD and they still work together as needed.

6:59 PM

Bluesky

all, I think I will call it a night. It was great to be with you all tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

6:59 PM

mas

surety Yes, I saw her last week a couple of times.

6:59 PM

foolish1

Thanks Bluesky

6:59 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Night girl, see you tomorrow

7:00 PM

Cricket

Almost 29years - As I said, there are many here. Kmkrn is one of them. Dani who helps facilitate is another. There are many who all share the same things, that it was so worth it.

7:00 PM

Almost 29years

Bluesky goodnight :)

7:00 PM

Kmkrn

dumbfounded2 - That's great! Keep up the good work. Another favorite book (besides the Bible) was "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. Have you read that?

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - I have been living by Mr. Conway's book and have to believe he truly understand a man and what he is going through. I sometimes can tell my H feels for me when I am on the verge of tears, but I know he just doesn't have it in him to do anything about it. I have to believe the man I married is still in there somewhere, but will emerge stronger, more confident in his abilities and more focused on what truly matters in life.

7:01 PM

Cricket

ALL - It is time for chat to close. Remember to return tomorrow evening at 6 p.m. Pacific Time and also Friday evening and Saturday afternoon.

7:01 PM

mas

Where did these 2 hours go?

7:01 PM

dumbfounded2

Kmkrn - No. haven't read that one, but is it similar to the message in the Conway’s book - How to survive your husband’s midlife crisis?

7:01 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - It is important to be upbeat and fun as much as you can. They are in such pain that they are drawn to us when we keep things light, when we seem upbeat and can use humor, kid with them and flirt. They run from seeing our pain or emotions.

7:02 PM

surety

Cricket, Can you sent doveseyes the dress theory from Jim, or me and I will forward it.   I couldn’t find it today to try to explain? thanks

7:02 PM

Cricket

surety - I don't know what you are referring to about the dress theory.

7:02 PM

Almost 29years

Goodnight All   thank you sooo much for the encouragement and just knowing others are going through the same thing is a help and that is light at the end of the tunnel!

7:02 PM

dumbfounded2

Cricket - Thanks for everything tonight! Have a great Wednesday!

7:03 PM

Kmkrn

ALL - Extra prayers go out to those here tonight that God would help to heal their hurting hearts and let them know that He is their true Valentine! Also, I pray for the family of Whitney Houston and all of us who will miss such a great talent! Good night all!

7:03 PM

mas

All I hope everyone has a good night. At least we all survived another Valentines’ Day!

7:03 PM

Cricket

dumbfounded2 - You too. Try to focus on your own growth and healing, that is the best medicine

7:03 PM

mas

Kmkrn AMEN

7:04 PM

Cricket

mas - Very true - Kmkrn - I agree AMEN

7:05 PM

Cricket

Surety - Again - I don't know what you mean by:   I actually wondered if we could have flipped the happy hour to Mint and separately had the Meet & Greet there at the same time. I guess that was my attempt to support both and do my best to avoid the conflict.    

7:05 PM

Cricket

WOOPS the wrong thing pasted and copied.

7:06 PM

Swan

Well ladies, thanks for coming in to help me out tonight.   Guess we can call it a night.

7:07 PM

Swan

Is that the question you were trying to paste

7:07 PM

surety

Cricket That's ok I will find it.....it’s about a new dress trying it on or not.   It’s when they try to decide between us and the ow.   coming home or running to them.   kind of.....

7:07 PM

Cricket

surety - Don't have it.

7:07 PM

Cricket

Thanks Swan - Have a good night all.

7:07 PM

Swan

Night ladies

  surety

Night

Added by Lisa Kahan (after chat) in reference to the “dress theory” mentioned by Surety at 7:02.

It can be found on midlife.com under “Encouragement From Jim”

FAQ - Why does my husband keep going back and forth between me and the other woman?

Think of it as if you have seen a wonderful dress for sale, but you’re not sure if you like it enough to pay the price that is required - so you visit the store off and on trying to make a decision whether to buy it or not. Your husband is trying to decide whether to leap back into the marriage.
~By Jim Conway
5:41 PM

Almost 29years

For anyone who can answer...When your hubby leaves and wants a divorce and is planning on marrying the OW after only 3 months, what do you do?

5:50 PM

digforhelp

Almost 29years - stay close to the Lord. not much you can do to change your husband. believe me I have tried changing my wife several times. it don't work. Only God can change the heart and that's what He has promised to do. but you need to focus on yourself and let God work on you.

Register to read more...

Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud